CH 21

Lin ChengYu froze for a while, then his heart sank.

When he met Jiang Xiao after being reborn, he’d always taken the initiative. From the beginning when he pestered Jiang Xiao for a few words, to the end when he wanted to bring him to Liujiang. Jiang Xiao hardly needed a moment’s thought to realize Lin ChengYu had come back.

“You mean that if I didn’t remember, I wouldn’t be so enthusiastic, right, XiaoXiao?”

“That was just one of the things,” Jiang Xiao said. “There were other hints, too.”

Jiang Xiao had an eye for detail. He often paid attention to little things, and he remembered a great deal from his last life. When he saw Lin ChengYu again, he grew more certain after comparing him to various things he’d seen.

People who’ve experienced a lot of things can’t help being different from when they were young, no matter how they try to hide it.

For example, Lin ChengYu had lived in Liujiang for a long time. Although his Mandarin was standard, certain syllables couldn’t help but be influenced by the local dialect. The “Lin” character of “Houlin” sounded a bit like “Ning” when he said it, which wasn’t obvious at first. Later he went to Binhai City for a long time for business. Some of his pronunciation was gradually corrected and became very standard.

“Classmate, I’m looking for Houlin No. 3 Junior High.”

When they met again in Houlin, Lin ChengYu said this to him when he pretended to ask for directions. His pronunciation of “Lin” was standard.

When Lin ChengYu graduated from university and first began his career, he started from the bottom. He worked hard, made outstanding achievements, and was promoted very quickly. But he was so busy that he developed a slight inflammation of his thumb tendon. Jiang Xiao found medicinal wine for him to rub into the joint, but Lin ChengYu didn’t take good care of it. The condition improved only to relapse again. When he rose to a higher level, he didn’t have to do so much basic work. However, because of that injury, whenever Lin ChengYu had things on his mind he would unconsciously rub his thumbs when his hands were folded.

These were acquired habits that Lin ChengYu shouldn’t possess right now. If his overly enthusiastic attitude at their first meeting made Jiang Xiao suspect something might be up, everything else was proof.

Lin ChengYu wasn’t aware of any of this. When he heard Jiang Xiao describe these things, his expression was surprised.

But Jiang Xiao remembered everything because he’d experienced it over time. After Lin ChengYu’s business shifted to Binhai, the two people’s lives began to separate. Lin ChengYu didn’t come back for long periods of time. The change in his accent was just one of the things Jiang Xiao noticed. Jiang Xiao learned to cook several Binhai dishes for him just to accommodate his new preferences. His thumb injury was another thing he adapted to. Lin ChengYu never realized that in order to make him feel better, Jiang Xiao searched all over for various kinds of medicinal oil and specially learned massage techniques.

Even if the deep love Jiang Xiao once felt was worn away, the heart that used to observe Lin ChengYu so closely didn’t easily forget. So much so that when Jiang Xiao saw him after his rebirth, he didn’t need to pay special attention. He just saw these things, thought for a moment, and understood.

There were more than just these two small details. There were countless other things. He just didn’t feel like giving another example.

He once treated Lin ChengYu better than himself. Jiang Xiao couldn’t believe it when he remembered everything. All Lin ChengYu thought was that his life with Jiang Xiao was smooth sailing. Jiang Xiao was considerate and gentle. Lin ChengYu never realized that behind this consideration and gentleness was a love as deep as the sea backed by exhausting effort.

“That’s why the first time I saw you, I knew you were reborn.” Jiang Xiao took another sip of cold soy milk, slightly tilted his head to gaze at him, and asked, “What about you? Lin ChengYu, what things have you noticed?”

When Lin ChengYu heard what he said, he was moved, both sad and a little happy at the same time. He thought the reason Jiang Xiao remembered this was because Lin ChengYu still had a place in his heart.

But Jiang Xiao’s question instantly made him feel ashamed.

“I…”

Lin ChengYu couldn’t speak.

Jiang Xiao’s question was rhetorical. He didn’t expect an answer. He knew exactly when Lin ChengYu had recognized him—just now.

He didn’t mention the tragic events of their last life. He didn’t ask what Lin ChengYu did later. He only mentioned these little things, which caught Lin ChengYu off guard and at the same time reminded him of the gap that existed between them.

Lin ChengYu had never possessed the same level of concern for him.

It had been a while since Lin ChengYu found Jiang Xiao, and they’d now met several times. He didn’t realize the other party was reborn until he heard Jiang Xiao speak Liujiang dialect. But that was too big a clue. Don’t mention Lin ChengYu, even an ordinary classmate of Jiang Xiao would find it strange to hear him speak Liujiang dialect so fluently.

Jiang Xiao was a person who’d been reborn after many years of adulthood. He looked younger and wore a school uniform now, but he undoubtedly possessed some habits from his previous life.

But Lin ChengYu couldn’t speak to that. He couldn’t identify a single thing. He regretted everything too late, and he didn’t notice anything from before. He couldn’t recall something out of thin air just because he regretted it.

He didn’t even remember that Jiang Xiao disliked Liujiang-style cuisine. Liujiang food was mainly fresh and sweet, but Jiang Xiao liked robust flavors. His home province of Rongxiang was famous for rich and heavy dishes. Heavy oil, heavy spice, and heavy sweet were his favorite flavors. But out of a thousand options, Lin ChengYu had chosen a local restaurant today.

Jiang Xiao was used to this. He didn’t feel disappointed.

“You used to cook Liujiang food at home. I thought, I just thought you liked it…” Lin ChengYu stumbled over his explanation, trying not to panic. “XiaoXiao…”

“It’s not that I like it. You do,” Jiang Xiao told him. “I only made it because that’s what you like.”

