144 [144]

0. A man who doesn't read books.

You're trying.

It's not the direction I expected.

But that's not going to work.

It's impossible even if I cut off my limbs and pull out my eyes.

No, you're right.

Torture is torture.

If you cut a person's finger, everyone will throw up any secret.

I know my own weaknesses well.

I'm sure I'll cry and scream and beg for your sympathy.

I'm such a weak person.

But you won't get an answer from me.

Because in the future, I won't know anything, and I won't remember anything.

I'll be able to identify eternal life in the next life.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

But you'll find out soon enough.

Lord Raymond.

Goodbye then.

051. This is not beginning: Carron

Karen opened her eyes.

The beginning is always the same.

Gray skies, drenched drizzle, muddy gardens with nothing yet, chilling air and dirty pajamas. I have a sore throat. If you don't go back to the mansion soon, the gardener will find you. Near his feet, Tsai picked up a rope.

"…100 years ago, did I want to die then?”

Karen took it and muttered. It failed again this time. Judging from the wounds and ropes on his neck, he must have failed to die 100 years ago before he began to repeat himself.

Unlike the damp hallway, the fire in the fireplace burns in the room and thick fur blocks the cold air, making the air warm. I didn't throw dirty clothes, but I just took them off the fire. The fire kept burning and it was warm. I look at the woman in the mirror. Then he shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't you think you could fail in life?”

I sit on a chair and look at the paper and ink. Put ink on the tip of the pen and write it down on the paper.

How old am I? Karen laughed for a long time, writing the '?' sign because she was funny. I don't know how to count Dulan's death many times. Well, what does it matter now, many times?

My name is Karen Haier.

The pen flicked hard. written neatly and elegantly There was no anger and no madness. Karen laughed. It failed again this time. But it'll be fine. You don't start over again. He will wait for Raymond and challenge together.

He was always himself. His name was Karen Haier. But this is not the beginning. One's life is not repeated. Now Raymond remembers. Karen opened her eyes and walked into her room.

Look at the coin. I didn't want to get a new number. He himself did not need proof. There was no need to struggle desperately. Now we can work together. Life can go on with just one other person. It doesn't start from the beginning.

"Ay."

It is no longer necessary. Karen threw the coin into the fire.

Slowly the corners began to recede. Karen looked down at it with a calm face.

It's a bit disappointing. But I felt relieved. This is also meaningful in its own way. Being with you is not that piece of coin, but a man named Raymond. So I wasn't afraid anymore. You don't have to be nervous. Now he knows that he can wait for him even if he is not.

How should I live this time? What should we do?

I felt light. I thought it would be good to think slowly before Raymond came.

Karen changed her clothes and fell asleep.

It was a comfortable, hard, deep sleep.

***

"Did you wake up?"

"Oh, my lady, you got up early. Are you feeling all right?"

"It's not that good. I know I've lost all my memory, Young....”

It's a clang.

"Oh, yes, yes?"

Karen grinned. I don't think we need to threaten Nancy. It's okay to threaten her with a gun, but she'll answer if she asks. She was weaker and more scared than I thought.

"We've got a lot to talk about, haven't we?"

"What's the point of living such a fixed life?"

Catherine looked down at Karen with a tearful look.

"I want you to have true love. I hope you don't live like us, like me and my mother. It's not that big a deal. This is... Karen, Karen. Listen to me. You'll live a very, very long time. Mom and dad are only for a short time, and your life will be stuffed at the age of 17 and you will choose someone as your child's father for a long time. You're a princess. You have to wait for the prince."

"No need!"

"I'm still young. You'll understand your mom when you grow up. This is the gift I can give you. I had no other choice. But you can choose…We're just meant to be. And someday you can feel it as a blessing.”

As Karen grew older, her seizures increased.

"Who am I? Where am I? Where's my mom?"

Brainwashing became more and more perfect over time. It was when Duran began to send a combination of stabilizers to Haier.

With the help of the lord, I'm faithfully taking my studies. I'm sending you some medicine that will help Karen.

Duran, you son of a gun.

I should have fed you then. Karen gritted her teeth. But anger didn't last long. The memory faded away sporadically.

You have to remember.’

Every once in a while, Karen desperately wrote something down whenever she tried to refresh her memory. You may lose your memory, but you may have a record.

"My name is Karen Haier. My name is Karen Haier. That's my name."

Karen murmured repeatedly.

"If you lose it, you can read it. I don't remember, but I still have a record. Let's read the handwriting. We can read it."

He thought strongly of it. You can read a book even if you forget. He remembered himself paranoid. You can read a book. You can read my writing. I myself remain in this paper. It'll help bring back memories. Karen grabbed the book and murmured every night.

You're living again? So you want me to die on my 17th birthday? I don't believe you!

