CH 13

It was a slightly cloudy day, with a small cluster of dark clouds slowly drifting overhill. Xie Yilu walked as he looked all around anxiously, afraid that Liao Jixiang wouldn’t come. Following the narrow path they had trod on last time, next to the vibrant bushes, Xie Yilu found him. Liao Jixiang was wearing a plain white robe, sitting quietly on the sandy ground and playing with some pebbles beside his hands.

Upon noticing Xie Yilu, Liao Jixiang lowered his eyes and withdrew his hand from the stones, then he paused for a while before his next movement. It took him considerable effort to struggle and stand up, and Xie Yilu didn’t help him, for fear of disturbing his self-esteem, fragile as shattered pottery. Liao Jixiang’s legs were really uncooperative, as he staggered quite a few times while trying to get up. Struggling in front of Xie Yilu made his face and neck turn glistening red.

Xie Yilu observed his embarrassment, and guessed that Liao Jixiang must have been genuinely exhausted, so he had no choice but to sit down. He walked up to Liao Jixiang, circled around to get behind him, wanting to help him brush off the sandy soil from his robe. Yet Liao Jixiang was just like a timid little creature, cautiously following Xie Yilu as he walked, turning whenever Xie Yilu turned.

“Your robe is covered in sand,” Xie Yilu explained.

Liao Jixiang randomly dusted his lower body. “Done,” he said coldly, as if he didn’t care much about his appearance. “Let’s go.”

It was still the same old creek as last time, but the scenery looked slightly different due to the overcast sky. The foliage appeared greener, and the wind felt fresher. From the back, Liao Jixiang looked somewhat ethereal and otherworldly. His figure seemed to be afloat in the wind, like a rustling pine branch, or a graceful white crane.

There was an awkward silence between them – neither of them knew what to say with the unpleasant atmosphere from their last parting still lingering. Suddenly, Xie Yilu spotted the same sour fruits growing by the roadside that they tasted last time, which were red and in the size of a fingernail. He immediately picked a branch, broke it off the tree and handed it over to Liao Jixiang, like a child eager to please an adult.

Liao Jixiang stopped and turned his head slightly, with a branch of fruit hanging just above his shoulder. The strikingly-red fruits provided a large contrast with his face, making it appear as white as freshly landed snow. He glanced a bit nervously at Xie Yilu, then reached out to take the branch from him.

Xie Yilu was very happy, and while he was happy, he blurted out, “I thought you weren’t coming.”

Liao Jixiang didn’t respond. Feeling awkward, Xie Yilu asked again, “Last time you mentioned that sometimes two people would come together. That other person… is it Mei Azha?”

Liao Jixiang immediately turned around and gazed at him guardedly, but Xie Yilu looked straight into his eyes and said frankly, “You’re very close with him, aren’t you?” He inquired softly, “He’s also close with Zheng Xian… do you know?”

He has gone too far. Liao Jixiang thought to himself. But he could tell the worry from his words and his tone.

“They call each other brothers,” Xie Yilu continued nagging, “and dine at the same table.”

“How do you know?” Liao Jixiang asked.

Xie Yilu was caught off guard. He didn’t want Liao Jixiang to know that he had attended Zheng Xian’s banquet, afraid that Liao Jixiang would think he was close to that person. Liao Jixiang took one step closer. “Did you hear that somewhere? Or did you see for yourself?”

Xie Yilu lowered his head and refused to speak.

Liao Jixiang took another step closer. He smelled strongly of milk fragrance today, which almost overwhelmed the scent of sandalwood he wore. “Whatever he does, it’s for me,” Liao Jixiang said.

Do you really trust him so? In that instant, Xie Yilu felt as if the tip of his heart had been pinched violently. He remained in stubborn silence, feeling like his words out of goodwill was taken as foolishness1, which was actually fine by him. However, what mattered more was that Liao Jixiang’s words made him look like a troublemaker, trying to sow discord between him and Mei Azha.

Presently, Liao Jixiang’s hand reached over, fair as snow, and very tenderly brushed over his shoulder. Xie Yilu’s eyes eagerly followed the hand to his shoulder, and found a small wet patch on his clothing.

