CH 16

Xie Yilu was carrying Liao Jixiang in his arms extremely carefully, like he was holding a delicate golden Buddha statue. Liao Jixiang was also hugging him, remaining motionless and very obedient in Xie Yilu’s arms – they had known each other very well by now. Xie Yilu leaped neatly from the big white boulder in the water and gently placed Liao Jixiang on the dry sandy soil on the other side of the creek. They then tidied their clothes and headed towards the deserted temple in the bamboo forest.

“So, ” Xie Yilu picked up his unfinished sentence from a moment ago, “Mei Azha pledged his loyalty to the Elder Master1 earlier than you did?”

Liao Jixiang stood shoulder to shoulder with him, and nodded. “The Elder Master has been in power for years, yet he only admitted nine of us under his name, which is very rare.”

Judging from his words, Xie Yilu could feel his respect and sentiment for the Elder Master – it was the kind of reverence towards the elders in the family. “Do you have fewer people under your name compared to him?”

Liao Jixiang suddenly looked up at him with a melancholic expression, and remained silent.

Xie Yilu was pained by that look. It was frequent for Liao Jixiang to become reticent all of a sudden, as if he was preoccupied by too many things on his mind. For an instant, Xie Yilu wanted to hug him, or simply wrap his arms loosely around him, so that he could gently comfort him and persuade him to let go of those troubles. “Speaking of which,” he changed the subject to something more relaxing, “what are your requirements when selecting subordinates?”

“Smart,” Liao Jixiang considered for a moment, and added impassively, “and pretty.”

Xie Yilu stared at him. “Pretty?”

“Selecting the castrated is just like picking kittens and puppies,” Liao Jixiang looked back at him with a cold, distant and even tragic expression. “If you were me, would you not choose the beautiful ones?”

He used the word “castrated” to describe himself. It was clearly self-deprecating, yet Xie Yilu felt a piercing pain in his heart. He opened his mouth a few times, but no words came out. Liao Jixiang suddenly laughed very deliberately and forcefully. “Or someone like Yishiha, who came from the trained palace guards2.”

Indeed, Xie Yilu had never seen an ugly eunuch. From Zheng Xian to Jin Tang, from Aliu to Zhang Cai… Even for someone as old as Qi Wan, it was clear that he was once handsome and charismatic. It had never come across him before, that eunuchs were merely the decorations in the hall of power, so how could they not be pleasing to the eye?

“Yishiha,” it took Xie Yilu considerable effort to restrain himself before speaking, “is indeed skilled.”

“He was a man who escaped from captivity.”

“Escaped from captivity3” was an official term used to describe those who were captured by the Mongolian Tatars4, who managed to escape from the northwestern desert and come back to their hometown. Xie Yilu was surprised, and just as he was about to ask for more details, a farmer rushed towards them. Behind him followed a group of fellow villagers, leading a one or two-year-old grey-backed water buffalo. Xie Yilu looked in the direction they came from, and noticed a village shop at the corner of the bamboo forest.

They chanted a folk song, and together, they laid the water buffalo down by the creek. One of them had a huge wooden hammer in his hand – they were ready to neuter the buffalo.

Liao Jixiang immediately turned to Xie Yilu, as if he wanted to throw himself into his arms, making him appear like a frightened bird. So Xie Yilu took the liberty to open his arms towards Liao Jixiang, trying his best to look sincere, ready to comfort him.

However, all Liao Jixiang did was to stop in front of him. With his back to the buffalo, he trembled as he lowered his head.

The buffalo seemed to comprehend its situation and let out a sorrowful howl. Xie Yilu covered Liao Jixiang’s head with his wide sleeve. Suddenly, there was a loud “thud” – the hammer had struck the buffalo’s head. The villagers chattered intermittently, discussing where to drive the knife.

“At least they will knock it out…” Liao Jixiang whispered, like he was suppressing something.

Xie Yilu heard him, but didn’t immediately understand. Some things needed to be comprehended. Like the long incense ashes accumulated on the burning incense stick falling down5, or, like the long icicles frozen since winter snapping abruptly in early spring, suddenly, he was enlightened, that Liao Jixiang was conscious. When he experienced those miserable, agonising torments, he was able to see, able to hear, and he was wide awake!

