CH 107

How much I loved you before is how much I hate you now.

You make me feel disgusted.

Lu Xiuwen stood there, these two sentences echoing endlessly in his ears. He looked at Ye Ming’s indifferent expression. At this moment, it was as though the scene of Ye Ming leaving him in his previous life had been reproduced… that time, Ye Ming had also looked at him this way, telling him that he made him feel disgusted. 

Then, he turned around to leave and never came back.

All this time, Lu Xiuwen hadn’t quite figured out this point, hadn’t understood how Ye Ming could so ruthlessly betray him, could so heartlessly say such words.

Now he seemed to finally understand.

It was simply because Ye Ming loved him.

Perhaps in his previous life, Ye Ming had silently loved him. Even if at that time, they weren’t in that kind of relationship, this child probably still cared a lot about him… so after finding out the so-called ‘truth’ from Song Qin, he couldn’t handle such an outcome, couldn’t accept that the person he loved the most had such thoughts about him. Not only was he deeply in love with his mother, but he also treated him as his mother’s substitute.

So he hated him.

Lu Xiuwen slightly lifted the corners of his lips, exposing a gloomy smile. Such a simple answer… he’d thought about it for two lifetimes, and only now did he understand.

A decade’s worth of feelings, how could they be easy to erase? If Ye Ming really didn’t care about him at all, then in this life, how could he have played into his hands so easily? Fallen in love with him so easily? Feelings of love between two people were fundamentally not something that could be controlled through scheming. 

Ye Ming loved him, because he originally loved him already, and not because his schemes made him fall in love with him…

【Ding. Lu Xiuwen’s Blackening Value: -20. Current Blackening Value: 10】

Lu Xiuwen shut his eyes, the depths of his dark eyes filled with endless pain. He’d been wrong.

Using these methods to obtain Ye Ming was a complete mistake. If he hadn’t used despicable means, but had been a bit more genuine and opened up about liking Gu Xueya in the past, and had been more candid about his feelings for Ye Ming much earlier, then, at the time Song Qin said those things once again… would Ye Ming have been more willing to trust him instead of being deceived again? Misunderstanding him? 

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Now, I understand how much you hate me. But, I still can’t let you go. 

Lu Xiuwen walked over, patted Ye Ming’s head, his voice low, “It’s time to go down and eat.”

Ye Ming did not resist Lu Xiuwen’s actions, nor did he refuse. He just woodenly walked downstairs, not giving Lu Xiuwen any opportunity to continue forcing him, seemingly very obedient.

Since resisting had no meaning, what was the point of continuing to do it? Just to flaunt his unyielding character?

No need. Everything he wanted to say had already been said. 

Lu Xiuwen looked down at his hand. It had just been touching the person he loved so deeply. Now he indeed possessed him, but it could also be said that he’d lost him. Because, this child would never again smile brilliantly at him like before, nor use that kind of adoring gaze to look at him like before.

In his eyes, he was merely a demon who was forcing him against his will.

………………

Ye Ming didn’t attempt to escape anymore. He obediently ate and slept, didn’t fuss, didn’t make trouble, and didn’t talk. Even when Lu Xiuwen occasionally hugged him and kissed him, he still didn’t resist. He only shut his eyes and assumed a state of sleep. 

Seeing him like this, Lu Xiuwen couldn’t bear to force him, and didn’t do anything excessive to him. He was compliant in every matter, except for not allowing him to go out.

Toward this kind of Ye Ming, Lu Xiuwen felt extremely powerless. Ye Ming was weak, naive, and still somewhat childish. It stood to reason that there was nothing to fear. But, it just so happened that this existence that looked weak in his eyes was also the existence of the only thing in this entire world that he would never be able to overcome.

He couldn’t even obtain his pity.

During this period of time, Lu Xiuwen never smiled at work. Everyone throughout the company was on tenterhooks. It was apparent the boss had probably been in a bad mood recently, but no one had heard about any major events? What exactly happened to make the boss feel so troubled? 

Lu Xiuwen didn’t care what others thought of him. His attention was all placed on Ye Ming. This day after the meeting finished, he didn’t stay much longer. He rejected the invitations from the other vice presidents, directly got in his car, and said, “Go home.”

