Chapter 178

"Don't touch me, don't hug me, don't pretend that you can cover all the waves for me. What I'm talking to you now is not to arouse your pity, nor to make you pretend to be a hero and still save my life. I just hold on for too long. As soon as that dark time is opened, I can't seal it again. "

I simply took off Li Yan's fluffy arms and pushed them into his arms. I moved back to stay away from him. I slowed down: "for me, I have been nailed in the past forever and forever. Even at this moment, my body is still wandering here, it is just a withered branch. Those so-called sufferings have finally passed, and the sun still rises. This kind of poisonous chicken soup can't solve my problems, and can't smooth the potholes I was hit by life. Just like those adhesive tapes, even if they tear off my skin and make me bleed, they can't make me cry. It's the same truth. Because I had learned to control my emotions and tried my best to intervene in the fight against depression. I struggled to get rid of self pity. I also temporarily forgot the feeling of hating you in those busy days. I even thought I had forgotten you in those busy days. However, as Nian en grew up, he would climb and walk slowly. He became unwilling to be carried by me for several hours a day. There were so many people coming and going in the warehouse that I couldn't let him run all over the place. I could only find a big carton to put him in it. I would take a package and look at him. At first, he held the edge of the carton and laughed at me. Later, he stood When I was tired, I began to cry and make noise. I gave him milk and drink. When I finished packing the urgent order on hand, he had fallen asleep with a bottle in his arms. The tears on his face that had not been dried broke my heart. I just picked up my hatred for you again. "

"At this time, my hatred for you has been left behind me. I can't hate you because you failed me. I hate you more because of Nian en. I hate you for joining in making him when you don't welcome him. I hate you for rising in Shenzhen, and my love can only make a bed with cartons every day. I hate you for embracing others, but you never give him even half a hug. Even though I know that I hate you for no reason, I still hate you for watching nianen live those miserable days. "

I beat the back of my hand into my eyes, and I could only stop those tears. I bit my dry lips with a toothed scallop, and the tone of my voice went down: "but with all these things, I can't completely separate my memory of you with those heavy hatred. Even if I hated you so much, I didn't want you to die. I will still try to persuade myself in the arc of time. At the beginning, I didn't pay affectionately for those who hate me. I tried my best to untie myself many times. There are two people living in my body, one is trying to hate you, the other is constantly forcing me to forget the feeling of hating you. The latter wins the game, but it's hard to live Do not want to let go of a person who has knelt down to beg for mercy, it is impermanent to start in the direction I cherish most. Nianen's illness was very urgent, because it was a high incidence of influenza at that time, and the District People's hospital was overcrowded. Many beds were placed in the aisle. However, as tiny as me, I could not even get the beds in the aisle for my child. I was so anxious that I did not dare to continue to consume them. I had to take him to the community health hospital for hope. However, he was in critical condition on the day he was admitted When he was transferred to the hospital, I followed him back to the District People's hospital where he couldn't get up. Nian en was immediately admitted to the intensive care unit. I fell on the ground on the spot and couldn't get up for a long time. However, I haven't had time to worry about this terrible disaster. The ensuing economic pressure is like a tidal wave on me. The imported drugs that I can't even understand the terms are too expensive for me. The doctor asked me to try my best to contact Nien's most direct blood relatives and prepare for blood transfusion at any time. The doctor pointed out that Nien's body's immune system has been damaged After all of them were destroyed, he would die at any time because of rejection. I stretched out my arm, but the blood flowing in my body was denied by the doctors. They asked me to try my best to contact last year's father as much as possible. What's more terrible is that I was constantly surrounded by unknowns. I was scared to the extreme, and I was eager to create more hope and hope for last year's grace Possibility. "