How could one human even be so unbelievably brutal to another… Xie Yilu felt the excruciating pain for Liao Jixiang for the first time, as if it was himself bearing all these intolerable occurrences and couldn’t withstand anything anymore. The muscles on his face tensed up, his teeth clenched and clattering in his mouth. He heard Liao Jixiang choking as he whimpered, “Only livestock are treated this way…”

Xie Yilu still didn’t dare to embrace him, but his hands moved, his grasp on Liao Jixiang’s arm was extremely rough and tight. Probably due to the pain, Liao Jixiang looked up at him, bitter tears streaming down his face; he said, “You see? You are human, whereas I am livestock.”

Liao Jixiang’s arm was very skinny, and his voice was hoarse. Xie Yilu grabbed his hand all of a sudden – this time, their fingers entwined tightly, palms pressed against each other – and dashed towards the village shop in front of them.

Rain came falling from the sky, so sudden and without any warning. It was a feather-like drizzle of spring, soft and gentle as they landed on them, which felt like a pair of hands made up of water or sand, disintegrating with their slightest movement.

Liao Jixiang limped along, walking unsteadily but trying his best to keep up with Xie Yilu. That business was still continuing behind their backs. It was just some light drizzles, which was nothing to hinder the villagers from driving the knife into the animal, nor did it prevent the young buffalo from losing its immature testicles.

There seemed to be a temporary market today, as many people were gathered around the village shop. Xie Yilu pulled Liao Jixiang under the eaves to shelter from the rain, and walked away alone to check out the creek. Such things were a common sight in spring – people neutering buffalos, horses, and pigs – which would be done in a short while. Those farmers covered a worn bamboo mat on the back of the young buffalo, washed their hands in the creek and returned to the village in twos and threes.

Xie Yilu turned back. He saw Liao Jixiang standing under the eaves, slightly hunched with his face turned to the side, because farmers were staring at him, their gaze betraying traces of curiosity.

They meant no harm, Xie Yilu was aware of that, and he also understood their curiosity. At a glance, Liao Jixiang appeared too different from ordinary men – his proud demeanour made him fit the profile of an official, but an official wouldn’t possess a touch of feminine grace such as his. His frail and slim figure was similar to that of an traditional opera singer6, but one couldn’t find the usual traces of makeup on his face. Then he must be a scholar, although, scholars were usually not as cold or distant.

He is a eunuch! Xie Yilu’s heart was throbbing in pain again. He hastily walked towards Liao Jixiang, his gait was steady, but his heart was racing. Liao Jixiang must have sensed his urgency too, as he was staring at him dazedly from under the thatched roof.

Xie Yilu didn’t stand shoulder to shoulder with him. Instead, he approached from the front, embracing Liao Jixiang’s figure little by little into his broad shield of shadow. In the greenish grey shadows, Liao Jixiang seemed even slimmer and shorter. Xie Yilu leaned in slightly, blocking the probing gazes from the villagers.

“Just wait a bit. Wait another short while for the rain before we go.” he said, his voice ever so gentle.

Liao Jixiang studied his face for quite a while, “Why…” he asked timidly, as if he didn’t know how to phrase his question, “why are you so kind to me?”

Xie Yilu was taken aback. Am I kind to him? He asked himself. A mere simple gesture like this is considered kind? What he offered was nothing but a glance and a back to lean on. This person in front of him was in desperate need of warmth, as he was so pitifully cold.

“I’m a eunuch,” Liao Jixiang savoured the momentary bliss under the protection of Xie Yilu’s shadow, yet he was still trembling with apprehension, “and half a cripple. Other than my three thousand worries7 and lifelong loneliness, I…”

“Shhh!” Xie Yilu interrupted him, and tried to comfort him like he was comforting a child, “Are you afraid of the rain?”

Liao Jixiang shook his head, so Xie Yilu laughed, “I’m not afraid either.” He suddenly grabbed Liao Jixiang’s hand and held it firmly in his, “Let’s go, then. To worship the Buddha.”

