Chapter 177

I spread out my palms, which were full of sweat in my hands. I lifted them up and drew them on Li Yan's face like crazy. I didn't care if my arm was pulled back because of excessive force. I raised my hand and rushed up again. Because I couldn't lift it enough, I could only fall on Li Yan's chest. I even beat him to death like crazy: "I told you not to follow me Don't talk about children with me. Can't you understand people's words! You are not qualified to mention my nianen! You have no right to mention him! Even half a word about him from your mouth is a nuisance to him! Have you ever been kind to Li Yan for a day, have you ever been, have you ever been. Have you ever had. Now you're going to talk about it as your own. It's your child! You have never been responsible to him. You are so shameless to boast about yourself. Don't you think it's ironic! He had hope of life, but you cut off my phone, you don't save him, you don't help me save him, what qualifications do you have now. What qualifications do you have. You have There are. What qualifications, mention him again... "

Suddenly, my emotions were too strong. They stuck in my throat and made my eyes white and my vision blurred. I slapped Li Yan even more forcefully, and soon my ears were drowned by the wails that had been out of control. The more I opened my mouth, the more I tore my heart and lungs. Finally, I had no strength to sit on the floor. I put my hands in a half circle and held my head, just like an ostrich burying my face Between my legs, my tears fell on my shoes and calves. It was cold. I was dragged back to the night when the whole world collapsed. I seemed to have smelled the smell of disinfectant which choked me to death. I subconsciously fell on the cold marble floor, and I grabbed my clothes with my hands Pulling, I raised the back of my head like self mutilation and tried to fall back to the ground. My tears streamed and murmured: "my little Nien, he had hope of life. How could you be so cruel not to give him, how could you be so cruel to cut off his last hope, how could you be so cruel."

I was scared by this extreme reaction. Li Yan was numb for a long time. He moved toward me carefully. His hand hung on a high place for half a sound, and then he tried to fall on me. But I nailed him with my eyes soaked in tears. I grinned my teeth and hated: "don't touch me! Don't touch me again! You don't want to meet me again. You've brought enough disasters to my life. I just beg you not to meet me again. You've brought enough disasters to me. Don't harm me again! "

For half a minute, Li Yan's breathing voice gradually became cramped, and his hesitant arm suddenly became firm. He stretched out like a vine and imprisoned me heavily in his arms. He squeezed my face on his chest, and he inlaid me in his chest. He couldn't move. What was in his voice was torn and hoarse: "Chen Shi, I'm wrong I'm sorry, I'm wrong. You don't cry any more, you cry so much that my heart is broken. I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You must hate me, don't you? You must hate me. I'm sorry, Chen Shi. I'm sorry. I thought the child... "

Li Yan swallowed heavily, as if he was suddenly choked by something. The strength of his action on me was even heavier: "I'm sorry. Chen Shi, I'm sorry

But my life, it is not this late sorry, can cover water can receive.

With my elbow, I would rather lose one thousand to hurt the enemy eight hundred. I almost crawled from his arms. I was sitting like a wooden pier with my hands around my knees. My eyes were lax and passed by Li Yan's body. I touched the tears that had turned into ice on the edge of my eyes with my hands. It was like my soul was out of my body In a tone of Indifference: "if you want to ask me if I hate you, of course I do. But I can't tell for many times when I hate you. Later, I had to change my mind. I told myself that I should not patronize and clarify when I began to hate you. Instead, I should distinguish when I hate you the most. "

"And the standard I hate most about you has been constantly changing in the past four years. In those days when we just broke up, when you didn't leave any money on my bank card, and when you killed me, I had no place in Shenzhen. I mistakenly thought that I hated you. Yes, for a long time since I left Shenzhen, whenever I think back to you, I resent all my cold and cruel faces. It's like an ant tossing around in my bones. Every time I think of you, I feel that I can't breathe well and my heart lacks oxygen. I need to hit my fist on the wall to make my numb body feel painful, so that I can crawl Crawl through the darkness you gave me

I still pass Li Yan's body with the lax eyes that I don't know how to fall, Southeast and northwest. His face seems to be covered with a layer of fog by the haze, and he is deeply trapped in it. He is choked by the throat and lost his voice. His desire for words stops writing in the wrinkles between his eyebrows. His throat moves around, but he just looks at me.

