CH 3.8

Is this the end? The end…

I might get kicked out of Yeon Woojeong’s house if we went there just like this. It would be better if he got angry or insulted me. Waiting for an action that wasn’t known when it would happen was awful.

The scenery outside the car windows was glittering. As Christmas was approaching, one by one, the stores began to set up the light bulbs and brought in trees or snowman plushies. I couldn’t understand why they celebrated the birthday of an existence that didn’t even exist, and sometimes, I felt it was not normal that the street’s view turned warm when commemorating someone’s birthday.

For me, the night view of this city was always cold and static, like monochrome color. However, when Christmas was approaching, the temperature of the view rose, and sometimes, that rather made me feel more helpless.

The pit of my stomach throbbed just like when I ate spicy food. I wanted to completely empty my head out of the tangled thoughts, so I closed my eyes, but suddenly.

“Investigating Officer Lee is raising a cat.”

“…”

“He said the cat hit humans for no reason.”

The content said in a calm voice was out of nowhere. Not only that it was my first time hearing cats hit humans, but I also couldn’t be sure if the word ‘hit’ suited that small paw. I opened my eyes and stared at Yeon Woojeong.

“Although it isn’t known why they do that… Humans have to understand them. Because they are cute.”

I waited for the continuation, but Yeon Woojeong ended the story. I kept looking at him because I was wondering what he meant by saying that, but he looked like he had nothing more to say.

I tried to think of the reason the cat’s story suddenly came out. Is he trying to say I’m the cat, and he was suddenly hit?

Although it wasn’t a really convincing comparison, I heard it as he would let this one slide. Why?

It was like the flickering light bulb on the tree inside my heart. When it went off, I had better thoughts, but when it went on, only boundless negative emotions engulfed me.

Perhaps because I was nothing to Yeon Woojeong, what I said couldn’t affect him in any way. 

However, I might be a cat to him.

Although I was relieved… I felt weakened in my hands. After taking my hands out of my pocket, I buried myself in the seat.

I felt drained as we arrived at Yeon Woojeong’s house. It felt empty inside my stomach, but I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything. When I finished taking a shower, the door to the bedroom was closed. Ever since I moved to sleep on the second floor, I never heard Yeon Woojeong’s goodnight.

Sitting on the bed, I bent my knees and then put my chin there. My hair wasn’t dried up completely, so I had no plan to lay down yet. It was still complicated inside my head, but I didn’t want to escape by falling asleep.

Yeon Woojeong might have changed his mind when tomorrow came. Someone like me might turn out to be less than a cat. Thus, I had to do something, but Yeon Woojeong said he wouldn’t accept anything I gave to him.

I was thinking absentmindedly, and when I checked for the time, it was already past midnight. Yeon Woojeong slept late. Still, it seemed like he went to bed early if he worked the next day. As I thought about his sleep pattern, I remembered something I could do.

The only thing I did for him. The only action he accepted.

I walked downstairs to Yeon Woojeong’s room. I grabbed the knob, and when I was about to turn it, I took my hands off. I made a fist, then I knocked on the door.

“Yeah.”

His voice wasn’t loud, but it was clear. When I went inside, I saw Yeon Woojeong leaning on the headrest. This time, he might have dried his hair properly. His hair wasn’t wet.

Yeon Woojeong, who was looking at me, didn’t look like he was feeling regret. A strong impression compared to the pale skin. I thought as I looked at each and every man’s features on his face. That even if this man used me as a tool, I would never be able to use him. It was just; it felt like that was the settled position.

“You’re going to work, right, tomorrow?”

“Mhm.”

“Then I’ll wake you up.”

As I just spit it out, because I wanted it to sound like nothing happened, Yeon Woojeong raised up his brows. The staring gaze felt odd. As if he was holding back his smile. He wasn’t in a position where he needed to hold back, though.

He slightly leaned his head to the side and tapped on the bed. As I walked there, he smirked.

“You’re doing something cute. Just like you.”

“I said it wrong.”

“You didn’t, I believe?”

Yeon Woojeong tapped the bed once again and then laid down. I sat next to him. After pulling the blanket up to the chest, he looked up at me and then closed his eyes.

The black and dark eyelashes. His face was like a strong achromatic color. Sucking in the colors around him.

I stared endlessly as if I, too, was sucked in, but then his closed lips parted.

“I, sometimes, I mean—perhaps—often, hurt other people’s feelings.”

The faint voice sounded like he was falling asleep. His face turned soft as if it was flashing light colors. 

“There are times I did it deliberately, but there are also times I did it unintentionally…”

Was Yeon Woojeong really telling his story, not mine? It didn’t come to me that he, who looked skillful in everything, had hurt someone’s feelings by mistake.

“I don’t think my stake doesn’t exist in your mood.”

“…”

“But it’s the first for us, and… we have to get used to each other.”

The voice turned slow. While it was mixed with breath sounds, the room completely turned quiet.

I became a part of Yeon Woojeong’s we. Strangely, it felt like Yeon Woojeong was apologizing to me. The man who had no reason to do so.

I ended didn’t break anything. He was a man that someone like me couldn’t break. Though I felt sad at that fact, I felt relieved.

Suddenly, something suffocating once again rose up. I quietly laid down on the bed and curled up to the side. In front of my eyes was Yeon Woojeong’s finger that was slightly bent inward.

We. Us.

I reached out my hand. I brought my finger to Yeon Woojeong’s finger. I rubbed my face on the soft blanket. A cozy scent. I shut my eyes tight because I felt something was about to explode. All the beats that made me alive felt like heading to my fingertips. I breathed out two times slower than that beat sound. He guided me to a deep slumber.