CH 125

The emperor’s black eyes deepened as he tried to gauge the reason. Eunuch Oh, who was looking at his figure quietly, opened his mouth in a low voice as if to soothe the emperor. 

“Your Majesty. Normally, the concubines are often pre-educated about serving you before entering the palace.” 

Yihan suddenly made a question face, but Eunuch Oh continued without caring. 

“Originally, His Highness Yeonbin would have received the same education.” 

“What does it matter…” 

“But didn’t His Highness lose all his memories?” 

“Oh…” 

The emperor finally realized what Eunuch Oh was trying to say and let out a short exclamation. Eunuch Oh bowed and finished his words.

“His Highness was probably feeling unfamiliar and confused as if everything was new to him.”

Why is Hwawoon suddenly afraid of me? Was it only me who thought that he was more comfortable with me now? The emperor, who was getting afraid because of such thoughts, calmed down before Eunuch Oh’s words. It was something that Yihan, who lived as a prince and emperor all his life, couldn’t think of. Yihan, who had been silent for a long time, soon spoke to Eunuch Oh.

“Let’s go to Seojeong Palace.” 

No one could guess what that step was for. 

***

Hwawoon sat on the bed with his knees propped up, pulling the blanket around him and biting his lips. His mind was in chaos, and he was thinking that he would rather this was a dream. It was hard to believe that the emperor ordered him to spend the night with him, and he did not want to believe that he had rejected the emperor. It felt like he was chased by two assassins behind while it was a dead end in front.

The emperor thought of himself as Yeon Hwawoon. Even though the emperor said he would treat him as another person, he would only think Yeon Hwawoon lost his memory after a big incident, and he wouldn’t truly think of Yeon Hwawoon as another person. Therefore, Hwawoon could not dare to pretend that he did not know that the emperor would hold a fake person in his arms and give him his grace. Such a thing shouldn’t happen.

He felt sad and buried his face in his lap. He felt tired despite all the happy moments that came to him countless times since he became Yeon Hwawoon. He couldn’t just shamelessly pretend that all of these things were his now, and he also couldn’t tell everyone the whole truth, so Hwawoon was drying up between the vague shamelessness and guilt.

It wasn’t that he didn’t think about revealing everything. For countless nights, Hwawoon had pictured himself kneeling before the emperor and telling him everything that had happened to him. But who would believe his words? He could have concluded that Yeon Hwawoon had completely lost his mind. 

But in fact, those things were all excuses. Hwawoon was already aware of the selfishness that had begun to creep into his heart at some point. He wasn’t afraid the emperor wouldn’t believe him. On the contrary, what he was really afraid of was that the emperor believed all his words. 

So, because he was afraid that he would never see the emperor again, and that he would not be able to see the children of Jeongan Palace forever, which had become his precious family, Hwawoon could not bear to tell everything honestly. He knew it was shameless of him, but it was Hwawoon’s honest feeling. How could he cut off all the precious people he had for the first time in his life with his own hands like this?

How long will this life, which can’t be said as a tragedy, but I can’t be completely happy about, continue? How long should I fight the anxiety of being suddenly discovered and abandoned by the people I cherished? If I just leave everything to the flow of time, will all this guilt and fear someday be diluted and become nothing? Hwawoon, sometimes, was very exhausted by the unpredictable future. 

He wished he had felt no affection at all. It would have been more comfortable if he felt no affection for the emperor, no desire for his body temperature, or anything.

Although he rejected the emperor’s night because he thought it was the right thing to do, Hwawoon imagined his touch. The emperor’s heat in his dream that day was still vivid and kept coming to mind. He couldn’t erase the curiosity of how it would feel to actually touch his lips and receive his touch. 

“Don’t tell me…” 

Then, Hwawoon suddenly felt dizzy. A speculation that he had never dared to have before came into his mind. If I only respect him like I’m looking at the sun in the sky, how could I have this kind of feeling? Why did I have such a ridiculous dream? Once the idea hit him, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

It didn’t happen only on this day. When the emperor stopped walking to Jeongan Palace for a while, he waited for him every day because he was sad and restless. On the night when the emperor held out his hand just to raise him up from kneeling, he kept thinking of the warmth that stayed on his hand and couldn’t sleep. Everything was strange when he thought about it now.

