CH 3

Part 3

The North Empire was especially cold and foggy. There weren’t many days with sun, so I had to deal with the cold air around me. I secretly rode the carriage from my house and went inside the palace through the back gate. The weather was nice until I got on the carriage that the North Empire sent for Princess Sooyoung. But little by little going up the north, the air turned cold, and it drizzled more often. A maid taking care of me said it usually snows a lot, but it was still warm, so it rains instead of snow. It rains like this. When the day gets cold, it snows. When it snows, it blows wind a lot and continuously dry for days. After about two months without rain or snow, it rains and spring starts. That rain comes very often until spring ends, so all the crops grow well, and it is the start of summer. They harvest right before fall begins then it starts to rain like this and snows, and the winter starts again. Spring is the most humid and hot. After the short spring, it is usually cold. The maid joked how the summer is pretty okay, but people like me from south will think summer will feel like fall, and fall will feel like winter. I smiled at her wearing the veil and quietly sat on the carriage. People didn’t think weird about me not taking off the veil and about how I didn’t wash well. I always coughed, so they probably think I have a cold. And there weren’t wrong. Not only I didn’t take off the dress not to get caught that I’m a man, but also it was too cold for me to move around. I could feel little bit of fever and cold sweat. But I can’t lose conscious here. I firmly grabbed the coat made out of animal fur.

North Empire’s palace made me feel dizzy because it was too beautiful. Even if I was coughing, I could clearly see the grand view. It was like us putting up the roof tile, but it was bigger and fancier. I thought this is the big country. I got sick of it because it was too big. The gate door handle was even too big for me to lift it.

I went to my palace and before taking off the white dress, I bow three times to northwest side where the Emperor went out to look around, and I drank two cups of alcohol. The maid told me that’s it for a concubine’s nuptial, and I went to my room. I was about to faint right away, but I couldn’t let go of my alertness because the maid was trying to help me take off the dress. I just told her to prepare for a warm water, a fragrance, and a towel then I will do the rest, but the maid didn’t leave my side. I screamed at her copying how my mother used to do, and she got scared and left. I sighed and took off the dress. I forcibly moved my hand to wash my body that I couldn’t wash properly during the trip. I can’t even remember when I used the warm water. My body got relaxed, so after I washed myself, I changed it to normal clothes. Right away I slept on a pillow, and I heard the maids taking out the water. I heard what those two were saying. The Emperor is on a patrol, so it will take few month for him to come back, and he will probably forget about his new concubine by then. I sighed. In that few months, my sister probably ran away as far as she can and forget about my mother, and I will die from the illness. I looked at the ceiling with my blurry eyes and thought I was prepared that I couldn’t live long in this cold place. I almost lost my conscious few times because of fever due to the cold air. I tried to hold my coughs, but I couldn’t hold it for long and coughed a lot and sometimes some blood showed in the mucus. Soon this weak body will collapse. I smiled sadly.

“Cough, cough….cough cough…”

I coughed with a towel covering my mouth, and I saw the maid moving away from me. This maid looked little vicious, and whenever I coughed little bit, she moved away like I spread diseases. Well, I’m not complaining. I felt uncomfortable getting service because I was nervous that I might get revealed. I calmly control the cough that tried to come out. There was some blood on the towel again. I smiled bitterly and hid the stain and called the maid.

“Bring me a warm cup of tea.”

My voice was all cracked, and it didn’t sound like woman at all. But the maid never thought it was suspicious probably because she thought it was because I was coughing a lot. She pushed a jade tea cup and a jade kettle from far away from me. I didn’t get mad at her. I just poured the tea in the cup. I smiled at looking at light green liquid filling up the cup. I drink tea only because my throat gets really dry due to my cough. People who really like tea were my sister and her lover not me. They will probably smile happily if they see this beautiful colored high quality tea. I laughed holding the cup. I felt the maid was getting further away, but I didn’t mind. My sister and her lover probably doing well right now. Having a son and a daughter. They will probably want many kids because they didn’t have many siblings themselves. They will have at least 12 kids. I really missed my sister even though it has only been two months since I send them away. My mother is a vicious woman, so she will survive anywhere she goes. I wasn’t worry and didn’t miss her because what she did in the past. I missed and worried about my sister who always worked hard and finally was able meet her other half. I missed her more because I started to lose my strength every day. And I can’t even show my feelings to anyone. Everyone thinks I’m Princess Sooyoung. It’s funny. They think I’m Princess Sooyoung, but I’m not, and I’m a man. I smiled and put down the tea. It was raining outside.

“..It’s raining.”

Maybe because I drank tea, my voice got much better. The small maid replied.

“This raining will be the last. It will be winter soon, Your Highness.”

Ah, that winter where it will blow cold and dry wind. I smiled bitterly and sat down.

