CH 10

Part. 10

I swallowed my moan and grabbed onto the bed sheet. My eyes staring at the ceiling behind his shoulder shook as my body was shaking. His low but heavy breathing and wet skin contacting me felt sad and miserable. I closed my eyes and turn my head and bit my lips. Something warm, wet, and soft touched my neck. I felt sadder feeling that warmth was relieving my heart. I unconsciously moved my waist hearing my name in low voice and heat that was thrusting inside of my body.

“Huk…”

I loosen my body after letting out a small moan. I was still facing the other way and a wet forehead lightly touched on my neck.

“Yeho.”

He called out my name again. Somehow I felt like crying hearing his calling. His big and hot palm grabbed my skinny hand.

“I heard you skipped your dinner.”

He said it while he was touching my hand.

“I ate too much during lunch. So don’t scold anyone.”

I was barely able to reply with my hoarse voice while looking at the blurry silhouette of the moon through the curtain. I remembered he got mad at the chief because I skipped a meal. He laughed because of what I said and stood up. His overly warm body got separated from me, and a cold night air smeared into my body. I shivered because of that and soon a thin blanket got pulled all the way up to my shoulders. And a big hand pat on top of it.

“I know. I heard that too. You finished most of the food. Still you should have taken at least a spoon. You will probably get hungry by now.”

I didn’t laugh hearing his teasing sound. I just closed my eyes and shrugged my shoulders. Then he removed his hand on my shoulder and laughed again, but it didn’t sound that cheerful. I sighed deeply inside of me and crouched even more. He opened his mouth again.

“Upcoming week will be the start of the sowing season. We do ceremony on that day. You will have to come out with the Empress.”

I stoop up because of what he said. The blanket that was covering my body slide down to my waist, but I didn’t noticed it.

“Your Majesty, what do you mean…?”

“You are my Madame. Other concubines will come out and celebrate. It doesn’t make sense if you don’t come out.”

“…Is that North Empire’s courtesy?”

He smiled showing his shiny white teeth after hearing my question.

“If the courtesy is like that, then our Madame who cares more about courtesy than the courtesy teacher will definitely come out? Yes. And Madame is the highest among the concubines. The Empress stands on my right side and you need to stand on my left side. Other concubines will stand as their rank.”

I dropped my head hearing his reply. When I was getting the Madame title 20 days ago, the stares were very sharp. I wonder how uncomfortable I will feel on that day. I wore the fanciest dress that even the Empress couldn’t wear and bow down by myself to Heavenly Purified Palace where the Emperor stays and received the title. And I went to Land Embracing Palace where the Empress stays.  I went inside the hall and all other concubines were standing in straight line, and I showed my respect to the Empress. My face was covered in layers of veils but thinking somebody will notice that I’m different than other woman, and concubines' beauties like flowers and the Empress more beautiful than a flower sharp stare made me even more timid. Thinking I have to stand in front of their sight during the Sowing Season Ceremony made my heart freeze. And this time I have to wear a traditional dress not a wedding dress. I can’t even think of covering my face with veils this time. I sighed deeply thinking all these worries.

“You don’t want to go out?”

He asked. I shook my head while facing the ground.

“No.”

“…Tell me if you don’t want to go out.”

“It’s not like that.”

I replied once more and covered my bare skin with the blanket. It was obvious that there will be a bad saying if I don’t go out just because I don’t want to. If I was the evil spirit from the Flower Fence Palace, I wouldn’t care if I go out or not, but now I’m the Madame of the Flower Fence Palace. I wasn’t the princess from the small kingdom who doesn’t know if I was alive or dead. I was the Madame. The Madame that stays deep inside the Heavenly Purified Palace…. That kind of Madame had to be careful every movement I do, and I had to think carefully before I talk. My flaw doesn’t end only with me. It can be his flaw that he forcedly placed me here. So I can’t not go out. There are many other things I have to think while I’m out. I have to call Soa right away tomorrow to make the dress for that kind of ceremony and learn what I have to do not to make any mistake.

I was frowning thinking of all these worries, and he sighed and said.

“If you don’t want to go out, tell me you don’t want to go out.”

