Chapter 45 - Anti-romantic

She had a period of time when she huffed and puffed about the universe being unfair to her. She had awful parents, awful social skills, and now awful luck. Having so many things fall short of her expectations was hard.

She just wanted things to work out or be easier, but it hardly ever panned out that way.

Maybe it wasn't the universe. Maybe it was just her. She did these things to herself or deserved them somehow.

She traced back through her past and tried to find a moment when she did something that could've upset the world, but all she found were little mistakes that didn't mean anything now.

Her phone buzzed on her nightstand again. She knew that some of them were Elias and some were Zoe.

She didn't want to talk to Elias. She would hear excuses or things he made up to make her feel better. She didn't want to hear that. The moment was gone.

She didn't even know if she could still be friends with him after this. When she looked at him, all that she would be able to think about was the kiss.

She would think about how he stood still and didn't respond. That would cloud her memory forever. She couldn't think of any words he could say that would change that.

She hated being this negative, especially when thinking about Elias. He was such a ray of sunshine and hope for her for so long. Now, she just saw darkness when she thought of him.

She saw everything that she wanted and couldn't have, and that killed her. It was like that before the kiss, but now she knew that he didn't want her. There was no chance for them.

Alyssa wanted to try to think of this as a good thing. Maybe they weren't meant to be together. Maybe she saved herself from worse heartache down the road when she got even closer to him.

However, that only comforted her for a second. She wanted to be right for him. She wanted him to be right for her. It had felt that way for so long.

She forced herself to sit up, feeling her head ache from crying so much. She had to stop this. This was helping no one, especially herself.

She had grown up locking herself away in her room, and it only hurt her more because she wasn't the kindest to herself. She needed someone on the outside. 

Alyssa grimaced at the thought of talking about what happened, but the goal of this year was to grow. She couldn't let this destroy her progress so early on.

Her future self would never forgive her, and she owed it to herself to try to see the good in this. She could think of one person who could see the good in anything no matter what.

Strangely, she was also calling right then. Alyssa grabbed the phone off of her nightstand and answered.

"Hello," she said. Her voice sounded faint and monotone.

"Finally, you pick up! I've been trying to get a hold of you since last night," Zoe sighed into the phone.

"I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone," Alyssa admitted. She was still iffy about it, but she was trying to go against the darker part of her mind. She could do that by talking to a friend instead of herself.

"Well, since you actually picked up this time, I'm guessing that changed?" Zoe asked.

Alyssa remained quiet for a few seconds, wondering if she really wanted to do this or not. She looked like a mess, but if Zoe was going to be her friend for a while, she would probably see worse.

"Can you come over?" she asked. Once she said the words, she felt a bit nervous. She didn't want Zoe to see her as that girl that cried over boys all the time.

It was just this boy that really struck her hard, and she had a feeling that Zoe knew that. Zoe wanted them to be together.

"Of course. Be there soon," Zoe replied before hanging up.

Alyssa guessed that she was rushing before Alyssa could change her mind. Smart move. She forced herself out of bed and brushed her teeth and hair.

She didn't want to look like a complete monster when Zoe got there. She didn't worry about her room, though. She hadn't done anything in it to make it dirty.

She pulled on a clean t-shirt and a pair of lounge shorts before slipping on her sneakers.

She didn't care about looking all that great right now. She just needed to fetch Zoe from outside. After opening her door, she slipped out into the quiet hallway.

The weekends were always really quiet in the dorms. People either went out to do things, slept, or went home for the weekend. She liked these times.

They would've felt peaceful to her now if her mind wasn't going through so much torment.

Alyssa turned the corner to see Zoe lingering outside. She opened the door and forced a small smile on her face as Zoe approached her.

She didn't want to look completely miserable in public, even if she felt that way.

"Thanks for coming," she said as she took Zoe's ID.

Zoe gave her a sympathetic look as she nodded. She didn't say anything in front of the front desk person as she got checked in. She only spoke once they got into Alyssa's dorm and shut the door.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

Alyssa figured that would be the first question. She hopped up on her bed and shrugged.

She might as well be honest because Zoe would look right through her. She didn't bring Zoe here to lie to her anyway.

"Not too great," she said. She could go on and on about how upset she was about the situation, but that was obvious in her look. She didn't even need to say it. The answer was obvious.

"Elias found me last night after you left. He said you guys kissed," Zoe said.

Alyssa nearly laughed at that. She didn't even know why, but she was sure it was the embarrassment. She couldn't believe that she had botched something so good.

"I kissed him," she corrected Zoe. They didn't both lean in for some magical moment. She leapt on him and kissed him, and he froze up. There was no magic in that moment.