Chapter 161 - The One I needed was..

With these hands of hers, how many people has she pushed away? How many have left her side, how many people gave up? She already lost count of how many people left. She gave up a long time ago. Rather than expect things, it is better to rely on yourself. Do not let your emotions show on your face; do not show any weakness in front of another person.

It's painful giving your heart to another person, only to have them push you away. Only to have the very people you trust turn their backs on you. She doesn't want to feel such bitter emotions about herself anymore.

She doesn't want to wake up in tears, and that unbearable pain. As long as she stays away and doesn't get attached. She can prevent herself from experiencing that pain ever again.

Setsura discovered it isn't enough to push others away. People will enter your life whether or not you like it. Pain comes in all sorts of forms. Verbal or physical - verbal pain is the most painful. She lost count how many times she told people, 'It isn't me. I didn't do it.' Even if she said such words, people wouldn't listen. Nobody would listen to her. Her voice, where is it? Can anybody hear it?

'It's your fault.'

'You raised your voice.'

The moment one fights back to defend themselves, they are labeled as the bad person — the one who caused this mess.

Listen to her.

She is standing right here.

But do you even know that? Do my words even reach you?

Even if she doesn't speak, she can see it. Eyes of rejection and loathing. Why? Why? Why do you look at me like that? At some point, she stopped questioning why, even in her head. Nobody can answer that question, even if she asks it over and over. Whenever she tried to ask before - nobody would give her an answer. They would look at her with a tired look on their faces. 'Here, we go again. She still acting this way.'

The same old story, never changing. For them, she was more of a burden than anything. Their reactions, as harsh as it may seem like was normal. Why would they bother dealing with somebody with so much excess baggage and weight? Her emotions, her tears only cause problems for people. The people she cares about, all she does is bring them pain.

It's no good; she's starting to feel miserable and terrible all over again. Her memories keep returning to her in sequences. When she at least expects it, it comes flowing out.

All the pain and suffering, all those negative emotions.

For the longest time, Setsura felt like her heart had turned cold. At some point, the tears and the pain - felt like nothing. Even when she cried, there were no emotions behind it. She felt like an empty shell. A body that digests everything with no feeling whatsoever.

"We've secured the hostages, but," Akito looked around. "I don't think we can come out the same way."

"Ah? Right."

"Are you alright?" Akito walked over to her and brushed his hands on her forehead. "Do you feel sick?"

Why are his hands so warm? Why does this simple action alone make her feel happy? Why is it when she is with him, she ends up making a fool of herself?

There is no need for her to wear a mask when she is in front of another person. But, sometimes, she feels like a chameleon who changes colors whenever she speaks with another person. What is her real color? What is the real her? At some point, the image of the real her, blurred. She no longer knew who she was.

Setsura laid her head on his chest, and Akito's arms wrapped around her. "What's the matter, you must be feeling unwell after all?"

"Nothing."

Akito gently kissed her forehead, her nose, and her lips. "Okay," he mumbled and squeezed her hands. The two of them remained that way for a while.

She is different when she is with Akito. Even though she is normally strong and indifferent, without a care in the world, it's different when she is with Akito. He differs from the rest. When she is with Akito, she can be herself.

Whenever she hears his voice, something wells up inside her. The tears start to flow. "Ah, ah, your crying. Something is wrong after all, huh?"

"I'm not crying."

Akito laughed, "You're so stubborn."

She is stubborn, prideful - people have said these things to her so many times. She rejected so many people and became indifferent to most things. However, this person breaks down all the walls she built up for so long.

"Go on; it's okay. You can keep on crying. I don't mind. Cry until your eyes are puffy."

"Hnngh, ugh. You're making me feel frustrated."

This guy is so irritating. How come he knows everything about her?

"Setsura, I will not lie and say I understand everything about you. There are many things about you that I don't understand. But I want to learn. You can turn the negative into the positive, and I think that's a very important thing. The experiences you have here, they will remain with you for the rest of your life. Everything happens for a reason. I think I'm starting to understand those words now. Everything is a learning experience. I don't care what others think of you."

He's a fool, but he's so warm. Being in his arms feels comfortable.

Apart of her could never accept that person, even though she loved him so much. No matter how close we got, she could never close of that remaining distance. The happiness she feels from those people who accept everything about her, accept all her ugly flaws.

Whether or not we want to, time moves on. We work hard every single day. But because we're so busy every single day, it's easy to lose track of what's right in front of us.

"You're so weird, Akito. I don't understand you."

"That's fine; we have plenty of time."

Do they? What if she decides to leave? What if she decides to go back? Hasn't Akito considered that? No, she is sure he has. That's why he tells her he loves her every day, even if it is uncomfortable for both of them.

"Are you sure your not an idiot, Akito?"

Akito laughed, "I'm sure."

In that place, there isn't anybody who really needed her there. Setsura didn't think she would find a place where she could fit in and have people accept her. But that's fine; she was used to it. Spending time alone, not wanted or needed by anybody.