Eyelids raised, I had to pull out a indifferent smile, but the corner of my mouth moved, whimpering on surging out: "I have no time to take care of my sad worthless self-esteem, I searched your number from my mind, I hold the mood of looking for the last straw to call you, I want you to lose in nian'en You can stretch out your arm to give him a chance of life, or you can help me transfer nian'en to a hospital with bigger medical resources. Even if you can't help me, you can come to see the child for the last time, so that even if he leaves, he can retain this world nostalgia because of his parents' watching. At that time when any grass could crush me, I could only ask you for help in my empty brain, because Nian en had the same blood as you, so I could only ask you for help. But you, Li Yan, can't give me even ten seconds of compassion. As soon as you hear my voice, you hang up. Then I call again and you turn it off again and again. I keep dialing, but I get despair again and again. You turn it off for several days in a row, Li Yan! I had to walk away from my dearest child and run on the road of borrowing money and asking for better medical resources. The boss of the company where I worked began to organize colleagues to raise money for me. They even organized colleagues with the same blood type as Nian en to go to the hospital for standby. They stretched out their arms bent by life in line. I compared your ruthlessness again. At that moment, I hated you thoroughly. With hate in my arms, I went back to the hospital with a heavy kindness. However, the more than 10000 yuan was just a drop in the bucket. I finally came to the hospital with the bleeding on the wall in the corridor. However, the economic pressure could not completely crush me. I signed a deed of sale under the line of a friend. I was willing to sell my future for my child, but I still had no time to get the deed of sale Qian and nian'en were seriously rejected because of the blood input from non lineal blood relatives. His physical function was completely broken by the virus, and even the doctors were helpless. They cruelly asked me to prepare for everything. I had to kneel on the cold floor and beg God to let go. But I still couldn't pray until I could see the miracle. I was still the most terrible At that moment of my life! When the doctor announced to meSuddenly, Li Yan stood up like weightlessness and knelt down in front of me. The mist on his face had accumulated into a barrier. His expression was fuzzy and his voice seemed to be in the sand. He said: "Chen Shi, I beg you, don't say any more."

I rubbed the cold on the corner of my eyes with my hand, and I continued to be totally immersed in my own world: "the child I tried so hard to keep, he may have enough of suffering with me, he has enough of the defective life I brought him, he just left me, and I am so useless, I can't digest This terrible fact, my subconscious is to escape, I fell on the ground, the back of my head hit the ground and fainted, I sink in the unconscious attempt to escape from life, but my nianen alone across the cold door of life and death, I let him have a lonely start, and gave him a lonely end, he was sent to the nearby funeral parlor lying in the cold freezer. At that time, a friend I made in Kunming told me that there was a custom in her hometown that I should not meet Nian en again. I would only let him linger and refuse to walk the wheel circuit properly when I met him face to face. He was not good at reincarnation. He would be lonely all the time and wander in another space that I could not touch. If I wanted to be good for him, I would never meet him again and I could not look forward to his remains . In fact, I didn't believe those words before, but when the overwhelming darkness came, I found that I was full of vulnerability and cowardice, and I didn't have the courage to see the lively child turn pale. His closed eyes would never open again, he would never smile at me, cry at me, and make trouble with me, and he couldn't pull my sleeve pitifully Begged me to put him out of the carton, he would not look at the bakery pastry, holding my thigh would not go, he would no longer take dry steamed bread into my mouth, said Mom eat. My nianen has gone, he has gone, he has gone forever with my debt to him and his exploration of the world. My Nien en left. He left with a lot of missing things. When he came, he couldn't get a piece of cloth. He left empty handed, too. He was only one and a half years old. He shouldn't have left, but he did. He or in your opinion, he should not have come, but he is a living life. I can't bear it. I brought him here. This may be my retribution. I'm too demanding, so he shouldn't have left. He left too. "

