Chapter 225 - Our Own Demons

The following morning came up with a fresh start in Li Juan's life as she woke up in Lee Tae Yang's arms, immersed in his warmth. 

Tilting her head up, she gazed at his sleeping face with a pair of doting eyes, 

Though she wished to stay beside him for some more time, Li Juan reluctantly gave up on the thought and left the bed quietly, without waking Lee Tae Yang, who was in deep slumber. 

It was the day of Grandma Guan's death anniversary and she was supposed to be present at the ancestral hall before the prayer ceremony,

Last night, Guan Tian Long and the butlers in the Dai Jinlong palace has made it clear that Li Juan is no longer a stranger, but become the young daughter in law of the Guan family.

Since everyone started to treat her as a member of the family, she was obliged to attend the prayer ceremony to pay her respects to the ancestors of the Guan bloodline. 

As she got freshened and dressed up in the ceremonial clothes, Lee Tae Yang woke up from his sleep, 

Leaving him to get ready for the ceremony, Li Juan stepped out of the room and headed to the ancestral hall,

While she ambled across the never ending corridors of the inner court, she ran into Gu Ying who was also headed to the ancestral hall,

"So it's true, you are here in person,"

Gu Ying remarked with a beaming face as soon as his eyes fell on Li Juan,

"Doctor Gu?" She replied in a surprised tone as she met someone who she never expected in Dai Jinlong palace, 

"Hmm, it would be very nice if you call me uncle, just like the way my nephews addresses me," He corrected in a sulky tone, to which Li Juan responded with a bewildered expression,

How can she forget the fact that Dr Gu Ying, one of the top neurosurgeons in the country who did her surgery was actually part of the Guan family?

"Nice to meet you, doc..huh uncle Gu," Li Juan gently bowed her head,

Well, it was her bad that she thought of Gu Ying as a military doctor who came due to the special request of Lee Tae Yang when she was in a dire situation.

"And you look better than last time I saw you. So did you like Dai Jinlong palace?"Gu Ying inquired as he led her to the hall where the ceremony has been organised. 

"I still can't believe that I had the opportunity to spend a day here," Li Juan enthusiastically replied. "Tian Gege showed me everything, but I think I should visit again to explore every inch of this architectural marvel,"

"Well, you can live here as long as you want, after all, it was built for the maiden of the Bai family," Gu Ying suggested without any hesitations. It was the truth that has been taught to everyone in the family. 

"Uncle, can I ask you a question?" She gathered her courage and asked him the most confusing question inside her head,

"Do you believe in past lives and reincarnation?"

As soon as Gu Ying heard her question, he softly sighed before replying,

"I assume that you have taken a look at the paintings drawn by the emperor Guan," He added as his sharp eyeballs scrutinised her perturbed face,

"Do you think you are reincarnated?"

"To be honest, I'm confused," Li Juan mumbled under her breath and raised her downcasted eyes,

"There were enough proofs to believe that I share some kind of bond with Queen Bai Yu Yue...like I've seen her in my dreams numerous times even before I came across with her portrait in Yu palace. And more than anything else, I do look like her," She let go of the baggage of queries she carried with her,

"Well, you can blame genetics for the similarities you share with the queen," Gu Ying gave her short and crisp answer, "I'm pretty much sure that you are not the only person who looks like your ancestors,"

Hearing his comment, Li Juan thought for a moment,

Whatever Gu Ying pointed out was true. She wasn't the only person who shares physical similarities with her ancestors. Since the Yu clan practices endogamy, there were too many people who resemble each other or their grandparents. Even Li Juan herself resembled her late cousin, Zhang Li Jun which often made others mistake her as the latter.

So does that mean she can strike out the possibility of similarities? But what about those weird nightmares? Li Juan thought inwardly, 

"Normally people forget about their dreams once we wake up from sleep, but I always remember everything that happened in my dreams, especially those dreams in which the Queen appears," Ahe spoke after contemplating for a while,

"I used to believe that, those nightmares were the results of my messy brain after all the nearly death experiences. But...after coming here and seeing those paintings, I'm forced to think differently," She paused and looked at Gu Ying for an answer,

"What do you usually see in those dreams?" He attentively asked as he understood her struggle.

