CH 51

I'm scared of taking responsibility.

Translated by Dawn

I’m scared of taking responsibility.

“…………”

“…………”

After a moment of silence, with a look of incomprehension, Shuji asked.

“What do you mean by ‘being a bother’?”

Taking a sigh internally, I began to speak.

“…Let’s assume that the letter was indeed written by Mizutani under her mother’s coercion. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that Mizutani wrote it. It’s possible that in the end, Mizutani agreed with her mother’s opinion. If that’s the case, if I were to protest now, I would only cause inconvenience to Mizutani.”

“That’s…”

Surprised by my unexpected response, Shuji widened his eyes for a moment.

He quickly regained his composure and continued.

“But it’s her own parent, you know? In terms of tuition fees and various aspects… um…”

“You mean ‘dependency’?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Because she is dependent on her mother, there are limits to how much you can go in resisting.”

“So, even if Mizutani wrote it, it doesn’t mean she agreed with it… is that what you’re saying?”

“Yeah, exactly. What. Got a problem with that?”

Shuji had a dissatisfied expression on his face.

It was a face that firmly believed his actions and thoughts were the best solutions in this situation.

I understand.

Shuji’s perspective was undoubtedly correct.

I understand that. But…

“Maybe I’m more of a coward than I thought.”

“…What’s gotten into you all of a sudden?”

It slipped out unintentionally, like a muttered soliloquy.

Shuji, who didn’t miss it, looked at me with a puzzled expression.

Well, someone like Shuji wouldn’t even consider such thoughts.

I envied his way of thinking right now. Not ironically, but sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

“I’m scared.”

“…Scared?”

“I’m scared of taking responsibility.”

“…Responsibility for what?”

“For Mizutani’s future.”

“Future… Isn’t that an exaggeration? You just going to talk to her mother and ask her not to interfere with your meetings with Mizutani.”

If we only looked at the present situation, Shuji’s words might be right.

But in my mind, it was not just about that.

“I… I don’t really understand whether the piano is good or bad.”

“…What’s with the sudden topic?”

Ignoring Shuji’s puzzled expression, I recalled a past event.

It was when I first met Mizutani’s mother at the piano recital.

“Mizutani’s mother said, ‘It was a terrible performance.'”

“Huh?”

“About Mizutani’s piano performance. And she specifically mentioned that it has been particularly bad recently. If that’s true… If I consider Mizutani’s future, maybe it’s better if I’m not around.”

“…………”

“I don’t think Mizutani’s mother is right, but… I feel like I understand to some extent that in order to become a professional in something, you have to sacrifice other things.”

“…………”

“Above all, I… I’m scared of taking responsibility. I’m a coward.”

“…………”

The conversation with Mizutani from a few days ago came back to my mind.

“It sounds bad when you put it that way as if I’m having a negative influence on Mizutani.”

“…Now that you mention it, maybe that’s true. Perhaps my mother’s judgment wasn’t entirely wrong.”

Back then, both Mizutani and I were just joking with each other.

But now, it didn’t seem like a mere joke anymore.

It might be my own self-consciousness, but…

If by any chance, I had even the slightest influence on Mizutani and it disrupted her future…

Could I make up for that?

I didn’t have the confidence or awareness to claim that I could.

At that moment, there was a sound of something being struck.

Immediately, pain surged through my head, and I realized that Shuji had hit me on the head.

“What the hell, man—”

“Akito, you’re overthinking things. It’s a bad habit of yours, that’s all.”

“…Even if you say that. This is just the way I am.”

Due to the unexpected pain, my tone unintentionally became sulky.

In response, Shuji burst into laughter. I had no clue what was so funny.

“I know. After all, I’ve been your friend for over a year now.”

“…”

He could say such lines without any trace of embarrassment.

It was like he had the qualities of a protagonist or something.

Or maybe it was me who was crazy for being embarrassed?

Ignoring my agitation, Shuji continued.

“I think one of Aktoi’s strengths, without a doubt, is being considerate of various perspectives based on the situation. It’s something I could never do. But… with Akito, I feel like there’s an important aspect missing.”

