Chapter 133: NON CANNON The Author Has a Mental Break

Chapter 133: NON CANNON The Author Has a Mental Break

“I’m not mad,” Gloria’s cheerful voice leaked through the thick steel bulkhead, “I just want to talk.”

“She doesn’t sound mad,” Sheloran said to the Kalesh, who was pressed against the wall gripping an assault stunner.

“That’s what’s worrying me,” the chief whispered.

Gloria knocked again...

***

“Ugh,” Slightlyassholic muttered as he stared at a mostly blank page. “It’s just not gelling...”

He groaned as he rested his head on his desk.

“Fuuuuuuuuuck...” he moaned as he opened Reddit and checked his profile.

It had been a week since he last posted anything.

“Today, definitely,” he said to himself. “Even if it’s shit, something goes out today.”

He opened up his browser and pulled up Youtube, and picked out Gloria’s theme song for inspiration. He smiled. He found a version that wasn’t part of a Warhammer tribute video so he could link that on his next post, and he wouldn’t look like a derivative hack.

Appearances were important.The roots of this story extend from novell bìn origin.

Hey! MxR Plays had a new video!

As he started moving the mouse over to the Lord and Lady of Immersion, his head was struck sharply from behind.

“Wha?!?” he yelped as he tried not to fall out of his sweat-stained chair.

He felt himself roughly grabbed by the shoulders and spun around, finding himself face to face with Gloria.

“Wha?” he said cleverly. He was known for his wit.

Gloria leaned down to stare him directly in the eyes.

“Quit fucking around and fix my ship,” she said in a cold monotone. “I have things to do.”

“I’m trying,” he replied, trying to back away. (somewhat difficult to do when you are sitting in a chair)

“You’re playing Skyrim and watching Youtube,” she replied, giving him a little shake. “just like you’ve been doing all fucking week. If you click on one more video, I will break your fingers... One at a time.”

“Where am I?” a high-pitched squeak said from the next room. “Hey! There’s a parrot in here! Hello! Can you talk?”

Baby Bird looked up at the strange creature standing in front of her and then went back to eating sunflower seeds.

It wasn’t the strangest thing to happen when her person was off their meds, not by a long shot.

“Is that Sheloran?” Slightly asked as he started to rise only to be shoved back into his chair and spun around to face his monitor.

“Type. Now.” Gloria said firmly.

Sighing, Slightlyassholic started to peck glumly at the keys.

“Wow,” Gloria muttered. “that sucks.”

“I’m trying,” Slightly snapped. “I’m just having a tough time with this right now.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Gloria hissed menacingly. “I want my ship fixed, and I want those new missiles.”

GloRia’s ShIp GeTs Fixed aNd ShE GetS ALL the MisSileS!!!!, Slightly typed and turned to glare at her, earning another slap across the back of his head.

“You have a dog too?” Sheloran said excitedly from the living room.

“Quit the bullshit and get to work,” Gloria growled.

Gloria suddenly comes down with a horribly nasty rash from sitting in her pee-soaked flight suit for all those hours.

Gloria shifted uncomfortably, her eyes blazing. She raised her hand.

It REALLY itched and burned, especially in between her...

Slightly looked up at Gloria, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

Gloria lowered her hand.

“Smart,” Slightly replied.

The mysterious rash disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.

“You’re going to have a hard time typing without any fingers, asshole.”

“Enjoy Limbo, then,” Slightly snarled back. “I could always try to restart the ‘Demon’ story.”

“Big talk for someone with so many power tools laying around...”

“Have you tried asking him nicely?” Sheloran said as she entered the room carrying a small rather shabby-looking dog.

“Speaking of...” Bunny crowed. “I found his spank bank! Slightly!” Bunny laughed, “Didn’t you tell those nice people in the PM’s you weren’t a furry?”

Slightlyassholic quietly facepalmed.

“Holy shit! Skippy!” Bunny shouted, “You’re in here!!!”

“I am?” Skippy screamed with delight as she lunged past Slightlyassholic, turning on the screen again.

“Is this where you came up with my character?” Skippy laughed.

“No,” Slightlyassholic said defensively. “You were written into the Tales well before I found... that.”

“So I just coincidentally look almost exactly like her?”

“I just saw the picture, completely by accident,” Slightlyassholic said defensively, “I wasn’t actively seeking furry porn...”

“Surrre, you weren’t...” Skippy said as she posed seductively, “You know you want this...”

“I wasn’t,” Slightly insisted weakly, “and it sort of matched what I was already envisioning... mostly....”

“So all that time you were talking with all of those people about what she looked like,” Jon said, grinning, “you could have just shown this picture and saved everyone all that trouble?”

“If I promise to start working, will you all please leave?” Slightlyassholic asked in a pleading voice.

“Is Sheloran in here?” Bunny asked.

“Am I?!?!?” Sheloran squeaked in horror from the living room.

“No!” Slightlyassholic shouted. “You aren’t! I swear you aren’t!”

Sheloran ran into the room, clutching a fifth of Jack Daniels.

“Am I?” she asked Bunny.

“Nope,” Bunny laughed.

“Is that... is that... Jack Daniels?!?” Gloria gasped.

“Um, yes,” Sheloran replied. “It says that it’s bourbon. I was going to put some in my tea. It’s yummy.”

“Holy shit!” Jon said as he leaped to his feet. “I’ve only read about it!”

Gloria spun the cap off of the bottle and tossed it into the cat box. (I also have a cat who was hiding as a cat would if all this bullshit was going down.)

“Nooooo!” Slightlyassholic wailed, “Not my Election Bottle! I need that!”

Gloria turned up the bottle.

“Nice!” she said as she passed it over to Jon. “It tastes weird. Good, but weird.”

“Probably because we haven’t grown the same corn in centuries,” Bunny mused. “and the wood barrels would definitely be different... and the climate...”

“Gimme!” Skippy said as she reached for the bottle. “... not bad...”

“What else do you have in here?” Gloria asked as she started to loot Slightlyassholic’s apartment.

“I promise I will start writing... I swear I will!” Slightly exclaimed. “Please stop.”

“I found his wallet!” Gloria exclaimed. “Bunny, where is the nearest liquor store?”

“It’s about thirty miles away,” Bunny replied. “It’s amazing. Most of my commands still work. I had no idea the code I use is actually this old!”

“I have his keys!” Gloria shouted. “Road trip!!!”

“I will post something!” Slightlyassholic wailed. “I promise.”

“Too late, asshole,” Gloria smiled. “I want to try Grey Goose!”

“And Budweiser!” Jon added.

“Ooo!” Sheloran peeped excitedly, “Absinthe! And chocolate! I hear it’s different now!”

“Yeah!” Gloria exclaimed, “Pre-extinction chocolate!”

Slightlyassholic just hung his head. As far as psychotic breaks went, this one was rather manageable... and he was in the mood for chocolate.

“Alright,” he sighed. “I’ll be right back.”

***

As Slightlyassholic’s truck pulled out onto the street, Bunny opened a new browser window.

“Let’s see here... Reddit... HFY... create post...”

“Bunny, no,” Sheloran said accusingly.

“Hey, he said he would post something today, even if it was shit... >:D”