He looked up. The sky was still overcast, but it had not yet rained.

“There was indeed no rain fallen on the mountain path, yet the verdant green in the misty view moistened thy clothes2.” Liao Jixiang recited with a faint smile on his face.

Xie Yilu felt that Liao Jixiang was trying to comfort him, like how an adult comforts a child, but his heart couldn’t help but tremble with joy. He foolishly looked at Liao Jixiang, his gaze falling onto his eyes, mouth, and almost translucent earlobes. To him, Liao Jixiang was young and pure, yet he also appeared disenchanted by the world. Could he be thirty years old? At most thirty years old. Ten years of weathering in Gansu had wasted away most of his youthful days.

Feeling uncomfortable from Xie Yilu’s gaze, Liao Jixiang turned his face away and wanted to continue walking.

“Yangchun3,” Xie Yilu called him, pointing to the opposite bank of the stream. “Have you been over there?”

The wind blew up his wide sleeves. Following the rising white fabric of sleeves in the wind, Liao Jixiang saw the bamboo forest on the opposite side of the creek, and the rooftops of the temple peaking at them from among the trees. He shook his head. “There’s no bridge.”

“There are stones,” Xie Yilu was referring to the string of large white stones that Liao Jixiang didn’t let him step on last time. “We can step on them to cross.”

Liao Jixiang’s face immediately turned pale. It took him a while to finally admit. “I… can’t get across.”

“For one person, that might be true.” Xie Yilu briefly looked over Liao Jixiang’s frail left leg without unsettling his feelings. “But we are two.”

Liao Jixiang was stunned, as if this was the very first time that he had ever heard such words. He was hesitating. So Xie Yilu simply took his sleeve in his hands and led him to the bank. Why didn’t Xie Yilu hold his hand instead of his sleeve, it wasn’t like Liao Jixiang was a young girl, unbetrothed? Xie Yilu couldn’t explain it. Perhaps to him, Liao Jixiang was neither a man nor a woman.

The creek was slightly deeper than three days ago, and probably due to the cloudy weather, it looked turbulent. Xie Yilu waded through the shallower waters and jumped onto one of the stones. The stones formed a continuous line, so it wasn’t too difficult to cross. Within a few steps, Xie Yilu arrived at the centre of the stream, only to look back and find Liao Jixiang still remaining on the first big white stone, hesitating and caught between the dilemma of advancing or retreating.

He wanted to follow Xie Yilu, but he simply couldn’t keep up. Xie Yilu noticed his expression, a mixture of helplessness, confusion, embarrassment, and annoyance – he had left Liao Jixiang in an impossible situation. Immediately, Xie Yilu went back to his side, and heard Liao Jixiang, whose head lowered and muttering with irritation, “Nevermind abou….”

“Forgive my impudence.” Xie Yilu bent his knee, one of his hands lifting Liao Jixiang’s hip, and the other supporting his waist. Very suddenly and swiftly, he lifted Liao Jixiang with a jolt.

Liao Jixiang let out a scream of surprise, a genuine scream – he had never expected Xie Yilu to do this. It was a downright offence from an inferior person to his superior4. He was held up so high in the air that he had to grab Xie Yilu’s shoulders tightly. Like a swaying willow branch, over half of his body was closely pressed against Xie Yilu’s, as if he was hugging Xie Yilu’s head and neck in his arms.

Holding Liao Jixiang was equally challenging for Xie Yilu. After all, he was carrying an adult, so his legs were not as agile. Afraid of shaking Liao Jixiang in his arms, he crossed the creek very slowly this time, which gradually drained his strength. Liao Jixiang was getting heavier and heavier, slipping from his hands inch by inch.

Xie Yilu lifted him up again like he was holding a baby, gasping and saying, “Put your arms around me.”

Liao Jixiang looked at him awkwardly, and didn’t move. It was already late spring, so they were both dressed in thin layers of clothing. Liao Jixiang’s slim waist, hips, and ribs were rubbing against Xie Yilu’s sweaty palms through the thin fabrics. He was slipping even more, bringing them two almost face to face. Presently, Xie Yilu was too focused on his footing. They were reaching the other side in just one or two more stones, when Xie Yilu abruptly tilted his head and unexpectedly saw Liao Jixiang’s face – it was so, so close, frowning with fluttering eyelashes. Xie Yilu was struck by the beauty, lost his balance and misstepped into the water.