“Last rain. That’s too bad.”

I murmured and widely open the window. The maid didn’t like that idea she said, ‘You will cough more if you do that, Your Highness.’

“Who cares? I will only die if I cough more. I will die this way; I will die that way. If I’m going to die anyway, I want to die while I do what I like.”

I smiled and replied to her. She had a face that she didn’t like what I said, but she slightly bend down her knees and bowed and left the room. I rest my chin on my hand and watched the rain falling. This cold air was different than when I was coming here. Painful cold air was smearing into my chest, but I didn’t stop. I put my hand out to feel the rain. The cold rain drops were wetting my hand and came down to my sleeve. I touched my lips with that hand. The water was wetting my dried cracked lips where I applied lipstick to pretend to be a woman. It had the smell of water and the powder probably because some powder got left on my hand when I was applying it on my face. I felt like that powder smelled like my sister. Isn’t it funny, Sister? You never even had chance to apply powder. This high quality powder smells like you. You are probably can apply powder now. Even if it’s not expensive, your lover will probably bought you powder and lipstick. You probably won’t use it because you feel awkward, and your lover will sulk because of that.

I put down my hand and stared at the window again and thought.

If my sister is able to live like that… If she is able to live like that, then I will die like this. I will end my life that you gave like this. I don’t feel like it’s a waste. What I feel like waste is that I can’t see you being happy. That’s a waste.

I closed my eyes and heard the sound of rain. I fixed the soft blanket on my shoulder and felt the cold air on my face… I was never this comfortable this past month because I was sick over and over again.  I don’t cough anymore and thought of my sister. I want to leave like this like I’m sleeping.

I quietly hummed. When I was little, when I mother was too busy going out neglecting her son, my sister always sang this lullaby to me while I was sick.  My sister didn’t know the lyrics too, so she just hummed it to me. I rest my head on her knee, and she pat my back, and I felt her warmth. I slept like that hearing this lullaby.

Right then, I felt someone coming into the room. This quiet steps. I think it’s the maid Soa who is nicer to me than the other one. I thought she was going to close the window, so I told her with my eyes closed.

“Leave it be, Soa. The air is nice. It’s clean because of the rain. I will close it later, so you can leave and do your work.”

“Won’t you die like this even before you could close the window with that pale face of yours?”

I opened my eyes right away. There was a tall and handsome man closing the window. I just blankly stared at him. I just stared at him until he closed the window and turned to me.

“I heard that Princess Sooyoung was a beauty, but it’s seems like I was wrong. Pale face and skinny body like I can see the bones. It won’t be weird if you just die right now.”

“Who are you?”

“Who can I be? The only man who could come into a concubine’s palace by himself.”

I weakly smiled at him after I coldly replied.

“It is my grace to meet you, Your Majesty. I apologize for greeting you like this sitting down.”

“Stop that. I came here right away after the patrol to see that famous Princess Sooyoung, but there is a dying corpse instead.”

His ruthless words made me smile deeper. I was surprised myself too. I thought you were an old Emperor I didn’t know that you were a young man. If Princess Sooyoung finds out about this, she’ll get a stomachache. (means jealous) I murmured to myself. I stood up slowly.

“Sorry for being a corpse, You Majesty. You can take back your word right now. Ask them for another princess.”

He frowned little bit because of my rude words. He made a face like he was smiling.

“Very sharp tongue. You should hide it well. I can get lazy pulling out that tongue, so I can just cut your head off.”

“Oh my. You can’t do anything with cutting off the corpse’s head, Your Majesty.”

I calmly replied and wear blanket and sat on the tea table. The Emperor looked at me and came

down to sit right front of me.

“You are rude.”

“I apologize, Your Majesty.”

I bend down my head, and the Emperor looked at me calmly. I quietly looked at his black eyes. They kind of looked like my sister’s eyes. Those eyes like black pearl. But those were colder than my sister’s. Cold and cruel character was showing in his eyes.

I laughed. He frowned at my laugh.

“Are you going to spend a night, Your Majesty?”

“I don’t have a hobby being with a corpse.”

I quietly sighed with his words. Today is probably not the day I’m going to die. He probably read my relieved face. He frowned. But he changed back to his stern expression and said.

“I didn’t have it, but I’m thinking of making it from now on.”

Because of his words, I bitterly smiled. I took a deep breath and said.

“I didn’t think I would tell you this.”

He looked at me suspiciously after my words. His face was saying what are you trying to say. I opened my mouth with aloof face.

“I heard that you went out on the patrol, and I thought I was going to die before you come. And I never thought you would want to spend a night with me who is like a corpse. So I don’t have anything prepare to say…”

I stopped my word and took a deep breath.

“Even if you make a hobby of being with a corpse, you wouldn’t make a hobby of spending a night with a man?”

He froze because of what I said.