CH 22

Raen:

When Sun Yihan said he wished to travel to the Western Forest with me, I thought, ‘There must be something he wants to say.’

The young man’s gaze, after turning my way, looked so desperate.

I was still worried about last time’s incident. The red blood that flowed down Sun Yihan’s thin and white arms still was vivid in my mind. When I stemmed the blood flow and took a closer look at his skin, there were already several deep-cut wounds. Though I could see that those cuts had already healed over, the skin was still scarred. The old wounds looked so painful that I found them hard to touch just in case I pained Sun Yihan.

–I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t speak about what just happened

His cautious voice bubbled to the top of my memories. Tears looked as if they were on the precipice of overflowing from his desperate, almost transparent eyes. When I nodded almost automatically, Sun Yihan looked remarkably relieved.

Since that day, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Sun Yihan, though, acted as if nothing had happened. Every time I saw him, however, my heart felt unsettled, as if I were looking at cracked glass.

Still, thankfully, he didn’t seem to be cutting his arms anymore. If Sun Yihan had indulged in such behavior once more, it wouldn’t be right for me to watch his self-destruction alone.

… A pale arm filled with deep wounds and scars… I couldn’t easily judge how long he had endured all of that alone.

Nevertheless, I was proud of Sun Yihan; he took the initiative to speak for the first time, even though he had a nervous expression painted on his face. I wanted to pat his head.

How much pain must he have endured in order to speak about the heavy emotions he had kept locked in his heart for such a long time? I couldn’t even begin to imagine.

Therefore, I realized this person needed a gentler hand–I couldn’t urge him to divulge everything. I had to wait until he told me of his pain on his own accord.

As I walked out of the canteen and into my room, I glanced down at Sun Yihan, who walked quietly by my side. The desire to see him smile brightly suddenly rose up from within me.

Not a smile that hides something–I wanted to see a comfortable smile that brightened the world, like the sun on a clear day.

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After grabbing Sun Yihan’s hand, I chanted my teleportation magic.

The fresh scent of the forest wafting in the air made me feel tranquil. However, Sun Yihan, facing me, clearly looked stiff. Perhaps he was nervous as this was the first time he had left the headquarters–no matter how safe and un-dangerous this place may be, he was bound to feel some anxiety. The first time was always this way.

When I told him not to feel so nervous as he’d be alright, Sun Yihan carefully met my eyes.

My reflection was contained within his blue eyes–the color shone clearly despite the red sunset. Sun Yihan’s tremors gradually decreased. “Yes, Raen Hyung. I’m alright now.” He blinked slowly before responding in a firm voice. A relieved smile formed on his lips.

And, within that smile, I thought I saw determined will–though I couldn’t put to words why I thought that if someone tasked me to explain my observations.

The chilly wind blew again; Sun Yihan’s neat, black hair became slightly disheveled.

As we walked languidly along the forest path, our conversation continued at a leisurely pace. Sun Yihan, still smiling faintly, quietly told his story and explained that he was fine.

…However, those words coupled with the sight of his thin body weighed down on my heart.

–Did you want to give up on life?

Sun Yihan had shaken his head in denial when I asked my question. That same response seemed to be replicated whenever I asked if he was having a difficult time.

And, within those movements, I felt deep resignation.

His experiences belied a worldview based on the conviction that nothing would change even if one complained about their hardships. A despairing conviction that would lead one to, should anything happen, bear the weight of sorrow alone.

‘Still, Yihan… If something’s not alright, you should tell me.’

My mouth fumbled around those words when suddenly Sun Yihan called out to me in a trembling voice.

His white cheeks were flushed red–though perhaps that was influenced by the red of the sunset, and a troubled smile lingered on his lips. I wanted to cover his flaming cheeks with my hands.

Sun Yihan hesitated before continuing to speak, “I think Raen-Hyung is misunderstanding something.” His words were hesitant–clearly, he hadn’t organized his thoughts properly. Still, I could puzzle out the crux of his argument.

‘He scarred himself as he saw the injuries as something necessary.’

He had wanted to see the future and had no other ulterior motives. As Sun Yihan continued to spout more excuses, I gazed over him. This development…wasn’t good.

The reason wasn’t important at all. Sun Yihan, ironically, seemed to be misunderstanding something.

There was no good reason to resign yourself to self-harm; disregarding the motive, I was worried about Sun Yihan who would do something so drastic in the first place.

‘Where should I start?’

I couldn’t even begin to judge where I should begin this conversation. Directly rebutting his statement would be of no help; perhaps Sun Yihan wouldn’t talk to me about his troubles next time if I took that approach.

I opened my mouth, heart heavy. I think I could understand a bit of what he must have been thinking. Nevertheless, I would never want him to hurt himself.

Even as I spoke–even as I tried to tell Sun Yihan I understood his position–my mouth tasted bitter. The fact that I had to divulge my feelings in such a circulatory manner made my heart feel heavy. What kind of life had Sun Yihan lived thus far?

I gently stroked back the young man’s hair; his soft locks tangled in my fingers.

I still had little idea what Sun Yihan–who looked calm as usual–was thinking. Did he understand me well? Or was he merely nodding thoughtlessly? I knew it wasn’t easy to induce a paradigm shift in a firm mind. Still, I wished Sun Yihan would begin to cherish himself more.

