Chapter 262: Sneks, Nopes, and Bella

Chapter 262: Sneks, Nopes, and Bella

"Do what you want to me!" Syd snarled at the two agents sitting across from her, "I'm not telling you shit!"

Agent Liang facepalmed and sighed heavily.

"Sydney..." she said wearily.

"My name is Syd!"

"Syd," Agent Liang continued even more wearily, "nobody is going to do anything to you. We just have a few questions about your... um... friend... Jeruzz."

"You mean my boyfriend, my lover?"

"Yes, that Jeruzz," Agent Liang sighed.

"Yes!" Syd exclaimed, "We're doing it! Is that against the law now?"

The Kalesha sitting next to Agent Liang's eyestalks started quivering with amusement.

"No, Syd," Agent Vashtona said, her eyestalks wiggling even harder, "there is no law against interspecies congress between sapient partners. We just want to..."

"I demand a lawyer!" Syd shouted, "I still have rights, don't I?"

"We aren't the police," Agent Liang said patiently as she could manage, "and you are not under a criminal investigation. We just want to ask you if Jeruzz has mentioned anything about..."

"No," Syd said firmly, "he hasn't."

"I haven't asked you what..."

"It doesn't matter," Syd replied, "He hasn't mentioned it."

"Oh, for the love of..." Agent Liang groaned as she looked up at the ceiling.

"Syd," Agent Vashtona said, her eyestalks shaking violently, "Neither you nor Jeruzz is under any suspicion of any criminal activity or espionage..."

"Then why am I here?" Syd demanded as she crossed her arms.

"Because we are desperately trying to close the books on this part of a very important investigation regarding matters of Republic Security and..."

"Republic Security?" Syd demanded, "What does this have to do with Jeruzz and me? Why can't you just leave us alone?"

"We're trying to, goddammit!" Agent Liang shouted. "All we need to do is have you answer a few simple questions so we can all go home! Please. I'm begging you. Just...”

"Well, I'm not doing it," Syd said. "I won't betray my Jeruzz!"

"Aaaarrrrghhhh!" Agent Liang shouted, jumping to her feet, storming out of the room, and slamming the door behind her while Agent Vashtona's eyestalks whipped back and forth so hard she couldn't see straight.

***

"Am I in throuble?" Jeruzz asked anxiously as he sat across from an elderly gentleman in Doreen's kitchen while she stood behind Jeruzz protectively.

"No, nothing of the sort," the old agent smiled, "We are just investigating the rather unusual incident you were involved in over at Janustec."

"Oh, thath," Jeruzz said, looking down. "It was reeely thary."

"I can imagine," the agent said, "A bunch of armed police smashing their way into the office and pointing guns at you couldn't have been fun."

"Misth Esthmerelda lied tho me," Jeruzz said sadly.

"Yes, she did," the agent said. "Is there anything else you remember about that day, something that she said, or maybe something that you saw? Anything, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, would be helpful."

"I'm thorry," Jeruzz said, "I donth remember anything elesth."

"Okay," the agent said. "If you do remember anything, please let us know. It's terribly important."

"Othay."

"One last question," the agent said, "Do you have any association with Janustec, Sheila Donovan, Sheloran the Plath, Gloria Samuels, Jon Wintersmith, the Cabal, the Xvli known as Skippy, or any of their associates?"

"Um... No?"

"Could you be more firm in your answer, please?"

"No?"

The agent sighed.

"Jeruzz," Doreen said gently, "Don't sound so unsure. It messes with the scanner. If you didn't have any dealing with these people, just say so."

"Buth I didnth!" Jeruzz exclaimed. "How do I thay thath righth?"

"You just did," the agent smiled as he switched off the scanner. "Sorry to trouble you, Doreen."

"Don't worry about it, Jass," Doreen replied. "I'm just glad to get this nonsense over with."

***

"Please, just answer the fucking question!" Agent Liang begged.

"No!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

***

Far away from Agent Liang's anguish, Charlotte was pouring a cup of hot chocolate.

"With extra whip, please!" a Pol-ka exclaimed happily.

"Certainly!" Charlotte said as she topped the mug with a generous sploot.

"Mmm!" the Pol-ka said as he sipped a mug full of one of his only vices, leaving whipped cream all over the felt-like fuzz on his face. "It's perfect!"

"I'm glad to hear that!" Charlotte exclaimed happily, "How is it perfect?"

"I don't know," the Pol-ka replied, "It just is."

He sipped it and winced.

"Did you urinate in this as well?"

"I'm so sorry," she replied, "They didn't teach coffee making where I am from."