The driver, Uncle Li, couldn’t help but sigh, and said, “President Lu, if the young master is really unwilling, then forget it and just let him leave.”

Lu Xiuwen’s complexion was a bit pale. The area under his eyes was dense with weariness. His thin lips lifted slightly and he let out a very low, self-deprecating laugh. After a moment of silence, he asked, “You also think that I should let go, right?”

Old Li had been with Lu Xiuwen for many years. He was very clear on how much Lu Xiuwen loved Ye Ming. But, Ye Ming didn’t believe Lu Xiuwen. Continuing like this wouldn’t yield any results anyway. 

He said, “I just think that you doing this isn’t a solution either.”

Lu Xiuwen closed his eyes and leaned against the backseat, arms folded across his chest. The air around him condensed, tinged faintly with pain. How could he not understand this point, not understand that continuing like this wouldn’t yield any results… how could he not know that he ought to let go.

But letting go, this kind of thing, was easier said than done.

……………… 

Ye Ming lay at home sleeping, the reincarnation of Hypnos. Although he couldn’t go out, spending all day at home sleeping very much agreed with him. As one of the modern day household gods, not going out for an entire month was nothing.

【Ye Ming: These days have really been too idle. Although I very much want to continue on like this, the blackening value stopped moving again. Ai.】

【888: The words you said in the previous life have already been whitewashed, but 10 points of his blackening value still remain.】

【Ye Ming: What can be done, Uncle is really not content. I just don’t believe that he loves me, I have to misunderstand him. Having a bit of blackening value left is very normal…】 

【888: He he….】

【Ye Ming: So, things are back to the starting point again! After whitewashing the previous life’s issues, how should I change my mind and believe in Uncle’s love~!】

【888: …】

【Ye Ming: Before I went too far, and now finding myself stairs to take down is difficult QAQ】 

【888: He he he he he he】This kind of spicy chicken was actually still alive in this world. Truly, scourges do live on for a thousand years.

【Ye Ming: How exactly should I create an opportunity for him to demonstrate his feelings QAQ】

【888: …】

Ye Ming slept until the middle of the afternoon before getting up. Even breakfast had been skipped. Wearing pajamas and slippers, he walked downstairs. Because he’d been cooped up for too long, recently his complexion wasn’t particularly good. Still so young, yet he gave off the appearance of a hollowed-out alcoholic womanizer. 

He sat in the living room for a bit, and before long, Lu Xiuwen came back.

Seeing Ye Ming, Lu Xiuwen paused his actions for a bit. Then, he walked over to sit next to him, and asked with a warm voice, “Xiao Ran, what would you like to eat today?”

Ye Ming woodenly turned his head to glance at Lu Xiuwen, his lips pale, dark eyes dull. He didn’t speak.

Lu Xiuwen looked at this expression of his. The pain he felt in his heart couldn't possibly be any greater. He drove the person he loved the most into this state. 

This meal was silent as usual. Lu Xiuwen was worried that Ye Ming would get sick from staying indoors for too long, and was prepared to take him outside for a walk nearby. The area nearby was all his private land. There weren’t many people around, so he wasn’t worried that Ye Ming might be able to escape.

But Ye Ming refused. He only looked coldly at Lu Xiuwen, and said in a hoarse voice, “I’m tired. Don’t want to move.”

After that, he turned around and went upstairs.

Lu Xiuwen was caging him and raising him just like raising a little cat or dog, right? When he went out, he locked him inside the house. When he came back, he’d take him out for a walk. He didn’t need Lu Xiuwen’s ridiculous consideration. He was a human being. 

Looking at Ye Ming’s back, Lu Xiuwen stood in place, pure exhaustion in his eyes. After a long silence, he eventually still followed him up. Ye Ming was already in bed resting.

Lu Xiuwen changed his clothes. He lay on the side, then lightly embraced Ye Ming and said, “If you don’t want to move, then don’t move.”

Ye Ming kept his eyes shut and didn’t seem to have heard him. The man’s embrace was as warm as always, and his voice was as gentle as always. It was as though the person he loved the most was him.

But it wasn’t… the person he loved wasn’t him at all. 

