Chapter 133 - Reading You Darkest Thoughts

Lance. 

The moment I walk into the apartment, mom is waiting for me with a frown on her face. I have never been irritated by her presence before, but now I would rather be anywhere but here in this house with her. ''I am not talking to you,'' I tell her, trying to avoid her eyes. She needs to understand that I am hurt right now. She had a hand in taking the one person that made me happy away from me. 

It won't be easy to forgive her for all she has done. Mom used to be one of the people I trusted but now I can never trust her again. She betrayed me completely. 

''Lance,'' she grabs my arm and pulls me, to stop me from going to my room. ''Let's talk. I don't like what is happening. You are making me out to be the bad guy.'' 

You are the bad guy. 

''Are you going to let me go?'' I ask her, I am not going to say anything to her again. There is no point in talking to her. I just need to focus on finding Ford. I keep thinking about him and all the things he could be going through. The pain he is in right now, what if he is being drugged? What if he doesn't even know where he is and is scared? 

That is all I can think of. 

So my mother is the least of her problems and her thinking she is somehow the centre of attention is ludicrous. ''Let's talk. We always settled things by being honest. So I want us to have a discussion with you. Give me a couple of minutes… please.'' 

I roll my eyes but know that I can't get away with this. I should just listen to the crap she wants to say and then go to my room. I am expecting a call from his uncle, I don't know what will come from it but the hopes I have is a lot, compared to before his call. She sees the defeated expression on my face and smiles excitedly. Usually, when we have issues, settling doesn't take more than a couple of hours and to her, she thinks that is going to happen this time. 

'��Let's have a seat,'' she drags me to the couch and I sit down next to her. ''I am sorry for the way I handled the whole thing. I didn't handle it well.'' 

I watch her, unsure of what she expects me to say. I have nothing to say and she should know this by now. As long as she can't bring Ford back to me, I will never forgive her. 

''Should we play the talking stick game. Maybe then you will speak to me,'' she cries. I wish I could feel some kind of pity for her because through it all, I actually feel like she wants to make things right but I can't right now. The talking stick game is what we used to do when I was a kid. It helped us settle our issues. Somehow, it always worked but now, her words make me think she has officially gone crazy. 

''I am not playing a fucking game with you.'' 

She can tell that I am getting riled up again ''Calm down Lance, why are you flaring up so easily. I don't even understand.'' She cries like she is the victim in this. 

The moment she took John's side, she became my enemy. She became someone that is against my love with Ford and I will not look at her and think that she is on my side and coming around. There is no way in hell. 

''You don't realize what you did.'' 

''I did nothing but speak to my husband about something I was uncomfortable with. Brad having a breakdown doesn't have anything to do with that.'' 

Her husband. 

Ha. 

''Why do need to explain things if you did nothing wrong?'' 

She sighs ''Please don't take this out on me Lance. I know this is your first love, I get that he brought you out of your sexuality but you have to know that it could never work.'' 

''Because he is my step brother?'' 

She nods ''How do you expect it to work. Just think about it on your own. Do you think your love will even last? You are just kids. Young love never lasts.'' 

''Is that the reason why it wouldn't work?'' 

I know I said I wasn't going to say anything but this is even pissing me off more. She is using the most stupid excuse as to why our relationship can't work. It is not even fair. 

''Lance, Brad is my husband's kid. Does it seem fair that you guys are putting us in this awkward situation? John explained to me that this is not the first time he has done something so outrageous. He is using you to create drama and you are giving in.'' 

I stand up from the couch because I can't handle this right now. What she is doing is trying to defame my boyfriend. I have never for once seen him as crazy. I have never once thought his illness affected anything in our relationship, so I will not sit here and listen to her bash on him. 

Never. 

''You can have the apartment for yourself. Just know that today is the day you chose John over me, hence me choosing Ford over you.'' 

I walk out of the house, completely ignoring the tears welling in her eyes. This is for the best, why else would she choose me. At the end of the day, I am doing the same thing. Choosing the man I love over my mother. 

I walk up the stairs until I get to Patrick's house. I need to return Jack's key and it is not like I have anywhere to go in the first place. I just need some time from her and this is the only place I can think to go. My best friend is here and I need him right now. He opens the door and from my expression, he can tell that things didn't go too well. 

''Come in,' he opens the door as I rest in his arms, holding him as tight as I can. 

**************************** 

After a lot of crying and comforting, they put me in the spare bedroom. Once I bed, I clutch the phone tightly hoping that his uncle would call again. 

Slowly fixing it in the port next to me, I lie down on my side still holding unto his journal. I only read the first page, and it is still taunting me. he was just 10 and he felt the need to jot down his feelings. I open the book because I have already started and this is the only way I can feel close to him right now with all that is happening. 

The second page seems longer than the first. It has a lot of words in it. 

Dear diary (Journal) 

Another day of their shouting. My headphones are not even loud enough. I wish they would just send me somewhere far away from them and all the fighting. 

I saw the bruise on her face that she tried to hide from me. Now I know that dad is hurting her. I wish she could just take me away and leave him all alone. There is nothing I can do but write in you. Lisa says all families fight. Her mom and dad apparently have their own issues but not like mine. She doesn't know the things I see. 

Mom is always tired after her fights with dad. She is tired every day. Most days I find her sleeping. She stopped going to work. She is always under the covers when I go to look for her. 

Lisa says I am being paranoid. That there is nothing wrong. But deep down I feel like there is. So, I have been spying on them a lot after every fight. Yesterday, I went down to the kitchen and I saw him there, after their fight. This was his usual routine, say hurtful things to her and then come downstairs to have a drink. I hid behind the counter, not sure why he always came down after their fights. She always ended up asleep all through the next day and then their cycle would continue. 

He caught me hiding and sent me back to bed. I didn't ask him anything because talking to dad is not easy. He once said to me that he wished I was like every other normal kid.

What makes me not normal?

I close the book, my heart racing from the words. So John and Ford's mother had issues before she died. I can understand how fighting all the time can affect a kid but why does it feel like there is more to this. Somehow, I want to continue. I want to know more about everything that happened. 

Slowly opening the book again, the phone rings loudly and this makes me jump up from the bed. 

I grab it because this is what I have been waiting for. 

The call.