Chapter 197

I don't know whether Li Yan's premonition itself is particularly out of order, or because the words I added later destroy the premonition. This snow is intermittent, and it has been raining for ten days.

This cold snow makes the whole Aotai seem to have been forgotten. Only the whimpering mountain wind whistling past our eardrum, and there is no human shadow.

Even though Li Yan and I were frugal enough, there was only a small piece of dry food two fingers wide left on this day.

At this time, the snow at the entrance of the cliff was so high that it was going to block us up, but we no longer had the strength to get up and use stones to break the snow. Li Yan and I were less than 10 cm apart, holding our last breath, and then pushing each other for the last bit of food.

When the stalemate came to the back, none of us could win. The piece of dry food fell far away in shikuaishan. Neither Li Yan nor I had the strength to get up and pick it up.

At this time, our firewood was in a hurry. As the fire gradually went out, the sense of collapse brought by hunger was compounded by the cold. I slowly felt that my eyelids were too heavy to lift. I struggled to supply it. It was still covered like Mount Tai.

I was in the dark.

In the muddle, I felt that someone was holding my neck and forced me to lift up. These turbulence made me dizzy with hunger. I felt suffocated when I just wanted to go to sleep. I was so angry: "don't move me, I want to sleep."

Palm on my face, Li Yan deliberately raised the voice is all feeble, he said: "Chen Shi, can you hear me, you must not sleep, the snow has stopped, the sun is out, the sun is warm, someone must soon enter the mountain, you will be saved, you can't sleep, someone will come, someone will come, you must not sleep In the past, Chen Shi, you can't sleep, you hear me? Chen Shi, you have opened your eyes. I beg you to open your eyes this time. "

The suffering accumulated for so many days in a row has eaten away all my desire for survival. I am not willing to say a few more words: "I want to sleep."

When Li Yan opened my mouth with his finger, he suddenly stuck the mouth of the kettle that he had been drinking for several days on my lips. He lifted it to my mouth, and the slightly warm water rolled down my throat from the corner of my mouth. For a moment, I couldn't swallow well, so I was choked and coughed.

Even so, I still followed my instinct and closed my eyes. Li Yan's arm slipped slightly, and I would fall down again.

Suddenly, he encircled his arm in a half circle. Li Yan held me in his arms. His hand stretched out again to open my mouth. This time, he put food into my mouth: "Chen Shi, you have to support me. You have to go out alive. You have to go out alive. Do you hear me?"

Hungry already fast soul out of the body, those dry food into my mouth, I immediately secreted 120000 saliva, but I was about to swallow when the reaction, I vomit out.

Li Yan suddenly cried.

He sobbed and said, "Chen Shi, I beg you to eat. You must hold on. You are only in your twenties. There are still many possibilities in your life. You can't explain yourself here.. Chen Shi, I beg you. Even if you hate me again, don't let me see you die. It's terrible. I beg you, Chen Shi. "

With my eyes closed, I intuitively pushed away his hand coming up from the fortress, and I was dying: "Li Yan, don't waste your food. I know you haven't finished all your food. You hide it in your clothes and wait for me to eat it. I don't want it. I can't do it. I dream of my new year's grace. He's waiting for me at the intersection in front of me. He reaches out his hand to me. I'll take a few more steps to reach his hand It's too late. I think I should put down my obsession. I shouldn't covet this world any more. I'm going to accompany Nian en. He's still so young. He still needs my care. "

The palm of my hand covered my face again and again, and Li Yan's breath inspired me a lot: "Chen Shi, tell me about Nian en, tell me about him."

Holding the last breath in my chest, I couldn't even shake my head: "No."

