CH 40

Yiyoung walked toward the cafeteria to meet her date. On her way, she noticed the crowd in the lobby but didn’t find it odd. It was the number one hospital in the country, it was always busy. The only trouble was that she would have to push her way through it.

A sudden cry drew Yiyoung’s attention. She stopped to look around and found a woman sobbing in the middle of the crowd, seeming quite desperate and lost. A receptionist noticed the crying woman and quickly ran over. The woman leaned toward the receptionist and said something to her, causing the receptionist to radio someone and lead the woman to some place.

Yiyoung didn’t take her eyes off them until the pair reached the ER. She hoped everything would turn out alright for the lady. Yiyoung couldn’t get over the sounds of her cries; it reminded her of when she was younger.

That day, Yiyoung’s mind had been blank, until she entered the hospital and the strong smell of antiseptics stung her nose. Then, she had burst into tears, just like the woman she just saw.

Yiyoung scratched her forehead, feeling a bit conflicted. Her time at the ER had led her to face several people mourning their loved ones’ death. It happened all the time, but she could never get used to it. She always managed to maintain her professionalism by maintaining a stoic yet sympathetic face in front of the patient’s family, but nothing ever erased the guilt that ate away at her from inside. Unable to express her emotions freely, Yiyoung always seeked secluded places after pronouncing a patient’s death.

The death of a loved one was one of the most painful things a human could ever experience in life, and whenever it came unannounced, it broke Yiyoung.

She had been prepared when her mother passed away. Ever since her mother was hospitalized, Yiyoung had been warned by the doctor to prepare for the inevitable. She could see her mother lose a bit of her liveliness each time she visited her. So when the day finally came, Yiyoung had been sad, of course, but she could accept it easily. She had given her best, and there had been plenty of time to say goodbye to her. And those miraculous days she spent by her mother’s side comforted her. 

Yiyoung had expected the same to happen with her dad. She thought she would have had enough time to bid him farewell when the time came…

Her father loved her mom dearly, and her death hit him hard. He gave into the false comfort of liquor bottles, but even they could not erase the sorrow of losing his soulmate completely. Yiyoung knew how much her mother meant to him, but she had hoped he could move on. “Dad, Mom wouldn’t like to see you like this. She definitely wouldn’t like it.” 

“I know.”

“She knows how hard you tried.”

“Yeah…”

“So Dad, can’t we live normally now?”

“I wish we could. But I can only remember the things I failed to do for your mother. I should have tried harder. I should have looked for different treatments for her. I should have gotten better medications… These thoughts keep plaguing me.”

“Dad…”

“I feel guilty toward your mother for being alive. I didn’t want to tell you this… but I wasn’t a good husband to her. It’s my fault she wasn’t happy when she was alive.” They had both lost the same person, but the ways they processed the grief could not have been more different. 

Yiyoung had tried her best to cheer up her dad, but he only got worse as days passed by. Back then, she naively believed time would heal all the wounds; she had to, or she would not have been able to endure the miserable treatment at school.

Times were difficult then, and Yiyoung had no one she could talk to. Eventually, her father’s depression started gnawing at her, too. She suddenly felt guilty for saving money for her college instead of contributing to her mother’s medical expenses, and it made her fall apart.

She forgot how to laugh, and spent days suppressing her anguish. There had been no one in her life who could guide to healthily express herself and recover from the disaster she had become. She spent every day just waiting for it to pass.

But one day, as she had been cooking ramen for dinner like always, she received a phone call. “Am I speaking to Mr. Yoon Joongho’s daughter?”

She did not understand why, but immediately, she had a premonition.

“We’re taking your father to the ER. He’s in a critical condition, so please come to the hospital as soon…” Yiyoung had not stopped to hear the rest. She mindlessly turned off the stove, slipped on her shoes and ran out of the house. Even as she hailed a taxi and sat inside, she remained blank.

But the moment the doors to the hospital had opened and the sterile, antiseptic smell hit her, the seriousness of the situation sunk into her.

Apparently, her father had been drunk and blacked out on the road, only to get hit by an unsuspecting driver who had not spotted him. After all, nobody could have expected to find a person sleeping in the middle of the road at night.

After she lost her dad, every string that connected her to the bright world snapped. She did not have the strength to move on, and had lost all interest in her future. She hadn’t wanted to do anything.

However, when she dropped out of school and cooped herself up inside her house, Sangsu stepped in. With him, he had brought warmth and cheer, and his encouragement helped her feel alive again. 

Yiyoung shook her head, forcing herself to stop dwelling on the past. The cries of the woman echoed in her mind, yet she walked on. She had to remind herself that this was a hospital, and it was all about life or death. Some people rejoiced and others despaired. Nobody should have to feel they were wrong for laughing at the hospital, and she definitely did not want someone to feel blue because of someone else’s sorrow. Things like these were the norm here, and all people could do was accept it.