Chapter 314 313. I Don't Deserve You.

The academy was filled with a festive vibe, with many different holographic screens adorning the place for different needs. The curious people were being shown around by the staff and the cadets, and while many of them received and welcomed their own parents before showing them around, many cadets were bickering with their parents, saying that it was embarrassing to see them act like that. Even though Eshwar's expression indicated that he wanted to punch them in their faces hard, he held back as much as possible while even getting impressed by his own tolerance.

'I can't believe he became so cute.' Isha thought while observing and walking next to Eshwar.

"Oh!" Suddenly, Eshwar's face brightened as he received some kind of enlightenment.

'His mind is as wander-y as ever, I guess.' She thought with a smile on her face. But still, curious to what he just realised, Isha tapped on his shoulder twice and danced her brows up and down, asking him what it was that he just realised. Instead of speaking out loud with a smile on his face, he closed his eyes and

"!!!" Isha's pupils dilated in shock; she wasn't able to feel Eshwar's presence even though he was right in front of her.

Unable to hold her curiosity, she decided to voice it: "What did you do?" She said that if she was going to learn something this amazing, she wouldn't shy away from it.

"Hehehe~" Eshwar chuckled in a prideful manner before opening his mouth to answer her question.

"Mana sense, or any other kind of sense, we use to sense our surroundings, correct?" Eshwar asked and received a nod of the obvious in response.

"Meaning, we are sensing the mana signatures and fluctuations of the person in question." Eshwar said, and Isha stared at him with a blank look on her face because, even though it was simple to understand, it was extremely obvious, so she couldn't understand what kind of enlightenment he just had.

"Yes, that's right." She answered, deciding to play along for now.

"And not the person himself." Eshwar said, and it was extremely obvious and easy to understand for those who experienced using their senses first-hand, that, as he said, one would sense the mana signatures or the fluctuations of the person in question and act accordingly, while the person in question himself is ignored.

"What would happen if a mana-less person approached you with the intent to kill?" Eshwar asked.

"Then I will sense his killing intent and react accordingly." Isha answered with a frown, understanding yet not understanding where the topic was going.

"The theory you just said is only applicable to those who haven't been trained. What if the person in question is extremely trained and is able to hide his presence and intent? You wouldn't be able to perceive it because there weren't any mana fluctuations you could sense. Just like the current me, who has no mana, the only way to sense my presence is because I, myself, am not hiding it. Why? Because I don't know how. I have always concealed my presence with mana or whatever power I had in my arsenal; I didn't have to worry about someone sensing me because I was a lot stronger than them, due to which they wouldn't be able to sense me even if they tried. But now it's different; I'm weaker; anybody can sense my presence and gauge my strength, regardless of my will to hide it." Eshwar explained, though it made sense, it didn't make any sense all that much.

"You were able to sense my presence because I previously didn't know how to hide my presence without mana, because all living beings in existence have mana. Except for two: the current me and my novel's protagonist." Eshwar said it with a smile.

"What use is it to me?" Isha asked, and she could tell from the way he explained it that he wanted her to do the same, but since she was a being whose mana and divinity had merged, she didn't really know how to do what Eshwar could.

"Hide your presence. The "divine mana" you have is something that belongs to you, so no one should be able to sense you if you hide yourself. With the divine mana being yours, it will hide itself if you hide yourself." Eshwar said, and even though she understood his explanation,

'Did he just name my... "divine mana?" As uncreative as it sounds, it is usable.' Isha thought inwardly, ignoring that topic. Isha decided to try what Eshwar just explained, and as if to motivate Isha to try harder,

"Your presence is easily felt by the gods, because at present you are as weak as you are strong, and you know it. Who knows what your enemies are plotting? Isn't it better if you could hide yourself and get stronger than to feel your effort was wasted when you fight them?" Eshwar asked, and flinching at his words, Isha tried to dig deeper into herself, ignoring her divine mana.

In her consciousness, she floated in a pitch-black space that had star-like glimmering particles all around. She closed her eyes, imagining herself as she would look under her senses, and it wasn't long before she opened her eyes and found a black-dyed figure in front of her, which had a humongous amount of golden-coloured, ominous divinity surrounding her, like an ant that was in the middle of a blazing campfire.

'That pitch-black dyed figure is me? And isn't divinity supposed to be soothing? Why is my divinity ominous?' Isha pondered, looking at herself through her own senses.

"Well, it's quite good that the intelligent beings of this world are weaker, or else they would have been scared sh*tless." Isha mumbled.

"I wonder what Eshwar's presence feels like." She mumbled.

"Answering both of your nonsensical thoughts, first, the intelligent beings of this world aren't weaker; you are just absurdly strong; you are a goddess, remember? And I can try to get in, not hiding my presence from you, if you will allow me to enter your consciousness." Eshwar's voice resounded throughout her consciousness, making her flinch slightly.

"Am I speaking out loud?" Isha mumbled.

"Yep, in a whisper." Eshwar's voice resounded again.

"....."

"....."

".... Well, I'm curious so see if you can get in." Isha mumbled.

ZAP-!

'Whoa! What was that? Why was I dragged here? Guh, I just remembered that annoying experience of being dragged around into different spaces, god f**king dammit. Ah, f**k those gods! From what my other, original self said, I don't even want to use the word "god," even for cursing. But the curse, "God f**king dammit," is kind of... like it just rolls off the tongue, you know what I mean? Like-' Eshwar's nonstop thoughts sounded in Isha's consciousness, sighing at his wandering mind,

'Stop thinking so much!' She yelled in her consciousness.

'.... you can hear my thoughts?' Eshwar asked in bewilderment.

'Yes, and aren't you supposed to be indifferent now? Why is your mind so chaotic?' She asked.

