CH 17.1

‘This emotion isn’t mine.’

“It’s not mine. It’s not mine. It’s not mine,” Grace repeated to herself, trying to convince and make herself understand. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be able to escape from it.

If she got swallowed up by this terrible emotion again, she would be submerged in a swamp, unable to make any sound.

Just a moment ago, she felt great, but now it felt like a heavy burden was placed on her again. It felt like the previous moment was just a dream.

‘Let’s return quickly.’

Grace was confident that she could separate herself from this emotion when she slept and woke up. 

The road was confusing in the dark. It might be a completely different road from the one during the day. Maybe the road moved by itself when it turned from day to night. Grace concluded that this was a silly thought.

There seemed to be more people. No, there were definitely more people.

Her stomach churned.

There weren’t this many people in the mansion.

It was fine when she greeted customers during the day, and it was also fine when she was with Benjamin in the morning.

‘Why now?’

Why is it churning now…?

Churning, and what else? Grace couldn’t find the next word. Churning and then what else was there to describe that feeling? She couldn’t think of a suitable word to express it. Was it always like this? Was she always bad at describing her own feelings? Was she unable to recall the words she wanted to say?

She couldn’t remember that either.

This emotion was both unfamiliar and familiar to Grace. It was contradictory.

Her slow and unsteady steps eventually froze. It was as if a giant shadow cast by the beautiful lights of a festival was holding her tightly.

She became an obstacle on the busy street, and she could hear the sound of people getting annoyed.

The sharp sound made Grace even more discouraged.

“Hey! Move!”

She smelled alcohol from behind. An old man roughly pushed Grace.

“Ugh…!”

She tried to regain her balance, but her body leaned forward, and her hood fell off, revealing her face.

Soon, a dull sound echoed.

She should have gotten up right away, but the pain spreading throughout her body made her unable to do anything.

“…What?”

The drunk man looked down at Grace and sneered.

“I thought it was some kind of statue that fell!”

The man’s mocking voice could be heard saying, ‘Why is there such a loud noise when a woman falls?’

Grace’s body stiffened at the sudden criticism, even though she had done nothing wrong.

“She’s so big, I couldn’t even avoid hitting her!”

It was the man who was walking staggeringly in the first place.

But Grace couldn’t say anything.

The pride she felt in dressing up for the festival today and the satisfaction of the clothes having extra room were all gone.

The man was clearly drunk, and without any shame, he spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear about his actions.

“I wouldn’t even be surprised if an earthquake happened! Hahaha!”

“….”

Grace’s insides trembled with unease. She wanted to run away, but she couldn’t even lift her body.

‘I can’t breathe.’

She heard a ringing in her ears.

Through her disheveled hair, she saw other people looking at her with embarrassment, but no one stepped forward to help her.

Instead, some people seemed to be laughing as if they found it amusing.

“…M-mask.”

Only then did Grace realize that she wasn’t wearing a mask.

Normally, one would flip their hood over their head, but Grace didn’t even think of that and just bowed her head.

She felt as if something heavy was pulling her down to the ground.

In fact, Grace’s body wasn’t particularly heavy. 

Compared to others, she had a bit more flesh on her bones, but whenever she fell, the ground would shake.

Moreover, her appearance couldn’t be a reason for ridicule.

She knew this fact well, but now she couldn’t refute anything.

All she could do was crouch down a little to escape the gaze of others.

She heard laughter in her ears.

It was not only the man who was drunk and spewing all sorts of vulgarities but also the similar ringing in Grace’s head that often occurred.

The fullness that had been filling Grace until just now had bottomed out, and everything began to devour her.

In Grace’s mind, many voices that she, or rather the original Grace, had experienced, passed by.

“Where did you come from? Why are you different from the other siblings?”

“Looks like something’s on your face~ It’s dirty!”

“Stop eating so much. That’s why you’re so big.”

“You’re not welcome here. What good is having a sister? We can’t even share clothes.”

‘S-Stop it.’