This time, Liao Jixiang did as he was told and hugged Xie Yilu tightly. Yet Xie Yilu didn’t allow it. Instead, he insisted on holding Liao Jixiang straight up, refusing to let the water wet Liao Jixiang for even a little bit, although half of his own body was already drenched in the water.

Even so, Liao Jixiang’s feet were soaked. His body hung on Xie Yilu’s, and wiped his face with the back of his hand, which was covered by water droplets. “Why was I so foolish,” he complained, “to follow you and do something so stupid and and absurd!”

Xie Yilu felt ridiculous too, so he, being miserably drenched, carried Liao Jixiang carefully over and placed him safely on the bank. Seeing that he was able to stand still, Xie Yilu finally let go of his wet hug. The two of them stood there for a while, facing each other speechlessly, then suddenly burst into laughter together.

“What about now?” Liao Jixiang asked.

“It’s okay, only your shoes are wet.” Xie Yilu replied.

Liao Jixiang had a shy expression on his face. “I meant you.”

“Oh.” Xie Yilu was finally looking down at himself. His clothing was completely soaked from the knee level, and having the long robe wrapped around his leg was extremely uncomfortable. As he raised his eyes, he saw the sun breaking through the clouds and had an idea, “Take them off and let them dry!”

Liao Jixiang immediately checked their surroundings. “Nonsense!”

But Xie Yilu had already taken off his shoes, “It’s alright, we’re both men.”

Liao Jixiang watched as he removed his socks and rolled up his pants. As he untied his outer robe, he also placed his shoes and socks on the big rock to dry. Liao Jixiang stood still, panicking, twisting his fingers in anxiety.

“Take off your shoes.” Xie Yilu approached him in his loose undergarment5, with a sincere and silly grin on his face. “It’ll be so comfortable.”

Liao Jixiang was very reluctant. After pondering on it for a while, he took the effort to sit down on the ground, similar to how he struggled to stand up. Then he revealed his feet, which were in satin shoes, silk stockings, and they were not large. He started to take off his shoes. “I’m literally looking for trouble by coming here to meet you.” He softly complained like a nagging woman. “Both the last time, and this time.”

Xie Yilu heard it, but didn’t swallow his pride. “So do you feel happier by restraining yourself, half-dead, in the Weaving and Sewing Bureau all day long?”

Liao Jixiang immediately raised his eyebrows and gave him a fierce glare, but Xie Yilu couldn’t bother less. He sat down right next to Liao Jixiang and watched him slowly removing his socks. Liao Jixiang had a pair of fair feet, which were now wet and shiny. Under the greyish sunlight from the cloudy sky, they appeared to be made of ivory, making him want to feel them. The mere thought of “feeling” made Xie Yilu too ashamed to keep staring.

Liao Jixiang seemed to be bothered by his extremely white feet too, but because he had nowhere to hide them, he curled up his toes in embarrassment. Yet for reasons unknown to him, when the toes curled up, Xie Yilu felt that this pair of feet were even more appealing to his heart, so he couldn’t help but steal glances.

Liao Jixiang caught him looking and scolded him, “What are you looking at?” Although he was uttering a reproachful sentence, his voice was trembling. “Are a eunuch’s feet so good-looking?”

Perhaps due to the previous incident, they had formed a deeper understanding now, so Xie Yilu wasn’t very afraid of his anger. “They are so white,” he now dared to say anything, “that they look like…”

A woman’s. The sentence wasn’t finished, but both of them saw it coming.

He made the same mistake again! Xie Yilu pressed his forehead in frustration and helplessly lay back on the sand. “I can’t watch my mouth. My bad.”

Liao Jixiang went silent for a moment, and he didn’t get angry. He turned over to look at Xie Yilu, “You haven’t told anyone about our meeting, have you?”

