Chapter 112: The Poop Starts to Settle—Probability Lines Start to Entangle just a Little Bit. 2 of 2

Chapter 112: The Poop Starts to Settle—Probability Lines Start to Entangle just a Little Bit. 2 of 2

Standing next to a holographic projection of his client in high-orbit, Baxlon floated in his globe, watching Judge Dredd take his seat.

I know that expression, Baxlon thought unhappily. Not good.

The Judge looked at everyone and just sighed. Ranting Baxlon could handle. Angry he could work with. This? A sad, tired Judge Dredd was the worst of them all.

The judgment had already been made, and the trial hadn’t even started yet.

The Judge looked over at his client and just shook his head.

“Ok,” he said after a few seconds. “Let’s get this bullshit over with.”

“... and so, the state is charging the defendant with nine counts of first-degree murder,” the prosecutor said calmly.

Judge Dredd looked at him curiously.

“No weapons charges?”

“The state has dropped the weapons charges due to lack of evidence,” the prosecutor said with a wry smile. “The arms are um... no longer in the possession of the justice department,” he said with a smirk as he sent a document to the bench. “Because they were class-four destructive devices at worst and there were no bystanders hurt, we consider them irrelevant as compared to the more serious charges involved with this case.”

“Oh, I see,” Judge Dredd replied. “Hard to make a case when the guns have ‘disappeared’, isn’t it?”

“The state believes that there is sufficient evidence to proceed without the weapons themselves.”

“I agree,” Judge Dredd replied calmly. “the bench has reviewed the charges and approves. The trial will proceed. The defense can request all evidence and related documentation under the case number attached to these proceedings. Bail is denied. That will be all.”

Sheloran felt faint. She wasn’t entirely sure what “first-degree murder” was, but from what she remembered from her friends from the last time she was in jail, it was bad, it was really, really bad!

“Your honor!” Baxlon interjected.

“What do you want?” Judge Dredd asked in annoyance.

“While the fact that my client did, in fact, kill the individuals in question is clear beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is also equally clear that she ultimately acted in self-defense, a fact that we will prove to a sufficient extent to exonerate her actions. She is not a ‘criminal’. She is a victim and doesn’t deserve to be held without bail, especially where she is currently incarcerated! I request an immediate review and audit of this decision!”

“Self-defense?” Judge Dredd growled. “Self-defense?!?”

Good, now there’s some life in him, Baxlon thought. Now be a good little fishy. I got a nice fat worm for you...

“Your client walked in there with the clear intention of engaging in violence, counselor, and her actions were carefully gauged and artfully designed to provoke it! She fucking knew what she was doing, didn’t you?”

“Not a fucking word!” appeared on Sheloran’s screen.

“Whether or not she annoyed those... animals... doesn’t matter, your honor,” Baxlon replied. “They struck first! She was merely defending herself, as is her right as a resident of the Republic!”

“Oh, the Republic is wise to bullshit like this, you fucking shit-loach!” Judge Dredd roared. “Do you honestly think she’s the first to try to pervert the spirit of the Republic, the first to seek to abuse the laws that protect the people of this nation? The protections under ‘self-defense’ are intended to be just that, provisions that allow an innocent, law-abiding Republic citizen to protect themselves from an unjustified assault, not so that some thug can intentionally place themselves in harm’s way and then try to hide behind my law when they succeed in doing what they went there to do in the first place! In The Republic vs. Long 3052, this was clearly decided and has been upheld time and time again!”

“The Republic vs. Long has no bearing on this case, your honor!” Baxlon replied triumphantly. The old bastard took the bait! “And I will prove it!”

“What?!?” Judge Dredd roared as he flinched inwardly. The Republic vs. Long... The shit-loach had to expect that one. He had just stumbled right out of the gate!

“In that case, the defendant was a known member of a criminal enterprise, and an intent to kill was clearly communicated prior to the incident! My client is an honest, law-abiding resident of this Republic, respected by her colleagues and by her community, and at no time has ever expressed even the slightest desire to inflict harm on anyone, much less those Harkeen thugs! My client is guilty only of having poor sense, not premeditated murder, and poor judgment in and of itself isn’t a crime! You can proceed with this joke of a trial if you want but at least let my client out of Tartarus!”

