Chapter Ninety: What We Didn’t Want You Knowing

Chapter Ninety: What We Didn’t Want You Knowing

I wasn’t a stranger to being near my Mistress when she had sex. I never wished to be a burden. If she had to go to a different room because of me... That meant I was the problem.

Mistress's happiness was my happiness.

Before she saved me, I thought that was beyond me.

I was a halfbreed...thrown in the trash by almost everyone I knew after failing to summon suitable spirits for them. I was given as a sacrificial shield for Noelia, who sold me to brothels and anyone willing to pay her. She often watched my torment... She hated the way I looked. She despised my gross body.

And it was through her that I came to hate everything about me.

But then I met Mistress... She was just a voice in the darkness. She was someone I couldn’t see. I could hardly hear her. Yet...

I wanted to follow her... There was nothing else to lose, so when the voice I heard asked me to pledge my loyalty... I nodded.

Why not? If I died, then I died and left this painful world. And it was a trap? It wouldn’t have been the first.

And that changed...everything for me...

Mistress was my reason to live. She was why I wanted to get up in the morning. And she was why I discovered a source of determination I thought I had lost.

I was ready to die for her.

I was ready to lay down my life for her.

But then Tilde had told me...that living like that was a mistake. It wouldn’t be what Mistress wanted. She told me that after I had given my speech, Mistress would desire me to be an equal. I was willing to pray to her... Honestly? I had already prayed to her a little.

I really...wanted her to be my goddess...even if I knew she wouldn’t want my worship.

I didn’t know how I'd react after hearing it, but I was strangely calm. If being an equal...would make Mistress happier than me serving her...

I’d stand by her side at any time.

But I didn’t know how to find something to live for that wasn’t her because I...didn’t know what I had.

Family?

They were probably dead. I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. My father's voice wasn't there. And I'd forgotten what my siblings looked like. All that remained was the cold, frigid winters, frightening snowstorms, and fields that never produced enough food...

But I had Irisa. I had Ichiha and Kokan... They nursed me when I was at my weakest—when anyone else would’ve written me off. The Dark Lord of Tyranny regarded me as a friend. She talked to me when she changed my bandages. And Tilde... She was always there. Before she had evolved, she was probably aware of Mistress developing like this. The fairy had probably considered my feelings and prepared for this day. I wasn't close with Erin, but we bonded. We both loved Lei, and we played with him. And Erin helped me with my training as an honorary member of Pawsome Fables...

And then there was Primrose—the first spirit to answer my summoning in years. I knew Aetos had given her to me to spy on Mistress and Sekh. But I was happy to have finally summoned something... I was happy to not feel like a failure any longer.

And then it hit me...

I could live for myself. I could live for the strength no one said I had. I desired to evolve into a Dragonfolk...to prove to myself that I had it in me all along. Summoning a draconic spirit was said to be one of the hardest things for a summoner to do. They were powerful and proud—they tore the skies with a roar and could summon powerful meteorites with a flap of their wings.

I now wished to summon one to prove that I could. I still wanted to be the Transcendent Dark Lord’s spirit summoner. That goal would never change, but the hidden objective, as Tilde put it, had become more...selfish.

Mistress wanted that. She desired me to be more selfish and do things for myself.

Part of that selfishness...frightened me.

I hadn’t told anyone, but I despised it when Mistress had sex around me. I hated smelling or hearing it. Those gross sounds always forced my body to recall...what it endured during my darkest moments. Having those heavy bodies press me into the bed... Having those nails dig into my back...

When Mistress was intimate with her lovers...I forced myself to endure it. I killed the shudders I felt. Those nightmares were slaughtered. I refused to entertain them.

I thought Tilde hadn’t realized it, but she did. She didn’t bring it up when we spoke the night before—when Mistress and Tris were enjoying some intimate time together. The fairy just said she would create an opportunity for me to talk with the smartest being in the world. Tilde had done just that. I knew she and Mistress were having sex above us. I was in the hold with Primrose and Tris.

“You should speak your mind,” said Tris. She kneeled and held a cup of water.

“I...” It was hard to find the words.

“Shall I assist? Niva, do you love her?”

“I do!” I exclaimed. It felt like a dagger was in my throat.

“Do you want to have sex with her?”

