CH 10.3

Everything is my imagination, but why are only things like this the reality?

The man mumbled alone. Most of it was curses, and it was hard to understand because the pronunciation was muffled. My head hurt. What if this is only my imagination? Could it be that excessive anxiety has eaten away at my head?

“What about you?”

“…”

“How much do you have?”

Money. In the end, everything starts with money and ends with money. It was because of money that he started drinking; it was because of money that he raised his hand; and it was because of money that he fell into gambling.

Not everyone will live like this because of money. I’m sick of this.

“I… don’t have money.”

“You also work in the store, aren’t you? Don’t you have any money saved?”

“… Why?”

“Hah…”

The man sighed and scratched his head. His action of not just scratching, but touching his head as if hitting it made me bring my other foot to step back. 

“I’m in debt.”

“Debt?”

“I have to pay it back by next week, but I don’t have money. I really have no money with me. You should help me. Huh?”

Ah.

I really wanted to kill him. Why is he tormenting me like this? Just because he gave birth to me, why does he keep, keep trying to mess me up?

“I-I don’t have money.”

“Then make it!”

It felt like my ears were about to tear at the thunderous voice. I pressed my fingernails on my palms. Looking at the man’s head, neck, and arms, I stopped the continuing thoughts.

“Do you think you’ll be safe if the creditors look for me? It’s guilt by association. If they can’t get it from me, they will come to you. Or maybe they will take hold of your boss.”

They might come here…?

Here was Yeon Woojeong’s place. Here was the only place I could be at ease. I couldn’t stand the man who wanted to ruin this place as well. However, there was nothing I could do either. I clenched my hands tight, but I didn’t bring them out of my pocket. I only wanted to escape this situation.

“How much is it?”

“Five million.”

“Five… million? Where can I get that much money?!”

“This bastard!”

I lowered my head the moment his palm flew to my cheek. I was fine getting hit. However, the thought that this shouldn’t be known by Yeon Woojeong suddenly came to mind.

His hand continued to hit my head. The slaps sounded far away as if they were coming from somewhere else.

I might be able to stop the man if I immediately moved my hand. I imagined bending his wrist, pushing, kicking, and killing him. It seemed possible enough. However… I didn’t think I could do it. I wouldn’t be able to do it. Because… It was natural. Even though I could do it in my thoughts, I wouldn’t win against him in reality.

My body couldn’t move. I lowered my head as much as I could and shrunk my body, hoping that this time would end.

“Don’t talk back.”

The man, who was breathing heavily, lowered his hand. I felt like vomiting. I felt nauseous as I hadn’t eaten anything, so I closed my mouth. It was hard to stand because my head was dizzy. Eventually, I took my hand out of my pocket and held it onto the wall. 

“Bloody hell. Even if I collect all the money I have, it can’t reach 5 million. I don’t get to join in making big bucks… How can that bastard Park Jeongnam do this to me…”

The eyes of the man, who was mumbling, suddenly turned to another place. I also followed his gaze. It was at my hand. I immediately hid my hand, which was holding the wall, behind me, but the man grinned.

“Selling that watch alone will bring hundreds of thousands.”

“…”

“Does your boss treat you well?”

The man scanned me from head to toe. I felt like pouring detergent all over my body at that disgusting gaze.

The coat, clothes, pants, socks, shoes, and even the underwear I’m wearing right now were all bought by Yeon Woojeong. Even poor people recognize money. The man looked at me as if coveted me.

It would be the end. If this man and Yeon Woojeong meet. Such a thing should not happen. It was terrifying just to assume that Yeon Woojeong would receive such a gaze.

“Will your boss come if I wait?”

“He, he’s not that kind. I could get kicked out. I’ll just, try to add a little by next week.”

The man looked hard at me. I looked down. He got angry if I looked at him. I didn’t want to get hit anymore. I thought I had gotten dull after being beaten so badly, but it seems I’ve gotten too used to comfort.

The man’s lips in my view drew an oblique line. 

“Okay. It seems that I am blessed with my child in my old age.”

“…”

“Do I just need to come here?”

“I’ll come to you.”

The man extended his hand. When my neck stiffened, he patted my shoulder. He nodded after scanning my outfit once more and looking up at the building.

“Your phone?”

“…”

“You don’t have? Then give me that watch at least.”

“I have. I’ll… give you my number.”

I could never give away my watch. When I held out my hand, the man took out an old phone from his pocket. I inputted my number on that phone. He called that number, and when there was a ring from my pocket, he nodded slowly and ended the call.

“Well. You’re going through a lot, too. Aren’t you wandering around after leaving home? How dare you leave without telling your father. You’re just like your mother…”

“…”

“You should think about repaying me because I gave you food, clothes, and I raised you. If you wear good things and eat something warm alone, then what about your father? Huh?”

The man muttered boring words for several minutes. The words he said when he was drunk. That reminds me, there was no smell of alcohol from the man. It meant he hit me even though he wasn’t drunk. I felt despair yet again at the fact that he didn’t get any better, but even worse—even after 3 years. 

“I’m going now. I’m also busy.”

I looked at the back of the man who was leaving, then I looked around. There was a stone in the flower bed. The stone, the size of two fists, looked easy to hold.

I bent my back and grabbed that stone. I strode and raised my hand. As I hit the man’s head with the stone, he stumbled with a groan. The blood gushed out. The man collapsed helplessly, and the blood pouring out of his head became a puddle on the ground. 

There was my father at the beginning of my imagination.

The reason I imagined killing him was that I might kill him for real if I didn’t do it. It would feel empty when the imagination ended, but in that short moment, I felt relieved for a bit at least.

Looking at the man getting farther away, I bent my back and picked up the stone. The firm texture wrapped my palm. Why can’t I kill him? I think everything will end if I just kill him.

I looked at the man’s curved back once again, then I looked up. The CCTV at the entrance was looking down at me.

“This is why you need me.”

I dropped the stone from my hand. My head ached, I felt helpless, I felt defeated, and yet I felt relieved that I had him, and in the end I was miserable.

I stood absentmindedly for a while, then I turned around and entered the officetel. As soon as I entered the house, I went upstairs and opened the closet. I haven’t gone to the bank yet, so the cash was still in the bag. I took bills and coins out of the bag and spread them on the floor.

I counted the money in a hurry. 2,126,450 won. A faint laugh burst out.

Why does this kind of thing only happen to me? Such a question is meaningless. I brought it all on myself, after all.

I made a bit more than a million won for working a month at the convenience store. The money I siphoned away for myself while living in Lee Sugeol’s facility was only two million. I thought it couldn’t be helped at the time. I gave the money I collected to Lee Sugeol in order not to be kicked out of a house where I had food to eat and a place to lie down. However, if I just stayed at the youth shelter and worked part-time at a convenience store for a year, how much would I have in my hand now?

If I put up with it no matter how shit it was. Or if I moved to another shelter. If I did that… Could I meet Yeon Woojeong? For luck to exist, you have to be in misfortune. Having met my luck, I didn’t even want to undo my misfortune.