Take back my sight and break the deadlock that makes people oppress in the dust. There is still a sudden hail in my mind. They give me a lot of cold ice and bring me uncontrollable chaos. I can't attack Li Yan according to the original stage I made before. I can only carry it out with the displeasure that is surging in my chest at this moment Later, as my stomach swelled up, it made me move more and more inconvenient. At the same time, it paralyzed my mind like alcohol. I began to have insomnia all night. In the torment opposite to the coldness of the ceiling, I needed to do something more and more to get rid of the hard time, and being in a daze in the memory was the most effortless thing, and I had already lost sleep I try my best to avoid thinking of you, but the more I want to avoid it, the more you have to go into my mind. As soon as you come in, you will hang on. So I can't be associated with you. Li Yan once pointed to my dream and boasted that it had room to move forward when I could hardly hold on to it. I will also remember that one morning, you were holding me to watch the sunrise on Meisha point, and your eyes were warm at that time Rou, I just broke the jar later. I remember that you once washed my clothes for me, you once held me tightly in the cold night, you once started for me against Lu Weijun and Chen Zhiqiang, you once protected me in front of people, and you once said that you wanted to give me a home. You know, I didn't really have my own home when I was growing up. You said that you wanted to give me a home, which moved me very much. Even if you didn't have a good man to do it, you could send Buddha to the West. But you once had a dream for me, and I suddenly had many illusions. I began to comfort myself. Anyway, all the love was almost the same in the end, and no one could live without leaving. When I broke up, I was very happy Waiting for my hatred for you, I began to sneak away like Zhuge afterwards. I once thought that I would completely put down my hatred for you. But life is very changeable"At that time, I was eight months pregnant, and my hands and feet were badly swollen. I couldn't wear the shoes I used to wear. I could only wear slippers to work every day. Guiyang's early spring is freezing, and my body is swollen like a ball. I can't put on all my previous coats. I have to save money to return to he Yujin, and I also want to save some money for my children. I can't bear to buy myself a thicker cotton padded jacket. I went to the farmer's market and bought a 20 yuan blanket to go to work every day. I used to think that I would bite my teeth and stick to work for two months to save more money. I could loosen my hands and buy good milk powder and diapers for my children. But one day, I was very busy. My boss Zhu Daqi, who had cooperated well before, came to me. He was very sorry to tell me that there was something wrong with his capital chain. He might go bankrupt at any time and he had no spare resources to spend Pay an independent designer, he can only give me some money to settle me. In the process of cooperation with Zhu Daqi, who was pregnant with my child, he always respected my ideas and gave me a lot of care. I couldn't bear to take his money when he was in a hurry. I tried to adjust and put my position right. In order to sell my last project, which was already in production, I went to Nepal and Vietnam, and then I went back to him Ming's dealer, I tried my best to empty the factory warehouse. After the completion of the factory, Zhu Daqi gave me 10000 yuan. He suggested that Kunming's development momentum be clear, and I can continue to return to Kunming for development. Zhu Daqi also introduced me to a factory in Kunming by using his few remaining contacts. "

After sniffing for a change of breath, I raised my face and looked at the light nearby. It was dizzy. I looked like a walking corpse, and only my mouth was moving: "however, because of running back and forth, I just came to Kunming to rent a house, and before I could clean it up, the child couldn't wait to come out. The house I rented was a staircase house, which was very dilapidated and remote. At that time, I was afraid that my amniotic fluid would break and my children would suffocate when I was walking. I helped the stairs to move down one by one. I walked more than 80 steps for almost half an hour. When I got down to the floor, the pain was very frequent. It would attack me from time to time. The pain would make me panic and make my muscles hurt slack. The delivery bag hanging on my arm slipped to the ground several times, and I could hardly even bend down to pick it up. I had to crawl on the ground and roll forward, and finally stopped a kind taxi. When I put myself in the waiting room of the hospital alone, when I see those expectant mothers who are suffering from childbirth like me, no matter how poor they are, there are one or two people around to comfort them. But I can only be alone. Even when I go to the nurse station to fill in the information, I have to bear more and more pain. Then I am angry, and I start to hate you again. At this time, my hatred for you seems to have been separated from the previous ones. I don't just hate you for abandoning everything. I don't just hate you when you break up. I hate you. Even if I'm blinded by my inner desire, you don't have half pity for me who is pregnant. You give me the life created by you and me, and let me be alone One man bears those purgatory spines. "

His eyes were as red as if they had been dyed. Li Yan's body was straight. His voice was timid: "Chen Shi..."

"Don't call my name again. If you call again, you are just calling the soul. In fact, I have long been dead. I have not escaped the disaster two years ago. I have already gone to the place he went with me. At this moment in front of you, I'm just a complaining spirit who can't let go of obsession. I'm also just a sad mother who can't bear the pain of losing her son. In order to let her children have a rest in the world, she forcibly controls the walking dead and forces them to stay in the world. "

