CH 110

He felt a shiver in his spine as soon as he saw Hwawoon stand in front of it. He felt more anxious because he couldn’t easily guess what Hwawoon was thinking in front of this pond. Perhaps it was sketchy guilt. Recently, Yihan stopped visiting Jeongan Palace without saying anything. It was up to the emperor whether to visit a concubine’s residence, but it might not be the same for Hwawoon’s mind as he had to wait for the emperor without knowing why. 

This was the reason Yihan felt guilty. Yihan wondered if Hwawoon was thinking about the days he disregarded him when he looked at this pond. He was afraid that he might be going back to those days, recalling the time when he was ignored by the emperor for something that he had no memory of. He was the one who put Hwawoon into this situation, but ironically, he had such worries. 

After staring at the carp swimming freely beneath the pristine pond water, Yihan turned his attention back to Hwawoon, who stood beside him. When he saw the unchanging clean and neat face, Yihan felt all the stormy emotions that had been complicating his mind subside like a lie. 

As if he had reached the right place. As if he had done the thing he had to do, and come to a place he had to come to.

Hwawoon’s clear eyes, calm expressions, and unique atmosphere, which couldn’t be explained simply as beautiful, made countless hours of agonizing over feeling like he was on the wrong path irrelevant at once. Yihan said with a more stable voice. 

“Are you all well?” 

“I am well thanks to your concern, Your Majesty. However…” 

“…?”

“How come you don’t look so good?” 

This time, Hwawoon asked with a face full of worry. Yihan looked taken aback for a while by the unexpected question, but Hwawoon was just looking sadly at the emperor’s cheeks, which had lost weight in a few days. 

“Were you… were you very busy?” 

Hwawoon asked again. In fact, it was a question that needed no answer. The emperor looked as if he had not eaten and slept properly. The jawline, which was originally sharp, became even sharper. Of course, it certainly didn’t harm the emperor’s beauty at all, but regardless of how handsome the emperor was, Hwawoon was upset. There must be countless people next to the emperor who prioritized the emperor’s health, and the fact that his face was so damaged must mean that taking care of the state affairs was arduous. 

“I don’t even know that…”

Hwawoon continued without waiting for Yihan’s answer. He was overwhelmed with shame. He felt he was so selfish and pathetic for feeling uneasy just because this person, who busily spent his time for the nation until his body grew weak, didn’t come to Jeongan Palace. He felt his whole body was stung because it seemed that he really thought he was the emperor’s concubine as he pretended to be one.

“I… had a lot of thoughts lately.” 

The Emperor’s answer followed. Still holding Hwawoon’s hand, looking at Hwawoon, Yihan slowly opened his mouth and said. 

“It was really complicated in my head. No matter how much I agonized and pondered, I couldn’t find the answer. It felt like I was wandering endlessly in a maze without an exit.” 

“I dare not guess the heavy burden you carry, Your Majesty.” 

“Even now, I still couldn’t find the answer. I don’t even know how much longer I have to think until I can make a decision. So… So, Yeonbin…” 

Yihan, who stopped talking for a while, swallowed his dry saliva. His heart, which had only been rattling, was now beating with a huge sound that he was afraid Hwawoon would hear.

Yihan still had no clue. There was nothing clear about how he should act, what was right, or what he wanted to do about Yeon Hwawoon. At the same time, however, Yihan was afraid that Hwawoon had to feel the same confusion while he himself was trapped in an indefinite uncertainty. He was worried that he might be sad from thinking that the emperor would not visit again as before. While knowing that it was contradicting, Yihan was afraid that Hwawoon would stand alone in front of the pond like now and shed tears. 

Therefore, Yihan. An emperor who had nothing to fear. 

“Please wait even if I’m a little late.” 

In other words, he was asking Hwawoon not to be anxious. Rather than telling him to wait for him endlessly, he was making a plea to let him know that he didn’t hate him even if he didn’t come. 

“I want you to know that it’s not because I don’t want to see you that I don’t come…” 

Even though he couldn’t accept himself worrying about one concubine getting hurt because he didn’t come, Yihan put Hwawoon ahead of all the agony, confusion, and guilt he had to endure. 

