CH 13.3

“Give it a thought for one more day. Do you have any connection here?”

“No.”

“Look at that. It’s not easy to set your foot in an area with no connection, no? Think about this carefully.”

They told me to eat, and I gobbled the jjajangmyeon. If I were really to get a job here, I felt it would be nice to learn and work under these two people.

I swallowed the various thoughts along with food and then I stood up. I bowed to the two bosses.

“Where are you going?”

“I have something to buy.”

“I see. Take a look around if it’s your first time here. Think of it as a vacation. The reeds in Suncheon Bay are beautiful and it’s a great place to meditate.”

“Yes.”

“Will you come tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. Go.”

I left after greeting them. Earlier, I saw a bookstore in front of the station. I turned back the way I came. 

The bookstore was quite big. I looked around the store and found my way to the workbooks section. The workbooks for GED quickly caught my eye. There were a lot of books. First, they were divided based on publishers and subjects, and there were a lot of basic workbooks and workbooks with previous tests, giving me a headache.

I took a look at each one of them, then I picked up the one that gave free internet courses. When I was in middle school, there were a lot of kids who took classes here. First, I’ll buy books for Korean, English, Math, then… It’s not good to have a lot of luggage, so it’s better to buy it after deciding where I’ll stay, isn’t it?

The book I picked up was mathematics. I opened it up and saw a familiar formula. At least I listened well in the class back then. What’s this? I couldn’t remember it well.

There were obviously a lot of hard questions, but I felt that I could solve the easy questions. Can I do it? There are a lot of subjects to learn. No, I have to do it. I shouldn’t question whether I can or not anymore. I have to live well somehow after all. Study and work. If I live busily like this, I won’t have useless thoughts and impulses.

I left the bookstore. What to do now?

I went to a bus stop and read the route. I heard a voice behind me while I was looking at the new area names.

“Is this going to Suncheon Bay?”

I turned around. The bus driver nodded. I followed the person who got on the bus.

The bus departed. The view of the unfamiliar neighborhood flickered outside the window. I felt empty somehow. Everything suddenly felt like a dream.

My head bumped against the window as I leaned it. I propped my head with my hand.

It took the bus about 40 minutes to get there. I walked, following the person who took the same bus, and reached the ticket office. I looked at the fare, thought about it for a moment, paid, and got my ticket. There were quite a few people despite it being a weekday. I followed those people.

I wasn’t very impressed. The air was just good, and it wasn’t bad looking at this kind of view after only seeing buildings. How far am I going to walk? I thought it would be nice to just walk like this today. Nothing in particular came to mind. I didn’t find any other conclusion anyway. For now, I’ll stay here and learn everything there’s to learn, study…

A bridge appeared after a long path. The crowd increased. In front of me was a seemingly endless field of golden reeds. 

I moved past the crowd, crossing the bridge, then I walked the path between the field of reeds and stopped in the middle. In the distance, I could see a ridge and some tall trees, and below that were all the reeds. The reeds swayed and bumped as the wind blew, making a calming sound. The view reminded me of fall. But the sound reminded me of the beach on that snowy day. 

If Yeon Woojeong were by my side, he would also be happy to see this view. If he were by my side.

The time I spent with Yeon Woojeong was attached like a picture under the clear sky. It was all good memories. Making me want to return to those moments for the longest time if I could.

The sensation on my palm felt like fading. I curled my fingers inside.

Strangely, I felt like I could do well. That I would be able to do well, I was just running away out of momentary fear. So, if I return to Yeon Woojeong…

But I, someone like me, hurt Yeon Woojeong…

“Don’t get caught by yourself, whom you hate.”

I closed my eyes. A voice from my heart. I didn’t really know about that. I just opened my eyes back and captured the unfamiliar yet beautiful scenery in front of me.

Something kept raging inside my heart. I’m different from that man. I won’t hurt Yeon Woojeong. Because… Because to me, he will be forever. My heart won’t easily change. He won’t disappear from my heart over petty things like work, gambling, and drinks. The first is easy, but the second, the second will be awfully hard. I will never do that again. Never, never…

If I hadn’t met Yeon Woojeong, I might have never been able to think this scenery was beautiful. Stealing wasn’t the only thing I learned. I, who had nothing in my possession, found something I could lose, and knew the preciousness of moments. So, even though I couldn’t take it as a mistake, if I were to return to that moment, I wouldn’t hurt Yeon Woojeong.

