CH 38

It was suffocating. All the organs inside his whole body seemed to be squeezing out. It wasn’t caused by anyone else. It was the pain of the guilty conscience that Hwawoon had.

Hawoon died in vain after saving Yeon Hwawoon. Most would only sympathize with Hawoon. Death of no value. Not a great man, but only a low life that died to save Yeon Hwawoon. That was how the world viewed the death of Hawoon.

But Hawoon knew that was not entirely true; this was not that simple.

Everyone knew about Hawoon’s death. Although they might not have been deeply sad, the guards who lived with Hawoon would have known. And although he would have been forgotten in later days, the noble emperor knew that one life had disappeared from saving Yeon Hwawoon.

But, what about Yeon Hwawoon’s death? The world didn’t know about his death. No one knew of his death—not only his parents but also the people of Jeongan Palace who had always lived with him, and also the Emperor, who meant the most to Yeon Hwawoon in the world.

And the only person in the world who knew about Yeon Hwawoon’s death—Hawoon—was shamelessly taking over Yeon Hwawoon’s body and enjoying what he should have enjoyed instead.

“Hic… Hic…”

He didn’t want this. Hawoon never wished for this. However, could he be free from all responsibility just because he didn’t want it? He could not honestly say that he was not Yeon Hwawoon. And could he, who pretended to be Yeon Hwawoon, be confident to say this didn’t happen because he wanted it?

It was the guilty conscience that had been hanging on Hwawoon’s back all along.

Whenever the girls of Jeongan Palace smiled at him. Whenever Ahjin treated him with a bright smile.

Whenever the kind emperor treated his efforts generously. Whenever those things happened.

Hwawoon felt proud and happy while being weighed down by the same weight of guilt on the other side.

“Your Highness! Your Highness Yeonbin!” 

At that time, Ahjin, who heard Hwawoon’s cry, turned pale and ran inside. Seeing Hwawoon curled down and crying, she was so surprised that she almost fainted. She pulled him into her arms and shouted out.

“The doctor! Call the palace doctor! Hurry!”

“Ahjin… Hic… Ahjin…”

“Yes, Your Highness. I’m Ahjin. Your Highness! Take a breath. Follow me and take a breath, Your Highness!”

Hwawoon thought he saved Ahjin’s world. Thinking that as Hawoon became Yeon Hwawoon, Ahjin became a little happier and could live like a human being. Hwawoon regarded that the same as a ray of light for him, who was spending each day fighting the guilt.

However, Hwawoon thought again as he listened to Ahjin’s voice that was looking for the doctor while soothing him with a tearful voice. If Ahjin found out that his existence was a lie. If she knew that the person she followed and served was actually a lot lower than herself. Then, could all this remain a good thing for Ahjin?

He wondered if that perhaps was more shameful for Ahjin than to be insulted and beaten.

“Your Highness, hold there a bit more… Soon… Soon, the doctor will come…”

As he closed his eyes as though fainted, he thought of Yeon Hwawoon’s face, crying while looking at him with a very sad look. Then, he remembered the emperor’s strong yet kind hand that was reaching out to him, but that touch would never have been a touch for his humble existence.

Just as Yeon Hwawoon in his dreams did, Hwawoon couldn’t hold back his tears.

***

“Your Majesty.” 

Eunuch Oh’s voice was heavy. He just went out of the bedroom for a while to hear the news whispered by a young eunuch. Yihan had been waiting for his words ever since and had his heart turned heavy as he saw the eunuch’s dark face and voice. Eunuch Oh then continued, 

“His Highness Yeonbin…”

“Why? Did Yeonbin do something again?”

He asked in a brusque manner so as not to get his anxious feeling caught. Like a person trying to deceive himself, Yihan tried to ignore the uneasy premonition that suddenly came in. He wanted to say that he didn’t care even if anything really happened to that person. He wanted to argue like that, saying he didn’t care about anything that happened to Yeonbin.

“… It is said His Highness Yeonbin is unwell, and the doctor hurried to Jeongan Palace early in the morning.”

