CH 66

Yiyoung hesitated to answer; it was too late to eat. The clock showed it was two in the night; she needed to go to sleep, and yet she could not bring herself to move. Her lips trembled, overwhelmed with the urge to talk to him.

“You can do whatever you want,” he added, “I’m going to drink some more before going to sleep,”

Yiyoung jumped to her feet when he said that. She quickly put away the soggy ramen and put on a new pot of water on the stove, her movements charged with excitement. The thought of being able to talk to him more exhilarated her. She turned around to face him. “Thank you for listening to me.”

“Not a problem. It’s nothing compared to what you’ve done for me.”

“Is it?” giggled Yiyoung.

“Yes. But hey…”

“Yeah?” Yiyoung ripped the new packet of ramen.

“Take it easy,” he said.

Yiyoung paused in her movements. “What do you mean?”

“You’re 32 years old now. You should know yourself better after suffering that much.”

Yiyoung turned off the stove, spinning around to face him again. “Tell me exactly what you mean.”

In an instant, the atmosphere changed completely. There was no trace of the warm mood from earlier, only a cold, prickly feeling, like the biting cold air in Siberia.

Muyeol looked her in the eye, keeping calm as he said, “You should stop trying to be a superhero. You aren’t qualified enough for that.”

Yiyoung’s brows furrowed into a fierce glare. “What did you just say?”

“You aren’t that distinguished, and neither are you that strong.  You should stop trying to meddle in others’ lives. You shouldn’t be so nosy, just focus on taking care of yourself.”

There were all sorts of struggles to face while working in the hospital: power struggles, old school ties, academic sectarianism. These days, people claimed, it was impossible to have someone of poor—even ordinary—circumstances excel in life. The system simply wouldn’t allow it, and Muyeol had seen it firsthand in Yiyoung’s case. There was no doubt that she was remarkable, but she was not given the position she deserved solely due to the people around her.

“You’re going to end up broken if you keep this up,” Muyeol added.

Yiyoung stared at him, unable to comprehend his words. He was always so blunt and precise, so she really wanted to understand the meaning behind his words, but she just could not. “Broken? What do you mean?”

“When you dropped out of school, didn’t you give up? Weren’t you broken? For how long did you suffer then?”

“It’s different now,” she insisted.

“What is? Nothing’s different. Get your head straight. It’s amazing that you’re so smart, but you always rush to help others and let them take advantage of you. Aren’t you still like that? You just got an opportunity to vent to me, so of course you feel better now. But you’re going to keep at it still, aren’t you? You might say that you allow it to happen because you’re a doctor and you have to perform your duty, but at this rate, you won’t earn any of the recognition you deserve even if you sacrifice your life.”

“What do you want me to do then?”

“You should stop.”

“What?” She still could not understand what he was trying to say.

“If you don’t want to end up dying while slaving away for the benefit of others, you should stop before you collapse again,” he explained, a bit coldly at that.

“I don’t understand what you are talking about.”

“Of course you wouldn’t. You’ve only ever worked for others so far, never for yourself.”

Yiyoung could only blink, and Muyeol continued, “I’m taking advantage of you, too.”

“You’re really mean,” she commented.

“If you think I’m wrong, think of something to contradict me with. Think, whether you’ve lived your life for your own sake, or for someone else in your life. You can’t be a saint like Mother Theresa.”

From Muyeol’s perspective, Yiyoung seemed to be in a precarious position. It was just a matter of time before she collapsed. Unlike when she was younger, she wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences if that happened now. It would probably take her a long time to recover; he knew so because of the look in her eyes. It was different than before, he could see hints of disillusion in her eyes.

Yiyoung chewed on her lips as she tried to come up with something, anything to show him he was wrong, but it was all in vain. In that moment, it dawned on her what kind of life she had been leading so far.

“Aren’t you tired of pleasing others constantly?” Muyeol said, a bit sardonically.

All of a sudden, she felt her chest burn with an urge to speak. She couldn’t resist spitting out the scathing words, “I’m not sure you of all people can tell me such things. Unlike you, I received my parents’ love growing up.”

Yiyoung immediately bit her tongue, regretting the harsh words. She couldn’t believe she had stooped low enough to drag his family circumstance into the conversation, the one thing he was sensitive about.

But Muyeol seemed calm. “I’m different from you. I’m desensitized already, so I don’t get all emotional like you.”

‘What a know-it-all…’ Yiyoung refrained from voicing her thoughts when she looked him in the eyes, burying the sarcasm deep inside her. She gazed into his emotionless eyes, tears pooling into her eyes.

She wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. “I never knew the word ‘desensitize’ would make me feel this emotional.”

“It doesn’t matter because I don’t feel anything. You… you are different from me. You get stressed and worn-out. So don’t care about others more than yourself. Just be selfish and focus on your own life sometimes.”

Muyeol stood up, drawing closer to Yiyoung before reaching out to turn on the stove. “It’s going to be hard in the beginning, but you’re going to be fine in the end. Now scoot over, I’ll cook the ramen for you.”

Yiyoung silently watched him cook ramen. She wanted to say something, but the scene in front of her was rare and delicate; she was afraid that if she spoke, then it would shatter in an instant. So she just watched, trying to capture and engrave the moment in her heart.