He was unable to escape this place. Day in and day out, he had to face this kind of torture. He was trapped by this person’s side, forever unable to forget how he’d treated him. Day after day, he was reminded of his status.

He wanted to act as though he didn’t care, but he really, really couldn’t take it anymore. What meaning did living on like this have?

Ye Ming suddenly opened his eyes. He lightly removed Lu Xiuwen’s hand, and walked into the bathroom.

He closed the door. His eyes indifferently glancing scanned the bathroom. A few days ago, he’d taken advantage of the nanny not paying attention to secretly hide a fruit knife here. No one had discovered it. At that time, he’d held onto the knife with a strong impulse to end his own life and leave this hopeless world. 

But he hadn’t been able to do it.

But now this impulse had suddenly sprouted again, growing wildly like weeds. From the crevice under the bathroom vanity, he found the knife he’d hidden. He stared at his frail wrist for a long time, looking at the blue blood vessels on it. Despair emerged from his eyes.

Slice down. Kill yourself, then you can break free from all of this.

Was there anything that couldn’t be let go of left in this world? Not anymore. You should go meet with your mom and dad. They would never treat you like this.

Lu Xiuwen had been awake from the time Ye Ming had gotten up. He originally hadn’t fallen asleep anyway, and had just pretended to be asleep… because he hadn’t wanted Ye Ming to see that he was unhappy. This child was so silent it made his heart ache. He couldn’t push him too far.

He knew that Ye Ming was in the bathroom, so he waited outside. Normally, Ye Ming would often wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom by himself and stay inside for a long time. Occasionally, there’d be muted sounds of sobbing. Lu Xiuwen hadn’t dared to open the door in fear of disturbing him.

Only this time, time seemed to pass by very slowly. Ye Ming was still inside and hadn’t come out. 

Lu Xiuwen was originally not an indecisive person. But this time, he was actually hesitating over the trivial matter of whether he should push open the door or not. He was afraid he’d agitate Ye Ming, and was worried about embarrassing him.

Lu Xiuwen waited for a while longer, but there still wasn’t any movement from inside the bathroom. Finally, his anxiety managed to prevail over everything else, so Lu Xiuwen stood up and softly knocked on the door. There was no response from inside, silent as though no one was there.

Lu Xiuwen didn’t know why, but there was an ominous premonition in his heart. At last, he pushed the door open. In the next moment, the look on his face suddenly changed.

Ye Ming lay in the bathtub, blood flowing down from his wrist, dying the entire ground red.

This scene put Lu Xiuwen in a daze, and he almost couldn’t stand straight. The whole world seemed to be collapsing bit by bit. He rushed over unsteadily, pulled off his clothes, and tightly tied them around Ye Ming’s wrists. Then, he picked him up and rushed downstairs.

In his arms, he held a fragile person who seemed as though he would disappear at any moment. Even though he was physically holding onto him, right now, he could truly feel that this person was close to disappearing from his world.

Why had he hesitated, why hadn’t he gone in earlier to take a look?

Lu Xiuwen had never hated himself so much. 

TW Summary

Ye Ming was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. The doctor said that if it’d been just a little while later, then he would’ve been beyond saving.

Lu Xiuwen stood outside the ward and lit a cigarette. Normally, he hardly ever smoked, but this time, his hand lighting the cigarette was trembling slightly. Ye Ming almost died… if he had to watch him die, then he might as well just let him live on in some corner of this world.

He understood this in his heart, but there still seemed to be a heart-gouging, bone-piercing pain. 

Lu Xiuwen took a deep breath, threw the cigarette butt into the trash can, then turned around and walked into the hospital ward.

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He wanted to spend a lifetime loving this person, taking care of this person. But, a single misunderstanding destroyed all of this.

Their mistrust was the biggest obstacle between them. 

Lu Xiuwen lowered his head, lips lightly pressing against Ye Ming’s fingers. Ye Ming’s fingers were a bit cold without much temperature, just like before when he’d been carrying him… inside Lu Xiuwen’s eyes, his grief was as deep as the sea.

At this moment, Ye Ming uttered softly, “Uncle…”

Lu Xiuwen froze, a trace of embarrassment and panic flashing in his eyes. But, when he looked over, he discovered that Ye Ming actually hadn’t woken up yet. His eyes were still closed, so he was probably sleep-talking.