He was very calm about it, and added a note of caution: “Not anymore.”

It wouldn’t be like this again, working so hard and forcing himself to adapt to a person who didn’t care.

“I’m sorry.” Lin ChengYu didn’t know what words to say. He wanted to tell him everything would be different in the future. But compared with Jiang Xiao, his promises would be too weak. “Since you don’t like it, should we go somewhere else?”

It was too late for that now.

“No need.” Jiang Xiao was too lazy to change places. “Eat whatever you like.”

When he sat down, he ordered a bowl of noodles and asked the waiter to bring a small dish of chili sauce. He planned to fill his stomach first.

Compared to him, Lin ChengYu had no appetite.

How could he make up for decades?

Every time he saw Jiang Xiao, he felt the distance between the two people growing hopelessly.

Jiang Xiao lowered his head to eat without talking, and Lin ChengYu didn’t dare to speak. At this time, there were no words to express his current mood. He didn’t know how to explain his carelessness in his last life. In fact there was no way to explain it.

When Jiang Xiao finished eating, he looked up at Lin ChengYu again and spoke, breaking the present calm.

“I didn’t say that to blame you. Lin ChengYu, it was a lifetime ago, and I did all those things voluntarily at the time. For me, it’s all in the past.” Jiang Xiao wiped his mouth with paper and said, “In fact, you don’t need to feel too guilty, and you don’t need to make it up to me. You just didn’t like me that much, so you naturally didn’t do as much as I did. It was all wishful thinking on my part.”

His sickness wasn’t Lin ChengYu’s fault. When he died, he happened to be reborn, and he was able to see things clearly. He stopped chasing what didn’t belong to him.

Hate is also a form of caring, for it takes time and effort to hate. His time was too valuable. He wasn’t going to waste it on Lin ChengYu.

“We were always two worlds apart, especially now that we’ve been reborn. It was wrong to force ourselves together before,” Jiang Xiao put down his chopsticks. “I’m living well these days. I don’t need any compensation from you. If you truly feel guilty, don’t come to me again. That’s the best ending for both of us.”

Lin ChengYu looked into his clear, tranquil eyes. He was overwhelmed by guilt and panic, and he couldn’t think about what was appropriate or inappropriate. He stood up, took Jiang Xiao’s hand and pulled him into his arms.

“No, it’s not, XiaoXiao, it’s not wishful thinking,” his voice trembled. “I really like you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I’m so sorry. Everything that happened is my fault. I’ll change everything you’re not satisfied with, and I’ll care about you and love you just like you said. Let’s start over, okay?”

Jiang Xiao: “It’s no use.”

Frowning, he tried to push Lin ChengYu away, but he held tight and wouldn’t move.

This was the first time Lin ChengYu held him in this life. Jiang Xiao’s body was always warm. When this person was in his arms, it seemed like he had everything, and he refused to let go.

He’d already lost his beloved once. Now it seemed like he was about to lose him again.

“XiaoXiao, please,” he murmured in Jiang Xiao’s ear, scared to death. “I know I was wrong. Let’s start again, okay? This time I’ll treat you well and stay with you always. You can vent your anger on me all you want, okay?”

But now Lin ChengYu had nothing but words to prove he loved him.

“It’s no use,” Jiang Xiao repeated. His patience ran out. “Don’t talk like that again. It’s annoying to hear it.”

He was already a bit creeped out, so he did his best to push Lin ChengYu away.

“XiaoXiao…”

“Don’t call my name again.” Jiang Xiao had eaten and he’d said everything he needed to say. His face was completely cold. He hoped Lin ChengYu would understand as soon as possible. People like him were never good at talking to others about their feelings. “You were never sincere to me, and you have never respected my opinions or ideas. Not in this life, and not in the last. You should go find someone else to play love games with you.”

Before Jiang Xiao left, he didn’t forget to pick up another cup of cold soy milk on the table and hand it to Lin ChengYu.

“Last life we didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. That’s probably the only regret we had before.” As he spoke, he looked Lin ChengYu in the eyes. “This is for you. It’s a break-up gift. Now we have a beginning and an end. We’re done, Lin ChengYu. Don’t meet me again in the future.”

The first time Lin ChengYu saw Jiang Xiao, he handed him a cup of soy milk just like this. His eyes were like shining stars, and he told him: Here’s breakfast for you. If you don’t have anywhere to go, you can stay with me.

“XiaoXiao.” Lin ChengYu once again reached for the person who wanted to leave, blocking the door of the small room. It was the first time Jiang Xiao had seen him cry, and he wasn’t completely able to ignore it. His eyes were rimmed with red, and his tears fell like beads from a string. “But you, you said back then you’d always be with me. I love you…”

“You see, you don’t remember what I said at all. What I said was that I’d be with you all my life.” As Jiang Xiao spoke, he looked at him sobbing. He no longer felt distressed and even showed a smile. “I didn’t break my promise, Lin ChengYu. I never went back on my word. You see, you really did use up my entire life.”

This sentence seemed to pierce Lin ChengYu’s heart like a million arrows. The hand that held Jiang Xiao had no more strength. He watched as Jiang Xiao turned away and opened the door, walking out of the restaurant without looking back. Lin ChengYu stood in the same spot, covering his face.

He thought the pain of losing Jiang Xiao in his last life was over. Instead it was just the beginning.

TL Notes:

♡ ﾟ･:*✧･ﾟ:* This concludes the teaser. Thanks very much for reading! ♡ ﾟ･:*✧･ﾟ:* 

I’ll add some notes in the comments (no spoilers) for people who are curious. 

– Confectioner aka Gao Dian Shi (糕点师)