I looked at him and looked puzzled.

“I told you it’s not like that. Why are you keep asking?”

I questioned him, and he frowned.

“You don’t look so well.”

“Ah…”

I touched my face.

“Then it’s probably because I have to think what I have to prepare. I have to see what kind of traditional dress I have to wear and learn North Empire’s tradition because I don’t know anything.”

He rested his chin on his hand.

“…Though you still not like it right?”

It made me little annoyed. I told you it’s not like that. He’s keep asking.

“It’s not because I don’t want to go out. Why are you keep asking me that question?”

“I want to hear you say you don’t want it.”

I closed my mouth and opened my eyes widely. Then he had a somehow cold but lonely smile on his face.

“After that incident, I never heard you saying no.”

I knew right away what that incident he was talking about. It was the day I told him I want to leave the palace. The day I told him I want to go to my sister. The day he held me.

I remembered that day and avoided his eyes.

“Do this, do that. I’m the one who always want something from you. You show you don’t want it, but soon you give up and accept it. You don’t even say you don’t want to eat it. I know I order them to give you a big meal. You don’t eat it, but you don’t say you don’t want to eat it. Last time I punished the chief and right after that you ate too much and got sick. You think I didn’t know that? Today is the same. You never show anything, say it’s too much, say no, or say you are sick. Because you don't tell me, I can’t even show you I know those.”

I just avoided his eyes and quietly listened to him. I saw a blurry silhouette of the moon through the closed curtain. He looked at my face and continued on.

“Do this, do that, don’t like this, like that. Say these. Don’t just say what you have to do. Say something you want to do. Why don’t you see the rain anymore? Why don’t you ask about the magnolia you always asked? Did you even see the magnolia tree in the garden?”

…I couldn’t see it. Soa told me about it though. He moved a big magnolia tree and planted in the garden. She laughed while saying it was so big that the workers had a hard time. But I couldn’t even think of stepping outside. I was too scare that somebody might see me walking to the garden. Same goes when it rains. I was afraid that people might say something about me because Madame opens the window and shows her body unmannerly. I just stayed in this room and occasionally hear stories from outside from Soa. I didn’t have to care anything in the Flower Fence Palace, but this is a different place. There are many eyes like maids, servants, and guards. I knew it very well that I need to be really be careful with eyes like those.

“Yeho.”

He called me. He grabbed my arm probably because he felt distress because I was just staring at the moon. I looked down and quietly whispered.

“It was because it’s too cold for my body during the rain. I couldn’t go see the magnolia tree because of that, Your Majesty. I’m sorry.”

“You still don’t say no.”

He let go of my arm. He stood up and wore the night gown and left the bed. I couldn’t even dare to see his back and just sat still. His cold voice called out the eunuch, and I just fixed the blanket. He announced he will head to the meeting hall after getting helped from eunuch to wear his beautiful attire. Why the meeting hall? I questioned. It will be uncomfortable for him to sleep there because that place is for government affairs. It’s not that late for him to go to the Land Embrace Palace. If he doesn’t like Land Embrace Palace, he could go to other concubine’s palace. I was thinking like this, but I couldn’t bring it out of my mouth. I couldn’t say anything to him while he was heading to the meeting hall.

I sighed quietly. I’m up to here. I lie down and pulled the blanket all the up to my head. I won’t be in his way. I promised myself that I would hide myself in this palace, but still I'm stupid that I can’t get rid of my jealousy. I don’t see the rain and gave up on the magnolia, but I can’t stand him going to other women’s room. I’m barely that.

The reason why I don’t say what’s inside of my mind is because he might leave me.

The reason why I don’t say no is he might get sick of me complaining too much.

The reasons why I’m so sensitive about the courtesy, the reason why I give up so many things and hide myself here is if I do that, no one will be able to kick me out. I can stay with him little bit longer.

Now I can’t even say I want to leave. I can’t even breathe without him. How can I leave him. I should have left him when I thought I could. This shallow and shallow but suddenly got deeper feeling is stopping me from running away. So every night I cried inside of me. When he goes to sleep, I go to the corner of the bed and cover my face with my hands and hold my cry. I'm crying even now.