Book 5: Chapter 32: Freedom’s Call

Book 5: Chapter 32: Freedom’s Call

Sen pushed open the door to galehouse and looked around. He did that every time he came into the place. He knew that he was looking for changes, but it was a fruitless little bit of paranoia. The interior of the galehouse never changed. Still, it soothed some small part of his heart to find the place as hed left it, even if hed only left it for a few days. The tedious weeks of crafting failed variations on the healing pill had left Fu Ruolan stumped. Sen had pounced on that moment when the womans imagination failed her and suggested that he take a few days off to replenish what he could of his own plant and reagent stores. She had given him one of those narrow-eyed, lips-pursed expressions that Sen was sure that all women learned as babies. It was the look that said she knew exactly what he was doing. In the end, though, she had conceded that it was a practical use of his time since she wasnt sure what they should do next.

It had been such a moment of relief for him that he hadnt hidden the fact well enough in his expression. It had only been on her face for a blink, but Sen could see that hed hurt Fu Ruolans feelings with his eagerness to be away for a few days. That had soured his mood because it wasnt her, specifically, that he wanted to get away from. It was the constant failure. Hed wanted to go out and harvest plants because it was necessary, true, but also because it was something at which he could succeed. When hed been endlessly testing different patterns to cycle qi, part of what made it endurable was that hed done it alone. Hed been the only one to witness his failure. Hed thought it would be the same working with Fu Ruolan, but it wasnt. Having a witness to all those botched attempts made them cut a little deeper. If it had only been a few or if there had been occasional glimmers of progress, he could have just shrugged it off. With the defeats at the hands of pill refining soaring up to the dozens and then more than a hundred with no progress at all, it had weighed on him. It had been a death of a thousand small cuts for his confidence in alchemy.

While confidence wasnt a central element in success, it played a role. Second guessing a choice at a crucial moment could make the difference between crafting an adequate elixir or a superior elixir. In the worst-case scenario, it meant the difference between making something that worked and making useful plants and reagents into useless garbage. Sen didnt think that anyone could rightly be blamed for wanting an escape from something that only ever ended in that garbage-producing option. Yet, it didnt change the fact that the relief in his expression hadnt come with that convenient explanation attached. All Fu Ruolan had seen was that she said he could go away from her, and he looked relieved. It was a bad assumption on her part, but it was also an understandable one.

He would have explained it then and there, but hed spent enough time around people to understand that she wasnt in the mood to hear it. So, he had taken his leave and ventured out into the wilds. Hed invited Falling Leaf to come, and shed declined to make the brief trip with him. Hed been a tiny bit surprised by that, but shed lost that almost obsessive protectiveness shed had when hed been dying right in front of her. While he thought that it was probably a good thing, hed have liked her company. And, shed made a good point at the time.

What would I do? Watch you dig up plants? Ive seen you do that before.

I might get in trouble, hed said.

Shed laughed at that. In what way? The last time you got in trouble you killed a dragon. I think youd have finished that fight faster if I wasnt there.

Sen shook his head. More help in a fight is never a bad thing. I might have finished them off by myself, but it wouldnt have been faster.

If you say so, she said.

The look she gave him said how very much she doubted those words, but that she appreciated hed said them. Once hed gotten out into the wilds by himself, though, he found that there was a value in going by himself. It returned a level of control over his life that had been missing for a long time. He could move at the exact pace that he wanted without giving any thought to how fast anyone else could move. Granted, Falling Leaf could keep up with him, but she couldnt do it indefinitely. His qi stores were deeper and, he suspected, that his techniques were more efficient. Sen didnt always concern himself with efficiency. There were times in combat when speed trumped efficiency. When not under combat conditions, he made a conscious effort to refine his techniques. Before his body had started to betray him, that constant striving for efficiency had served him very well. Hed been able to make small improvements on a fairly regular basis.

Her expression went abruptly neutral. I have.

I thought I had as well. Except, I hadnt. Not really. I failed, but I progressed. I saw where I was making mistakes, or had it pointed out to me, and I improved. I was never just stuck. Not like I have been with pill refining. Until now, if I worked hard enough, strove hard enough, I could master what has been set before me. Ive worked as hard at pill refining as Ive ever worked at anything, and Ive gotten nowhere. Those weeks of trying to figure out what was wrong ate me alive. When the chance came to escape all of that failure, I couldnt wait to get away from it. I just needed to do something, anything, where there was the possibility of success. The point is, I wasnt eager to get away from you. I was eager to get away from that relentless pit of defeat. I dont know if that makes sense. Its the best way I know how to explain it.

Fu Ruolan sat there in motionless silence for most of a minute. Sen wondered if he should just go and let her decide when to pick up the conversation. Before he could commit one way or the other, she shook herself a little.

I see, she said. I do understand that feeling. That hopelessness. It can consume you if you let it.

Sen nodded along. He was just happy that she seemed to understand. He very much did not want her angry with him. That would only slow down any possibility of future progress. Plus, alchemy involved a lot of potentially lethal combinations. He didnt think shed kill him, but she could make him horribly sick without trying very hard just by exposing him to certain kinds of plants or mixtures. Even with his status as a core cultivator and body cultivator, it was a real possibility. Ready to call it a win, Sen was shocked when she continued.

I may have made certain unkind assumptions about you. I Im sorry about that.

Sen floundered for a response to that apology and finally just said something to fill the hole it had left in the air.

Its fine. So, no hard feelings?

She gave him something that could have been a smile. No hard feelings.

Good. Because I have something for you.

While the shriek of delight that Fu Ruolan let out at the sight of the lotus left Sen half-deaf, he decided that definitely counted as a win.