“…”

“The people from Jeongan Palace said he was in great agony and then collapsed…”

He didn’t hear Eunuch Oh’s voice till the end. This was because his heart had been tightening hard since the moment he was told that Yeonbin was sick, turning his effort to control his mind in vain. Even though he knew he didn’t have to pay attention every time Yeon Hwawoon was sick because it happened more than 200 days a year, the moment he heard it, Yihan was so shaken that he felt dizzy. This was also the first time for him. 

“What… what did you say…”

He tried to speak nonchalantly but failed. Yihan’s voice was helplessly trembling.

Did he look unwell? Yihan quickly combed through his memories and recalled Hwawoon’s figure he saw in Suhwawon. Did he look in pain? Was there any sign of him feeling unwell? I didn’t notice anything different from usual because Yeonbin’s face is always pale, and his body is always thin, but was he holding back the pain? All of Yihan’s thoughts were mixed by the sense of time that felt like flowing backward.

He recalled Yeon Hwawoon stumbling when he pulled him into his arm and when he pushed him away. He wondered if that was a sign. In the past, Yeon Hwawoon always lived with the word ‘sick’ in his mouth, and Yihan came to not believe it. After he announced to everyone that he would change, never even once he say he was sick in front of the emperor. Then, was he actually hiding the fact that he was feeling unbearably sick at that time?

Just because he said he didn’t believe him. Just because he intimidated him by saying he wouldn’t be played by his sick play. He wondered if that was why Yeon Hwawoon pretended not to be sick in front of him.

Yihan unconsciously took a step. It was not a thoughtful step. It was also not that he thought he should visit Yeon Hwawoon.

“I… I’d like it if you don’t bear everything alone…”

Yihan recalled the brazen remark Hwawoon uttered to himself. Yeon Hwawoon’s fragile shoulders as he desperately said he wanted the emperor to not burden everything alone.

Therefore, Yihan, the emperor of one nation, who was also a man to Yeonbin, Yeon Hwawoon, suddenly thought of this.

Then, who’s there for Yeon Hwawoon? Who’s there for Yeon Hwawoon, who took the difficult road, and decided to change in the face of everyone’s contempt and ridicule? The numerous gazes and scorn he has to deal with, the emperor’s refusal; with whom could he share his burden?

“Let’s go to Jeongan Palace.”

That came out unwittingly. He didn’t even make up his mind in advance to say that, but words flowed out like an instinct, and his feet had moved first before that. Meanwhile, Eunuch Oh stopped Yihan.

“… Your Majesty. It’s time for the morning assembly.”

“…”

“The ministers are waiting for you.” 

Yihan clenched his fists tight and glared at the eunuch, who was bowing in front of him. He didn’t do anything wrong, but without knowing it, fire lit up in his heart for a moment. He almost yelled to order him to move away.

Why? What was that for? It had been a long time since Yeon Hwawoon’s sickness became something trivial, but what was the difference this time? Why was the emperor hesitating to walk, and glaring at the innocent person even when there was something he clearly had to do first?

“Someone must have been informing the Empress Palace as well, so the Empress would take care of him first. It’s not too late to go to Jeongan Palace after you finish your duties, Your Majesty.”

Eunuch Oh once again persuaded the Emperor who stopped and did nothing. Even though Yihan was thinking this was something that didn’t even need the eunuch to persuade him, he couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t move his steps easily. 

What is more important to the emperor than the work for the nation? Does something like that exist in the world? Why was Yihan so reluctant to put off Hwawoon for a while? Why?

“… We’re heading to Cheonggeon Hall.”

After a long time, the emperor spoke, exhaling a very stiff breath. The palm touched by the fragile and cold hand of Hwawoon, which was as weak as if it would be crushed if he held it strongly, stung again, but Yihan tried to pretend not to know and walked his way.

The early morning air was as fresh as it could be, but the breath of the emperor was heavy. Throughout the journey to Cheonggeon Hall, no one dared to guess the emperor’s mind.