Chapter 160

Chapter 160

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Jian Jing gently took a breath, hurriedly drank a mouthful of ice beer, suppressed the excitement in her heart, and slowly began to read the text above—

This is the last time I’m writing a medical record diary. Tomorrow morning, I will undergo the final treatment to completely seal those memories. In fact, I can hardly remember what happened, but the professor said hypnosis just hid the memories which could be triggered by some inducements and come back to the surface at any time.

To defeat those memories, one needs a weapon.

He believed the fact that I saved a child was most suitable to deal with him. Because I saved a life, nothing is greater than this and more powerful to confront him.

Well, just like he expected.

But he was right. Few things made me so happy that could be comparable, probably only when I got my first published book.

But the weight of a book is in no way comparable to the weight of a life.

The professor said that when we save others, we are also saved by them. I understand a little now. Did I rescue that kid? Perhaps.

Anyway now, it is the act of saving others that is saving me.

It sounds a bit tongue-twisting, but that's what it means. He hoped I would never forget this feeling.

It's very difficult to kill yourself, but very simple to kill others.

It's very difficult to save others, and it's the same for saving yourself.

No matter how he brags about death, life is always more difficult than death.

So he is a coward, and I am a hero.

Then the question is, who is he?

I closed my eyes and could only see a heavy dark cloud. Who is he? —

Jian Jing let out a breath. In just a few lines, she was already sweating with tension.

This was a diary written by "me", not only recording the treatment process, but also memories about "him".

She did find the key.

At the same time, the purpose of the password also had a reasonable explanation.

—When we save others, our souls are also saved.

It turned out to be like this.

It should be like this.

Jian Jing thought for a while and decided to still read in reverse chronological order, rather than directly view the earliest entry.

She had to get close to him slowly—

Had a nightmare again.

In the dream I could no longer see his face clearly. The professor said this was the part I forgot first, meaning his appearance was nothing worth remembering to me.

That makes sense. What I remember most clearly is his voice, popping up suddenly when I'm not paying attention. The professor said I would occasionally say some strange things - things he had said - but I was not aware at all.

The professor suggested that I write them down, and then refute them one by one. He said I was hypnotized, those were not my true thoughts, so I must learn to distinguish.

PS: Anyway I have nothing to do in the hospital. All the books they give me to read are in English, French or Swedish. The Chinese novel is called Fox Spirit on the Snowy Mountain.

Are they kidding me?

Oh, I think I just remembered something.

—Being alive means endless pain and endless tears.

Why would I have such thoughts?

How should I refute this?

My head hurts. I want to eat ice cream. That's right, ice cream is great, cakes and fried chicken are also great. If I hadn't been born, I wouldn't be able to eat these things.

And, and there are many more happy things.

But this was the most valuable part.

The ravings instilled in "my" mind, and "my" constant struggle against them.

Jian Jing had reason to believe such dialogues had been staged countless times during the missing period—

Why? My dad and mom, why did you kill them? You bastard!

—My dear, quiet down, you shouldn't be angry with me for this.

You killed them.

—You think your parents loved you very much, no no, they loved themselves, not you. What is there to love about you? As a baby you were just a little thing that couldn't do anything. Why did they spend money raising you?

Liar, cheater!

This isn't out of fondness, to be honest, this is an investment. Do you understand the meaning of this word? Just like making money, the money and effort they spend on you today will need to be recovered. When they grow old, you will have to feed them and help them urinate just like they raised you up, this is the essence of your birth.

Who believes your bullshit?

- Happiness, family, love, they're all lies to trick you. Without tricking you, how would you willingly repay them? My dear, life has been full of sin since birth. You think you came into this world to enjoy life? How naive!

Oh, you seem to have calmed down. Let's have a nice talk.

I saved you, my dear. I saved you from a scam.

You killed someone.

Death, yes, let's talk about death.

We have nothing to talk about -

Jian Jing took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were already bloodshot from staying up all night.

There were a few beer cans in the trash, but neither her biological clock nor the alcohol could make her fall asleep.

A diary can only be written after sorting and organizing, so the information revealed is relatively complete. This is of course very helpful for solving the case, but it's probably not even a tenth of the torment "Jian Jing" suffered.

Just thinking about how much she had suffered made Jian Jing's chest feel tight.

When "Jian Jing" experienced this, she was only fourteen years old.

At the same point in time, the biggest conflict in her and her family was the incompatibility between her hobbies and studies, and the biggest annoyance was her test scores falling out of the top ten in the class. The most angry she ever got was when her parents disagreed to let her go on a long distance trip with her classmates.

Two worlds, they really are two different worlds.

This even made Jian Jing feel a nameless guilt, inexplicably blaming herself.

What kind of days did "she" live? And what kind of days did I live? I merely got lucky and lived in a stable world.

This sense of guilt was like a pair of twins, adopted separately by a poor family and a wealthy family. She was the wealthy one, living a comfortable life with a happy childhood, and this was not because of anything else, just good luck.

She felt ashamed, guilty, uneasy, even somewhat embarrassed.

And this evoked another kind of shame, the shame of occupying her body. The real me had died, yet I managed to be reborn in another version of me.

I stole "her" wealth, status, fame and even feelings.

We are the same person, can I really feel at ease enjoying all of this?

The negative emotions rushed in like a tide, drowning her.

Jian Jing's rationality clearly told her: this has nothing to do with you, your emotions are just affected because you absorbed some negative energy.

But...she couldn't do it.

Humans are inherently emotional creatures, often empathizing with others, let alone when this person is actually herself.

Such a suffocating experience, such painful ordeals.

Unexpectedly, Jian Jing was reminded of The Hiding Child.

As "Jian Jing's" second work, The Hiding Child did not have the imaginative feel of a children's fairy tale like White Cat. Its attitude towards death and murder was calm to the point of indifference.

She had thought this was just the peculiar mentality of a teenager, but looking back now, it was extremely frightening upon closer examination.

She had sealed away her memories, but what about her emotions?

Perhaps, beneath the calm surface, terrifying undercurrents had always been churning. The waves slowly eroded the shore until they swallowed her up without a sound.

Public opinion was just the last straw.

Jian Jing closed her eyes and held back her tears.