Volume 3 - CH 21

I wish the day never ended.

Only on such days, does the night come early.

“Asshimar”

“Ha, yes…!”

I worked really hard all day today.

For some reason, the harder I try, the harder Asshimar works, so I tried my best not to lose. I tried so hard that my efforts could cause a Gestalt to collapse.

Jade Pavilion at Tomariki…

Normally, I would have finished everything I needed to do today, and it was time to go to bed.

But today… it’s about to start.

“Asshimar”

“Ha, yes…”

“It’s been a week.”

──Don’t throw me away.

I’m glad I swallowed those words that I couldn’t say until now ──I think so now.

I finally realized.

I’ve been thinking all day today,

After thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking, I finally realized.

I take out a heavy coin bag from the storage and arrange the contents on the workbench.

“Here’s 20 silver. That’s what we’re earning, minus the cost of living.”

“… Yes. You haven’t been shopping recently, so I knew you were saving.”

That’s right. You didn’t have to find out about that.

I place half of the 20 silver in front of Asshimar.

“This is……?”

“It’s your earnings.”

“…………”

Asshimar stares weakly at it and refuses to pick it up. Before long, as if she was trying to gauge my intentions, Asshimar’s gaze fell on me from the silver glitter.

Why did i save the money?

I also wondered why I was saving. Even though it was decided that I would be able to earn more efficiently if I bought the skill book as soon as possible.

“Don’t throw it away” is no good.

That’s an act of demeaning myself and letting Asshimar take the mount.

It’s no good to say “I’ll throw you out without money”.

It was an act of forcibly binding Asshimar, who couldn’t live penniless, to my hand while maintaining the mount of the superiority of money.

What was it that made me want to put strength into my calves and raise my heels with all my might?

It’s not love

It’s not friendship

It’s not like I want Asshimar as a man or anything like that.

Moreover, there was never any discussion of which side had the advantage or upper hand, or whether it was a mount or anything like that.

What kind of expression do you have on your face?

What kind of tone does it sound like?

What kind of mental state

What kind of words

Will Asshimar abandon me?

More than that fear.

“Asshimar, cancel the contract. No more contracts.”

“…!”

“Ki, it’s not creepy…”

Courage

“Hehehe… I’d love to eat with you someday… Oden”

That peace and tranquility

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ……Hehe☆ I’m exhausted…Ehehehe..”

That scenario.

“Gusu…why do you always die so soon…fee…feeeeen…”

That kindness and affection.

“There is no contract anymore, but…”

Scary.

I’m scared.

But…

The cracks in my life that you gave me will end, and my fear of being abandoned by you will outweigh my despair of not seeing you abandon me.

──That’s why.

“It’s not about hiring or being hired. It’s not about who is superior or anything like that. I don’t know if it’s discarded or not.”

It’s not about efficiency.

For the first time in 15 years.

For the first time in my life,

In the depths of my heart,

Dee down.

The scales deep inside.

──I’ve put someone first other than myself.

“T-That’s right. Umm…um.”

Let’s go, Toru Fujima.

You’ve been scared all this time, haven’t you?

My scales—the scales with me and Asshimar on both ends tilted toward Asshimar, right?

Then let’s go…!

Fly away with the recoil of the balance tilting towards Asshimar, Toru Fujima…!

Toru Fujima’s whole body and soul, with all the power…!

Fly ──────

“It’s not an employment relationship. I Toru Fujima, wants to be with Ashigarayama Shimiko from now on.”

I’m unrefined, but i’m at full strength.

If it weren’t for me and Asshimar, it would have been taken as a confession of love.

I can’t keep staring at her wide open eyes, and my gaze falls to the wooden floor.

“Hikku… Gusu…”

A sob is heard before long. When I looked up, Asshimar was shedding big tears from her eyes,

“Could it be that you can’t….oh my, can’t you just abandon…?” 

“……Eh?”

“Because I’ve been abandoned for so long…”

She wiped away her tears with her own arm, and eventually covered her face with her hands.