“No intent to kill?” the Judge roared. “What do you call this then?” he snapped as he started to play Sheloran singing O Fortuna in the cab on the way to the restaurant.

The prosecutor winced. That recording was compelling but hardly conclusive. There was a reason why he left it out.

“I don’t recall patriotism being illegal, Your Honor,” Baxlon replied smugly.

“No, but getting into a gang-war is!” Judge Dredd shot back, glaring at Sheloran.

“Gang-war?” Baxlon replied with a polite sneer. “My client has always acted within the letter of the law. That ‘gang-war’ was because she started issuing completely legal loans from her completely legal business in response to an economic emergency taking place in the Free Port area! There was no (heh) ‘gang-war’ and if that is the basis for your decision today and your future judgment, then I call into question your impartiality and objectivity on this matter and call for your immediate recusa-”

The prosecutor looked over at Baxlon as if he had lost his mind.

“You DARE question my impartiality?!?” Judge Dredd roared.

“If you insist upon calling my client a ‘thug’ and state that this whole tragic affair was the result of a ‘gang-war’ then, yes. My client has never been found guilty of a single crime, and her business is completely above-board. The fact that she was targeted by violent criminals is not her fault. As a result, ‘self-defense’ is a perfectly valid justifying factor for the horrible events of yesterday. If you have already, with no supporting evidence, made the decision that this was ‘gang warfare’ and my client was already a ‘criminal’ prior to this incident, then she has already been ‘convicted’ without due process, and as per B’veek vs. The Republic 3109, any decision you are involved with is hopelessly tainted and entirely too vulnerable to appeal, which will most certainly happen, Your Honor. As such, I am fully prepared to invoke my client’s right for a preemptive audit!”

Judge Dredd screamed in rage as he saw the predatory gleam in Baxlon’s eyes. That fucking shit-loach! He was trying to eliminate him! That was what he was going for here! This was never about bail. Only a handful of judges could take on the shit-loach when he was playing hardball, and it was an excellent chance that his replacement wouldn’t be one of them!

If that scaly little fuck manages to kick him off of this case, then Sheloran walks, regardless of her guilt.

“If you think I am going to sit here and let you and your client make a mockery of THE LAW, you have another thing coming, Shit-Loach! I’m not going anywhere, and if you want to try to make a case concerning my impartiality, then good fucking luck! NOBODY has ever...”

Sheloran sat there in terrified silence as the drama unfolded in front of her. She thought the Judge was mad last time...

It won’t work...

Sheloran squeezed her eyes shut as something started to wiggle under her skin around her orbits.

No... please... not now... please... she prayed urgently. Great Prophet! Please!

An image of her, old, sitting in a prison cell flashed across her mind...

And without her, her people failed. Nothing changed. The Harkeen came back in just a couple of months, and if it was bad before, it was nothing compared to what happened when they returned...

Craxina... Oh, Creators... What they did to her...

Baxlon and the Judge’s battle waged in the background as she tried to shake the terrible visions of the future.

The game was rigged. Everyone’s minds had already been made up. She was done for.

But he wasn’t just angry...

He was in pain...

She wanted to help him so bad.

Her inner eyelid lifted.

“You’ve suffered enough,” she murmured in a quiet, dreamy voice. “You’ve served your time long ago...”

Judge Dredd froze, just staring at her as a knife shot through his soul... She knew... He didn’t know how she knew, but she did...

“You need to forgiv-” Sheloran started to whisper.

Judge Dredd slammed the monitor to the floor with a howl of pure pain and rage, shattering it.

As the screen went dead, a low whistle behind her came from the two guards in the room.

One of them silently opened the door, and the other gestured toward it.

“This way, please... ma’am.”

Cheers, applause, and stamping of feet greeted her as she stepped into the hall as the other inmates, awaiting their turn, saluted her.

Oh, that can’t be good, Sheloran thought as she nervously waved at them as she was ushered quickly down the hall.