"In the beginning, the Queen used to ask me to save her, however, later on whenever she appeared we tend to have deep meaningful conversations," 

Gu Ying's eyebrows raised in curiosity as he listened to Li Juan's experiences. As a doctor, he couldn't just neglect the emotions underlined in her words.

"I see hee in my dreams whenever I am going through some trouble and we usually end up talking about it. The last time when I saw her was merely a month ago...at the time, she wasn't alone," Li Juan stumbled in her words as an excruciating pain washed over her.

She subconsciously reached out to caress her flat abdomen, only to realise that the little one is no longer with her. 

"I...I...saw my baby with her, my little girl," 

She bit down her lips to suppress the unutterable grief spreading across her mind, 

Witnessing her misty eyes, Gu Ying didn't say anything but gently patted Li Juan's shoulder and gave her some moment to pull herself together,

"I know admitting all these would make me no less than a mentally disturbed person," She sniffled and wiped her eyes as she spoke, "but uncle Gu...I...I really want to know what is the meaning of all these weird things happening to me... Is it good or bad? Is it real or not," 

"Defining something good or bad depends upon the individual, Xiao Li," Gu Ying consoled her in a tender voice,

"Things you find right might turn wrong for someone else. So please don't worry whether it is good or bad, but focus on seeking an answer that calms the chaos within you," He concluded and swiftly drifted into a topic that needs more clarification.

"Let's see, you said that you became confused after visiting the Dai Jinlong palace, right? how about before? Were you confused?" 

"I was definitely confused, but not this much...to the point where I doubted my entire existence," Li Juan stated bitterly,

"Do you enjoy talking to the queen?" Gu Ying probed more,

"Hmmm. She is the person who has the answers to all of my weird questions. I don't know whether I treated her as a friend or sibling or even as a mother figure...whatever kind of relationship I had with her, I always felt good after meeting her," Though Li Juan spoke with a nonchalant demeanour, Gu Ying could see the gratification behind her sparkling eyes.

"It seems like you really enjoyed her company," He smiled in agreement and continued, "So why are you bothered about it now?" 

"I had a realization, terrifying as well as a meaningful one," She uttered monotonously, "The things we overlook in our lives, those painful memories, those demons we hid from others just to appear "normal," I've witnessed how much it can ruin an individual's life. I always knew whatever happening to me is not normal, yet I refused to address the real issues that might have triggered it," Li Juan paused mid-sentence and looked directly into Gu Ying's eyes,

"I started to see the Queen after my first-ever brain injury. Do you think it might've changed my mental constitution?" 

Gu Ying stared at the woman who stood before him with a tinge of surprise,

When he got to know about Li Juan and her exceptional medical history, he always wondered how a patient like her remained mentally stable after going through God knows what,

Not even in his bizarre nightmares, he expected to hear a question like this from her.

"Well, it is true that brain injuries do change people, but nothing like what you have experienced," Gu Ying explained with a comforting smile, "Usually, it will be behavioural changes like, some patients become temperamental after surgery or the opposite, etc etc," 

"Being mentally disturbed or believing in the nonsense stories of reincarnation, damn I have no idea which one makes me more insane," Li Juan scoffed and tried to get over the awkwardness of doubting herself as a mentally ill patient.

"If it makes you anxious, why don't we meet some experts who can actually help, like a psychologist or-" All of sudden Gu Ying paused when he realized that something felt amiss,

"Have you ever talked about this with Tae Yang?" He inquired,

"Hmmm, I vaguely mentioned it," She replied half-heartedly. 

"Vaguely?" Gu Ying's forehead creased in dubiety as he listened to her,

"He already has so many problems. I no longer want to press my issues onto Tae Yang and make him worry. Rather than dealing with these crazy things in my head, I wish I could help him by sharing some of his burdens,"

Li Juan retorted indifferently. The things she got to and realized in the last few days has made her think out of her bubble, to understand other's problems before dragging them into hers. 