“I thought I’d be thrown away again…! I thought I was used to it, but for some reason I didn’t want to be abandoned by Fujima-kun…!”

Oh, she’s the same──

Asshimar, like me, was terrified of being abandoned.

“Why? Why are you…”

I’ve been very motivated lately, and I’ve been really self-promoting today.

“Isn’t it obvious! I thought I was going to be thrown away again…! I tried my best, but when you said you were cancelling the contract, I was really scared and sad… ugh… Eeeee…”

“Nah… wow, that’s bad.”

I’m the one who hired her, so I decide how she spends her money and her course of action.

“And for the time being, please stop crying…”

“I can’t do it… I was sure I’ll be thrown away, and I wanted to at least smile and say goodbye, so I’ve been patient for a long time…”

“Eh…”

“Because Fujima-kun has been really unreasonable lately, you’ve been saving money, and Kobotaro is different from the beginning, so I thought you were ready to abandon me.”

Asshimar talks about how uneasy she was while sniffing her nose. Around here, I finally grasped the situation.

“That… is it possible that you’ll be here from now on?”

“Of course I’ll be here! Where else are you telling me to go!”

A momentary feeling of floating.

I’m not an Indian with stretched limbs, and of course I didn’t actually float—that’s what I was told by the view of the slide down and the pain in my buttocks and lower back as I landed violently on the wooden floor. .

“Fu-Fujima-kun! What’s wrong!?”

“Ha…haha. I’m relieved.”

I got up from the bed, held Asshimar who was trying to get me up, and sat cross-legged on the wooden floor.

“Maybe… you have been overdoing it lately, Fujima-kun…”

“Ah… same as you. I stretched a little.”

To be honest, it’s a little out of the question, but I was strong here as well. It’s not that I want to make myself look bigger, but how should I put it… it’s like a man’s petty stubbornness. But my voice is trembling, and I’m sure Asshimar knows I’m brazen.

“Where do you need to stretch yourself…! If you aren’t here Fujima-kun, who will stay with me…! Who will tell me ‘Your pace is fine’ No matter what I do, I always get yelled at…! Who’s going to tell me that it’s okay to be me…!”

That’s the thing I’ve heard.

“Don’t overdo it”

“I’m fine with you,”

I wanted someone to say it, but no one said it, so I said it to myself.

A magic word that softens the swollen calves and makes them lower their heels.

“That’s why Fujima-kun too.”

“……a?”

“Fujima-kun, you can go at your pace, too.”

“…Eh”

After all, Asshimar makes me weak.

If loneliness is nobility.

If loneliness is strength

For me to get so hot with words other than my own, it means that I was weak.

“N, well, I’ll ask you again tomorrow.”

“Goooooooooo”

“Nevertheless, I don’t mind it.”

The sense of security that I hadn’t been thrown away sinks into my body, and the fear that toyed with me so much disappears.

I was weak.

At my own pace…I was told I didn’t have to be tough.

In that case.

I’m not showing off, bluffing, or bragging.

It’s not pretending.

“Don’t be strong, Kobotaro”

I think I’ll finally be able to chew on those words that I left behind and start walking.

Up until now, I’ve been defiant about thinking that I’m the bottom of my class, but I’ve encouraged myself that I’m the only one who understands myself.

Loneliness is strength.

Then what is the warm thing that Asshimar gave me now? In response to that, what is this heat that rises up from within my heart, which has withered like a dried-up seed?

From Asshimar… if the power you receive from others is your source of strength, isn’t loneliness the source of your strength?

“Ku, kukuku… hahahahahahaha…!”

“Eh? Huh, Fujima-kun…?”

Anger turns to dismay in a roundabout way.

The dismay turns into comedy when it comes full circle.

Then, the feelings that exploded through my throat and mouth were amazement and anger towards Toru Fujima.

Now, I finally said goodbye to Toru Fujima of 15 years.

The reason why I don’t feel empty is because Asshimar is still in my heart, wondering if I’ve gone mad before her eyes.

“Fujima-kun’s pace is fine.”