And, I’ll wait patiently by his side for that change.

Until Sun Yihan realizes, one day, that he is also precious. Until he ceases to hurt himself.

‘I’ll wait for you, Yihan.’

I’ll tell him to cherish himself time and time again, so Sun Yihan needed only to accept my words slowly. To fully accept that he’s not alright.

And, afterwards, I’m sure his emotional and mental health will be in a better state. After all, one must know where the injury lies and the identity of the injury in order to cure it. Once he acknowledges the scars upon his heart, Sun Yihan can begin to heal.

I gripped the hem of his white sleeves a little forcefully. Sun Yihan seemed lost in thought, staring vacantly into the distance.

His expression seemed a little strange. Perhaps he actually couldn’t understand the meaning behind my words.

That was fine–slowly meandering, stumbling, through emotional self-reflection was part of the process.

The wind blew gently around us. Before long, the burning red sun sank into the near horizon; the red rays poured down around us. The forest’s fresh scent permeated the air, comforting my heart.

‘Maybe Sun Yihan will also find comfort in this forest atmosphere?’ I took a step forward, continuing to travel along the path.

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We stopped walking.

I felt a strange energy thrumming about; this felt similar to what I would feel when a ‘crack’ was about to open. However, I was sure the detection magic I placed in the area detected no signs of demonic beasts.

I had to check. I told Sun Yihan to wait for a while before moving forward, but the young ex-priest followed behind me. I’m sure he thought he was being quiet and sneaky, but there was no way I wouldn’t notice. “There may be something dangerous. Wait here for one moment.”

Whether he noticed my worries, Sun Yihan stubbornly wouldn’t give up, asking to come with me.

Min Joo-hyuk had once passingly said, ‘I can’t beat Sun Yihan’s stubbornness.’ At that time, I couldn’t understand what he meant by ‘stubborn.’ After all, Sun Yihan looked so soft and malleable…

Now I could clearly see his point–this exact situation is what the younger Warrior was talking about.

Still, there was no way I could bring Sun Yihan with me. As soon as I firmly rejected him, his lips closed in a tight line before he bowed his head.

“Uh… Yihan?” I asked tentatively.

Is he crying? I gently stroked his shoulders. His slender frame trembled, as if he were sobbing. Sun Yihan fiddled with his own sleeves before, head still lowered, he spoke, “Raen Hyung… Actually… I’m scared of being alone.”

Tearfully, he continued to insist that he wanted to go with me; the young man looked somewhat desperate. The tips of his ears turned bright red.

That was unfair–there was no way I could leave after hearing that.

…No–wait. It’s not as if I tried to abandon him completely. I was merely going to confirm the oddity and come back afterwards. Still, when Sun Yihan said he was scared to be alone, it was hard to argue further. “We can go together, so don’t be upset.”

After hearing my words, Sun Yihan looked up slowly. His eyes were a little red at the corners, but it didn’t seem like he had cried. What a relief.

I patted him on the shoulder, and we continued to walk.

Before long, we faced down an open crack in the air; cold sweat flooded my back.  A rush of magic swirled around my hands before surrounding the crack–this was merely a stopgap. These cracks could only be closed by hunting down and terminating the demons that had escaped through the opening.

Therefore, I had to hurry and find the demonic beast in order to cleanly deal with the situation. As of now, only the Chosen Hero, our Leader, could deal with the demonic beasts.

However, there were no traces of demonic energy around us.

“Yihan. Go back first.”

For now, Sun Yihan must be sent back to our base; the situation had turned serious.

The discovery of one crack meant that there were definitely others in the area, and I had to temporarily block all of them.

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However, Sun Yihan insisted, with a firm expression, that he would accompany me. Furthermore, his words mirrored my own thoughts: the situation might change at any time. Certainty did not exist in this world. Therefore, I couldn’t rashly assert my own opinions.

Sun Yihan’s casual voice cut through my thoughts, “Let’s go together, Hyung. It’ll be alright.” The young ex-priest began to move forward. I gazed at Sun Yihan’s back as he walked into the red-hot sunset. Somehow, it felt as if his thin frame would melt and disappear into the hazy horizon at any moment.

I rushed by his side. His white clothes fluttered lightly in the wind, slightly tinted by the red evening light.

A sudden desire to hold onto the tip of his sleeves welled up within me. I clenched my fists.

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There were way more than one or two open cracks.

I had told the nervous-looking Sun Yihan to return several times; each time, though, he shook his head.

That was understandable, though. Whereas I understood the principles behind the ‘Return Stone’s’ mechanisms, Yihan didn’t; he probably found it hard to trust that this stone worked separately from one’s mana.

Therefore, I had to maintain my vigilance. Even if something dangerous were to happen, I had to make sure Sun Yihan wouldn’t get hurt. My anxiety made my fingertips ice-cold; all my senses were eerily honed.

‘….Wait a minute–What’s this?’ At that moment, goosebumps traveled down my spine.

I felt a foreign presence behind us.

“Yihan!”

A thick, black branch was heading straight for Sun Yihan’s back.