CH 134

#134 

Yihan carefully pulled Hwawoon, making Hwawoon’s head lie around his shoulder and chest, then he put his hand under the blanket to caress his waist and back. After a trail of soft sensation, the scar on Hwawoon’s shoulder caught on his fingertips. Hwawoon flinched greatly, but Yihan touched Hwawoon’s wound more openly and said.

“It’s still early, so let’s sleep a little longer.”

“…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll chase the nightmare away if it comes to you.”

Still unfamiliar with the sensation of another person touching him, Hwawoon’s breath caught in his throat as the emperor touched the wound, which the emperor had brushed with his lips over and over again all night yesterday. He tensed up as he listened to the emperor.

Nightmare. Could it be called a nightmare? Hwawoon wondered if he could call such a warm and happy dream a nightmare. 

But Hwawoon found the dream painful. He was scared. The reason was that he looked so happy in the dream. Like he had forgotten all the guilt he had had. Like the life of Yeon Hwawoon had really become his. In that dream, he was so relaxed and naturally enjoying everything that was given to him.

Will it really happen? Over time, will I find myself completely accepting of this life, free of all the guilt I have now? That was the source of fear that Hwawoon felt.

“Woon-ah. I must be in love with you.”

The ardent and affectionate confession he heard along with the emperor’s heartbeat in his ear last night came back to mind. The emperor said he loved him. The emperor told the man who came into the palace only once because he wanted to see his face again, that his heart was all his now. 

Hwawoon didn’t know when his heart turned into a romantic feeling. He didn’t know whether he had fallen in love with the emperor at first sight like the people in the inn told each other, or whether his heart, which was just respect, slowly turned into a romantic feeling as they got closer after he became Yeon Hwawoon. Hwawoon simply realized his feelings when the emperor confessed to him.

Aha, my heart, which I thought was only admiration, had become love at some point. I actually have been in love with His Majesty as well.

Like that. 

However, who could guess that he couldn’t be fully happy even though they had the same feelings? Who could imagine that in the corner of his heart, which was overwhelmed with emotions, he felt like being sliced with his guilt? The heart of the one who would be disappointed and angry and unable to forgive him if he found out that all of this was a lie, and his desire to pretend to not know of it and accept that person. Who could understand this pain?

Hwawoon closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the emperor’s slow, even breathing. The emperor once told Hwawoon not to act like a sinner. However, Hwawoon, a sinner who won the emperor’s heart through lies and deceit, was unable to answer him with, ‘I, too, am in love with you, Your Majesty,’ until the long night had passed. 

***

“How is His Majesty these days?”

Early in the morning, when it was still too early for the emperor to wake up, Eunuch Oh visited the Empress Palace under the order of the Empress. Even for the Empress, she had no right to recklessly order the eunuch who served the emperor from the closest place. However, Jaran had been calling Eunuch Oh from time to time to find out if there was something she missed, and it had been permitted by Yihan.

Eunuch Oh answered Jaran’s question with a somewhat awkward face. 

“… This little man has served His Majesty for a long time, but I have never seen him being as happy as he is these days.”

“Haha. The smile never left his face even when he had a luncheon with me last time.”

“Yes, Your Majesty. These days, I often hear the ministers discussing if something good has happened to him.”

“He must be so happy.”

The empress murmured, shaking her head lightly with a content smile. In a way, Eunuch Oh conveyed something that could not be easily brought up in front of the empress without much difficulty, and the empress replied to him without any reluctance. Eunuch Oh knew that this was entirely due to the nature of the current Empress.

The empress went on. 

“His Majesty probably doesn’t want to leave Seojeong Palace for a while. He finally has something so precious for the first time, so would he like to leave Yeonbin alone even for a moment?”

“…”

“Do your best so that he at least has lunch at Sukbi or Jeongbin’s palace. Although I know it won’t be easy.”

There was a hint of playfulness in the Empress’s voice as she said it won’t be easy. Eunuch Oh bowed his head with a soft smile. 

“Yes, Empress. I’ll serve His Majesty with all my heart.”

“Go back now. His Majesty may be looking for you soon.”

“Yes. Then, excuse me, Your Majesty.”

After Eunuch Oh left with his steps silenced, the Empress turned her head and gazed out the window at the now dawning landscape. 