If you meet the perfect man and love him, you'll be enchanted? Tell him not to be funny. Karen quivered. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to forget.

Remember... let's run away.

But where? How? He can't even go down to the village without a carriage. Karen cried in frustration. But the tears didn't last long. You're so mean. But Catherine is already dead.

Karen desperately wrote down and began to identify herself with the book. Books were the only means to save her. It was the only window not to forget yourself, not to betray yourself. Let's not forget to read. Karen memorized only one thing. Books, books, books. The text that I'm writing.

I'm like a book.

It's like my life.

"What is this?"

But when the maid found it, it was over.

"Master, you're gonna....”

"Give it back! It's my diary! It's my personal thing!"

The lord slowly passed Karen's diary. I saw deep anger and hatred in it. Young-ju laughed bitterly.

"Katherine... my dear, your mother doesn't want this. The more you do that, the more convinced I am of my actions."

"Daddy, Dad... I want to kill my mom."

"Carran, you forgot again."

And Young-joo threw her diary into the fireplace. No! The scream was swallowed by fire. Young-ju said to Karen, who was crying.

"My mother died a few years ago."

The grim-faced lord told Nancy, with her head down.

"Not that dark story, but a bright and pleasant love story. I want my daughter to be in love."

'Okay, my lord.

Nancy ordered a variety of romance novels. And I read it every night. Karen made a break at first.

"Don't touch my memory!"

However, it was only for a while that he cried. I forgot about it soon.

Once upon a time....”

Karen, lying in bed, asked Nancy in a tired voice. His hands and feet were tied to the bed. I've lost my energy. Karen didn't understand her maid.

"…do you like living like that? You used to be a free gypsy."

Why do you give up your freedom and bother me? But Nancy shook her head. And kissed Karen on the forehead. It was a sympathetic kiss. You don't know anything. What it's like to live outside. What is an unscheduled life? Restraint is better than freedom. Restrictions come with protection.

"I don't want to starve and just live in a mansion like this. And don't be too scared, miss. There's nothing scary."

"You don't even believe it.”

"It doesn't matter."

Black hands swept Karen's hair. The hand felt funny enough to comfort itself. And Nancy's voice began to flow slowly, but uncontrollably, into Karen's ears.

It's okay, it's okay.

Just accept it. Live simply. Because you're so pretty.

Go back to sleep now.

It's all right.

Everything that is scary is in your dream.

Everything sad is in the book.

You are dreaming.

This world is like a dream to you.

Soon, you and the driver will fall in love.

All hardships will be over.

***

I am me!

Mom's crazy. Dad's crazy, too! She's trying to control me even when she's dead! Karen ran out to the garden with a rope. I couldn't live like this. It couldn't have ended like this. It was the first time in a year that he regained his memory this time. Until yesterday, she thought she was the main character in the book. He wrote in his diary that he is really confident in other places than here and that he should get away.

A diary crumpled in the inside corner of the drawer suddenly gave me a headache, but even that seemed unlikely to last long. You never know how long it will last if you lose your memory again. Karen was sick and tired of everything. I wanted to die when I remained as myself.

Karen doesn't believe in life again. Unbelievable. But my mother and father say they will, and they say they will die of course they will. And he erased the memory saying that losing it would be more helpful. The more he was radiant, the more he was convinced that he should erase his memory. If you fall asleep while listening to a lullaby drunk, you'll be calm.

Karen became increasingly rebellious whenever she found her memory, which led to self-harm and suicide attempts. If you forget this time again, you may really forget yourself.

Let's die.

When I was me.

"…Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Karen slipped. The mud splashed all over. Tears streamed from my eyes.

"Huh…Huh."

Karen tied a knot by hanging a string from a tree. This will kill you. Karen remembered the illustrations in popular novels read by maids. Even though he doesn't have his own identity, such memories remain. Thank God. Karen was relieved and put her head in a round knot.

Get your ass out of here!

"Why…."

Karen fell down. Due to lack of knowledge, he did not tie the knot firmly enough. I have a scar on my neck. A rope fell on the floor. Karen cried standing up. Now he was sixteen. It's been years since my mother died. The memory was cut off from time to time, and most of it was spent foolishly.

I looked up at the mansion.

How long can you remain yourself? Does a 17-year-old mean a birthday? If I die today or tomorrow, will I succeed? But after failing again, I was afraid to die again. I had a sore throat.

How much can I be alive with myself?

I came into the book.

If you want to get out of the book, you have to love. By true love, it must come true with him. This novel is a romance novel. If you make true love, you will have all the happiness.

to be okay

It is a raining garden. Karen trembled in the cold. Home, I have to go home. It's cold. I almost tripped over a rope, but Karen went up to her room. Strangely, I could tell where my room was.