At that time, Yihan felt Hwawoon’s small hand holding him a little stronger. At the same time, Hwawoon opened his mouth. 

“I am your person, Your Majesty.” 

I am your person, Your Majesty. I’m not your concubine, I’m not Yeon Hwawoon, but I’m your person. 

Hwawoon was telling that. No one knew that it was Hwawoon’s sincerity to stand as his true self even for a moment in front of the emperor, but Hwawoon wanted to tell his sincerity even only in this way.

“If you say that you will come someday, waiting for you is a blessing to me.” 

Despite the undecided day, Hwawoon was already here. For Hwawoon, the hopeful waiting was rather undeserved. Therefore, Hwawoon spoke in a voice without a hint of hesitation or sadness. 

“I will always be here as your person.” 

I was here as your person, even when you didn’t know me. 

“If you think of me once in a thousand years and look back, I will be right there.” 

So, I will continue to be here as your person. 

No matter how far away the day they would meet again, Hwawoon would happily keep that person’s name in this place.

***

Seocheon stopped walking and turned his head to the pavilion of Jeongan Palace, which was still bright late at night. For some reason, the time when the lights went out in Jeongan Palace was gradually getting late. 

Yeonbin, who looked surprised when he saw him as if he had seen a ghost, came to mind. The attitude that couldn’t be considered a reaction of a concubine who suddenly faced a guard made Seocheon feel uncomfortable as if grains of sand were in a corner of his heart.

It seemed that he was too obsessed with Yeonbin. Even though there was nothing he could do because of lingering feelings that could not be brushed off, even though he had no idea what he wanted to do, he kept being obsessed with Yeonbin and stayed around him, making him wonder if this was a disease that ate himself up.

“Why are you like that? Is there anything wrong?” 

At that time, Jamun, who was on patrol together, noticed Seocheon’s slowing steps and asked. When Seocheon was just about to shake his head and answer that it was nothing, he felt a presence on one side of the courtyard. 

“Who’s there?!” 

Seocheon raised his voice as he moved. The lights in the pavilion were not yet blown off, but it was long after midnight, so it wasn’t a time for the courtiers to wander around in the courtyard outside. A man was standing alone in the dark. 

“Hmm? Aren’t you the new head eunuch at Jeongan Palace?” 

Jamun, who ran with Seocheon, recognized him instantly and asked. Only then did Seocheon realize that the man was the head eunuch who had recently come to Jeongan Palace under the emperor’s order. Seocheon continued to ask. 

“What are you doing here at this late time?” 

“Oh, it hasn’t been long since I came to Jeongan Palace. I’m still unfamiliar with this palace, so I’m working on getting used to it. And well, I have to be next to His Highness during the day…”

Jeongan Palace’s head eunuch, Sojeong, answered casually with an awkward face. Jamun soon nodded, convinced by his reasoning, but Seocheon frowned slightly with a doubtful face. 

“Is there a problem?” 

Sojeong said, glancing up at Seocheon as though he noticed Seocheon’s expression. Seocheon recalled the man he saw a while ago. It was only for a very short moment, but when Seocheon found him, he was standing still and looking at one place. It was unknown whether he stayed there because he immediately turned around when he heard Seocheon’s voice, or as he said, he was looking around and then stood there for a while. Seocheon then shook his head. 

“No. Excuse us, then.” 

“Keep up the good work.” 

When Seocheon relaxed his expression and greeted him, Sojeong greeted back and turned around. Seocheon did not turn right away from the spot but stood where Sojeong was standing a while ago and turned his head toward the direction he was looking at. 

“What’s wrong? Is there really something wrong?” 

Jamun approached and asked, but Seocheon did not answer and only looked at where Sojeong was looking. There was Yeonbin’s pavilion that was still lit. Seocheon, who was guessing where Sojeong’s gaze had been and looking at the pavilion, did not know that Sojeong, who already walked far away, turned his head and stared at him.