And so they stepped into the rain together. Liao Jixiang glared at Xie Yilu for holding his hand tightly, and out of panic or some other emotions, he tried to withdraw his hand. However, Xie Yilu didn’t allow it, rather, he held Liao Jixiang’s hand even tighter, like he was a pervert who didn’t know better.

The temple was just ahead of the village shop, less than a mile away. From across the creek, it looked like a grand Buddhist temple, but upon closer inspection, it was nothing but a deserted, unmanaged place. Shattered boulders and rocks were everywhere around the gate, which must have been the stone pagodas and tablets that the locals had smashed and utilised to enforce their own houses.

“What a sin!” Liao Jixiang exclaimed, and Xie Yilu discreetly studied his face. The devotion in his gaze appeared genuine. He remembered the lavish offerings Liao Jixiang had made at the Zhebo Buddhist Temple8, so he ingratiatingly asked “Shall we enter and take a look?”

Liao Jixiang was shocked. He shook his head without a moment of hesitation. “I can’t make it.”

He was referring to the stones scattered everywhere on the ground, which were too demanding for his legs.

Xie Yilu immediately squatted down halfway with his back towards Liao Jixiang, extending both of his arms backwards, indicating that he would carry him over.

“What are you doing?” Liao Jixiang felt frightened for reasons unknown to him, and in his fear, there was also a hint of shy annoyance. “Get up!”

Ignoring his words, Xie Yilu directly leaned closer to him and pulled him onto his back. “Hurry up, you don’t want people to see.”

Perhaps Xie Yilu was very persuasive and Liao Jixiang was easily convinced, or perhaps due to his interest in this abandoned temple, Liao Jixiang unsteadily climbed onto Xie Yilu’s back, onto the board back and shoulders that were much wider than his own. This back belonged to a true man, steaming with vitality and warmth.

Xie Yilu caught his legs in his hands and jolted Liao Jixiang lightly on his back. It truly feels like how it seems, that he’s light as a feather.

Liao Jixiang wasn’t fond of being weighed like he was cargo, so he whispered in a gentle reproach, “If you want to carry me, do it properly.” Mumbling that, he settled down on his back, his arms wrapped tenderly and softly around Xie Yilu’s neck.

The fragrance of milk, sandalwood, and perhaps other indistinguishable scents came showering Xie Yilu, which made him feel extremely cosy. He remained in a daze and was deprived of other senses even long after he put Liao Jixiang down in the half-collapsed temple, after he watched Liao Jixiang kneel on the gravel ground covered in mud to recite sutras.

After leaving the abandoned temple, Xie Yilu looked round and round, wanting to spot somewhere else that they could visit. He didn’t want to go back like this. Not just yet. His reluctance lingered and he didn’t want to part with Liao Jixiang.

However, Liao Jixiang remained standing still behind him. A long time passed before he finally called out to him, “Chunchu9.”

Xie Yilu turned around, and saw him fidgeting and pursing his lips. He stammered, “I need to release myself.”

“Go ahead.” Xie Yilu pointed him to a tall tree not far ahead. Yet Liao Jixiang turned around embarrassed and headed towards a clump of weeds.

Xie Yilu found it odd and looked at him, but then he figured it was inappropriate to keep looking. Just as he was struggling between taking a look or not, he saw Liao Jixiang squatting down in the grass.

Xie Yilu heard a sudden buzz in his head, like the sound of tearing up pieces of fine silk, and his mind went completely blank. He stared intensely at that patch of weeds, and seemed to observe Liao Jixiang wiping himself down there with something, then he tidied up his robe as he stood up.

Eunuchs were “cleansed10” men. Xie Yilu had heard about it somewhere, that there were two types of eunuchs, fully cleansed11 and partially cleansed12. The partially cleansed ones only had their testicles removed, whereas the fully cleansed ones… Xie Yilu’s hand went to his chest, where he felt agonising pain like he was being pricked by countless needles. The pain was dense and sharp, and the world was spinning around him.