'Well, you can think of it as I missed my chaotic mind, and that silence when I'm not with you kind of scared me; just the thought of losing all my emotions was a bit... terrifying. As much as I too don't like that my mind is chaotic, I can't help it, I'll show you how it is when I'm not speaking to myself inwardly.' Eshwar explained.

'.....'

'.....'

'...'

'.... Eshwar?' Isha called out after finding the silence a bit ominous.

'Yes?' Eshwar's thoughts sounded, and nothing except for those sounded again.

'Why aren't you thinking anything?' Isha asked cautiously.

'Because there isn't anything to think about. Nothing's worth it.' Eshwar's thoughts sounded again, and that thought terrified her.

'What do you think about me?' Isha asked, because she understood that one's inner thoughts could never lie.

'Isha, you are the reason for my existence-' Eshwar's thoughts sounded, making her feel warm around her heart at how there wasn't a single hesitation in that thought, but it was cut short.

'Hello.' Eshwar's voice sounded again, but this time it was extremely different, filled with melancholy. As soon as Isha heard the thought of "his," she felt a painful clench around her heart. She knew nothing about him, yet she knew everything there was ever to define him.

'Eshwar....' Isha called out, and extremely melancholic and satisfied emotions filled her entire consciousness, and she knew it wasn't her feeling those feelings.

'.... Yes?' With a painful gulp, Eshwar asked.

She felt extremely guilty and disdainful towards herself for the next thoughts that appeared in her consciousness: 'Where is the.... other Eshwar?' Isha asked and felt a wave of hurt and despair sweep past her consciousness, which made her feel hurt for asking that question.

'H-he is there; pardon my intrusion.' The original Eshwar said with a melancholic hollow chuckle.

'N-no, that's not-' Isha tried to clarify herself with a pained heart, but Eshwar cut her short.

'I just heard an interesting conversation and thought of expressing my thoughts too.' Eshwar said, and everything in her sight turned white.

'!!!!' Startled by the phenomenon, Isha looked around before raising her head to look up and found a horned, faceless face gazing down at her, with his horns bent in an unnatural manner, creating an incomplete halo on his head, and out of her pure godly instinct, her cursed eyes activated on themselves.

A hysterical hollowness covered—no, devoured—the gigantic figure in front of her. Similar to what she saw herself under the influence of her senses, she could see that the gigantic figure was covered in a blazing ominous divinity that was fuelled by his pitch-black killing intent, towering over him. The divinity was a lot denser and fiercer, like how a divinity should never be.

Yet,

She didn't feel even an ounce of fear from the being in front of her, while her entire consciousness was overwhelmed with her own guilt and pity for the figure in front of her.

She knew that the figure in front of her wouldn't like what she was about to say, but still she thought, 'Please, please just leave me and be happy-' As soon as her thoughts sounded, the figure in front of her shrank, similar to her size.

'Isha, the size you are in here right now is humongous on the outside world, and you can turn into something like that if you wish, and the gigantic figure in front of you just now is how humongous I originally am.' Eshwar said, Isha didn't even know why he was saying that right now, but she nodded her head in understanding.

'Eshwar! Please leave me and be happ-' Isha yelled at him, trying to make him understand.

'Isha! Ask me to die, which is simple, and I would do so without hesitation because you asked for it, but don't ask the impossible from me.' Eshwar spoke and held her hands, gently tightening his grip before kissing her knuckles. Just hearing his words made her consciousness drown in sorrow.

'Haaa....' And a sigh escaped his lips as if all those years he spent dying, fighting, and despairing were worth it just by holding her hand, as an extreme sense of happiness washed over her consciousness.

'You know, if I had to do everything all over again, just to hold your hands, I would do it without hesitation.' Eshwar spoke truthfully and disappeared from her consciousness.

'B-but I'm not worth it.' Isha thought, then broke down inwardly. She couldn't even imagine how much pain he had been through just for her, who did nothing for him except love him for two decades.

'Why are you going so far for me? I don't even know if I deserve you...' She thought while sobbing uncontrollably.

"Isha!" With a violent jolt, she snapped back into reality and turned to look at Eshwar, who was staring at her with a worried and concerned gaze.

"Isha! Are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened? I was suddenly kicked out of your consciousness. Are you okay? Why are you crying?" He expressed his concerns.

Looking around, Isha noticed that they were around the academy reception's corner, where not a lot of people roam, thinking that it might have been Eshwar, no, she was sure that Eshwar was the one who brought her there, so instead of answering his concerns, she walked towards him weakly; both of them knelt on the ground as she hugged him, trembling.

"Eshwar.... do I deserve you?" She mumbled, sniffling and hiccupping in his chest.

"Isha...." Eshwar called out in a melancholy tone and hugged her gently.

"It is me who wants to ask that question." Eshwar said, burying his head in her neck.

"I don't know how fortunate I feel to have you in my life. Though I don't like my original self, one bit, I respect him extremely for the steps he took. While I can enjoy everything due to not remembering anything, he can't do the same, even though he did everything just so that he could hold your hand again. But for you, I can't give up without a fight, even if it's for my own, original self." Eshwar said in a whisper, and Isha could see many people walking towards them to call them out, but ignoring them and looking at their moods—even though they were getting weird gazes, they didn't mind it one bit—Eshwar enjoyed her warmth while Isha buried herself in his chest in guilt, feeling extremely weak for the first time since ever.

'I really do not think I ever did something that I would even dare to deserve someone like you.' Isha thought and began to sob aloud, surprising Eshwar and the other looking at them. They wanted to do something maybe because they thought Eshwar was bullying Isha but looking at how tightly Isha had clenched his clothes, they understood that that wasn't the case and left them alone.