Realizing this, Lu Xiuwen actually felt as though he’d survived a natural disaster. Right now, he wasn’t too sure how he should face Ye Ming. 

Fortunately, Ye Ming hadn’t woken up yet.

Lu Xiuwen replied in a hoarse voice, “I’m here.”

Ye Ming’s lips slightly moved a bit, the expression on his face seeming a bit sad, and not quite steady. “Uncle…”

“Uncle, I like you so much…” 

“Why is the person you love not me…”

When Lu Xiuwen heard these words, the rims of his eyes seemed to heat up somewhat. He said very earnestly, “The person I love is you. It’s always been you.”

I think I ought to let go now. Knowing that you still love me, I should be more than satisfied.

【Ding. Lu Xiuwen’s Blackening Value: -5. Current Blackening Value: 5】 

………………

Ye Ming woke up the next day. He slightly turned his head and saw Lu Xiuwen sitting on the sofa in the ward, his eyes closed as though he was resting. Ye Ming looked down at his wrists wrapped in gauze and sat up. He remembered that he had attempted suicide, but it looked like it obviously hadn’t been very successful. It made sense… Lu Xiuwen wouldn’t permit him to die, right? He kept even his own life or death under his control.

Lu Xiuwen slept very lightly. He heard movement and opened his eyes. His profound, dark eyes seemed to have an indescribable sense of powerlessness and bleakness. After a long time, he stood up and said, “You’re awake.”

Ye Ming’s expression didn’t change much. He only coldly watched him. 

This gaze pierced Lu Xiuwen. He thought he’d already gotten used to it, but actually, he hadn’t. He’d never be able to get used to it.

Lu Xiuwen raised his hand and glanced at his watch. The time couldn’t be considered too late. He paused a bit, then said, “Rest well.”

After speaking, he turned and walked out.

When Ye Ming was asleep, he was reluctant to leave for even a minute or a second. He only wanted to take as many final looks at this person as he could. He couldn’t remember how he’d fallen asleep last night while sitting there. He’d probably been too tired, but Ye Ming was awake… and instead, he could no longer stay. 

Actually, he should have realized it sooner. This kind of persistence was meaningless. Only, despite making up his mind, those words still wouldn’t leave his mouth. He was reluctant to until it was the very last moment.

Ye Ming stayed in the hospital for a few days. In the daytime there were always nurses looking after him. Because he’d only lost too much blood, he’d be fine after resting for a few days. It couldn’t be considered a major issue. Lu Xiuwen would only come at nighttime when Ye Ming was resting. He never appeared during the daytime.

After a few more days, the doctor finally told Lu Xiuwen that Ye Ming could be discharged from the hospital. When Lu Xiuwen received this news, he knew in his heart that it was time for all of this to come to an end. In his entire life, this was the hardest decision he’d ever made. But, he couldn’t be hesitant any longer.

He once again came to the hospital during the daytime and told Ye Ming, “You can leave the hospital now.” 

Ye Ming expressionlessly nodded. He got out of bed, about to change his clothes, when Lu Xiuwen suddenly stepped forward and said, “I’ll help you.”

He took Ye Ming’s clothes, movements gentle as he helped him change, personally buttoning up each and every button for him. He suddenly remembered that when Ye Ming had still been very young, he’d also personally taken care of him like this. At that time, he’d still been a child, and Lu Xiuwen hadn’t known that in the years to come… he’d fall in love with this child, unable to extricate himself.

He once struggled and blamed himself over this, full of anxiety and guilt, afraid that Gu Xueya would blame him…

He felt that things couldn’t be this way. 

Afterwards, sure enough, there weren’t good results.

Lu Xiuwen released his hand, looked down and said, “Let’s go.”

He walked with Ye Ming to the entrance of the hospital, one hand in his pocket, a bank card inside that he’d prepared for Ye Ming. But, Lu Xiuwen knew that Ye Ming wouldn’t accept it. This made him feel pained and vexed. How could he be at ease with letting Ye Ming leave by himself in such a state?

But even more than that, he didn’t have the heart to not allow him to leave. 

Probably because he was wavering, Lu Xiuwen’s expression looked a little solemn, the curve of his jaw rigid.