I tried my best to get the blood from my lips entangled between my tongue. My hands hung down and rubbed against each other. I pulled my nose: "before I had a baby, even if my heavy self-esteem was enough to support my bravado, let me pretend that love is not life. Without the free and easy way of life, I still have a feeling in my heart Stumbling blocks often trip me and make me crawl all the way. I will always be deeply involved in the harm you bring me. I hate you for your ruthlessness and ruthlessness. When the child comes, all my hatred for you has evolved into that I don't hate you because I'm led into darkness by you, I only hate you because I see the child miserable. Yes, I know this unpopular child, he is my wishful thinking to stay, I should pay for my choice, I should bear the smoke of this choice, I should accept any life beating for my choice, but I still can't give up hating you. This feeling of hating you starts in the dead of night, but it always stops in every sunny morning. I think I will fight the reincarnation of time one day, forget you and the confusion brought by that hatred. However, life is really intolerable. It gives me a piece of sugar, just to wait for it to slap me, I will get rid of it It's more painful when you fall down. "

The more I rub my hand on the tip of my nose, the more astringent it is. I simply pull it so hard that I stop: "even since I can remember, I have never enjoyed a good family atmosphere, but no matter how much suffering the original family brings me, I never know that I have to resent the injustice of fate. Some people were born with a golden key, while others want heaven's life Cheap, and I Chen Shi is the latter. But when I met you, when I met you with a good family, when I was in front of your family, who were always high above me, and they gave me the hat of climbing, I began to feel the helplessness of being pierced by the edge and pierced by the needle. Even if I have a skeleton that is neither humble nor overbearing, what I actually hide inside is all sensitive and humble. I really want to have a good ending with you. Because you, Li Yan, once shone into my darkness like a light. But it's a pity that the light you gave me is time effective. It's attached to the darkness and turned back. What's more, if I didn't touch those lights, I wouldn't feel that the darkness was so painful. You brought me out of the darkness, saw the short sunshine, and sent me back to the darker abyss. After dealing with the affairs of nian'en, my soul was also taken away. I was harassed by the nightmares with tusks in the late night. I forgot the established facts and ran out to find my nian'en in the rainy night. I also did such stupid things. I fell into those collapses again and again, and it was hard to get out. I was dragged by my friends to see a psychologist. I took a lot of medicine, and the more I took it The more confused I was, I went back to the funeral home in short sleeves in winter and knelt down for a long time. At last, I was sent to the police station as a psychopath. When I was more confused, I stabbed myself with a knife. I stabbed one wound after another on my body. However, I didn't die completely because of this. Instead, I suffered from both mental and physical pain In the samsara, the deeper and deeper"I spent more than two months in a muddle, and I seemed to be getting used to this crazy reversal. But one day, with continuous rain, I ran out to find my nian'en again. The farther I ran, the farther I slipped and fell to his favorite little stone horse. I couldn't get up, so I held the stone horse to sleep. Finally, I could talk with him after he had gone for so long Meet again in the dream, even if the first half of the dream is beautiful, the second half let me relive the nightmare of losing true love, I still linger. I want to see my child in my dream again. After that day, I wake up and die. I became a walking corpse. I became a walking corpse who was greedy for the world with regret. I became a medium for nianen and the thrilling world. I had a skin bag, so how could it wander and wander. I feel that as long as I live in this world, my child will still have a little greed for this world, and he will have the possibility to return to this world. "

With a crooked neck, I roughly scraped off the wet feeling in my eyes: "as for my hatred for you, it will always stop on the day when Nian en left. It has a fixed form, it is no longer controlled by my mood fluctuation, it is no longer controlled by me for a long time, it is no longer increased or decreased, but it has become a flag that always suppresses me. I finally know that at that moment, I hate you most. I wish I could borrow another 500 years from heaven to take you to hell with hate, so that you will never live beyond your life. But at that time, I never thought about retaliating against you, until I knew that you Li Yan came to my life. It was a long planned malicious Manying, not a beautiful accident. All your kindness to me was to beat me to the ground one day. But Li Yan, do you want to be reasonable? No matter whether Lu Xiaoran was really so sad that year or not, whether she was really invaded by the gangsters I took, Chen Shi is not the perpetrator, and I am also the victim. Shouldn't you be looking for the perpetrator? You're looking for me, a victim who can't compete with ugliness, to retaliate. You're especially disgusting for the soft persimmon. Once fell in love with such a person as you, is the shame of my life You are the most difficult stain in my life. Yes, for me at this moment, the meaning of your existence is a stain on my disgraceful life, that's all

"I.. Chen Shi.. I... "

The throat knot was full of hesitation. Li Yan breathed a few times. He hit his head with his hand. His voice was full of tearing sand knots: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for you."