“…An important aspect?”

“Yeah. What do you think it is?”

“…If you already know, there’s no point in me guessing.”

“Well, that’s true. Alright, let me reveal it quickly… Akito, you only talk about things concerning others.”

“…Huh?”

This time, it was my turn to be dumbfounded.

Only talk about things concerning others… No, wait, that couldn’t be right.

Feeling the responsibility and being scared, even considering my own situation—

“I understand what Akito wants to say. The feeling of being scared is definitely something that belongs to Akito. But you know, I think that feeling arises when you think about Mizutani’s future, right? In the end, I feel like Akito’s own perspective, what Akito wants, is completely missing.”

Shuji said as if he could read my mind.

“What is it that I want for myself…”

“Yeah. For example, let’s say… Do you even want to continue seeing Mizutani in the future?”

“Well, if I can see her, of course, I want to—”

“Then just do that.”

“…No, that’s why I can’t do that, that’s why I’m—”

“Let me ask you the other way around, why can’t you do it? Is it because of Mizutani’s future or because Mizutani’s mother is getting in the way?”

“Well…”

When asked again by Shuji, I started to feel unsure.

Was I overthinking and Shuji was right?

Or was Shuji simply thinking too simplistically about things?

“Well, in the end, you should do what you want. When in doubt, I think it’s better to prioritize your own ego. At least, that’s what I would do. That way, even if you fail, you’ll have fewer regrets.”

“…Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind.”

After a brief pause, I replied.

After staring at my face for a moment, Shuji suddenly broke into a grin.

“Yeah, do that for me.”

***

After playing games with me in my room for a while, Shuji left.

During the game, Shuji didn’t mention anything about Mizutani at all.

That ability to switch topics so easily was also one of his good points, I think.

After Shuji left, Mai came back from club activities, almost the same time Shuji left.

Later, Mom came home as well, and we had our usual evening together.

They have no idea about my nocturnal activities these past few days.

So, with a mysterious sense of relief from their usual words and actions, I got into bed before the day crossed over.

But I couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was because my body had gotten used to my recent sleep schedule or because Shuji’s words were lingering in my mind. Lost in my thoughts, I realized that the morning sun was streaming in through a gap in the curtains.

Since it was already morning, I decided to embrace it and not go back to sleep.

I made a cup of coffee in a mug in the living room, then returned to my room, holding the cup. I opened the curtains wide.

While savoring the morning sun and drinking my coffee, the scene might appear elegant, but inwardly, there was nothing elegant about it.

After all, it was summer now.

Even though it was the morning sun, the sunlight was intense, and it was anything but peaceful…

…Wait a minute. Did I just say something really important?

What is it? What’s bothering me?

Is it the letter? Is it still about the letter?

I hastily retrieved the letter that I had kept in the desk drawer and read its contents once again.

To Aizawa,

I am writing this letter now, enveloped in the peaceful sunlight of the room.

Perhaps due to shoulder stiffness, my shoulders are a bit sore. Surprisingly, playing the piano for a long time can strain your shoulders. How about you, Aizawa? Is your health fine?

Well, let’s put aside that talk for now. I was surprised by the sudden letter too.

It’s no good to meet in person. That’s why I chose this form for now.

It’s a difficult situation, but please forgive me.

There are many things I want to write, but I’ll keep it brief.

I would be happy if you could read it with a calm mindset. From here on, I will write important things.

Firstly, I have been deceiving you, Aizawa. I may have led you to misunderstand, but I don’t have any feelings for you, Aizawa. I simply couldn’t bear the burden of my guilty conscience any longer, so I decided to confess through this letter.

…I truly apologize.

Also, from now on, I have an important period with piano and other things.

So, let’s refrain from seeing each other.

I know I’m saying selfish things.

I am truly sorry, Aizawa.

But please forgive me. I had no other choice.

……One last thing.

I mentioned that I was deceiving you, but the summer festival was actually quite enjoyable.