The story of the Emperor who was blinded by love, the Empress who longed only for love, and the woman who took advantage of love ended in tragedy.

Then, what would be the end of the story of the Emperor who had just learned about love, the Empress who was not interested in love, and the man who was suddenly loved?

No one would know the end of the road that has not been taken, but Jaran intended to do her best so that the story never ends in tragedy. For herself, not anyone else.

***

Hwawoon stood still, staring at the wooden sword that had been moved to the wall of the Seojeong Palace. His fingers twitched in reflex, but he couldn’t easily bring himself to grab the wooden sword. Partly because of his unexpected encounter with Seocheon last time, but more fundamentally, he had realized that he could no longer wield the sword as he had before. 

Of course, he could train himself. If he trained systematically and built up his physical strength, he would obviously get better than now. However, he could never be like Hawoon, whose health was incomparable to the current Yeon Hwawoon and who had learned martial arts since he was young. Hwawoon had to admit it now.

He raised his hand and touched the smooth, spotless sword. It had the same shape, but it was nothing like Hawoon’s wooden practice sword, which had lost its original shape and had all kinds of scratches on its surface from countless hours of training. Suddenly, Hwawoon realized that this was just like Yeon Hwawoon and Hawoon.

Yeon Hwawoon could not return to Hawoon. The soul of the original Yeon Hwawoon left his body, and Hawoon’s body no longer belonged to the world. Just as Hwawoon’s sword could not cut the world like the sword that Hawoon held a long time ago, so did Hwawoon. 

So he wondered if he should just accept it now. As it was in his dream, was it all okay for him to keep his past deep in memory and pretend not to know it, or just completely forget it, leaving his body and mind to the emperor’s affectionate gaze and warmth, and stay in this life forever like that? The frustration of not being able to get advice from anyone took root amidst an unbearably happy heart.

If I were really Yeon Hwawoon. If I had been such a person who did not have to lie to His Majesty, I would be so glad and happy to have such an undeserved love. Why was I born with nothing, became nothing, and can’t completely accept the heart of the only person I want even though now I’m by his side?

Hwawoon who lamented—something he had never done before—took his hand off the sword and sighed a little. 

“Your Highness.”

He then heard a voice behind his back. When he turned around, there was So Jeong.

“Yes, So Jeong. What’s going on?”

“Your Highness, are you bored?”

“Huh?”

“You looked bored as you looked at the sword… If you don’t mind, why don’t you take a look at the pond?”

Hwawoon tilted his head slightly, asking back, “Pond?” As he thought about it, he remembered that he had heard that Seojeong Palace also had a garden and a pond with excellent scenery, but after he came here, he was so busy every day that he couldn’t see it properly.

“I have also prepared food for the fish…” 

So Jeong said, carefully taking out the food pouch from his sleeve. A smile finally spread on Hwawoon’s face. So Jeong was somewhat timid, but he was also meticulous and quick-witted. It was obvious that he had been worrying about his mood, which seemed strangely subdued. Feeling touched by that, Hwawoon tried to speak in a light voice.

“Shall we, then? Where is Ahjin?”

“Miss Ahjin went to the clinic to get medicine.”

“Personally?”

“Yes, Your Highness. She said that she has to be the one to see and listen to the explanation about your medicine.”

“Really, Ahjin…” 

Hwawoon felt his heart warm as he heard that she wanted to take care of everything about him personally. Both Ahjin and So Jeong here were originally afraid of Hwawoon, shaking greatly in front of him, but now they were worried about him even if no one asked them to do it. Looking at them, Hwawoon realized that his life, which was stitched with deception, could save someone. 

Then, like a habit, the emperor’s face came to mind again. The emperor. The person who had never thought about what he liked. The emperor who said that he had his favorite color for the first time due to Hwawoon’s question. Hwawoon wondered if he could take comfort in the fact that the emperor was happy because of his lies.

Hwawoon tried to lift his mood, which was going down again, and said,

“Yes. Let’s go see the pond. I hope there are many fish here like in Jeongan Palace.”

“If you want, you can fill the pond with fish, Your Highness.”

A light and friendly conversation continued. Hwawoon moved to the pond, blocking the countless agony with So Jeong’s voice.