Crusade – Chapter 78: Unpleasant Choices

Ferio glanced down at her mother as the two of them arrived in her Dominion. Aperio's skin was cold to the touch, like it had always been, the only perceptible warmth coming from the mind-boggling amount of mana flowing through the All-Mother. Not that a mortal would be able to tell the difference.

That was something that had changed. Aperio had always been beyond other deities, including herself. But, what she was doing now made simply no sense to the Goddess of Life and Light. The amount of mana her mother was using to improve her body was staggering, multiple times what she herself would be able to command for at least another couple of millennia.

It was these things that made her question if the woman currently lying with her head in her lap was actually her mother. But I know it's her. She looked like her mother, when Aperio chose to have a body that is. Aside from the Elven ears, she still had the same fit physique, the same face, the same eyes, and she only stood taller now that she drew even more mana from her well. And the wings… Perhaps most importantly, Ferio could also feel the truth of it in her soul. And yet, she couldn't shake the feeling that Aperio wasn't, well, Aperio anymore.

She still liked to fight and was divorced from the concept of subtlety, but she cared for mortals now. All of them. Aperio had told her that she had lived as a slave, that she had been powerless. While Ferio still had trouble believing that, it did help to partially explain her mother's current behaviour. And why she doesn't trust anyone.

Ferio sighed as she shifted her hand to brush a strand of her out of her mother's face. Feels like I am the mother now.

"Thank you," Aperio said, closing her eyes again and seemingly content in Ferio's lap. That's also new, Ferio thought. Her mother was not opposed to physical touch, per se, but tended to not like it. Even after she came back.

"But I still don't know how I should talk about my past," her mother continued. "I don't want to talk about it — do not want to remember."

Ferio returned to gently stroking Aperio's cheek, trying to soothe her mother with her magic and touch. She did not truly expect her efforts to have much of an effect, the gap in power likely too large for any attempt of hers to matter. Anything is better than nothing. All Ferio wanted was to have her mother back.

Aperio had not been a great parent, the demands of the All-Mother often greater than Ferio could ever hope to match. And yet, her mother's guidance had forged her into a Goddess that was stronger than most. She knew that Aperio had wanted to be closer to her than she was, but every time Ferio tried to connect with her mother, she was pushed away. For her own good, her mother had claimed, though Ferio had not truly understood at the time.

The Goddess of Life and Light could vividly remember the time a few minor Gods thought it a good idea to kidnap her. The rage her mother had displayed at the time was not something she had expected from the usually calm and collected Goddess. Having now experienced it for herself when Aperio had thought she had simply watched as she had to live the life of a slave, she could understand why those minor Gods were very quick to run. Not that it helped them any. Running from the Creator of everything was doomed to fail. But now, here, Ferio hoped she could finally show that she was family. Though Aperio had been a harsh mother, she had always cared in her own way. 

"I have no doubts it will hurt," Ferio said, brushing away a few tears that had returned to pool beneath her mother's eyes. "But burying it will only hurt more. What happened with Maria will just repeat itself if you don't try to process your memories."

She could feel her mother tense up at her words, half expected her to lash out. But Aperio didn't. The All-Mother just wrapped her wings around herself again, the impossibly soft feathers brushing against Ferio as she did. Did she make them so soft so she can do this?

"Have I ever forced you to do something against your will?" Aperio asked, opening her eyes again. That was another thing that had changed. The colour of her mother's eyes had always been silver and blue, but they had never shifted in intensity and hue before. Nor did she have mana flowing through them like she does now.

There was enough of it in Aperio's eyes that a mortal would be able to see the flecks of blue flow across her eyes. I hope that doesn't influence the mortals.

Ferio herself might not be too fond of most of them, but her mother was. Having her unwittingly hurt them with a glance was not good if Aperio really wanted to spend most of her time around them.

"Not really," Ferio finally replied. "There were times where you stopped me from going against the other deities, but you did the same to them if they tried to skirt the rules. Though, your enforcement of the rules was spotty at the best of times.

"You were either around, watching over your creations and making sure they behaved, or you were off doing something else and did not care what happened. The latter was by far the most common." Please don't become like that again… In times like this, Ferio wished she could pray to a higher power like the mortals to make her wish come true. The only problem was that the only higher power she could pray to was her mother, who was part of her wish.

Aperio remained silent for a moment, her wings shifting a little as she brushed her hand along their length. "I was not a good mother, was I?"

Ferio's hand stopped moving at the question, not quite ready to provide an answer. The truth was that she wasn't sure. She had learned a lot from Aperio, but the All-Mother had also never really been there for her when she needed it most. There was always something else that demanded her attention, something else that she had deemed more important.

"No," Ferio whispered, her hands starting to tremble again. "You were not."

Aperio gently lifted her daughter's hand and sat up straight, turning around to wrap Ferio in a hug with her arms and wings. The whisper in her mind that wanted her to loathe herself for having to hold back as to not crush her daughter with her affection was pointedly ignored. I have so much to make up for…

The more she learned about her old self, the more she started to question if she even was that Aperio. What she wanted to do now was almost the opposite of what her old self seemed to do. She wanted to spend time with Ferio; with the mortals who followed her.