Is this the normal heart of a servant to his master? Do all those who serve the emperor have this kind of mind even if they are not his concubines? Hwawoon, who had never met a master he sincerely served with all his heart in his life, had nothing that could be compared to his feelings now. 

No, I don’t think I’m that clueless. 

When Hwawoon was trying to comfort his surprised heart, 

“May I come in?” 

A low voice was heard by the door. It was the Emperor, Sung Yihan, whom Hwawoon could not dare to meet tonight.

***

There were a lot of confusing emotions that were hard to define, or rather, he didn’t want to define. Yihan stood there, and faced Hwawoon, who was crouching and staring blankly at him. He looked back at the feelings he had endlessly ignored and avoided. 

He wanted to resist all the way if he could. He wanted to pretend he didn’t know and he didn’t notice it. He was afraid of the reality that he had to deny all the past days that he believed were right. He was afraid that if he accepted it, he would follow the path of the previous emperor, the person he never wanted to resemble throughout his life. Thus, he had been wandering off the obvious path. 

But was it useful? Of all the things he’d tried, had any of them worked? Yihan eventually believed Hwawoon, who had changed, and he cherished him, looked for him in desperation, missed him, and treated him with actions he had never shown to anyone before. Such a person repeated several times in his mind, which no one could see, that he felt nothing, that Yeon Hwawoon didn’t mean anything to him. It was no different from a bird that was relieved not to be seen after putting its head in a pile of fallen leaves.

Hwawoon seemed to forget to give his greeting because he was surprised. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were wet, so it looked like he was going to cry right away. He had refused the emperor’s grace, which every concubine would naturally want, and he looked so tired and sad.

In Yeon Hwawoon’s heart, which Yihan couldn’t take a look at because he was in a hurry to run away from his own heart. What was inside of it, inside of Yeon Hwawoon, who made Yihan’s heart drop with his unexpected expression from time to time?

Now, Yihan thought about Yeon Hwawoon, whom he had never really looked at because he was too busy burying his feelings. 

“Gre-greetings, Your Majesty the Emperor.” 

Hwawoon, who had been staring at Yihan with a blank face for a long time, finally came to his senses and came down from his bed to give his greetings. Yihan slowly approached him, held Hwawoon’s shoulders slightly with both hands, and raised him up. Yihan stiffened, feeling Hwawoon’s body tense up in response to his touch. 

It was the same tonight. Drunk on his own desire to reach out to Hwawoon, beyond all the feelings he wanted to deny, Yihan couldn’t even realize that Hwawoon was actually having it harder. If Eunuch Oh hadn’t told him about it, Yihan would have stayed up all night only thinking about himself, who was rejected by Hwawoon. Looking back on what has happened so far, when he was only wandering around, focusing on his emotions only, Yihan said to Hwawoon. 

“I came because I’m worried about you.” 

“Your Majesty…” 

“I didn’t come here to blame you, so you don’t have to be so nervous.”

Yihan carefully led Hwawoon to sit on the bed and then sat by his side. He felt so sad to see the tangled blanket because Hwawoon came out of it in a hurry. Yihan was heartbroken because the crumpled blanket seemed to reflect Hwawoon’s heart when he was shaking with fear alone. Yihan continued. 

“Are you all right?” 

“Oh, I’m… I…” 

Hwawoon stammered several times. He didn’t know how to respond. Although it was Hwawoon who lied to Eunuch Oh to refuse the emperor’s night, it was very difficult to lie in person to Yihan in front of him.

“Woon-ah.” 

At that time, Yihan called him, cutting off Hwawoon as if he were being considerate of him. As if time and space had stopped, Hwawoon stopped talking and looked at the emperor with his mouth open. 

Woon-ah.

That word alone seemed to break down all his heart that he was barely enduring. Whether he knew it or not, the emperor continued.