Chapter 178 - The Man I Love

Ford.

I don't know If I want to go for this.

I am scared.

Nervous that I will lose my mind over this and slip up. Things are great right now. we are great right now—our relationship is perfect. I already know and have accepted that her death was mostly my fault. We had a session with Dr. Mathew about it. I talked about everything and even though he assured me that I wasn't at fault. I still hold a pang of guilt inside me. I still wish that things had ended differently but I can't dwell on the past.

I have to move on for a brighter future.

"Only if you want to," he coughs nervously. I watch him as he continues "I just thought it would be nice to say a few things to her. talk to her about your progress. Only if you want to.''

The look on his face and how nervous he is makes me want to do this. somehow, it seems like this will make him feel a lot better than it will make me. I know he must carry some guilt. He must blame himself for her death.

No one is to blame.

This is the first time I have felt like this. I always blame myself or someone else for all my problems. Letting go is the best thing to do.

"Okay,'' I agree finally.

The drive to the cemetery is fast. I kind of expected to be in the car for at least thirty minutes but in less than fifteen, the car comes to a stop and dad looks at me with a soft smile on his face. "Are you ready?'' he asks me kindly.

I nod my head because I want to do this. I am just a little scared about it all. I know she is gone but I never really thought she was really gone. I always felt like her presence always lingered. I know it makes no sense. Like where do you go after death?

I have never really believed in heaven; I just feel like you linger on this life until it is your time to reincarnate. I don't know if it makes sense but that is how I have always felt. We get down from the car and I walk by his side because the air is suddenly so cold. We keep walking side by side until we get to her gravestone. This is the first time I have ever seen it in person. My hands tremble as he drops the bouquet of flowers that he brought with him.

I don't know what happens to me but at that moment, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I know I said that it would be a good idea but now that I am here. I don't want to do this anymore.

"I can't do this,'' I breathe out in the silence of the graveyard. This is a lot more than I thought I could handle. I am not strong enough right now.

He looks away from the tombstone and to me and his hand is on my shoulder, he is trying to make me feel better but I don't know how to right now "I am here with you. you are not alone.'' He reminds me of the things that I already know. I see him and Marybell, I see lance. All the people that are on my side but how do I talk to her when I feel so sad.

My breathing spikes up "okay, I understand. We will come back again. When you are ready,'' he tells me.

I nod because I want to leave. I want to be out of this place right now.

We get back to the car, and George starts the ride. I couldn't even look at her grave. I was too embarrassed to do anything and I don't know if I ever will.

"These things take time son. You don't have to feel like it is a setback,'' he tries to calm me down but I see the look in his eyes. He feels bad for bringing me here. I don't want a situation where he will end up blaming himself for this. I want to be better for him and everyone else.

"I want to try again. Can I get a month to just prepare?'' I ask him.

His smile is warm "You can take as much time as you need. She will always be here." He assures me.

We drive to the house and my eyes stay fixed on the tattoo on my wrist. The one thing that has been able to calm me down for the two months. Every time I see the tattoo. I remember everything that is important. I remember him and the smile he always had on his face. Lance has been the light that I have lived on, in my dark times.

Once I see the apartment building through the window. My heart beats against my chest in excitement. I miss him so much that I am sure dad can tell.

"He has been waiting for you.''

I look at him and there is a smile on his face. I have been waiting for him too. No one has any idea.

"He kept texting me all day. Making sure you were okay." I inhale a long breath and he chortles "I have never seen anyone love a person as that kid loves you."

All that he is saying just makes me feel more at ease. That means he accepts us. He is okay with our relationship and that is all that matters.

The car stops in front of the apartment and I take a deep breath because I can't wait for any longer "Do you want to spend the night with him?'' he asks.

I nod my head immediately.

He laughs as I get out of the car. "Have fun son.''

I get down from the car and walk up the stairs nervously until I get to his floor. My heart is racing so loudly that it feels like it is about to explode. I don't know what to expect but I just want to see him and his smile and his beautiful face.

"Ford,'' I turn around and Patrick has a smile on his face.

I remember the time where I felt he was a threat. The man in front of me has a smile on his face—so welcoming that I just want to take him in my arms and apologize for the way I treated him.

"You're back,'' he manages walking up to me hurriedly.

He pulls me in for a short hug and I smile happily. I close my eyes for just a second because that is how long the hug is. After he pulls away from me, he smiles "Lance just left a couple of minutes ago. Didn't you see him outside?'' he asks me.

I furrow my brows in confusion.

He was expecting me?

Right?

"Is Jack around?'' I ask.

He shakes his head "I have the key for the apartment if you want to wait until he gets back.'' I nod eagerly and he gives me the key to the apartment. I leave him and enter the apartment. The lights are off, the tv is on. Typical of Lance to leave the tv on. I walk further into the room and grab the remote control, shutting it off immediately. as I sit down on the couch, I think about him and seeing him. I think about all the things I will say to him when he gets home. I think about kissing him as I fall asleep on the couch.

I don't know how long I sleep for but the minute I hear the jiggling of keys, I sit up on the bed. "Hurry up fool, we need to decorate before he gets here." I hear his voice and I know who he is talking to.

Jack.

"It's not my fault that you plan a surprise last minute."

They walk into the house and to the kitchen, not even noticing me in the living room. I smile because they seem so engrossed in their conversation.

"When is he getting here?'' Jack asks and I watch them drop the bags in their grips on the counter.

"His dad said they were making a stop, last time I checked. So maybe an hour or two." He answers.

The smile refuses to leave my lips as I watch them. Completely in love with the man in front of me. "You should check your phone. What if they finish early? You need to know how long we have to put up the banner and the balloons."

Just the thought of him doing this for me is enough. I don't mind that there won't be a surprise once he finally notices me.

"Okay.''

I watch him reach into his back pocket for his phone. The smile on his face disappears and his eyes open wide.

"shit, he was supposed to be here an hour ago. What if he knocked and left,'' I watch them run over to the door before deciding to show my face.

His eyes open even wider when he sees me and I manage a smile because this scene is typical of Lance.

The man I love.