Chapter 212 - Advise Me This - Part 2

AARYN

Elreth stood over him on the rock, hands at her sides, her mouth open in shock. Aaryn had to brace himself. He hated making her look like that, but she'd just sprung this on him and he knew—he knew—that what she was describing was only going to hurt the disformed. At least, from the way they'd see it. 

Then Elreth shook her head and her hands. "No, no, no. You won't convince me that becoming Advisor to the Queen is bad for the disformed," she snarled. "Being in a position of such power is not abandoning them!"

"But they'll think—"

"Then you show them differently!" she snapped. "That is what leaders do, Aaryn. We make the hard decisions and we have to bring the people with us. If they disagree, we have to persuade them. I am happy to help you, and I can talk to them too, but… but you can't abandon me for them, either!"

"I'm not abandoning you!"

"You are if you insist on choosing them over being my Cohort! I need you, Aaryn. The entire people of Anima need you and you're looking at this so narrowly!"

"Now you're having exactly the reaction they're going to have! I can't win!"

"No, you can't. That's why you get to be Alpha. You get to make the hard choices and own the consequences, and work through them."

"Except that you—and the rest of Anima—aren't coming from a place of weakness, El. You've had every opportunity, every support, every kind of training—for fuck's sake, your family is damn perfect even if they weren't royals! We don't all get that, do you understand that?!" 

He was up in her face. Hadn't even realized he'd gotten to his feet, but there was suddenly a well of rage in his chest. 

Elreth's eyes were wide, her mouth dropped open. He'd shocked her. 

He decided he didn't care.

"You stand here in front of me, saying you need me, when you have literally every good-hearted, strong Anima on the entire continent on your side! Every single one! You've been raised in a home full of love and wisdom. You've been guided your whole life by people who not only know what is right and true, but who have the power to make changes when things go wrong. You've been supported, educated, trained and groomed for this, and now you're squealing to me about how hard it's going to be? WAKE UP, ELRETH!" he snarled.

She blinked like he'd spat in her face, jerking back. But he wasn't done.

"You have no clue, not a single clue, how it's been for those people. Some of them—a really small number—had love and support like you. But even those people had to face hate when they walked around every day. Even as pups, do you realize that? They grew up learning that every minute might—just might—be a minute where they get rejected, or forgotten, or outright hated on. 

"You've never faced hate a day in your life!"

"That's not true!" she spluttered.

"You've never faced this kind of hate!"

"That doesn't mean—"

"These are people who, even when it's a good day, even when things are going well—even when they're being successful—they always have to hold the question in the back of their minds when it's going to go wrong. They always have to be braced for attack, just in case. They know, with certainty, there are people in their lives that can't stand to be around them and will actively work to make them fail."

"You think I don't know how that feels, Aaryn?" 

He clenched his teeth. "Even when you've had resistance, El, you're still the King's daughter. You're still a royal. You could still run home to loving arms, and empathy. Everyone doesn't have that!"

"No, they don't! And I'm grateful for what I have. I know I've got it good, and I don't play the victim. But don't you try to tell me that I've never been hated, or I've never hit obstacles I didn't deserve. I'm a fucking female in a male's world and some people want me to fail just so their precious ideas won't be shaken, do you realize that?" She stormed up to him and put a finger to his chest. "I've been dominant since the day I could walk, and yet every day of my life I've got people asking me when my brother—my irresponsible, angsty, mental fucking brother is going to take the throne! 

"I walked into the first Elders meeting after I beat my FATHER for dominance, and they treated me like a pet that needed to be coddled—until they found out I had teeth.

"My whole life I've had male friends who thought it was so cool that I was strong—until the day I dominated them and then suddenly I'm just a spitting cat that's too annoying to deal with. 

"Even my father set me up to take dominance because it never occurred to him that I could do it on my own—do you have any fucking clue what it's like to have people take one look at you and decide you're not as valuable, or not as smart—or just not right for the job—just because of the way you were born?"

"Yes, I do," Aaryn said quietly. 

Elreth blinked. Then blinked again. Then took a step back. She swallowed. "I'm sorry. I know you do. I wasn't…"

"I  know what you meant, El," he said tiredly, raking a hand through his hair. "So, okay, the reason we understand each other so well is because we both get it, right? We've both experienced it in different ways. But I'm sorry, I'm not buying this whole idea that you're starting from this place of weakness. Misunderstanding, maybe. Prejudice, yes, I'll give you that. But it's different. Not a single Anima has challenged you since you took dominance because they know how strong you are. And they don't want to. They've tried to undermine you, or they've underestimated you. But they've never tried to take you down. Because they know they can't. That is not what my people live. You heard their stories. You know what it's like for them. Even if most of the people don't treat them badly, there's a big enough portion who do that it affects their whole lives. 

"I am not going to be one more Anima who find something better and walks away. I can't do that to them—I can't do that to me!" He stared at her, his jaw hard and tense, his eyes flashing. 

"No," Elreth said quietly. "You'll just do it to me."

Aaryn blinked. 

"Is that how it is, Aaryn?" she asked. "Because I got a good family, I don't get your support? Because I might succeed, I don't get to have you in my corner."

"I am always in your corner, I have always been in your corner! You know that!"

She nodded. "I do. But you're telling me that right now, you'd choose supporting them over supporting me, even when I'm offering you a chance to do both. Really effectively. You're saying their feelings of hurt are more important than mine. You're saying their fear of rejection is more important than mine. You're saying… you're saying a whole lot, Aaryn, that I never thought I'd hear from you. Especially not now."

Aaryn turned away from her, walking off the rock, then turning around to return, but throwing up his hands. He ended up pacing in the dirt. "That's not what I'm saying," he muttered eventually.

Elreth stood on the rock, arms folded and tears in her eyes. "I'm going to tell you something maybe you don't want to hear, but it's true," she said, a hitch in her voice. "Having a good family who loves me is really valuable. You're right. And it sucks that you don't feel that way—and that other disformed don't have that. It sucks hard. But you know what? Family's important. Prioritizing family—even when they're wrong—is important. Because if I break up my family by not being alongside them, then I'm no better off than someone who never had them in the first place.

"You think we're a good, strong family because it's easy? It's not. You think we don't have to choose to love each other every day? We do.

"I am so grateful for my parents, because you're right, they're amazing. And their love is amazing. And they make my life better—easier, more satisfying. All of it. 

"But you know—you have been close enough to know—that doesn't mean we don't hurt. That doesn't mean we don't have to fight to keep ourselves together. My brother and my dad are hanging on by a thread, and I can guarantee you, the only reason Gar hasn't abandoned us, or dad hasn't given up on him, is because we all know if we do that, we won't be able to make it with anyone."

Aaryn sucked in like she'd punched him.

*****

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