For a brief moment she considered simply taking Ferio and everyone who wanted to join her on some remote island and just living her life in peace. The idea was, of course, quickly discarded. While she knew she could make everything a mortal would need to survive, she did not know how to. Yet. The best she could do for now was heal any ailment that would befall them — something that for some reason seemed to include hunger and thirst, if she chose to trust her own feelings on the matter.

The problem she faced now, however, was of a different nature. She wanted to be the mother she should have been to Ferio, but she had no idea how she should go about doing that. Aperio could not remember her past life as the All-Mother — and even if she could, it would not be of much help — and neither did she have a mother or even family of her own as a slave. Only Moria…

While the Beastkin might have cared for her in a way that Aperio imagined a mother would, she had no real idea if it actually was motherly. And so, as she carefully pulled herself away from her daughter, Aperio spoke words free from the disgust she would normally expect but filled with the pain and sorrow of her own failure.

"I do not think I can be what you want me to be. I cannot remember my previous self and I do not know how I should act as your mother. Or the All-Mother… I am starting to think that, perhaps, it was for the best that I cannot recall — that it should remain forgotten."

"Don't say that, Mother," Ferio replied almost immediately. "You might not know what to do, or how to be what I wished you were, but that's life. Now, you are trying your best despite not even knowing yourself anymore. I should not ask for more."

Her last words were barely a whisper, more meant for herself than Aperio, but still unable to escape the All-Mother's ears. "It simply feels like I am not doing enough," Aperio said, drawing back a little to better look at Ferio. "There are so many things I feel should be done immediately that I do not know where to begin, only to then feel disgusted at myself because I should know.

"I made all there is and yet I cannot even figure out how I died in the first place. Or retrieve my memories without being physically present. I can feel the other crystals — can destroy them from anywhere — but the mana contained inside remains out of reach."

"I think outside of retrieving more of your memories there is not much you can do to solve this. Unless, of course, you are willing to spend aeons relearning everything you already knew."

Aperio's shoulders slumped at her daughter's words. All this power, and I have no clue how to use it. Not for what I really want, anyway. There was another thing that had plagued the mind of the All-Mother ever since she had retrieved her first set of memories.

"What if I change when I retrieve more memories?" she asked. "This time I received memories of your childhood, and the beginning. What if I next remember the reason why Vigil, Inanis, and the others turned against me? What if I lose control like I did when I was with Maria?

"I could kill someone if I slip up for a moment," Aperio continued, slowly wrapping her wings around herself as she drew her knees to her chest. "I could kill everyone if I lose control again. Just touching someone already requires more restraint than it should… Even you, Ferio. Everything is just so fragile."

"I will be there, Mother," Ferio said, closing the short distance between them and pushing Aperio's wings a smidge apart to look at her mother. "I told you I will help however I am able. Last time Maria was able to calm you down; all you needed was time. Something that a foolish mortal did not realise."

"Is that why you were so… charged?"

Ferio lowered her head at the question. "Yes. I dislike it when mortals do not show the proper amount of respect. None of them would be here if it wasn't for your efforts. The other deities contributed, yes, including myself, but we all came later. Secondary. The mortals should at least know not to raise their voice near you."

"No," Aperio disagreed, "they should tell me when I am wrong; admonish me for my mistakes. I want to live among them. That is what I want, a normal life. No bowing mortals that praise me for simply existing; who think that everything I do is perfect simply because it was I who did it."

"They will come to revere you no matter what you do. Just being near you for long enough will make them feel it in their soul, Mother. You made everything and the mortals will find that out if they stick around you long enough," Ferio replied with a slight sigh.

"I will still try, once I repair the System. Which means I need to retrieve more of my memories…" Do I really want to?

"I wish I could help you with the System, but you already explained to me once that it wouldn't work," Ferio said. "No matter what happens to you after you retrieve more of your memories, I will be there for you. I just don't want to lose you again."

Aperio just let herself fall back onto the weirdly soft floor of Ferio's Dominion, her eyes staring at the ever-shifting orange sky. Even with her daughter's declaration she still felt unsure about regaining more of her old self's memories.

She did not feel any different after she had regained her first set of memories. It wasn't as if something foreign had been placed in her mind — she knew the memories were hers. The way she was trying to retrieve something that belonged to her and yet was cut off from, however, still nagged at her. How does that even work?

It was one of the many questions that still drifted around in her mind. Just like the others, however, she had no answer. Only those stupid crystals do, Aperio thought, sitting back up again.

"I guess I have no real choice, do I? Waiting for who knows how long is not an option. It only leaves the crystals."

Ferio moved next to her mother at her words, wrapping an arm around her. "It's okay. We'll go there together."

GamingWolf

If you like the story, do leave a rating. If you really like it, please write a review!

Want to chat? Join the Discord. Want to read ahead? Check out the Patreon.