***

After sitting a while on a bench with some really scary-looking people who were all smiling big smiles at her and being really friendly, a guard came by.

“Ms. Sheloran,” the guard said with a big smile. “Your lawyer wishes to speak with you... urgently.”

“Bye, Sheloran!” a huge burly human said. “Come dinner, you sit with us, ok?”

“Ok, Rob!” Sheloran squeaked as she was led into another cubicle.

Baxlon just looked at her and released a single solitary bubble. (bloop)

“That was the single... most....” Baxlon said slowly, “AMAZING thing I have ever seen in my fucking life! By The Great Ocean itself! I thought he was going to have another fucking stroke!”

Baxlon started shuddering with laughter.

“Do you know that he actually quit for the day?” Baxlon howled. “He just fucking walked out! He’s never done that!... Ever! I don’t know what you whispered in his ear, but it hit fucking bone. God, I love you!”

“So I did ok?” Sheloran asked.

“What?” Baxlon said as he started laughing harder than ever. “Oh no! You fucking confessed to murder!” he said, continuing to howl with laughter. “You are going to prison for a very long time! ‘So I did ok?...’ Gods, you are priceless!”

“Eeeeeee,” Sheloran squeaked, her life flashing before her eyes (the boring old way, not the scary new way).

“But it’s going to be the highlight of my career!” Baxlon exclaimed cheerfully. “I’m going to take this one all the fucking way! Jury trial! Media! Appeals! Oh, you are going down in flames, but they are going to be big giant Day-Glo fucking Terran flames!!! The Vengeance during the Battle of All the Marbles flames!!! Finally! Something truly worth a jury! Oh, this is going to be so much fucking FUN!!! Wooo!”

Baxlon spun happily in his globe.

“I am so glad I hooked up with you!” he exclaimed as he rushed forward, his eye filling the entire screen. “I’m not going to make a single fucking credit, but damn, girl, you have been nothing but a hoot to work for. Never a dull moment with you hopping around.”

“I’m really going to prison?” Sheloran squeaked miserably.

“Nothing’s certain,” Baxlon replied. “I’m going to be every bit of the bottom-feeding shit-loach that metallic butt-plug thinks I am on this one, but I’ll be honest... You’re kinda fucked.”

Sheloran just squeaked.

“Now, normally, I would tell you to do exactly what I say but let’s face it, that’s not going to happen, so you just be you and do your thing. I’ll try to make it work somehow,” Baxlon laughed. “Oh, I know! Chewbacca defense!”

“Chewbacca defense?”

“Don’t worry!” Baxlon laughed. “It’s an ancient time-proven strategy, and it is almost as if it was written just for you! You’re going to be you no matter what, so we weaponize it! Weaponized you! Judge Dredd will fucking LOVE it!”

“That can’t possibly work!” Sheloran squeaked so high it was almost inaudible.

“After that little stunt, you pulled,” Baxlon laughed, “It’s the only thing that will work!”

“So... What do I do?” Sheloran asked miserably.

“That’s the beauty of it,” Baxlon laughed. “All you have to do is be yourself. Be you, earnest, lovable, good-natured... guilty as hell... loving, caring, absolutely adorable... Do the rest of it loud enough, and they might just miss that one little detail. You are a mass-murdering psychoplath but damned if you aren’t a photogenic one! The jury will love it, and we are totally doing a jury trial! Do you know that you almost started a riot at the courthouse? People love you!”

Sheloran just sighed and shook her head. Of course. Of course, this was pooping happening. Why was she even surprised? Drop her whole life and cross the pooping galaxy to avoid life behind bars in a Plath prison only to wind up in Tartarus for her entire life.

It was horrible..ly...

funny... It was absolutely pooping hilarious.

She started to laugh.

“Alright,” She said, still laughing, “Talk to me about this Chewbacca and how he is going to save my stubby little tail.”

“Wait. You’ve never heard about Chewbacca?” Baxlon said in surprise. “I thought you were a Terran fangirl.”

“I am,” Sheloran replied. “That’s one crime I’m actually guilty of... well, that and murder, it seems...”

“Then boy, do I have a treat for you!” Baxlon exclaimed happily.