Chapter 54: Kana's Insight

"Hey, Ruki."

"What is it?"

"Kenji, he's becoming cold towards me."

"Why?"

Should I tell her? About what that bastard tried to do with Ishida-senpai?

"Before he will be mad if I don't stay with him but lately, he doesn't mind if I'm not with him. Just like today."

"Maybe that's because of me."

"No. It's because of me. I keep rejecting to go with him."

"Then that's really because of me. I was the one who told you to do that."

Kana looked up and reached her hand to my face. She caressed it slowly while staring directly into my eyes.

"No, I chose not to. Even if you say that, I have a choice to reject what you commanded, right? But I chose to reject his advances."

"Kana… Right. You have that choice, you're mine doesn't mean I can force you to do what I wanted."

"Right, right. Now, you understand. You changed quite a bit since I last saw you. What happened?"

"You can tell I've changed? Ah, you can't be the best advisor with only literary skills. You also know how to read people."

I seem to forget. Kana, she's 2 years older than me. In most subjects, she's ahead of me. I only saw her as naive before because of her lack of experience on that particular subject I excel at. Turns out, it's me that was naive.

Kana smiled and raised her head then she cupped both of my cheeks with her hands.

"You're younger than me. I can tell. Something changed inside you."

"What changed then? I want to know what my Kana thinks."

"Uhm... Let's see. When I first saw you, you seem to only be driven by one goal. But I can see more now. There are now more things inside you than just that thing that's driving you forward."

"My Kana is this great. You're right. Something has changed."

Kana planted her lips on mine while I stretched my arm to embrace her. Her shyness that was always there seems to vanish when she's with me. Probably, she's already comfortable with my company.

"Will you tell me about that change?"

"That's why I'm here. But what about Kenji?"

"Don't mind him for now. My mind is currently full of you. I don't know it myself. I think I'm starting to like you. Is this bad? Will you leave me if it really developed to me liking you?"

"I see. This is what changed, Kana. If it's before my change, I might really leave you when I hear you say that. But now, I want to understand. Why do you think that you're starting to like me? All I did was steal you from the guy who're dating you. I even used a despicable method to compel you. Blackmail."

She's turning to be like those girls from my middle school. I didn't do anything special for her. Nothing according to what I can remember. Now's the time for me to understand.

Kana stopped her kisses and then she fell back to my chest.

"You see, Kenji. When he first approached me back when we're 1st year, I was scared."

"Scared?"

"Un… He's scary. The way he keep on asking me to date him. You knew my personality. I can't deal well with new things. And him trying to court me is like that."

"I see. Like when we rode the train. You look cute back then, like a lost puppy."

She's the Shy and Cute type. Usually she's always shy around people or places that's new for her. And when she started liking someone, she will eventually forget the one she initially likes because she doesn't want to like two persons at the same time.

I got her with that mindset. Kana kept on liking that Kenji, while I took advantage of her using the new sensation I'm bringing her. That doesn't mean she likes me, she found that new sensation something she wanted to experience and to understand. But now she's telling me, she's starting to like me.

What's the reason? Could the reason be Kenji's sudden change?

"Muu. Stop teasing me but yes, it's like that. Kenji, he's persistent. And soon enough, I got used to him always asking that. I said to myself that if he can keep up on that until the end of the school year, I'll accept him."

"And he really did persist up to that point. Does that mean you started liking him by then?"

"No. I just admired his persistence. So we started dating during our 2nd year. I gave another ultimatum to myself. If he can persist for half a year without us doing what couples do, like holding hands, hug and kiss, then I'll learn to like him."

"I see. It's a rough road for him. So he accomplished that as well. And you started to like him"

Could it be? Ah. I see. This girl, she didn't naturally liked him. She forced herself to start liking the guy who persisted through all that. Then when I came in with that new sensation she felt, she has gotten confused.

"Yes. I came to like him or maybe it's just me forcing myself to like him. Magically, that was imprinted on me. Even now, I always look back to the time he persisted and remind myself all of the time and effort he spent for me."

"I see. Kana, is liking him an obligation for you? To repay him?"

