CH 36

Yihan had long believed that Yeon Hwawoon’s beauty was nothing special. 

For a few moments after his first entrance to the palace, Yihan, of course, thought it was amazing how the man could have such a definite beauty, but it was only a momentary appreciation. To begin with, Yihan was not very interested in the appearance of the concubines, and the other concubines, who were women, were also beautiful people with their own charms, so the beauty that Hwawoon had never meant much to Yihan.

And then, as everyone knew, his outward appearance couldn’t be more appreciated because of his temperament, which was so great that it even covered his appearance.

Since Yihan’s feelings for the Empress and his concubines had nothing to do with their beauty, Yeon Hwawoon’s beauty could not mean anything to justify his numerous misdeeds.

Thus, Yihan would deem this as a very strange thing. He would call it an incomprehensible thing.

He had already seen Yeon Hwawoon’s handsome face again and again. After countless days, it had already become meaningless to Yihan a long time ago.

But why now? Why must it be now?

He wondered why he got very restless from looking at Hwawoon’s face at a close distance.

He always made a fuss as if the world were shaking just by a word from Yihan, but recently, he was calm no matter what Yihan said and did, making Yihan disturbed inside. But now, seeing his eyes shaking in confusion while they were filled with only himself, a strange joy rose in the corner of his heart. Certainly, this was a feeling he had never felt before.

His curiosity arose. He also felt like he got thirsty. The flawless pale cheeks, the lips that were moist red as if something was put on them, and the hair with a mystifying color that flowed down on the thin neckline that looked like it would break if he held it with his hand. All of those disturbed Yihan’s breath and distracted his gaze.

The flowers in Suhwawon spread a dizzying scent. No, it could have been someone’s scent, not the scent of flowers, but Yihan kept biting his innocent lip to avoid thinking about it. What did he want to do, what he was trying to do? Nothing was clear. 

“Your Majesty…?” 

It was Hwawoon’s voice full of wonder that awakened Yihan, who was shaking as if he were standing alone in a distorted world. Only then did Yihan, who came to his senses, realize that he was trying to touch Hwawoon’s cheek with another hand that wasn’t holding his waist. 

“…!”

Yihan himself was more surprised than anybody else. He immediately retracted his hand and pushed Hwawoon, who was close to being completely hugged by him. As Hwawoon stumbled due to a sudden force, this time too, Yihan detained him without realizing it—reached out his hand and hurriedly caught him.

He felt like every emotion and action he had didn’t move as he wanted. 

Meanwhile, Hwawoon, who fortunately didn’t fall, looked up at Yihan and asked, 

“Your Majesty, are you okay?”

Yihan felt like shouting at Hwawoon. He strangely felt irritated as Hwawoon worried about him instead of blaming himself for being lost and acting selfishly.

In the past, it was all his task to soothe or get angry to calm down Hwawoon, who always easily got excited and did evil deeds. However, in recent days, in the relationship between the two, Yihan had been fickle all the time, and Hwawoon looked after Yihan’s mood, so it was safe to say that their relationship was completely reversed. 

“You don’t look well. Your Majesty, should I call Eunuch Oh?”

Hwawoon asked while taking a step closer to Yihan. He seemed like a person who had already forgotten that Yihan had hugged his waist and tried to touch his cheek a while ago.

His heart ached because it seemed like he—Sung Yihan—himself alone was the only one who still cared about Yeon Hwawoon’s skinny body in his arm, the breath scattered at the tip of his nose, his reflection in his light eyes, and the cheek that he unconsciously wanted to touch. Yihan then talked while trying to make up a stern voice.

“It’s none of your concern. I’m fine.”

Yihan was okay. He thought he was fine. He had to be fine because he had no reason to be not fine. Yihan then continued,

“… Let’s go back.”

“Your Majesty. Is there nothing else you want to say to me?”

“…”

“If you have something to say, then please tell me. I will follow it.”

The reason why Hwawoon asked Yihan once more, who turned his body with a firm expression, was because there were many emotions that were hard to understand in the emperor’s eyes that he faced a while ago. It was not just this time. Hwawoon had already faced Yihan, who seemed to be confused, many times.

Although he knew he had no right to, he got greedy. He knew it was even more absurd when he remembered he was Hawoon, who was less than a commoner. However, when that person was in front of him, when that person was at a distance where he could reach and touch, he came to hold a groundless desire to share his burden without realizing it.

When he met the emperor for the first time, he only wanted to get a bit closer. He thought he could do anything if he could stay in the palace where he stayed, even if it was so vast that he wouldn’t even pass by him for the rest of his life. Now that he had taken the position of his concubine, which he dared not dream of, he kept dreaming more and more and became greedy.

It was probably because from the first time until now, the emperor was the only person who was like the future that Hwawoon dreamed of. 

It was hard for him to hold back. He didn’t want to hold back, even though he knew it was shameless of him. Hwawoon slowly knelt down on one knee in front of Yihan, who still had sunken eyes. As he heard Yihan asking, “What are you doing?”, Hwawoon said,

“How can I guess the weight Your Majesty carries on and hope that you will share it with me?” 

“…”

“But Your Majesty, I… I’d like it if you don’t bear everything alone…”

Hwawoon knew that he had no right to say that. He knew that those words weren’t something that he could say to the emperor. However, despite knowing so, Hwawoon wanted to say that. There must be many capable and good people next to him, so he thought it would be better for the emperor to share the burden rather than take all the things alone.

Of course, even if he didn’t say anything, there were a lot of people who were smarter and worried more about the emperor than himself. He also knew his words wouldn’t do any good. But still, Hwawoon wanted to convey his feelings with his own mouth. 

Yihan was silent for a moment. Hwawoon couldn’t check Yihan’s expression because he was still on his knee, so he was holding his nervous breath. He felt like the emperor’s cold voice was ready to pour down on him. He felt like the emperor was going to yell at himself, who are you to say that without knowing your place?

However, instead of such a voice telling him that he had no right to say that, Hwawoon saw a hand reach out to him. 

It was a hand the emperor reached out to Hwawoon, who was kneeling down.

Flustered, Hwawoon looked up at Yihan without knowing it. Hwawoon could not easily guess the feelings reflected in Yihan’s eyes looking down at him because they were still so deep, but the fingertips he was reaching out to Hwawoon were still there.

As if enchanted, Hwawoon then put his hand on top of the emperor’s hand. The emperor’s hand was big and hot. As Hwawoon’s white and small hand was put there, the emperor’s hand with prominent bones looked twice as big as when it was alone. As that hand wrapped around the back of his hand, Hwawoon held his breath unconsciously as if his heart was being squeezed.

The emperor, who slowly raised Hwawoon up, moved his lips like a man trying to say something. Hwawoon wanted to hear it quickly, but he also wanted to never hear it. He himself had no way of knowing which one he wanted. 

The emperor, who repeatedly held his breath and exhaled several times, eventually talked.

“Let’s go back now.”

It was never an answer to what he said, but the fact that the emperor did not ignore or laugh at what he said was reassuring, so Hwawoon unwittingly tightened his grip. Let’s go back. The words were so ordinary and meant nothing, that his heart suddenly became overwhelmed.

Let’s go back.

Hwawoon had been through so many things until he heard these very ordinary words from the emperor.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

A little more. Just a little more. When Hwawoon answered while pressing down on his surging desire, and withdrew his hand, the emperor looked at his hand for a while, which was now empty, and then turned around.

The two people were silent on their way to the place where Eunuch Oh and the other courtiers were waiting, but the worlds in their hearts were rocking quietly.