Chapter 74: Progress at Last!

Chapter 74: Progress at Last!

*Ding* Level up, motherfucker!

Wait, what? I didn’t level up.

Not you, dickhead, me! I leveled up! I finally cobbled together my first spell. Check it out-

Truth felt the spell fill his second aperture and almost groaned in pleasure. He hadn’t realized how wrong it felt leaving them empty. Though he did remember the whole “who is the mage?” conversations very clearly.

So what is it?

An erotic binding ritual! I figure, why not give you that helping hand you so obviously need?

Truth nearly did a spit take, which would have been a neat trick since he wasn’t drinking anything. He very carefully didn’t look over at Etenesh and Jember, reading next to him.

Seriously, there were so many of them in Merkovah’s books that it was comically easy. Well, comparatively easy. The really easy stuff was the incantations to carve on little home spell bowls and some remarkably nasty curse tablets. Even for me, these were some “Oh WOW” level curses. I have to think that the humans making them didn’t understand what they had created there.

You figured the best thing to work on was a magic rape spell. System. Congratulations on developing a new spell. That’s a huge achievement. And it is so incredibly you to choose a spell that deprives someone of their free will and ability to consent. Ten out of ten. Incredible job. DIE IN A FIRE.

Truth had the uncomfortable sense that the System was laughing at him.

Alright. I just learned that one. There were more than thirty of them. You people disgust me. This is the one I improved.

Truth felt the aperture empty and fill again. It did raise an unpleasant question- could he stop the System from forcibly swapping his spells around? Second question, related, why the hell was he feeding the System, professional body hijacker, books on spiritual possession?The initial posting of this chapter occurred via N0v3l.B11n.

Not that you asked, but yes, regrettably, you could stop me from forcibly swapping your spells around. We are now in a more, eh... conventional spiritual possession relationship. The language for this is pretty crude. I’m haunting your undead ass, and you could resist my efforts to help you. You did it when you were still in Starbrite, you may recall.

When you tried to murder me.

Well, that was the most obvious time. There were others, but you didn’t notice. Anyhow, not important. New spell! I thought, what is it that you don’t have that you really need? Magically speaking. And then I thought of a load of really cruel jokes, but I am saving them. This is about me, not about your inadequacies.

Right. Right. Related point- I want to watch you drown. I want to give you lungs just so I can watch the horror in your eyes as your new lungs fill with the piss of a thousand rats.

...

Alright, fair play to you. That was legitimately horrifying. The notion of giving someone lungs... wuergh. Look, it’s a utility spell. It’s pretty similar to the Jeon Universal Spell. Call it the Siphios edition, with some useful upgrades. Basically, you know how everyone around you seems to be casting magic spells they plainly don’t know? Well, they are using magical tools to do it.

I know? That's how that works? It’s how everything works?

Hey, shut up. So anyway, this will let you use more sophisticated devices than the “Haha, talisman go twhip thwhip thwip!” needler and that... ugly stick that shoots acid.

I share your disgust for fetishes.

It’s not that all of them are terrible or that they have to be terrible. Just most of them. Although I think our collection of samples isn’t really representative. ANYWAY! You can use the spell to run more complicated magic through more specialized or sophisticated magical devices. Since it’s optimized by me, you will use less energy doing it, and it will work faster.

Nice. I’ll have to find some to try it out.

“Bowing specificallyfrom the waist is used to salute the Royal Family. Doing it to anyone else in Siphios is considered disrespecting the Royal Family and a crime.”

Truth shrugged. On the one hand, that sounded silly. On the other hand, it was reassuring to know that someone in Siphios treated hierarchy with seriousness.

“Alright. One other minor thing- I plan on learning how to use my sword today. My spirit of intellect put together a spell that should help. You said I should keep it sheathed until you explained how to use it safely?”

Merkovah looked thoughtful.

He found the cousins enjoying their breakfast, noses buried in books. Jember had that “fresh out of the shower after a quick 10k run” vibe and was looking sharp. Etenesh seemed to have done something different with her hair. It was usually free and flowy, but it was a little more pulled together today. He wasn’t sure he liked it, but cheap romance novels had told him exactly what to do in this situation.

Well, other than blow up for no reason, insult her, and storm off. Why did that keep turning up in those books?

“Morning Etenesh, Jember. Did you do something different with your hair today, Etenesh?”

She smiled brilliantly. “Yes, I threw in some extra conditioner. I’m trying out something new. Do you like it?”

His instinct was to say, “It’s fine,” and get breakfast. However, this was often used as a negative model in the cheap-romance-novel case studies. He tried one of the less flowery responses he had seen proposed.

“I do. It’s very nice. The way you had your hair before was also really nice, so I’m not sure which is my favorite.” Bam. Word for word. Ten out of ten. Nailed it. Next stop, personality town.

“See, Jember, SOME people know quality when they see it.” All hail Truth, God-King of breakfast chat! All Hail! ALL HAIL!

“So, Tommy, what are your favorite hairstyles? A good eye like yours must have a lot of experience seeing what is best.” Ah. Fuck. Was there a line he could steal for this? Nothing came to mind. Deflect!

“I’m afraid duty calls. Merkovah wants us to meet up in the Ritual Testing Chamber. Although he wasn’t clear if it was a Ritual Test performed in the Chamber or if it was a Chamber for Testing Rituals. Either way, I am concerned.”

“The latter. It’s basically a heavily reinforced room with lots of safety measures built in. The University has a little block of them, mostly for labs and postgrad research.” Jember stood, tidying away the remains of his breakfast. Etenesh did the same.

“The testing rooms are in the back of the campus, for obvious reasons. It will take us a few minutes to get there.” Mission: Deflection- Success! Bonus: Chatting more with the increasingly attractive cousins.

“That will leave us plenty of time to talk hair.” God damn it.

The Ritual Testing Chambers were apparently the architect’s response to allegations of excessive artistic flair in the rest of the campus. It was a windowless cube made of cinderblocks and painted a high gloss white. A white that was now looking smudged and muddy after a few years of exposure to the elements. There wasn’t even a sign.

The interior is where the decoration budget apparently ran out. Poured concrete floor, bare cinderblock walls, and cheap light talismans stuck every few meters down the hallway.

“Gosh, I missed a lot not going to university.”

“It’s a safety thing, actually. All the ritual testing facilities look like this. At least on every campus I have visited.” Jember said. “If nothing is there, it’s easy to dispel any lingering magic on people and drive out any undesired spirits.”

“Huh. I don’t know anything about setting up magical rituals beyond what I read in the instruction manuals. Is that kind of thing a big problem?”

Jember pointed up. The roof was sheet metal. “Cooling is handled by charms carved into the ceiling struts. Everything else up there is built as lightweight as possible to channel explosions “Up” instead of “Out.”

“This is why I stay in the library,” Etenesh muttered. “It’s so much safer.”