The words I said bounced off Assimir’s mouth, reflected and echoed over and over in my mind’s eye. ──── 

“Shimiko, huh? You have a pretty nice name.”

“Eh…”

It reverberates and warms my whole body, softly and gently.

“Haaaaaaaaaa”

My heart, which should have just disappeared after abandoning myself, is reborn at a breakneck speed.

“Asshimar”

“Ummm… yes…”

“Let’s start over. I’ll start over with Toru Fujima from here.”

“… Haa…?”

In the end, I was nothing more than stretching myself in order to portray myself as suitable for Asshimar or Kobotaro, while maintaining my stubbornness as a person called Toru Fujima.

However, if you turn it around, you can say that I have played Toru Fujima.

That’s why I’m redoing everything.

I’m going to live the way I am.

I’m certain she’ll accept me with a tearful face.

“Thank you, Asshimar.”

“Um…? Me…?”

The place I thought was the bottom is not the bottom.

The moment I threw myself away──at that time, that place was the bottom.

But in that place… a hand was reaching out from the bottom of the sky, and when I looked up, I saw Asshimar smiling softly, saying, “It’s okay to go at your own pace.”

I was finally able to grasp the warm hand of someone other than myself without any misunderstandings.  I turned around like that, I was finally able to see myself holding my knees at the bottom of the hole and shaking my shoulders.

“It’s okay, at your pace──Toru Fujima』

The me at the bottom of the hole looking up at “me”. He looked up at “me” with eyes that were hollow, but threatened that he was strong.

“I” will redo me.

In a world where I’m alone, I pretend to be strong, and I hide my loneliness while insisting that loneliness is my strength.

…but I won’t deny myself until now.

I’m the only one who didn’t deny me.

“That’s why “I” won’t deny who I was until now.”

I won’t deny my strength or my weakness.

“I”, who held Asshimar’s hand and climbed up one step, did not deny me who was holding my knees at the bottom of the bottom.

Because Asshimar told me that I could go at my own pace.

“I” forced myself up from the bottom of the hole.

Just like Asshimar had made me “me”, I was saucy and had dark eyes because of my pride.

And then, I superimposed my past on the ‘me’ who decided to start over.

The “I” who took Asshimar’s outstretched hand and the “me” who took the hand of “I” overlapped and intersected and became one.

Somehow, in the end, I didn’t dislike me until now.

This is not goodbye.

“Good job, I’ve believed that loneliness is strength”

I, who knows the hardships and pains best, thanked myself in the end… “I” took me in and became Toru Fujima.

“Fu-Fujima-kun”

“Hmm?”

“Somehow, just for a moment, Fujima-kun’s eyes have become beautiful…..I mean, they’re not cloudy, they’re not dirty…”

“Hey, you can say whatever you want.”

“But it’s okay. Fujima-kun’s eyes are already the same as usual. It’s stagnant.”

What’s with the usual me? Was I looking so dirty? Was I really stagnant?

But after all, anger seems to turn into dismay in a roundabout way, and even seems to sublimate into comedy. The corners of my mouth loosened involuntarily. 

“Is that so….. That’s good.”

“Yes!”

First, fall down and stop.

Just when you think you’ve taken a step forward, you fall again.

Even so, people still get up and walk.

They’re really selfish, aren’t they? People that is. 

“Then I’ll go to bed. What will you do with the money you dumped on the table? 　Should we split it in half and manage it individually?”

“No, no, it’s fine after the skills and equipment have settled down. If I’m in possession of it, I’m afraid I’ll use it haphazardly!”

“Well then, let’s spend it. Tomorrow we’ll start shopping….If you want something, feel free to tell me.”

“Yes!”

Released from the fear and tension of being rejected, I felt relieved and uplifted.

Now I think I can do anything.

Looking out the window just before the two of them crawled into their separate beds, a single shooting star cut through Eshmerde’s night sky.

If it’s me now, I can even search for the whereabouts of that shooting star.

Using such an absurd delusion as a pillow, I laid myself down on a cheap bed that felt softer than usual, and gave myself up to a gentle slumber.

(end)