"Well, you are sorry for me. You've done evil to the obstacles I've set up in my life. It's like being put into a jar. The more brewing it gets, the stronger it gets. I'm poisoned after a drink. Now I'm walking dead. You Li Yan are the most direct murderer. Even if you didn't kill me with a knife, I really died because of you. If I have never met you, I think I am still an ordinary person. Maybe I can still have my ideal and enthusiasm at this time. I am still on the road of independent design, and I have a delusion that I will shine one day. I may have given up those illusory dreams and come back to reality. I will try my best to find a company that doesn't pay so much attention to diploma to do design, even if I am doing odd jobs. I will be looking forward to the salary of three or five thousand yuan a month. I will probably meet an ordinary boy. He doesn't approach me out of conspiracy, he doesn't come out of lust He will try his best to smooth the potholes brought by my original family. He will make me sigh that marriage is really the second reincarnation of a woman. I may occasionally play a small temper and quarrel with him, but after the quarrel, he will still stretch out his hand to embrace me. I will have a man and a woman with him. We will become frugal because of our children Care, he will become more hardworking and progressive than before, he and I will give each other the greatest strength for our family. I will quarrel with him, hug him and live happily forever. We will watch our children grow up, boys get married and girls get married. Then I may go to different places for my children and help to take care of my grandchildren. My life will be spent peacefully in this ordinary world, and I will be as eager as most girls in the world who can't get the warmth of their original families Pay for your ordinary life. I had the chance, but I met you

With my eyebrows closed, I faced Li Yan, whose eyes were red and depressed, and my voice gradually faded: "I lost the life I had a chance to get. I lost the most precious thing in my life, and also lost my life. The price I have paid for this is too high for me to go back. But you, Li Yan, don't talk to me about how much you love me. It's true that you may fall in love with the chess piece that you wanted to destroy in the revenge drama of self directing and self acting, but the person you love most is yourself. Only when you love yourself most, can you put your personal feelings first, and then you will come out from your heart like blind, thinking that I have an affair with He Yu. Even though you and I have reached the point where we can't make ends meet, I think it is still necessary for me to clarify that no matter whether I made the choice of trying to associate with he Yujin not long ago, no matter how much I wanted to escape from the hell you gave me, I want to pick up the rotten life again and see if it can sprout new branches. I am happy when I am with you Li Yan My feet have not taken a wrong step, my heart has not taken a wrong step. At that time, I was so crazy that I thought you would be my lover, but what I did was all wrong estimation. You, Li Yan, are unworthy, unworthy, unworthy. I will bet my whole life on you, win or lose. After all, you love yourself so much that you definitely want you to win. How can people who play games with you have a chance to win the whole game? ""Well, I've said all the things that should be said, or some things that shouldn't be said. I finish this stubble, I and you Li Yan between all sorts of, disappear. I can't guarantee that I won't retaliate against you any more, but I can guarantee that all my retaliation after that will be open in the sun. I'll never do that again to lure you into the game. Because if I get two steps closer to you, Li Yan, I will feel dirty. "

Faltering to stand up, I faltered a few steps to stabilize the heel: "in order to respect the past, I say a few more words, I once loved you, but that is only once, never again. So I thought you were all my stupid girls. She's dead. Then, let me help her say goodbye to you, Li Yan. Forever and ever, goodbye. "

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