Those tears that haven't been completely crushed are reviving under the full of signs. After they climb out of my eyes, they are malicious and rampant in my face. They even spare no effort to climb into my mouth and crush my throat. However, I can even make my voice flat in such a bad environment, like a brand-new highway. I pull my mouth without emotion Jiao, with tears as the flag, and a dim smile: "at that time, I was in the labor waiting bed for three days and three nights of pain. The people in the labor waiting room with more than 20 beds came and went, and I became the most persistent one. Later, I felt so painful that I was about to faint. The doctor was also worried about the muddy amniotic fluid, and the child was lack of oxygen. He suggested me to have a cesarean section. It was in the second half of the night, and I was carried to the transfer bed by several medical staff When I was about to be pushed to the operating room, I was stuck there because I didn't have a guardian. At that time, I was already unconscious. I was too afraid of the child's accident. I had to stand up and kowtow to those doctors. The more I got up, the more dizzy I became, and my blood pressure kept running down. I was lucky to meet an obstetrician with conscience. She made an immediate decision to carry out the operation for me And I was able to wipe my shoulders with death and get my life back from the gate of hell. At that time, I couldn't bear to spend hundreds of yuan to use analgesic suppository. After the anesthetic was removed, the wound was madly painful. I couldn't get up when I lay on the bed. I could only look askew at the child who couldn't even get a hug in the distance and could only lie alone in the baby's bed. I saw that he was so hungry that he had to wait for the nurse to help him to have a meal. My hatred for you grew stronger and it gradually entered the world To the point where the fangs are waving. "

"In the 24 hours after the operation, I didn't close my eyes once. I twisted my neck and looked at the child motionlessly. The next day, I bit my teeth and pulled the handle out of the bed. I didn't even have a person to help me. I made milk powder and changed diapers for the child with the sharp pain of the wound. When he finally stopped crying and fell asleep, I was a good nurse Help to eat the first meal in five days, I put those noodles that have been pasted into my mouth, tears fell into it, the more it ate, I finally ate it all. Because I know this meal is finished and I don't know where the next meal is. At that time, I thought that it would be the most embarrassing and helpless time in my life, so I still hate you, but I have no strength to find the reason why I hate you, and hate you seems to have been implanted into my bones and blood, it coexists with my life and death, it seems that it is difficult to separate out. "Biting my lips, I felt vague and relaxed. I didn't need to think about it any more: "because I didn't sit well in the confinement, I couldn't straighten up for a long time. I could only walk like those old people who are in their seventies and eighties, and I underestimated what a child's arrival meant to me. I thought I could bring up a child by myself. In fact, in the first few months, I was on the verge of collapse. When he was just a little old, he couldn't speak. He cried when he was hungry and full. He cried when his diapers were dirty and wet. He was in a bad mood. He cried when his eyes were sleepy and he couldn't sleep. But I couldn't figure out why he was crying so much. I thought he was uncomfortable. I was in a panic all day long, not to mention being able to get distracted and pick up work again. Zhu Daqi did his best I was no longer competent for the job that I was introduced by the latter contacts. The company could not wait to hire someone else. In a strange place, I fell into the anxiety of postpartum depression and unemployment. Holding less and less money in my hand, I bought a steamed bun for three meals a day. Many times I was so hungry that my eyes were dazzled. Coupled with the suffering of depression, I felt that I had enough of such days. I wanted to take out the few money for a meal and squander it. Then I took my child to jump into the river. But when my eyes fell on the tender face and I held my pink hand, all my ruthlessness would be defeated by the silent beat, and I had to go Force yourself to be tough. "

It's like Li Yan suddenly reached out to grab my hand and threw it on his face. He smashed it more than ten times in a row, and his voice began to sob: "Chen Shi, you kill me, you kill me, what the hell have I done! You kill me

"No, in fact, you are dead in my mind."

My eyes were indifferent, and the corners of my mouth were moving. I took advantage of Li Yanding's stagnation to withdraw my hand. As soon as I lowered my head to look at my palm, tears fell into it. My group started: "when Nian en was six months old, I carried him around the industrial zone. I finally found a job of packing in a warehouse where I worked as a package e-commerce business. It cost 30 cents to pack a package. How much is it I get up at 6 a.m. every day to pour milk powder, boiled water, clean up clothes, quilts and diapers. I carry Nian en on my back and work until 11 a He followed them until half past ten in the evening. At that time, it was already winter, and the coldest time was only three or four degrees. I didn't have a down jacket, and I wore thin pants for the convenience of work. Every time I walked home with my children for more than half an hour, my thighs would be frozen purple. Once, I couldn't stand the bone chilling. I wanted to pour some boiling water with a hot towel. I accidentally poured boiling water all over my hands, even though I was very cold The first time I went to wash it with cold water, but the place where the skin should be peeled off and the place where the blister should be formed was blistering. I saw that the wound was not good. I wanted to buy a bottle of Yunnan Baiyao and sprinkle it. But when I went to the drugstore, I was dissuaded by the price of dozens of yuan. Finally, I went back to the warehouse to work against the blood blisters in my hands. When I packed, some adhesive tape ran out and stuck to my hands. I was more careful The wing will also be torn off a piece of skin... "

"It's gone. It's all gone. Chen Shi, don't talk about it. Don't talk about it."

With his arm hanging in the air, Li Yan hesitated and fell on me again and again. He rebuilt a circle to encircle me into his arms. His hand pressed on the back of my head: "don't say any more. It's all over. It's all over. All the bad things are gone. "

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