Chapter 190 - The Wolf Says What's On His Heart

Chapter 190 – The Wolf Says What’s On His Heart

Xiao Zai kept smiling at his sister even as his insides tightened painfully. "That's good, gege is glad A-Xiang is happy."

He was happy for her, that much was true. A-Xiang deserved to know who her sire was. And although his feelings for Jin Luan were still ambiguous, even to himself, he could imagine how much it must have pained him to know he couldn't see her, or tell her who he was.

"Look at what A-Xiang has been making!" she said, pointing towards the papers scattered across the tables.

Xiao Zai knelt in front of the table beside her, admiring all the drawings carefully. A-Xiang always worked hard on her calligraphy because Gu Wei had ideas of turning her into a scholarly young lady, but looking at her carefree landscape paintings — landscapes that she could have only came up with, because she had never left the tiny village in which she grew up — Xiao Zai had the impression that his little sister had the makings of an artist.

"These are very beautiful, A-Xiang," he said, ignoring the calligraphy and pulling out the paintings. They were very immature, but for someone as young as A-Xiang they showed a lot of promise.

"Gege thinks so?" She asked, obviously delighted.

Suddenly, Xiao Zai felt a presence at his side, and when he looked up Chu Yun had come to stand beside them, admiring A-Xiang's works as well.

"Maybe there's a place on this estate that A-Xiang would like," Chu Yun said, almost as if talking to himself. He turned behind him to Gu Wei and asked him. "Can we take A-Xiang to one of the courtyards? Of course father-in-law and Jin Luan are welcome to come as well."

Gu Wei acquiesced and Xiao Zai took A-Xiang's wheelchair outside, walking leisurely through the estate's courtyards. It felt weird to Xiao Zai to be back knowing this was no longer his home.

He'd spent such a long time looking for a home, and when he finally found it, he could barely enjoy it. Now he was back living at the palace where he'd spent so many unhappy years, and he didn't know how to go about making it a home.

He watched Chu Yun's straight back, and thought that if anyone could do it it was Chu Yun. 

At first, Xiao Zai had no idea where he was leading them, but then he saw the bamboo thicket and realised what he had in mind. 

A-Xiang's head moved from side to side as she took in the secluded courtyard, with all its little nooks and crannys. The little slice of tranquillity that Xiao Zai and Chu Yun were supposed to enjoy to get away from everything weighting down on them. 

For their child to enjoy too, when they were born. When it seemed like they would have had that time.

Xiao Zai stopped in front of the swing. A-Xiang barely needed to turn her head towards him for him to read the intention in her excited posture. He picked her up easily and deposited her on the bench.

She held on to the robes with her thin arms and looked up at him in expectation.

"Perhaps father-in-law and Jin Luan would like to swing her?" Chu Yun suggested, his voice cutting through the melodious chirp of the birds hidden somewhere among the foliage.

Jin Luan was obviously startled by the suggestion and exchanged an apprehensive look with Gu Wei who just walked towards A-Xiang, touching his elbow on the way. The two of them got behind the wooden bench and pushed A-Xiang in unison, making her silky hair flutter with the movement.

Xiao Zai pulled the empty wheelchair away from the swing's path and watched the three of them in silence. His heart was heavy as a stone.

Chu Yun's warm hand touched his shoulder, the fingers curling intimately around the bone. "Walk with me," he said softly, pulling Xiao Zai away from the scene.

Xiao Zai let himself be guided through the little bamboo grove, lost in his thoughts and silent despite all the words he felt bubbling up inside him.

"You shouldn't feel bad for being sad," Chu Yun said suddenly, surprising Xiao Zai.

"She's just a little girl, and she's been through so much, with all her health problems, how can I begrudge her-"

Chu Yun interrupted him. "You don't begrudge her, but you wish you had a chance at a happy childhood too. I think that's understandable, I think everyone should be afforded that much."

Xiao Zai said nothing, but the guilty band around his heart had let up somewhat. Chu Yun never failed to reassure him, even when Xiao Zai wasn't sure he deserved to be reassured. 

Chu Yun laced their fingers together as they walked through the familiar courtyards of what had once been their home. Nothing had changed, in such a short time, but everything felt irrevocably different.

The two of them wouldn't be able to exchange casual conversation with the servants, in the ways they both preferred, they wouldn't be able to wear casual clothes and go out in saddled horses, riding wherever they wanted. Xiao Zai was king now, and the two of them had to observe all the rules and expectations that came with it.

They could only ever be themselves again in the company of their families, and their most trusted, most loyal servants, like Hua Nanyi — to everyone else they were his Majesty and his Royal Highness.

It was lonely, and for a moment Xiao Zai missed the simpler existence they led when he was just the Second Prince. But there was no going back now.

It wasn't even as if he regretted becoming King, he knew why it had to be done, he knew he was Zui's best hope, especially with Chu Yun at his side. But the process of becoming someone else was painful, as he was beginning to find out.

When he turned his head to the side he found Chu Yun smiling softly at him as they walked. 

Unlike him, Chu Yun had had to become someone else the moment they got married. His life had been thrown upside down when he came to Zui. And then some, when he got pregnant.

"You're going to get a second chance, you know?" Chu Yun said, surprising Xiao Zai with his words.

"What do you mean?" Xiao Zai asked.

Chu Yun took their joined hands and brought them to his stomach, as they came to a stop under the shade of a scholar tree. The scent of incoming spring permeated the air, driving away the last chill of the winter and bringing with it new life. 

"You might not be able to go back and have a happy childhood, but you'll still get a second chance with our child." Chu Yun smiled up at him. It made Xiao Zai's heart tighten with emotion to see his usually sharp fox gaze brimming with softness. "Raising our child will allow you to experience everything you missed out on, too."

Xiao Zai didn't say anything, he just let go of Chu Yun's hand and wrapped his own around his waist to pull him into a deep kiss. The slight curve of his stomach pushed against Xiao Zai's, and even that was a sweet reminder of everything Chu Yun had said.

He was right. Xiao Zai was getting a second chance, with his own family, to have the life he had always dreamed of. 

"I love you," Xiao Zai said, unable to keep the words inside.

Chu Yun's limpid eyes widened in shocked realisation, and his lips fell open in a silent gasp.

Xiao Zai's arms tightened around him, bringing their bodies impossibly closer. "I'm not saying that just because of the baby, I've been in love with you for an embarrassing long time. Even when we could barely tolerate each other I already knew my life was changed forever for having met you."

"I-I…," Chu Yun stammered, but Xiao Zai silenced him with a kiss.

"You don't need to say it back," Xiao Zai said, whispering the words against Chu Yun's wet lips. "I only want to hear you say it when you feel like it will kill you to keep the words inside any longer."

He dropped another soft kiss on Chu Yun's lips. "I have all the time in the world. I can wait for you my whole life."

He felt a weak push against his side and pulled away from Chu Yun's lips. 

"Bastard, who gave you the right to say those things?" Chu Yun asked, averting his eyes. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were red and wet like the inside of ripe fruit.

He could only chuckle fondly at Chu Yun's flustered state. He so rarely lost his composure, Xiao Zai treasured every moment it happened. He took his hand again and tugged him back in the direction of the bamboo grove.

"Let's go tell A-Xiang she's going to be an aunt.." Xiao Zai smiled just imagining her reaction.