Chapter 304: A Long and Painful Dream

"A dream… I saw a dream that felt too real," he explained. "And I was killed."

Mo Qingchen's heart started beating faster in anticipation. Dare he hope that he was about to hear her story? It was palpable. The answers he desperately wanted were so close. But he knew that he shouldn't be holding his breath.

"Who killed you… in the dream?" he asked slowly. 

Qian Meng shuddered before answering him.

"You asked me why I was so scared. What I was scared of, right?" She turned to him, her eyes holing the absolute truth. "It's… not just the dream. Since I was a child, not one person forgot to remind me how unwanted I was. I served a purpose. Sometimes, I was a mistake. My parents didn't want me to be born but I was. And then, they separated," she told him calmly. "Actually, I have never believed relationships or marriages were meant to last. One person cheats or gets bored and they break up. No one ever works on their marriage. No one is happy."

She gulped. "So, I never thought I would love anyone," she said. 

"And you did?" Mo Qingchen asked curiously.

"I don't know. I married you because I thought it would be easy. The terms you laid out were things I could go with. But then everything changed," she admitted. She shook her head. "But that is not the main reason."

"Then what is?" He was growing more confused. Would she actually tell him? 

"Around the time my father decided to arrange my marriage with Bai Ye Qing… I was trapped in a really long dream."

Mo Qingchen stared at her, flabbergasted that she was actually telling him this. Finally. 

"I know you won't believe me… but it felt so real."

"Go on…" he encouraged. 

"In the dream… I married Bai Ye Qing without a second thought. I wanted to please my dad and it seemed like the only way. At first, it was… peaceful. I saw him more as a friend than anything else. But the rules in the Bai house were not nice. I suffered and got cursed out and then Uncle Bai died," she said. She blinked in confusion. 

"Uncle Bai died mysteriously…" she said again. 

"Focus," Mo Qingchen reminded her.

She nodded. "The verbal abuse from the mother-in-law got bad and well, I moved out with Bai Ye Qing and we were living in this apartment. I decorated everything and waited and waited until everything I had was gone."

Her face broke with emotion. It damn near broke Mo Qingchen's heart. She had never seen such agony on her face and he was sad to say that he was mesmerized by it. 

"He turned into a monster. He didn't care that I was suffering. Everyone demanded I have a child but it never happened to me. He isolated me from the people I knew. And I… couldn't break away." She felt like slapping herself for being so foolish in the dream.

"I couldn't give him kids… so I gave him my company. I was fully dependent on him." She choked. "He was cheating on me all along. And the woman was pregnant. And I was not. I saw them… together." She couldn't even say it out loud without her stomach rebelling. 

Mo Qingchen stiffened. He… he had not known this.

"They did everything to humiliate me. I think… I felt desolation." She looked out into the distance, the sense of being lonely coming back to her in waves. 

"And you blame yourself for that?" he asked. 

"Of course, I do. It was my fault. I trusted him and didn't see all the red flags along the way. I wasn't smart enough to know who he really was. I wasn't brave enough to leave him even when I wanted to kill myself. I should have known…" She forgot about it being a dream. It felt all too real for it to be a dream, didn't it? 

"Qian Meng," he whispered to bring her back to her new reality. 

"If you are going to say something about letting go of the shame and fear because a lot of women go through it… I don't want to hear it. I am weak and a coward," she announced. "I am weak," she repeated. 

Mo Qingchen didn't know what to say. 

"I am so sorry you went through that."

Qian Meng shook her head. "When I am with you… sometimes, I will hear Bai Ye Qing's voice in my head, telling me how worthless I am. How I will never deserve the love and support of other people. The worst part? I believe it."

Mo Qingchen clutched her hand desperately. "He gaslit you. He destroyed your self-confidence for his selfish and evil needs. I am sorry you went through that. I am so sorry."

She wanted to smile but failed. "Like I said, it was all a dream. I wasn't really killed. It was all a dream."

That was the only way she could reassure herself. 

"You did go through that pain, Qian Meng. You lost your life in his hands. You should hate him. You should hate her. But here you are, just blaming yourself for the wrongs done to you."

She looked over at him curiously. "It didn't happen." There was a strange hollowness in her voice. 

"It did," he said roughly. "Stop denying it. You know exactly what I mean. You lost a lot in that life and you woke up. You got a fresh start." He didn't even try to hide that he knew. What was the point of it? 

"What do you mean? That life? Fresh start?"

Mo Qingchen swiped his free hand across his face as he blinked away the fear. She had to tell him. They were going, to be honest. No matter how much it hurt.

"I… I—" he stammered. 

Qian Meng looked at him in disbelief. He looked so pained that it was devastating. She wanted to tell him it was okay and that he didn't need to tell her anything anymore.