"It is nice to know that you are willing to help him. But Xiao Li, that doesn't mean that you have to neglect your mental health," Gu Ying tried to advise the woman who was in denial,

"It is unfair if I think from Tae Yang's perspective. I foolishly believed that I was being good to him, but in reality, I was wrong..absolutely wrong...I was always on the receiving end and little did I know that how it affected our relationship," Li Juan didn't hide or overlook her mistakes as she confessed them to Gu Ying.

"He is way more affectionate and caring, thanks to his insecurities," Gu Ying stated monotonously,

As soon as the term "insecurity" fell from his mouth, Li Juan's face immediately went a shade darker as if she is the reason behind Lee Tae Yang's insecurity.

"Everyone has their own insecurities and demons to deal with, Xiao Li," Gu Ying who read out her thoughts said convincingly, "Among them, the insecurities developed from childhood trauma are the ones we need to give attention,"

Listening to his words, Li Juan's eyebrows perched up in curiosity,

"Most of the time, we adults failed to realize how our presence affects in the building a child's personality and character. We just neglect the fact that their little brains can also create a perspective of their own by watching and learning from an adult. Our actions, words, even mannerisms leave an influence on them. Sometimes it will be good, sometimes it will be a little different from what we expected to be good," Gu Ying ruminated over the topic as he shared his views,

"The childhood makes the foundation of an individual's personality," He stated and glanced at Li Juan who was all ears,

"Ofcourse, there are exceptions, but just like the majority of the cases, Tae Yang also grew up with a childhood trauma," 

"His parent's death?" Li Juan conceded without any second thoughts,

"Not really," Gu Ying corrected her and continued in a plain tone, "His pain began the day he woke up alone in the empty house where he once lived with his family, the day your mother left soul city with you," 

There was a shock wide visible on Li Juan's gorgeous face, as his words fell on her ears. 

She and her innocent mother left a trauma on Lee Tae Yang? What absurdity is that? As she opened her mouth to argue back, Gu Ying cut her off,

"I'm not blaming your mother, none of us is in a position to do so. Your mother loved Tae Yang and done what she thought the better thing to do for his happiness and well-being," 

Li Juan nodded in agreement,

"But when adults did whatever they found good for Tae Yang, no one cared to think about his feelings. In a glimpse, he lost everyone who was part of his little world. His parents, your parents, you and finally his great-grandma. What would have happened to a boy who lost his family, all of sudden? Gu Ying shot a question at Li Juan,

"He will make sure to hold onto the rest of his family," Li Juan subconsciously answered the question,

"Tae Yang did the same. He doesn't want to lose anyone, so he made sure to keep them closer by showering everyone with unconditional love. To be honest, that type of love and kindness is an example of harmless manipulation," Gu Ying elaborated as a low chuckle left his mouth, "Luckily his childhood trauma left some good effects on him,"

Li Juan wobbled her head and agreed with him,

"He will do anything and everything for his people's happiness. And I assume you know what all are included in "anything and everything," Gu Ying enigmatically mentioned, as he doubted whether Li Juan knows the truth about his nephew,

"Yes, Tae Yang told me everything," 

"And you are okay with it?" 

"Yes," Li Juan replied in a nonchalant and unflinching tone.

"Great. So Coming back to your first question, I believe that there are few things in this world that are beyond any scientific explanations," Gu Ying led their conversation back to the point where they started,

"I'm a doctor, a person of a science, yet I can admit without any second thoughts that have I seen my fair share of miracles in surgery table.. including the biggest miracle who is standing before me," He concluded with a pleasant smile and looked at Li Juan who still had a puzzled look on her face,

"So you are saying that there might be chances of reincarnations, right?" She repeated to get a solid answer from him.

Gu Ying took a deep breath and stared deep into her midnight black irises,

At that moment, he was forced to believed that whatever demons that Li Juan was dealing within herself, was slowly squeezing out her life and turning her into one of them,