CH 150.2

translator: xiin

This was why Song Xuanhe hadn’t had any doubts that he would return to his own world at the beginning. 

But with the passage of time, what he’d firmly believed in and insisted on holding onto began to shake. After that dream, he even started to think, would his parents be disappointed in him if he broke his promise to them? Or would they understand and bless him, because although he’d failed to do that last expectation they had of him, he’d done the other one he’d always thought that he might never be able to do––have the ability to love, and be loved.

Song Xuanhe was very much at a loss. He didn’t know whether ‘revisiting the path his parents had travelled’ was more in line with his parents’ expectations, or ‘the ability to love and be loved’ was more important.

These days, he’d been struggling with these two choices all the time. However, when he saw the door, he suddenly remembered what his mother had said to him when he was a child. He’d told his mother that he liked the kite very much, so he didn’t want to share it with others.

“Since baby loves the kite so much, then will you take good care of it?” 

He naturally answered that he would.

His mother grew serious, then said to him, “Xuanhe, liking is a very serious and important thing. You can be interested in painting, and then put down your brush after a few days. You can be interested in model aircraft, then leave it on the shelf after a few days, but you can’t say that you like it.”

“Liking something is an expression of your love for a person or a thing, which means that you’re willing to give up many things to firmly protect the love you have. Are you willing to give up your model plane, tank, and car for this kite?”

Perhaps he’d been frightened by his mother’s serious expression, but he thought for a long time and finally replied, “No.”

“Then, you can’t say that you like it. Baby, it’s very normal for you not to know what love is now. Mom just wants to tell you that if one day you meet a love you’re willing to give up a lot of things for, regardless of whether it’s a person or a thing, you must stick to it. Because only when you stick to it can you get love.”

“You know what? Baby, if you can find the things or people you love, then you’ll become a great person. Mom hopes that you can become such a person, but you don’t need to look for it to satisfy mom’s expectations, because it’s your life.”

This segment of memory was really long. It was so long that when Song Xuanhe finished recalling the entire memory, the speed at which his eyes grew red was a farcry from the speed at which he turned around.

At this moment, he suddenly thought through some of the problems he’d been struggling with before. Compared with wanting him to travel the roads that they had travelled through once again, his parents may want to see him find a lover who he could be with for his whole life more, because they always hoped that they could bravely decide on his own life, rather than fulfil their expectations for him. 

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“Even if you’re sure, are you sure that you will be together forever?”

“There is no precedent for same-sex partners in the Xiao Family, nor will they make an exception for you. Those relatives still live by the old rules. In order to maintain old school tradition, they’re willing to ignore or overlook many things. Can you guarantee that your persistence will protect your lover?”

“Xiao Yuanmu, you’re still too young. Do you think that because you can protect him for a while, you can protect him for a lifetime?”

“Once anything happens to you, Song Xuanhe, who has caused you to be unable to leave any direct descendants for the Xiao Family, will become the target of public criticism. I’m very clear about the dispute between you and your brother. He failed due to his incompetence, but he’s still part of the Xiao Family. To tell you the truth, I had expected this, so I’m not disappointed that you treated him that way. However, you are digging out your heart and lungs for a man you aren’t even sure really loves you, just stopping short of taking out your weakness and showing it to the world. This is what makes me really disappointed.” 

“Xiao Yuanmu, I’m your father. Even if we haven’t spent much time getting along together, I understand you very well because you’re very much like me. Ask yourself, do you really think Song Xuanhe loves you as much as you love him? If so, then why do you keep guard around him so carefully, as though you’re afraid that he’ll run away?”

Xiao Lin’s questions came one after another. Xiao Yuanmu didn’t reply to any of them, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel any fluctuations at the bottom of his heart.

It wasn’t because what Xiao Lin had said had made him feel that Song Xuanhe didn’t love him, but because he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to protect him.

Xiao Yuanmu looked down at his trembling hand, and black fog shrouded the bottom of his eyes, shadows covering up the light in his gaze. 