“I... My body is dirty. It’s been defiled. It’s corrupted... I’ve... She wouldn’t accept someone like me--”

“Forgive me, but that is a lie.” Tris’s eyes were sharp. They narrowed, but she wasn’t angry. “I know you despise carnal relations. It is, after all, understandable. I am aware of what you endured. If I had to guess... You’re...conflicted about your feelings. A part of you wishes to offer everything to your Mistress. The other part is hesitant. It is having serious thoughts about why you want to do this. Is it truly out of love? Do you wish to repay your Mistress for saving your life? Subconsciously, since you have yet to summon a draconic spirit, and I am aware of your recent thoughts on that after speaking with Tilde, you are left with only your body.”

I was stunned. How could Tris have known...so much? She continued.

“You despise watching. You hate the smell. You didn’t want to tell your Mistress because you didn’t want to hurt her. It doesn’t matter how big or small an injury is, or if it’s physical, verbal, or mental... You're the type to never inflict discomfort upon her. Even an ounce, in your mind, is far too heavy.”

“You’re right,” I admitted. Primrose held my hand. I felt tears drip from my eye. Tris’s monochrome form became hazy.

“Your Mistress wishes for you to be happy more than anything. She won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If you wish to repay her? Merely be happy. Find your joy. However, I do not need to continue because you have already found it. It is never wrong to be selfish.” Tris smiled with a gentle expression. “Close friendship and camaraderie are what she seeks more than any physical relationship. She is not the same person as when she saved you.”

“Tris is right.” My heart stopped. I turned to the stairs and found Mistress. Tilde, wearing pajamas, was asleep in her arms. Mistress put her fairy to bed and sat beside me. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“NO! It wasn’t like that. It was--- I mean—It...”

“Progressing in an endless cycle of apologies is not advisable,” Tris said, sipping her water.

Mistress continued. She promised things would change. Her intimate times with her lovers would happen away from me. I wanted that... Suddenly, she rubbed my head, and it felt like everything was right in the world.

If Mistress wanted me to treat her as an equal...then I’d have to accept things here. Endlessly apologizing would only lead us into a cycle—Tris was right. We didn’t want that. Tris looked at me, so I wondered if this was a small test? I knew she was constantly communicating with Mistress.

“I...”

“I...?” repeated the High Elf...

“I love you, M—Mila... I’ll always love you. As a friend... As someone I know I can turn to when I need help. And you can turn to me when you need help, too...”

“Between you and me? Mila sounds much better than Mistress. I love you too, Niva.” Mila kissed my head.

Tilde’s voice came in sputters. Her breathing was heavy and loaded, but I didn’t know what she said. She held my hand tighter and cried louder, like she didn’t want to hear me speak.

“Yeah...” I signed and looked up. “My birth name wasn’t Shuuta Fenton... It was Michael... Michael Fenton.”

The past... The one thing Tilde and Tris knew about me that I had forgotten rushed to my mind after Tilde mentioned ‘those memories.’ It lasted for a mere moment, but it felt like an eternity.

It was no secret—I was abused by Mia and her parents. But it didn’t end there. No, you could say that was the beginning. At some point, before I was 10, I was forced to attend an event. There, a man named Marshall Doctrinae approached Mia and her family with an offer.

“The fucker wanted to rent me, didn’t he? Mia needed money. That’s how they paid for the advanced learning chambers. Marshall was on the company’s board of directors, so they sold me to him for weeks at a time.”

Tris sobbed. I’d never seen her so upset. Tilde begged me to stop. She wanted me to stop thinking and forget about it. That doorway couldn’t be closed once it opened.

But I couldn’t...

I had to continue...

Marshall hated my name. He had it legally changed to Shuuta to suit his fetish. My obsessions with guns and ancient military strategies were a form of escapism. “My mind needed something to focus on. It needed a distraction. So, I often thought of killing them all, didn’t I? The days were filled with torment... From being thrown from bed to bed...being chained down and pumped with drugs... The injections wouldn’t let me sleep, so the nights needed to be occupied so I wouldn’t go insane.”

What happened to me...was what Niva had endured... No wonder I felt...a link to her. We had suffered similarly.

“When I was too old for that bastard, he voided the contract. But Mia was on top of the world by then. Her success can be linked to my sacrifice. And I’d forgotten all about it... What I endured...killed most of what made me...me. That's why I couldn't be angry... That's why I didn't care... That's why..."

“That goddamn bitch would have nothing if not for you! Master!!!! It’s not fair!!!” Tilde punched the ship’s floor. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why did you have to remember it?! Master, stop! Please... You’re not... You’re not ready... It’s too...”