"Dude," the Pol-ka sitting next to him, still smeared with whipped cream, said, "I'm not an expert in Nopeology, but if she just served you a bad cup, you need to leave... now."

Charlotte smiled, but the old human didn't flinch. He just downed his espresso.

"May I have another, please?" he said.

"Of course," Charlotte click-purred and once again turned her back to him as she carefully started preparing another cup.

"Dude!" the Pol-ka whispered, "What did you do?"

"That is what I'm trying to find out," the man replied.

"Here you go," Charlotte said pleasantly as she set another cup of espresso in front of the man.

He looked at the cup dubiously and tried not to react to the foul-smelling steam wafting up from its oily surface.

"Man, that reeks!" the Pol-ka exclaimed as everyone at the bar turned to watch.

The old man calmly raised the cup to his lips and downed it in a single gulp without a reaction.

He smiled.

"Would you like another, or are you leaving?" Charlotte asked.

"I think I would like another, please," the man replied.

"Dude!" the Pol-ka exclaimed.

"Certainly," Charlotte smiled.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what we have done to offend you," the old man said calmly.

"After a few more of these," Charlotte purred, her back still to him, "you will leave regardless."

Charlotte was right.

***

Later that afternoon, a Kalesh waddled up.

"Hello!" Charlotte said brightly. "I have some lovely Kab tea! Would you like a cup?"

"I would!" he replied happily. "And are those donuts fresh?"

"They are made just down the street!" Charlotte replied happily.

"Then I will have two of those as well."

Charlotte happily prepared the tea and watched the Kalesh excitedly.

"So, how is it?" she asked.

"The temperature is perfect, and the tea was steeped for exactly the time recommended. However, this tea is of a higher quality, and on the first steeping, it is best to let it steep for a bit less time to bring out the more subtle notes that will be lost on subsequent steepings."

"I will make a note of that!" Charlotte said happily.

"He's still shitting himself, you know," the Kalesh snickered.

"Ah," Charlotte said, her good mood evaporating. "You are one of them."

"Aaron Hoevashono, Department of Education," he replied. "I know we are unwelcome, but I had to try once more. I would like to discuss your test, particularly your method for solving..."

"You are unwelcome," Charlotte said, cutting him off. "If I tell you why, will you all just leave me in peace?"

"It will certainly reduce the intrusions."

"Those who wander in darkness," she said, "are drawn to the light. They face peril and hardship, but the promise of that light drives them to risk everything just to reach it and the fellowship that it offers. When they stumble out of darkness, they are welcomed. Their ignorance isn't a source of scorn. It is a cause for celebration, for the darkness of that ignorance will be driven away by the light we hold aloft as a beacon for any who seek it. That is the way of my people... Terran."

She leaned in menacingly.

"You Terrans, you lie. You hold your beacon aloft, and many are drawn to it, to the false promise it holds. But after those who wander in darkness risk everything, sacrifice everything to come here, they are scorned, ridiculed, and laughed at. They are confronted with a trial that few can prevail against. When they, much more fit than you who have been sinfully coddled and shielded, stumble, they are mocked and cast aside without guidance or direction. They are just turned away with your harsh laughter in their ears."

"That is hardly fair," the Kalesh replied. "There are certain expectations that..."

"It would be fair," Charlotte hissed, "if the trial was. I have questioned many Terrans who come here, and few could pass that test. That is why I detest you. You lie. You lie about your beacon, and you lie about your trial. How can my people trust anything you say when you are so filled with falsehood? Begone, liar, and take that cup with you. I will not have anything befouled by you polluting my swarm. Go and never return."

"Now see here..."

"Go!!!" Charlotte bellowed at full volume, splaying her mandibles angrily.

"Hey!" a high-pitched voice chittered indignantly.

Charlotte turned and saw a rough-looking multi-legged insectoid looking up at her from the opening of a nearby dumpster.

"I won't have you speaking so badly about the Terrans!" it exclaimed. "They are the noblest, kindest, and most generous of beings in the entire galaxy! Their beacon isn't a lie! It is bright and true! What's more, they give so many opportunities and offer so much guidance that I pray to the False God every day, giving thanks for the wonderful Terrans and this paradise made manifest that they have created!"

Charlotte and the Kalesh both looked at the insectoid as if it had lost its mind.

"Wat."

"Hi," the insectoid said brightly, "My name is Belasho, but you can call me Bella!"

***

Author's note:

Concerning Charlotte's accusation about the certification exam being unfair...

After a few years out of high school, how much have you retained?