CH 57

‘I hesitated a moment and you drowned in the sea. I almost killed you. No, I should have actively protected you in the first place. Instead of pitying myself, asking if we were in the same situation.’

‘After all, I was no different from the cruel people on the deck.’

Rosen smiled and shook her head.

“Some stupid b*stard stepped on my hand and I fell.”

“I was able to catch you.”

“Since you keep insisting like that, fine. It’s okay, though. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have obligations… After all, it’s more strange that you rescued me. Even if everyone in the world was on my side, you could never be.”

As if on the border between dreams and reality, Rosen muttered in a hazy tone. He tried to pass her water, but Rosen shook her head and grabbed his hand. He touched Rosen’s forehead.

“I shouldn’t be sick…”

“You will be fine soon.”

“Sir Kerner, you didn’t know I wanted to live, did you? Don’t be fooled. How do you know that everything I’ve said is the truth?”

“Is it true that you want to live?”

“Yes.”

“All right then. Nothing else matters.”

“Sir Kerner is finally back…”

Rosen laughed weakly, and then started talking nonsense again in a sing-songy melody. Ian stroked Rosen’s scattered hair and struggled to open his mouth.

“You will never know how I felt the moment you said you wanted to live.”

In fact, he couldn’t seem to express himself exactly. He thought he was happy, but on second thought, he felt more miserable than when he heard she wanted to die.

Rosen did not answer, her eyes still closed. It was also difficult to know exactly whether he had lost his mind or pretended to have lost his mind to run away from her confession. But Ian thought it didn’t matter anymore.

“… I carried a picture of you from the newspaper.”

“…”

“I denied it at the time. I didn’t have anyone, but you were famous, and I could see you, so I held onto you… I thought I was just broken and crazy. But now I know. It wasn’t that complicated. I…”

“…”

“I just wanted to meet you.”

Rosen coughed.

‘I guess I haven’t lost my mind.’

Ian offered her another drink of water but Rosen firmly shook her head. He didn’t force it.

“Is there anything you want?”

“A cigarette. It feels like my insides are frozen.”

“No. Your cough will get worse.”

“Then let me hear your voice.”

“…What voice?”

“Your broadcasting voice. Just like the show you did back then. I know you don’t like that kind of thing, but I’m so sick right now that I think it will cheer me up.”

“…”

“Actually, your voice was a great comfort. You wouldn’t know. We… How much I loved it during that long war.”

Rosen burrowed into his arms and mumbled incoherently. At this moment, it felt like he was the one who needed to be comforted, not her.

“It will be fine. You did your best. The war is over. Everything will be fine now, and you will live well. So, don’t feel guilty about Leoarton or me. Understand?”

Ian Kerner recalled the day he first stood in front of the microphone. He had been dragged into it. He was twenty years old. In retrospect, the child, who thought he had grown to some extent but did not understand anything about the world, read the contents as instructed.

-Introduce yourself to them…And say you’ll protect them.

-…

-They need it. The people.

It was only when he was older that he truly realized why such lies were needed. He acknowledged the need. So he followed orders.

The 30-year-old started the same broadcast again, hugging the witch of Al Capez, who had escaped the city he had destroyed.

In a place where only one person could hear.

“This is the Leoarton squadron. My name is Ian Kerner.”

“…”

“I will protect you.”

His voice trembled. 

It was a broadcast that he did countless times. But now, it was difficult to say those words casually.

“…You will be safe. I will protect you.”

“It was your job throughout the war to sacrifice the few for the many. In fact, that’s the nature of war. You’ve never made a wrong decision because you were overwhelmed by emotions. I don’t understand why you feel guilty now.”

He told an old lie, which he had repeated countless times, and finally admitted it.

‘Is that right?’

‘Was that right?’

No, that wasn’t right. It was a necessary and inevitable choice, but it was definitely not the right thing to do. Even if there was no other way… He couldn’t change that fact. He had to do it, but that didn’t mean it was the right thing to do.

“…I will protect you.”

Rosen’s hand touched his eyes. Tears dripped down. It was only when he felt the unfamiliar sensation that Ian Kerner realized that he was crying.

Just like the day he visited Leoarton, which was in ruins. When he first met Rosen Walker, who was trapped in a black-and-white photograph.

***

In the afternoon, the cabin door opened.

“Sir, it’s time. Even my father broke. He couldn’t stand it any longer. I’m sorry, but… Rosen should go to prison.”

“Take her, Henry.”

“…”

“Bring the blanket. I think her fever has gone down, but… It’s cold in there.”

Ian Kerner rose from his seat.

He took a gold coin out of his pocket that he had hidden out of fear of being seen.

And he began to think as he watched the black sea through his cabin window. 

Thinking was what he did best.