Aries knew all along she might die. It may not be in the hands of Joaquin, but she was also a danger to herself. She lived for the present and for revenge. The deep hatred she had for the royalty of the Maganti was what fueled her to survive.
Day by day, even during her sleep, they occupied her. They were the ones who pumped her chest so her heart could continue beating. Their rotten souls which pervaded the air were her oxygen, and their insufferable existence gave her purpose. Honestly, she didn't know what she would do if they all went down.
She lived in the present, but in the future? All she could see was darkness. She felt empty inside, unable to look forward to what life had in store for her. Because at the end of the day, the reason she lived today was for vengeance, and once she succeeded, there was nothing left for her.
Aries would go back to scratch like a painter with a blank canvass and no paint or a poet who had run out of ink. The reason the question: what would happen next once this was over? Was like a giant mystery to her. Return to Haimirich? And then, what? Rikhill? What would she do there? Was she even welcomed to that land? How about Abel and her? They might be content now but until when? The list goes on.
It was tiring. It drained her.
She had always been tired, and she knew that, but Aries chose not to address it. Instead, she would tell herself 'not now' and let the future worry about its own worries. For now, she had to focus on what was going on, and that kept her going day by day.
However, hearing her child's name being uttered from those damned lips, while Joaquin was telling her to change her hair color to a shade he was familiar with, brought her brain to a shut off for a moment. He, Joaquin, was basically telling her he wanted to marry her — not Circe, but the woman in his head.
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The empress he wanted wasn't Circe, but Aries.
The woman he wanted to start a family with was Aries, not Circe.
And the woman he was staring at at that moment was Aries.
All along, it had always been Aries. Even if he knew himself Circe and Aries were different, he wished Circe was just Aries even when their personality was poles apart.
If Circe wasn't Aries… then he would make her Aries. He would start by changing her appearance, and then it would continue with the way she talked, the way she moves, and her likes and dislikes until she would become the woman he longed for. It hadn't happened yet, but Aries already knew how it would go.
He would make her live that sort of life once again. He would force her to become that version of Aries she loathed more than the Imperials.
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How sick was that?
Joaquin might succeed or fail in his plans with all the people lurking in the dark. However, just the sheer thought Joaquin was still delusional regarding this matter and wished to recreate the most haunting and darkest time of her life made her sick to her stomach.
How dare he?
How dare he consider those times as the most beautiful time of his life when they were the ones she sincerely wanted to erase in her head? How dare he think Bean was someone he could replace so easily? That his death was still a mere accident? Just what would it take him to at least take responsibility for her child's death?
If only he could acknowledge he killed her baby and say sorry… maybe it would be less painful. But she wouldn't know that, since Joaquin would never acknowledge it.
And he made it clear to her when he mentioned Bean.
"Let's dye it green, Circe. Dye your hair green on our second wedding. It's also better to put less powder on your face because I'm afraid it won't be good for Bean's health." Joaquin smiled and rested his forehead against hers, still cupping her face with both his hands. "I love you, my love."
'Stop…'
"I will give you everything you want. For you and our child… I will make you happy," he continued. "I will clean Maganti for you. It will be a safe place for you and Bean and our children. I had more plans for the both of us, my love. More plans… for you, for our children, for our family."
'Stop…' she whispered in her head once again as she felt his neck carefully. '… stop it, Aries. You know what will happen if you snap now. Not now, Aries. Not now.'
It would be better if she just snapped now, like how she imagined herself doing. She would be at peace if she went on a series of outbursts, confessing everything, and confronting the crown prince before watching him with pleasure while she kill herself.
That would be a sight to behold. Watch Joaquin lose the woman he so loved and cherished. It would be fun to see him realize she would rather die than choose him. But… there was also a man, who was probably too busy preparing for his wedding and see himself standing at the altar while waiting for her.
? Knowing Abel, he would stand at the altar for years until she comes. Aries couldn't just jilt him after finally saying 'yes' to his habitual marriage proposal.
That man… that crazy man would wait for her even if he heard she was dead. He would stay there in his white formal suit, eyes on the shut doors of the chapel, despite knowing she was already buried six feet under. And once he finally moved from that altar, it wouldn't be an exaggeration if he ordered someone to excavate her grave only to lie in her coffin while hugging her bones.
What crazy decisions Abel would come up with once she was gone worried her, knowing his world would stop with her death.
"Alright." Aries smiled as Joaquin retracted his forehead from hers. She raised her hand and cupped his cheek, staring at the man she loathed until his appearance changed to the only person who mattered to her.
"Let's do that," she whispered the words she failed to confess in 'his' presence. "I would be very happy to start anew with you…"
'… Abel. Once this was over, let me hear you play the piano as promised.'