This was the first time in a long while since Ye Ming had left the cold and empty house. He stood among the bustling crowd on the main street. In front of him were people coming and going, the flow of traffic surging.

It was like returning from a hopeless, lonely prison back to the human world brimming with life, filling him with a sense of yearning.

But, he knew that all of this was about to end soon. Lu Xiuwen would take him back to that house. He’d lock him up again, leaving him unable to see the light of day, only able to live inside that tiny space. Every day he’d wait to be granted an audience, only able to stay by this one person’s side. 

He didn’t want to go back to living a life worse than death.

He didn’t want to go back.

Just ahead, the flow of traffic started up again, swiftly sweeping past Ye Ming. Ye Ming felt a sudden burst of courage that came out of nowhere, and he abruptly rushed out onto the road!

TW Summary

Lu Xiuwen’s fingers tightly clutched the bank card. He knew he needed to make a decision. No matter what, he should let Ye Ming leave first then figure out the rest later. But, before he could speak, he saw Ye Ming rush out onto the road!

At this moment, Lu Xiuwen’s heart was raised instantly. Without thinking, his body’s reaction was faster than his train of thoughts! He rushed over and grabbed Ye Ming’s wrist and yanked him back hard!

In the next moment, there was the familiar feeling of being struck. He seemed to be flying away, and was somewhat weightless. The pain came a bit slowly, and it wasn’t until he landed on the ground that he felt as though his entire body from head to toe had been shattered to pieces.

Just like in the previous life, this feeling wasn’t all that unfamiliar. 

Ye Ming sat dumbly on the ground. Lu Xiuwen had grabbed onto him and suddenly flung him back onto the side of the road. Then, he was hit by a car and sent flying. All of this seemed to happen in an instant, not giving him any chance to react.

What exactly had happened…

After the vehicle hit Lu Xiuwen, it swerved and hit the median barrier. Traffic was immediately blocked off, the people nearby rushed over, and the police and ambulance also arrived quickly.

Ye Ming looked at Lu Xiuwen who was lying in a pool of blood. He finally got up from the ground and tottered over. He reached out and touched the blood on Lu Xiuwen’s body. Suddenly, he was terrified. Would Uncle die? 

When he thought of this, his tears began to fall uncontrollably.

Why were things like this, he didn’t want things to be this way…

Lu Xiuwen hadn’t completely lost consciousness yet. He saw Ye Ming crying and instinctively wanted to reach out and help him wipe away his tears, but he couldn’t lift his hand. He had no strength left. Finally, his lips moved a bit, his voice low, “Don’t cry, it’s okay…”

Ye Ming heard Lu Xiuwen’s gentle voice. Even in this condition, he was still worried about him. Tears gushed out even more rapidly. 

It seemed that Lu Xiuwen was really helpless when Ye Ming was like this. The more he coaxed him, the more he cried. But, ignoring him and leaving him alone wasn’t something he could do either. But in the future, it would be okay. Once he was no longer by his side, he’d no longer be as troubled and sad. No one would make him cry anymore ba.

If he was fated to not have this person, then just let go.

Such a simple principle actually took him this long to understand. He was too selfish and conceited. He loved someone and always thought about using any and all means possible to obtain him, trapping him by his side… but some people really couldn’t be made to stay just because you wanted them to stay.

Just like how he was unable to make Ye Ming stay. 

Two lifetimes and a rebirth. He could only ever lose him…

So this was fate, ah.

Lu Xiuwen smiled and said, “Go, I won’t ever lock you up again… ke…” He felt that there was a bloody taste in his throat, but he still wanted to say this sentence out loud.

“Actually, just now, I just wanted… to tell you that. This child… why must you be in such a hurry.” 

So impetuous, impulsive, naive… how am I supposed to rest assured with you living alone in this world.

Lu Xiuwen felt very dejected. He had lots of exhortations, but no longer had the right to give them anymore. He couldn’t even return to the past and take care of him just as an elder would.

Lu Xiuwen’s vision gradually blurred. He watched as Ye Ming sobbed too hard to speak, and felt very apologetic in his heart. His voice became softer and softer.

“Sorry… but, you’ve never… ever been anyone’s… substitute…”