Book 5: Chapter 39: Take the Pill

Book 5: Chapter 39: Take the Pill

It was, much to Sens deep disappointment, pain that woke him from the warm depths of dreamless sleep. It wasnt just regular pain, though. Hed learned to cope with garden variety pain years before, ignoring it the way a horse would ignore a single ant on the ground before it. This was something else, something more profound. It was pain that throbbed, that stabbed, and twisted in the deepest parts of him. He felt it in the marrow of his bones, in the tissues of organs, he felt it in his blood. He remembered this pain. Too soon, he thought desperately. Its too soon for this. It had taken him months and months of slow, steady deterioration to reach this place of agony the last time. That slow descent had given him time to adapt and learn to wall off the desperate howling of his body as it ate itself alive. He hadnt been this far gone when hed been making that last pill. He wondered if he had truly completed it or if that was a fragment of some fever dream hed been in. He was fairly sure hed finished. An image of a red glowing pill at the bottom of his cauldron had the kind of firmness he associated with things hed seen in the real world, but he wasnt sure.

Not that it mattered at the moment. While concerns floated at the edge of his consciousness, it was the pain that occupied the majority of his thoughts. It pressed itself into every thought, as inescapable and irrefutable as an oncoming tsunami. He reminded himself between gasping breaths that he had found a way to function with this kind of pain once before. He had done it once. He could do it again. It was slow work. He had to find something to anchor himself or risk being washed away and lost forever in a sea of torment. He latched on to the image of a jian. In his minds eye, he drove that weapon, that symbol of strength, solidity, and purpose into the bedrock of self. He clung to it. Let that strength, solidity, and purpose imbue him, and uplift him.

With a roar that only happened inside his own mind, he pushed the pain away. It was a tiny little bubble of control in the center of his consciousness, but it existed. He had a place where he could think and reason. It was the tiniest bit of progress, but it provided him with a foundation he could build on. He could feel the pain on the outside of that bubble. Feel the pressure of it trying to collapse his minuscule sphere of control. He took heaving breaths in this one place where soul-shivering suffering was not the order of the day. Then, that moment of respite all he would allow himself, he sat down and began the arduous process of expanding that sphere of control. He didnt have any illusion that he could ignore the pain completely. Pain existed for a reason. It was part of the natural order. As such, neither the body nor the mind was designed to dismiss it outright. If people could do that, they would, and continue to do so right up until the moment the problem killed them. Nature would never allow for anything so suicidally stupid.

No, he knew that he couldnt push the pain away entirely. He could find a balance with it, though. Blunt it enough that he could do what needed to be done. That balance was his goal. He set his will against the pain and pushed. That sphere of control trembled, threatened to buckle, but it held. He kept up the outward pressure and slowly, so very slowly, the sphere of control expanded. At first, it was everything he could do to reclaim territory inside his mind. Bit by bit, though, he remembered how it had felt the last time, the sensation of keeping the pain at bay. He tried to recall that feeling, emulated it, and let it suffuse his consciousness. Almost grudgingly, the overwhelming sense of pain receded. It didnt vanish, but it retreated enough that Sen could function again.

He took stock of himself. He wasnt as far gone as he had been when theyd first encountered Fu Ruolan. Unfortunately, that situation didnt seem likely to last. He didnt know how long hed slept, but Sen didnt think it could have been for that long. It seemed that Fu Ruolans prediction that the symptoms would bounce back fast had been all too accurate. It wouldnt be long now before hed be back at the point of no return. He forced his eyes open, pretended that the light from the nearby candle didnt bother him, and sat up. Someone had moved him from the alchemy lab to his bedroom. It probably hadnt made much difference in his condition, but theyd at least tried to make him more comfortable. He sat up and took deep breaths as old familiar pains racked his joints and limbs. They were distant and, individually, he could probably have just powered through them. Except, they were everywhere inside of him. There was nothing that didnt hurt. The sheer accumulation of pain meant that, even with that mental distance, a lot of it still bled through.

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It took Sen a lot longer than he would have liked to dress himself and step out into the common area of the galehouse. Fu Ruolan and Falling Leaf sat at the table, talking quietly. When he came out of his room through, they turned to give him speculative, concerned looks. He wanted to brush those off, but it was probably too late for that.

How are you? asked Fu Ruolan.

He beat back the urge to downplay his condition. Underselling it wouldnt do him any good.

Bad, he said. But we all knew that was coming.

Ill need the manual. I have to make the next pill for my body cultivation.

Fu Ruolan didnt say anything for so long that Sen felt a cold sweat break out across his body. Terrible thoughts crashed around inside his head, threatening the sphere of control that kept the pain at bay. Had she been lying to him this whole time? Did she not actually have the manual? Was she going to keep it from him? Hed never actually confirmed that she had it. Shed said she did. Hed just assumed that she was telling the truth, but he hadnt demanded to see it. You didnt make demands like that of nascent soul cultivators if you enjoyed being alive. Before he spiraled into a complete mental breakdown, she shook her head.

I thought you put it together already. That pill you made before you collapsed is the pill for your body cultivation. Which isnt to say that I think you should take it. I wasnt joking when I said its frighteningly powerful. I cant tell you what to do, but Id try to make a lesser version of it. Taking that pill as you are now, its an even bet that you dont survive it.

Sen digested that in silence. He supposed it was obvious in hindsight. If it had just been part of the training cycle, why not put the recipe in the primer? Hed thought that she wanted that last pill for herself, but he didnt think shed ever said it was specifically for her use. Shed just told him that she wanted it and let him do whatever he wanted with that information. Hed drawn wrong conclusions. All things considered, though, it was probably better that he hadnt known. Knowing would have made him overly cautious. He would probably have fumbled the pill refining and, considering his present condition, that lost time might have proven fatal.

I dont have the time to try again. It took me nearly twenty-four hours to make that pill the first time, and I was in better shape then. I dont think I could complete it now. If I failed, lost another day to sleep he trailed off.

Take the pill, said Falling Leaf.

Fu Ruolan started to object, but a swift and murderous look from Falling Leaf shut that down immediately. Falling Leaf looked at Sen again.

Take the pill. You will survive.

There was no second-guessing in her tone. The only thing he could see in her was bedrock certainty. If she was putting on a show, it was a very, very good show. He wanted to believe he would survive. His lack of faith eroded his confidence, so he borrowed hers. It was enough.

Nodding, Sen said, Breakfast first. Im hungry. If Im going to face down death, I should do it on a full stomach.