But can I be completely sure of that?

My eyes were hot. Suddenly, I recalled Yeon Woojeong in my dream. The eyes and bright smile looking at me as if I were really an adorable puppy.

It was really ridiculous that I thought I could start anew only after leaving him, tearing everything down. As though all of my anxiety were laughing at me, I could finally see a proper dream of Yeon Woojeong.

I remembered where I saw that garden. It was the same garden I’d seen in the picture when Yeon Woojeong stared off into the distance. There, Yeon Woojeong looked at me and smiled brightly.

I took out the picture in my arms. It was in front of a snowy beach. He was smiling here, too.

I didn’t break anything. I won’t break anything.

My vision was blurred. After rubbing my eyes, I looked down at Yeon Woojeong for a while and then put the picture back in my arms carefully, so that it wouldn’t crease.

I looked ahead. The voices and laughter of people walking past me faded. I stood blankly until my feet were numb. The color of the sky changed gradually. The air grew even colder. 

The field of reeds at sunset was even more beautiful. It was like a picture, and I felt like I could stand and look at it for hours. However, I also felt that I didn’t want to stay any longer. I felt like floating. This wasn’t the place for me to be as well.

I thought of Yeon Woojeong again. What is he thinking about now? Is he looking for me? Or did he understand me from the notes I left? Is he angry? Is he sad? Or…

One day, my mother didn’t come home. I thought she would come late at dawn. She didn’t come. I thought she would come tomorrow. The day after tomorrow. She didn’t come. Ah, she left. She left because of me, because she hated me. Still, I waited for her. I had to endure a very long time until I realized that my mother would never come back.

The feelings of that day were still fresh in my mind. I suddenly felt choked. What should I do if Yeon Woojeong also feels that? There’s no way I can make him feel that. But, what if he thinks he was thrown away? If he thinks that even though I could never throw him away?

I should have talked to him: It wasn’t like that. I’ve always been running away. I never faced anything properly, so again, this time I… There’s no problem with you.

I suddenly remembered Yeon Woojeong on the day when he covered himself with a blanket when he was high in fever. Climbing up the bed quietly as though he was used to dealing with it alone.

It shouldn’t be like this. He had to wait for me if I left like this. I knew better than anyone else what it was like to be left behind, to wait helplessly for someone who never came. So, I shouldn’t have hurt him like that.

I moved my feet. I traced back the bridge. My steps hastened up.

The sky was already dark at some point. I went through the crowd. It was a curious thing that the way back felt so long. My head was only filled with one thought. I have to go back. Even if he doesn’t welcome me back.

I managed to reach the bus stop. I stomped my feet because there was still some time before the bus dispatch. I thought of calling a taxi, but I didn’t have my phone with me, and there was no one around. I fiddled with my fingers impatiently, and as soon as the bus arrived, I got on it. 

I got off at the terminal and I ran swiftly, but the bus would be at 10:30 p.m. If I took that, I would only arrive after 2 in the morning. It couldn’t be helped. I took a ticket and sat down on the bench. 

I gathered and organized the thoughts in my head. I didn’t want to let Yeon Woojeong feel the moment of being left behind. The invisible anxiety that no matter what I do, they won’t come back to me. But I might have done that.

I folded my back and put my forehead on my legs. I will tell him that it’s not like that. That I never meant to do it. That he’s not someone to be treated like that.

One minute was like an hour. I only looked at the clock, and I got up when it was near the leaving time.

I gave the ticket to the driver and got on the bus. There were not many people on the bus. The air in the quiet bus was cold. I sat and fastened the seatbelt.

The bus departed. The night view quickly passed. I covered and rubbed my eyes with my palm. I thought about Yeon Woojeong and I. Actually, what was worse was that I’m hurting Yeon Woojeong. So, his heart.

The closer my distance to Yeon Woojeong, the clearer the picture of the moments with him. The sensation that haunted my hand was still there, but it didn’t encourage me to run away. I tried to remember the sensation of that day. I should have never forgotten the things I did.