Chapter 175 - Shame

That day when Shijian the Qilin laid Ming's body on the stone bed, Ming's soul went into a journey on its own.

Ming found himself inside an endless desert with nothing but sandy dunes and meter-length tornadoes around him. Brownish sands covered his line of sight as the wind carried it. It brushed his face, leaving a stinging pain on Ming's skin. He had to pull his sleeves down, clipping the edge with his fingers while covering his face to keep the sand from touching his skin.

"Where am I?" 

Small whirlwinds as high as his waist hit him but did not do any harm as he was a wind Chiangda. As it reached him, the whirlwinds only died down, settling the sand under his clothes and feet.

He trudged, leaving footprints behind him after his foot sunk inches down in his every step. But the swirling winds would level the sand again. Leaving no trace of his footprints. 

He warily walked the desert for hours. As he looked up, the sun was still above his head and wouldn't set at all. Ming looked back and realized everything behind him was ink-black, while it was an endless mid-noon before him. 

Being here for an undetermined time, or maybe days, made his throat utterly dry. Ming thought the saliva in his mouth evaporated along with the tormenting hot winds. His lips had cracked sores. He denied himself from licking it as pain was the only outcome with a bit of iron aftertaste.

Time came and exhaustion caught him. He looked back and stared at the blackness, curious. He was getting nowhere if he continued to move forward. With a mind to test what was in the blackness, he walked back, thinking his situation might get better there than in this hot weather.

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However, as he tried to enter the blackness, his leg hit a hard wall where he couldn't pass. But what made him step back away from the blackness was the voice he heard from it.

He heard his own voice saying, "I deserve respect. I am the topnotcher in the exam, I deserve to be in the royal court. I hate the prime minister and the first prince. I hate them for hurting my wife."

These words eerily echoed in his ears like a recorder playing for him. Then the wordings changed.

"I was a fool for thinking I could control Mafan. How could I let this Mafan control over Fengfu under my watch? I am a damn fool. I killed my people. I am a murderer. I thought I'm wise, but I'm just a prideful fool."

It even played his thoughts from the time when he was still in school, where he scorned his teacher in his mind when he found out his teacher made a mistake. But in front of the good man, he only smiled like a filial student. 

Even at the time when he got angry with his mother for telling him not to go against the King's edict which appointed him as governor of Fengfu. It even crossed his mind to run away, notwithstanding the shame his clan would face.

Yet, he stayed, thinking he would prove himself worthy in Fengfu and would shame the King from sending him there. Then, the king would send for him to return and send the prime minister and first prince to their shame.

The blackness revealed his deepest secrets that even he was ashamed to admit it to himself.

Those memories were like slaps on his face. Shame. Yes, everything that played yelled at him Shame. 

He sat there unmoving as these words crowded his mind, as if time stopped for him until he had given up hope and wished to die buried under the sand and be forgotten.

As time went, he was no longer seen where he sat. A sand hill settled on it. Not even a trace left that he was there.

Then a raging tornado, one that reached the skies, swirled fast around that place and dug out all the sand on one spot, unearthing Ming.

"Heal." A woman's voice woke him. He coughed out and opened his eyes. There he lay in a deep pit, but he didn't move.

"Don't die. Not after you've saved me." The voice said.

Ming recognized the voice. It was Xinyi who was healing him at that moment.

Yet Ming didn't move. Those shameful words from the blackness replayed in his mind.

"No, I don't deserve you. You are so innocent, too kind-hearted and compassionate. I'm just a prideful detestable being. You are worthy to be with a better man than me. I only acted out of instinct when I saved you." His lips moved, but no words came out from it. 

"Even if I saved you out of love, I'm still a murderer. I murdered the good citizens of Fengfu with my pride. I didn't listen to big brother Lofey. How could I face the children after what I've done? How could I face my city's remnants after my mistakes that led their loved ones to their deaths? Just leave me alone to die."

He said those words in his mind as he closed his eyes.

Somehow, the tornado wouldn't let him. It swirled faster, lifting him from the ground, laying him on higher ground. He wanted to raise his hand to stop the wind, but he had no strength left to do so.

He heard a young girl's voice. "Master, don't die after I've found you."

Then Xinyi's voice played with that voice. Out of nowhere, more voices chimed in.

"Come back, brother." A young man's voice said. "Your pretty wife still needs you."

"Please don't die, brother." A booming voice said.

"Who are you? Why do you want me back? I've done enough in this life. Let me die in peace." Ming's lips said, but he heard nothing under his breath. Tears fell on his temples to the orifices of his ears down to the sand under his head.

Back in the cave. 

All of them said those words in their minds while sitting on the stone bed and sending their essences to Xinyi.

When Xinyi rested beside Ming, Shijian shouted. "Master, no. Don't give up."

"What do you mean, Shijian?" Xinyi hurriedly sat and asked.

"I heard my master saying something, but it was full of pain and regrets."

"Can he hear us?" Xinyi said, full of anxiety.

"I think so, but I can't clearly tell what he said, but I felt his love for you, Xinyi."

Xinyi's palms cupped her mouth and tears fell from her eyes again. She looked down at Ming. "Don't give up on us. Can you hear me? We will save you. Just you wait."

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