Xiao Lin had said many thing wrong, but he’d been right about one thing––If anything happened to him, then Song Xuanhe would definitely become the target of public criticism.

But even if so, he also…

The footsteps that were growing more distant suddenly stopped, and it was as though the pause button had been pressed against the mixed, gloomy ideas that drifted in Xiao Yuanmu’s mind as he stood there in the quiet study. He put down his raised hand, his slender eyelashes trembling slightly as he waited for some sort of sound that would restore all this back to its original track.

It was unknown how long it took. Maybe it was a few seconds, or maybe a few minutes, or even longer, before Xiao Yuanmu heard footsteps moving over the wooden floor. The clicking shuffling sound made him hold his breath. 

“Xiao Yuanmu.” Song Xuanhe’s clear voice sounded out, and Xiao Yuanmu subconsciously stood up straighter. He continued, “Did your father say something to you that made you a bit sad now?”

The corners of Xiao Yuanmu’s mouth pursed slightly. He shook the hand that hung by his side slightly, but didn’t speak.

“Didn’t you say that nothing I do would make you sad?” Song Xuanhe stepped closer, standing half a step away from Xiao Yuanmu. He looked at his back, “If you want to be alone, but I don’t want you to stay her on your own, will you be sad?”

Xiao Yuanmu clenched his trembling hands into fists and replied in a hoarse voice, “No.” 

“Then, will you be unhappy or angry with me?”

“No.”

“What if I hug you?” Song Xuanhe stepped forward and hugged him from behind, “Will you drive me away?”

Xiao Yuanmu quivered and only answered a few seconds later, “No.” 

“Not now, or never?”

Song Xuanhe’s chin pressed softly against his shoulder blade. His chin shifted slightly as he spoke, and the tremor spread up along his spine, traveling everywhere along his blood and bones.

“…… Forever.”

Song Xuanhe laughed briefly, then hugged him tightly, “In that case, just act like I don’t exist and continue being alone.” 

The hand Xiao Yuanmu had by his side rose up a little, and then he let it drop again without a trace. After that, he let out a slight sound of acknowledgement.

Song Xuanhe hugged him from behind just like that and remained quiet, saying nothing as he accompanied him.

Xiao Yuanmu stood by the window and suddenly discovered that looking down at the street below alone was completely different from looking down at the street with someone hugging him from behind.

The pedestrians moving back and forth changed from being noisy and messy to lively, and the old fountain in Central Park reflected the lights, appearing beautiful and warm. The Y City scene in front of him changed from boring and dull to being beautiful everywhere. 

Warm body temperature transmitted over from the person behind him, making Xiao Yuanmu feel very greedy. The shadow at the bottom of his heart was dispelled little by little, but he was reluctant to let Song Xuanhe go. He just wanted to maintain this position for as long as he could.

There had never been a moment where Xiao Yuanmu could feel Song Xuanhe’s love from him through the peace and quiet in front of him.

Xiao Lin had asked him whether Song Xuanhe loved him back as much as he loved him.

Xiao Yuanmu hadn’t felt stung by his words because he’d never felt that people could only be together if they felt the same amount of love. Whether he loved Song Xuanhe more, or Song Xuanhe loved him more had never been a problem, because it was enough for him to know that they loved each other. He would be greedy if he pursued more. 

Greed would never come to a good ending. This was what Xiao Yuanmu had learned even before his first rebirth, and he wouldn’t do worse than before after his second rebirth.

However, from the moment Song Xuanhe hugged him, he suddenly felt that sometimes, there might be nothing wrong with being greedy.

For example, right now, there was no need for anything to be said, yet he knew that Song Xuanhe loved him.

Compared with Xiao Lin’s assumptions that he used to fight psychological warfare with, the companionship he felt at this moment was more important than anything else. 

It was just that he was suddenly not so certain about whether or not he could accompany Song Xuanhe for as long as he wanted.