CH 144

The notion of a maid resting without her master’s permission sounded outlandish at first, but their master would never force a sick person to work, and since it was her master’s health that mattered most to Ahjin right now, she had no choice but to leave it to So Jeong to ask for his permission. However, of course, this did not make her feel any better, so she added.

“When it comes to dressing up and brushing his hair, get Seoseo to do it instead of me. Do you understand?”

“Miss Ahjin, I will take care of it, so don’t worry and just get well soon!”

So Jeong nudged Ahjin’s back when she began to get restless as though she were going somewhere far away. Ahjin then stared at So Jeong for a moment. When he first arrived at Jeongan Palace, he was overwhelmed with Ahjin’s presence and couldn’t even meet her eyes, but now, he showed a demeanor quite befitting a head eunuch of a palace. Of course, he still had a long way to go in Ahjin’s eyes.

Feeling it would be bad if she stayed and got So Jeong to catch the cold, Ahjin moved away reluctantly. She felt sad that she wouldn’t be able to see her master even though it would only be for a few days.

“How foolish of me to catch a cold in the middle of summer.”

Ahjin’s back looked forlorn as she headed to the clinic alone. Ahjin vowed to herself that she would reflect on this to make sure she never caught a cold again.

***

When the darkness of dawn filled the imperial palace, Hwawoon, unable to sleep, pushed himself out of bed and slowly began to walk. It was a basic footwork of martial arts that had once been as familiar to his previous body as breathing, but was now becoming stranger by the day. Despite not carrying a sword, Hwawoon didn’t need to look at himself in the mirror to know that his movements were unrefined.

Still, he moved, uncaring of that fact. His body was off-center, his breathing was off, and everything was messed up, but he didn’t care. As if trying to remind himself that he was Hawoon, Hwawoon continued to step and step and step, clumsily.

“Sigh….”

Regardless of his desperation, though, it wasn’t long before he had to stop moving. He was running out of breath. His body was quickly exhausted, unable to perform even the most basic of movements properly. It was as if his body was protesting. As if it were arguing that no matter how much he denied it, no matter how hard he tried to remind himself of his martial arts, he would have to live in Yeon Hwawoon’s body forever, and that the day would come when he would get used to it.

As Hwawoon stopped moving and stood still to catch his breath, he suddenly realized that he was slowly getting used to being in such a fragile body.

Maybe that’s the way life is. No matter how painful the loss, the suffering, the sorrow, and the loneliness, they would all be dulled by the vast stream of time that is life. So the guilt that Hwawoon was feeling now would eventually fade into a faint trace.

Hwawoon stopped and looked down at his feet, still not sure about what to do with that thing that might happen someday, or maybe it was already happening right now—whether to welcome it or be wary of it.

“… Your Highness”

Just as he was about to get lost in thought, he heard So Jeong’s voice behind him. Hwawoon quickly smoothed out his expression and turned around. He didn’t want to worry him with a secret he couldn’t tell. Hwawoon pretended to ignore the tingling in his heart and spoke first.

“So Jeong. Why are you still up?”

“I was walking and noticed your presence.”

In response, Hwawoon smiled with a knowing look on his face. He wasn’t walking, he was probably guarding. Since Hwawoon was prone to falling ill at dawn for no apparent reason, Ahjin was always the one to fret in front of his bedroom until late at night. Today, however, she was sick with a cold and had gone in to rest early, so Hwawoon was sure Ahjin had asked So Jeong to do things on her behalf many times.

Hwawoon thought it was rather surprising that Ahjin, who had spent so many days and nights worrying and watching over him, was only now getting sick. As upsetting as it was to catch a cold, he wondered if he should be thankful that it gave Ahjin a chance to get away from him and get some rest.

Of course, it wasn’t entirely convenient to be without Ahjin, who had always moved skillfully as if she were Hwawoon’s limbs. No matter how well Seoseo and So Jeong tried, they couldn’t completely fill Ahjin’s shoes. But what mattered to Hwawoon was not his own discomfort, but that Ahjin, who had always been overworked by him, could finally get some rest. Hwawoon had already told Ahjin to stop trying so hard through So Jeong several times.

Seeing that Hwawoon didn’t say anything, So Jeong spoke up again.

“Speaking of, Your Highness. How is it that you are not sleeping, but are awake?”

“Oh…”

“Are you having trouble sleeping, Your Highness?”

“No, well… I’m just…”

“You seem to have a lot on your mind.”

In fact, So Jeong had seen Hwawoon through the slightly ajar door. Standing in the center of the bedroom late at night, alone and sleepless, Hwawoon’s mind seemed so complicated that So Jeong stood there for a long time, unable to speak. Hwawoon smiled weakly at So Jeong’s question.

“Well, I’m…”

Today the Emperor was not coming, and he told Hwawoon to go to bed early, as he would be dealing with state business until late and would be spending the night in Jungcheon Hall. In his heart, Yihan wanted to come to Seojeong Palace to sleep no matter how late it was, but he refused to disturb the sleep of someone who was unwell. Hwawoon had already heard reports that the Emperor had returned to Jungcheon Hall after having dinner with the Empress.

Just as Hwawoon was thinking futilely of whether So Jeong might be mistaken about his sleeplessness was because the Emperor had not come, So Jeong spoke up.

“Your Highness. Would you like to take a walk by the pond?”

It rained during the day today. The day got dark early, and even without taking that into account, it was too late for a walk. Nevertheless, Hwawoon enjoyed his nighttime walks anyway, and the heat subsided a bit after the rain. Hwawoon loved the fresh air after the rain, so it wouldn’t be a bad time to go for a walk.

He hoped that after a round of walking in the rain-scented garden, his heavy heart would feel better. Hwawoon, who still felt like he couldn’t sleep, nodded his head in agreement.

***

“Your Highness, I don’t think this will do. This person will go and get you a robe as soon as possible.”

So Jeong said with a furrowed brow when he noticed Hwawoon’s shoulders hunch once in the night breeze. Hwawoon thought it would be okay since it was summer even though it was night, but the air was quite cold since it had rained during the day. Normally, he would have said that he was fine and not to bother, but he remembered how he had caused trouble for the Emperor when he suddenly collapsed a few days ago. If he caught a cold again, he would have no face to see the Emperor.

Furthermore, if he were to catch a cold while taking a walk alone, he wouldn’t be able to see Ahjin, who was isolating herself because she refused to let him catch a cold from her.

Hwawoon nodded lightly, and So Jeong sprinted away from the pond. As he was left alone in the pond late at night, he could faintly hear things that he normally wouldn’t have been able to hear, such as the sound of the water and the wind blowing through the grass. He felt like he could breathe again as his hectic mind calmed down.

If only the rest of his life could be this calm and serene. Hwawoon was exhausted by the unending guilt. Just existing in someone else’s body was enough to keep him tormented every day. And now, in that body, he had received the emperor’s heartfelt love. He was so overwhelmingly happy about it, but then he whipped himself again and again. How could anyone’s heart not break in that situation?

Hwawoon slowly closed his eyes and breathed in the cold air; it was cold enough to make him shiver slightly, but he didn’t mind the clean, heat-free air. He tried hard to console his heart of the sadness of being unable to say anything in return to the Emperor who said, “I love you”. 

Just as he was about to open his eyes back, he suddenly sensed someone’s presence and was about to turn his head when an unidentified hand pushed hard on his back.

With no time to scream, Hwawoon’s body fell into the pond.