[Warning: If you can't handle things related to suicide. Then, I wouldn't recommend reading ahead :)]
Zale gave me a quick run through of how to use the device before me, which I believe he had named, Memory Mirage, which seemed to be quite a fitting name for it considering how one would use it.
Basically, I had to put my head in the purple liquid, and to activate its effects, it needed to come in contact with Aether.
As I prepared myself for it, I couldn't help but be extremely fearful of what might happen if I were to put my head in there. There were some memories that I had managed to completely forget, which I didn't want to relive...like how I had tried to kill myself in my first life.
That was not something I wanted to relive for anything in the world.
However, Zale's voice brought me out of my stupor.
"Are you ready?"
I opened my mouth, but no words came out of it as I just didn't know what to say.
"I-"
If I did this, then there was a good chance that I wouldn't be able to able to face my students for quite some time because I would be on edge, and way too sensible to their words. My memories were no joke, my past also wasn't.
It was probably because I had become the way I was.
Always smiling through the pain I felt. Hiding what I was truly feeling to those around me, making sure that none of them would ever have to worry about me.
Those things were very far from being healthy, but I felt like they were fitting for the situation.
"I'm tired of this..." The past me muttered under his breath as he turned to his right toward the void, looking down. "Should I put an end to this?"
This was a thought that I had often had in the past.
Killing myself.
I thought killing myself would make things better for my parents. I thought I was the cause of why they kept fighting and being violent each passing day. Telling me that I was a failure, that I was useless, that I was the one who had ruined their lives.
Imagine saying words like that to a ten-year-old. Can't you imagine what it would do to them mentally?
That's why those suicidal thoughts of mine surfaced when I was younger.
Stay connected through empire
"Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I died...maybe my parents would finally become happy that I was gone," the past me continued to mutter as he looked down.
With those words, I saw my younger self climbing against the guardrail with small and flimsy muscles, getting right on top of it, looking down, still hesitating about my next decision. However, looking back at my actions, I couldn't help but think that I was just an ignorant fool who ignored everything about the world that surrounded him.
My parents didn't think that I was the reason for all misfortunes. It was just much easier to say things like that to a ten year old child, then to face your own problems on your own.
At the time, I was just a troubled child, nothing more, nothing less.
'I shouldn't have thought about giving up when I was younger. I should have been stronger than that,' I thought to myself, still looking at my younger self.
However, just as the scene was about to continue, I could not longer see, and when I could, I was thrown into another memory of mine. This time it was a memory of the younger Caedrel Stuart, who had recently been sent to the battlefield.