Aizawa, who has read this far, may not believe me, but this is the truth.

Thank you for everything until now.

From Mizutani Karin.

……I see.

When I thought about it again, it was strange to mention serene sunlight in the summer.

That was probably where the initial sense of discomfort came from when I first saw this letter.

I was too focused on what would come next and overlooked it… I should have been more attentive.

But then, why was there a need for the phrase “serene sunlight”?

Why went out of her way to use the word “serene”?

There must be a reason why it needed to be “serene.”

—I see.

This was a vertical reading. And not just connecting the beginning of the sentences, but connecting the beginnings of the paragraphs. Including the “a” in “To Aizawa,” changing “kata” to “ken,” and reading it all together…

“Ano ken mada tsukaemasu.” (That ticket can still be used.)

I took the wallet placed by the desk and retrieved the special ticket that I had kept with the bills.

It was the “one-time request anything” ticket that I’d kept in my wallet like a coupon…

Before I realized it, my legs start moving on their own.

I quickly changed clothes, grab my keys, wallet, and smartphone, and leave the room.

“Oh, good morni– Wait, huh?”

Mai, wearing her school uniform, was at the entrance. Perhaps she had club activities today.

While changing shoes, she looked at me and her eyes widen in surprise.

“Sorry, I don’t have time to talk right now.”

Leaving Mai behind like that, I left the house.

My destination was—the Mizutani’s house.

Dawn's notes:

Hmm, I feel like I need to explain things a little bit about the letter.

So, here's the thing, since Mizutani wrote the letter in vertical reading, Akito thought about what if he read it horizontally. And since if you read the letter which wrote for vertical reading horizontally, Akito read the first word of every paragraph. Which in the end it'll be this:

"Ano ken mada tsukaemasu."

For context purposes, I will leave the raws here (with the romanization of it)

相澤へ (Aizawa e)

のどかな日差しに包まれた部屋の中、私は今この手紙を書いています。 (Nodokana hizashi ni tsutsuma reta heya no naka, watashi wa ima kono tegami o kaite imasu.)

肩こりのせいか、肩がちょっと痛いです。ピアノって、長時間弾くと意外と肩こるんだよね。相澤はどうですか？　体調とか、問題なさそう？(Katakori no sei ka, kata ga chotto itaidesu. Piano tte, chōjikan hajiku to igaito kata koru nda yo ne. Aizawa wa dōdesu ka? Taichō toka, mondaina-sa-sō?) For this part the first word change from "Kata" to "Ken"

まあ、そんな話は置いておくとして。急に手紙とか、びっくりしたよね。 (Mā, son'na hanashi wa oiteoku to shite. Kyū ni tegami toka, bikkuri shita yo ne.)

駄目なんだ、直接会うのは。それで今回はこういう形にしました。 (Damena nda, chokusetsu au no wa. Sorede konkai wa kōiu katachi ni shimashita.)

辛い状況だけど、許してください。 (Tsurai jōkyōdakedo, yurushitekudasai.)

書きたいことは色々あるけど、なるべく手短に書きます。 (Kakitai koto wa iroiro arukedo, narubeku temijika ni kakimasu.)

襟を正して読んでもらえると嬉しいです。ここからは大事なことを書くので。 (Eri o tadashite yonde moraeruto ureshīdesu. Koko kara wa daijina koto o kaku node.)

まずはじめに、私は今まで相澤を騙してました。相澤には勘違いさせてしまったかもしれませんが、私は相澤を何とも思っていません。ただ、流石に良心の呵責に耐えきれなくなってきたので、こうして手紙という形で告白しました。 (Mazu hajimeni, watashi wa imamade Aizawa o damashitemashita. Aizawa ni wa kanchigai sa sete shimatta kamo shiremasenga, watashi wa Aizawa o nantomo omotte imasen. Tada, sasuga ni ryōshin no kashaku ni tae kirenaku natte kitanode, kōshite tegami to iu katachi de kokuhaku shimashita.)

……すまないとは本当に思っています。 (……Sumanai to wa hontōni omotte imasu.)