"Uhm. I don't know. It's been like this since I decided to like him. My defenses loosened slowly from holding hands, hugs and kisses. And when we were about to do that, you appeared before me. With that smile on your face like you found something interesting."

"You already resolved yourself to give yourself to him but my appearance broke that resolve."

Kana's arms tightened its embrace on me, her face is still buried there in my chest. I don't know what expression she's having right now. Putting my hand on her hair, I started stroking it with my fingers.

"Un... And maybe not just my resolve. I somehow woke up to the notion that I'm forcing myself. So I started rejecting what he wanted."

"But you told me, you still like him when I brought you home. You even say I love you to each other through the phone."

Kana giggled softly and cutely at what I said.

"Ruki, you're really cute and a bit naive. I know what we're doing and I let that happen. Not with him but with you. Those words we exchanged were just me trying to ease his mind, a lip service."

"Ah. I'm really a bit naive. I thought I got you through my means."

"You did get me though. You wanted to steal me from him, and I understood when I saw that girl in front of your house. Your 'I like you' to me is different. It could even be false."

"I see, I was seen through by you. I'm really naive. Yes, you're right. That 'I like you' could be false. You see, that is one of the things I planned to tell you today. Love or like. I can't feel that emotion, yet. The 'I like you' that I told you just meant I want you to be mine."

When Kana heard that, she raised her head again and looked at me. Her face is a bit red and there's a teardrop on the corner of her eyes.

"You can't feel that emotion? Explain it to me."

"I meant it like that."

And then I told her what I revealed to Satsuki earlier. The thing about my desire, the desire to steal her from Kenji. And that she's not the only one.

"Uhm. I think I could guess the part about me not being the only one. From that girl I saw back at your house, I can infer the possibility. But Ruki, you really don't feel love? You only want me to fill up your desire?"

"Yes, I can't but I'm trying to learn. There are people helping me, to understand and feel it. That was my motive for approaching you, yes."

"Is it that girl? She's the special one you mentioned, right? Muu. It's a bit sad hearing that's your motive."

"Yes, that's her. You can really see through me. Err, I'm sorry, but me wanting you, that's genuine. You're mine now, I'll take responsibility to what I've done."

"So she's one of the reason why you changed. You realized something. That girl, I only saw her twice but her eyes were fixated on you. That's love, right?"

Then she's back at snuggling me. This cute girl. What's going through her mind? Even with my revelation of my desire the only protest she did was saying she was a bit hurt because of my motive.

"Kana, is your specialty Detective novels? Yes, she loves me so much that's why she always do that when I bring a girl home. But I only realized lately how special she is for me."

"Muu. I only read some, I'm far from writing one. I still don't know the definition of your special, how is she special?"

"I kinda want to read something you wrote, Kana. Hmm, I wanted her not because of my desire but something else. "

"Muu. You bully. I'll let you read some if you come by the club again. I see. I understand. Not from your desire. "

She's embracing me tight now. This girl. It's like with Satsuki earlier. Saying they understood but deep inside they felt something about it but won't tell me.

"I will visit the club soon to read those. Yes, you can ask me about it and I'll tell you everything."

"No. It's fine. I quite understand what you meant."

"I see. Then Kana, will you still stay with me or…?"

"Ruki. I'm yours. So don't ask me to choose. I'll stay with you."

"Ah, you'll really stay? Even if there's not only you? And I can't reciprocate if you really start liking me."

"I will stay, you bully. I'm yours. Don't ask anymore. And liking you, it's not definite yet. Kenji, he's still in my mind."

"Right. You're mine. I'm suddenly pissed off by that Kenji."

"Don't worry about him, I'll deal with whatever is between us."

This cute girl, I'm learning more about her and in turn she's also trying to learn more about me.

I raised her chin and this time I'm the one giving her a kiss. She responded to it and handed over the control of her body to me. She just let herself be pulled close while her arms were embracing me tight.

There's not enough time for us to talk about things. Maybe she will really start liking me. I won't throw her away but first, that Kenji, I'll deprive him once more. This time, of Ishida-senpai.

I don't know myself, but seeing those tears nearly forming from her eyes, that invoked a feeling on me to protect her and not let that tears fall. The cause of it is probably because of that Kenji's sudden change in attitude. Even if she only forced herself, she liked him.