Liao Jixiang approached him, his head lowered, holding a white silk handkerchief in his hand. He quickly dropped it on the ground as if he was afraid that Xie Yilu would see it. Xie Yilu tried his best to act natural, pretending to have not seen anything. He smiled and said, “Are you tired? I noticed an area ahead…”

“I want to wash my hands.” Liao Jixiang didn’t look up.

This sounded like a command, so Xie Yilu immediately headed towards the creek. The terrain was higher on this side of the bank, so the creek was hiding behind a small slope that Liao Jixiang couldn’t climb down to.

Xie Yilu went down for him. Seeing the foliage nearby, he plucked a random large leaf to scoop up some water, and carefully carried it in his hands and walked back. When Liao Jixiang saw him returning, he kept backing away, appearing to be afraid for some reason. Xie Yilu asked cautiously, “What’s wrong?”

Liao Jixiang didn’t respond, but he refused to let Xie Yilu get closer. So Xie Yilu held out the leaf to him and said, “Water, for your hands.”

The water kept dripping from the leaf, and it wouldn’t be long before it completely ran out, so Liao Jixiang had to come closer despite his reluctance, and scooped up the water with both of his hands. It was at this moment that Xie Yilu detected a faint smell of urine.

All he did was cast a sympathetic look at Liao Jixiang, and all it took was just that one glance to shatter Liao Jixiang’s hard-built defence. Panicking, he withdrew his hands in fear, but Xie Yilu’s reaction was even faster, grabbing Liao Jixiang’s hands immediately. That scoop of water was now completely spilled on the ground.

The two pairs of hands, drenched through and through, were held tightly together. And those fingers, which were slippery from the water, slid smoothly against each other. Several times, Liao Jixiang tried to pull his hands away, but Xie Yilu wouldn’t let go, and explained pretentiously, “Wash, wash them clean…”

With a sudden jolt of the hand, Liao Jixiang finally managed to wrench free, and stared at Xie Yilu in shock and caution. Xie Yilu also felt himself to be unbearably indecent, so he tried to make up for it, “I just wanted to help you…”

“I’m going back.” Liao Jixiang said firmly.

This is a very emotionally demanding chapter to translate. There was simply too much sorrow in Liao Jixiang’s heart. I hope I was able to convey his feelings to you via my words. 

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The original word here is 老祖宗, Laozuzong, which is literally translated to “the elder ancestor”. This term is a reverent title towards older and powerful eunuchs. As eunuchs cannot father any biological children, it is common for young eunuchs to seek the protection of a powerful eunuch by becoming their “adopted son/grandson”. It pleases an eunuch to have as many “adopted offspring” as possible. Therefore, the elder eunuch is referred to as “the elder ancestor”. Since the “adopted sons/grandsons” still need to work for the elder eunuch and be filial to him, I took the liberty to translate 老祖宗 as “the Elder Master”.  

The original term here is Neicao, 内操, which means “trained in the palace”. In the Ming Dynasty, Neicao referred to the eunuchs who wore armour and went through military training.  

The original term here is Luzhong Zouhui, 虏中走回, which means “to escape from captivity and walk back to one’s home country”. 

Tatars, or Dazi, 鞑子, Dada, 鞑靼, is an ethnic group in north and central Asia which eventually became incorporated into the Mongol Empire. 

The ashes from the incense stick will drop to the table after accumulating for a while. See an example here.  

The opera singer here refers to the Chinese opera performers, where male performers would dress up as females. Guo Xiaozhuo is one of the opera singers, as was Zheng Xian.  

Three thousand worries, or Sanqian Fannao, 三千烦恼, is a term in Buddhism, which suggests the countless worries and fear from living in the mortal world.  

The original text here is Zhebo Chan Si, 折钵禅寺. 

Chunchu is Xie Yilu’s courtesy name. 

The original term here is Baishen, 白身, which literally means “white bodied”.  

Fully cleansed is known as Quan Bai, 全白, which literally means “completely white”.  

Partially cleansed is known as Ban Bai, 半白, which literally means “half white”.