“No,” Xie Yilu rested his head on his hand, lazily gazing at Liao Jixiang’s back. Hearing his reply, Liao Jixiang felt relieved and turned his back towards Xie Yilu, but just as he was doing so, he heard Xie Yilu saying, “I know you mean well.”

Though he couldn’t see, Xie Yilu could feel Liao Jixiang smiling. “You’re thinking too much,” Liao Jixiang replied.

“In fact…I told a colleague.”

Liao Jixiang immediately turned back, staring at him incredulously. “A colleague?” His tone was now completely different, revealing his hidden side, which was resolute and ruthless. “What a fool!” He was so peculiarly incensed, that even his fingertips were trembling. “If he tells others about it, everyone will be convinced that you’ve joined the eunuch’s party6. Your entire life will be…”

“Finished,” Xie Yilu completed the sentence for him, staring at him without blinking once, a grin on his face. That was how Liao Jixiang immediately found out he was being teased, so he angrily turned his back on Xie Yilu. Xie Yilu eagerly followed to grab his sleeve, but Liao Jixiang pulled his hand away. So Xie Yilu pulled on his sleeves again, to which Liao Jixiang still remained coldly indifferent. Eventually, Xie Yilu exerted a greater force and dragged him down, making him lie next to him.

Liao Jixiang lowered his eyes and refused to speak. To lighten his mood, Xie Yilu deliberately laughed softly, but at this moment, Liao Jixiang whispered, “Don’t let me…”

“What?” Xie Yilu couldn’t make the words out, so he leaned in.

It was too close. Liao Jixiang lifted his eyes, his pure eyes filled with shallow ripples of light, and he avoided Xie Yilu restlessly. “Don’t let me drag you down,” he said, ever so cautiously and timidly. “Don’t ruin your own reputation.”

Xie Yilu was almost blurting out, “When you cut down the dwarf pear trees, did you ever think about your reputation?”

Liao Jixiang didn’t expect him to bring this up. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but ultimately remained silent.

“You always think about others, but what about yourself?” Xie Yilu was pressing for an answer.

Liao Jixiang shifted backwards to create some space between them. “What reputation do eunuchs need?” He said dispassionately, “Eunuchs are destined to be damned in this world.”

Xie Yilu couldn’t stand his words, so every time Liao Jixiang retreated, he advanced closer. “People only curse the evil eunuchs!”

Liao Jixiang stopped retreating and faced Xie Yilu head-on. “Then tell me a good eunuch, can you?”

It was a question that Xie Yilu couldn’t answer, so their argument reached a stalemate. Liao Jixiang mocked himself, his lips quivering. “Of all of you scholars, who would remember a eunuch’s kindness? Just exchanging a few words with us makes you look like you’re losing your life.”

“You”, and “us.” They were so close to each other that their breaths were almost intertwined, but Xie Yilu was convinced that he felt an invisible line separating them brutally. “Don’t say that,” clenching his fists, Xie Yilu looked at Liao Jixiang, his eyes full of plea. “It hurts me when you say that.”

“Remember,” Liao Jixiang slowly turned over, cold and distantly, he left his back to Xie Yilu. “Don’t ever have anything to do with eunuchs, never.”

Xie Yilu felt as if he had a huge rock pressing against his chest – he was breathing strenuously. Reaching out, he sensed the extreme urge to grab that shoulder and make him turn back. Yet, after all, he didn’t really possess the courage to do so.

The original term here is hao xin dang cheng lv gan fei, 好心当成驴肝肺, which literally means “taking one’s kind and good heart for some useless innard of the donkey”.  

The poem was written by poet Wang Wei in the Tang Dynasty, titled Shanzhong, 山中. The original sentence is 山路元无雨，空翠湿人衣。 

Yangchun, 养春, Liao Jixiang’s courtesy name. 

Liao Jixiang is a fourth-rank eunuch, while Xie Yilu is a sixth-rank official.  

The undergarments here refer to ancient Chinese underwear, which is the innermost layer of shirts or long pants worn underneath the embroidered robes. 

Historically, the court officials and the eunuchs represented two opposing political parties. Some court officials might join the eunuchs for power, fame, or other reasons. The “real men” who took the eunuchs’ side would usually be despised and cursed.