“Stop it. You’ll hurt your hand.” Tilde punched the deck, but her fist met my hand. It turned to slime and softened the blow.

“And why do you sound so calm?! Why—” Tilde’s eyes were hazy by her tears. “Why aren’t you mad?!”

“Because I’ve separated the emotional link from the corresponding factual events,” Tris said, speaking for me. Her voice was barely audible. She opened a [Skyview] window to my Divine Skill’s internal world.

There...

The Essence of Wrath was writhing out of control. The torrential flaming sea clashed hard against her iron platform.

She screamed, clutched her head, and cut into her flesh with a flaming dagger. The wounds were healed, but her agony was never gone. Eventually, flaming tendrils spewed from her back and eviscerated her stomach before shattering her flaming horns. The exclamation of pains never ended...because the Essence of Wrath was living through my trauma...so I didn’t have to feel it.

“MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!”

Tilde didn’t get it, but Tris calmly explained the best she could. “The Essence of Wrath is a tool to be used. Its feelings do not count. Its hopes and dreams are nonexistent. On the threshold of importance, they rank even less than worms that live in the dirt,” she said, wiping her teary eyes.

Tris quickly regained control over her emotions and cracked a small smile when the Essence of Wrath let loose a horrid scream. “I had prepared for this the moment I evolved, although I didn’t know if I had enough time to properly implement it.” Something like this was usually impossible. But the repressed memories of Michael Fenton and his abuses were malleable.

Tris could manipulate and alter them because they were partly hidden from my conscious mind because I had unintentionally repressed them. It was a gamble, but it paid off.

“Basically, I received the factual knowledge without any emotional bias. If I had...” I pointed to the [Skyview] window. Tris closed it. I thanked her and Tilde for not telling me.

But Tilde was a wreck.

She was a mess. Snot dribbled down her nose, sullying her lips and chin. I’d never seen her so upset. She constantly begged for my forgiveness.

But what was there to forgive?

She didn’t do this to me.

I...did this to myself.

My former self couldn’t handle these memories, so my mind cast them to the darkest reaches.

Tilde struggled when I embraced her. She probably thought she wasn’t deserving. But her combative nature died when I told her I loved her. She became weak at my touch... Tris joined the hug to comfort our fairy.

"I'm not mad," I whispered to my favorite fairy. "I'm not upset..." And I really wasn't. Tilde was always looking out for me. She was overprotective of matters like these, but it turned out?

I was ready. No, Tris was ready. It seemed she always had a plan.

I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I did without these two.

Tilde told me Surtr and the other lions knew. They received the info after Tris finished their initialization. Sekh would be aware after the lions sent her a surge of mana to catch her up on what went down while she was out.

Irisa and my family weren’t privy. Was it even right to tell them? Needless trauma...was what it was. And they’d been through enough. I didn’t need to add on my troubles when they didn’t matter anymore. The past was the past. Michael wasn’t me. Shuuta wasn’t me.

I was Lyudmila Vredi Springfield...

Right?

Suddenly, I heard whimpering. Niva and Prim had woken up at some point. I confirmed they had heard everything.

Niva knew what I went through. She said my abuses were worse than what she endured. I wanted to say it was dumb to even measure them, but that...would probably be insensitive.

But it didn’t stop them from crying. Niva and Primrose took an arm and hugged me. They wept on my shoulders and apologized for what I endured.

“Niva?” After fifteen minutes of silent whimpering, I finally uttered a word.

“Yes? I’m here for you, Mila,” she replied, sniffling. Her eye was reddened.

“Even if the emotions aren’t there... I...want the memories to go away. How do I do that?”

“You...can’t. I don’t have nightmares anymore, but... There are still glimpses that show up when I least expect it. That’s the past, Mila. Primrose once told me we live in the present. But I know the more time I spend with my loved ones, the more those memories will be pushed away. Eventually, I won’t even think of them. They’ll be there, but they won’t ever curse me again.”

My friends and lovers supported me. They helped me lay down and cuddled beside me. Even if the emotional aspects had been severed, there...were still the aftereffects. The sudden realization of everything Michael Fenton had endured.

The nightmares didn’t come. They tried to, but they were redirected to the Essence of Wrath.

She would endure it.

She would suffer in my place.

The hell I had lived became her everything.