Li Yan stayed for a long time. He slowly opened his voice: "if you don't want to say it, don't say it. Chen Shi, will you listen to me. If I don't say anything, I'm afraid I won't have a chance to tell you myself. "

After rustling for a while, Li Yan's chin was buried on my shoulder, and his breath flew past my ears. His breath was very short, but Li Yan's voice was relatively stable: "Chen Shi, when you know that I played the relaxed bear named brick, I still wear a mask to you and say I'm only 19 years old, do you think it's both sarcastic and ironic funny. Actually, when I think about it occasionally, I'm really funny. But do you know why I want to play the 19-year-old myself? Because what I want to do most is I want to go back to 19 years old. I want to go back to the eve when I want to choose Lu Xiaoran to fall in love. I want to stop myself from starting that bad relationship. Because I found that the most I want to meet you, you will wait for me in my 28 years old, I want to save a complete self, leaving so good you. But Chen Shi, even if I run hard again, I'm just an ordinary man. I have a past that I can't change, and I've made mistakes for a while. ""I admit that it is a particularly dishonorable thing for me to approach you with ulterior motives. But Chen Shi, do you know that I will approach you because I am 23 years old and met you at 18 years old. After Lu Xiaoran's accident, I went to your senior high school. I saw you with a cropped head in your school playground. At that time, you were thin and dark, but your eyes were dark and bright, just like the stars in the sky. I wanted to take all the resentment on you, but when I saw you like that with my own eyes, I couldn't get it up. "

After a long gasp, Li Yan's voice slowed down a lot: "you are very different from Lu Xiaoran. Lu Xiaoran, from the day I knew her, she was just like an arrogant rose. She was gorgeous, but she was also willful. She loved big brands and had a strong pursuit of material. She was willing to do whatever she did, to do whatever she did, to do whatever she wanted, to do whatever she wanted. I also dare to admit that I was only 19 years old when I was in love. I was not mature enough to distinguish whether a girl is suitable for me by her character. I only saw her face, her figure, and she would cuddle with me and make me buy lipstick, skin care products, bags and skirts for her. The feeling of being needed made me lost in my love with her In the illusion. I've been with Lu Xiaoran for four years. I've done a lot of crazy things for her. But when I came out of my childhood and became mature, I realized more and more clearly that I didn't love Lu Xiaoran. I covet Lu Xiaoran's white skin and beauty. I like her face, her figure and the vanity she brings to me when she hangs beside me. But I can't look directly at her soul. However, I was too limited at that time. I didn't have the courage to make up my mind. I couldn't abandon Lu Xiaoran who didn't seem to make mistakes in love for no reason. I was also afraid that I could not bear her any longer. I could only force myself to propose to her. At that time, I was beginning to show my true nature. I have never loved Lu Xiaoran, but under the guise of youth and enthusiasm, I portray to the world that I love her very much. I am deeply moved by that affectionate self. I think I will marry Lu Xiaoran smoothly in self deception in my life, and then I will do what I should do step by step. On some levels, Li Chun said that I am a hypocrite with good looks. He did not say me wrong. I am such a person. "

Ever since he jumped off the cliff, Li Yan began to cough intermittently. This time, he deliberately took his breath so long and said so many things at once. When he stopped for a moment, the overwhelming cough came to my ears. He coughed as if the mountains were collapsing and shaking, which made me feel dizzy. I tried my best to open my eyes and look at him again, but those had already happened Irrigates my whole body the void feeling, it does not give me the opportunity to act recklessly.

After coughing for about seven or eight minutes, Li Yan held his voice and spoke again. His voice was like a lot of gravel: "I really thought I would marry Lu Xiaoran, and I would start my life in a muddle. However, when an accident happened, Lu Xiaoran disappeared with a lot of mysteries. At that time, I really thought that all the illusions created by her and Zhong Hao were true, and I was deeply in the remorse of not protecting her. I went to the place where she happened. In order to ease my guilt for her, I once resented you who brought this disaster to Lu Xiaoran, so I had no holes I found you, but when I saw you, I realized that not all girls need to be white to be beautiful, and not all girls need to rely on famous brand bags and clothes to add body, so that they can shine all over the world. After I secretly went to peep at you, I seemed to be in a state of bewilderment. I began to constantly assume that if I met you in a mode that was not so unbearable and calm, I would get you 100 times more crazy than when I was 19 years old. However, I can only look from afar, I dare not face the most real feelings in my heart, I can only live in my own fantasy, I hesitate, dare not come near you. I had a dream for a few days, and it woke up incisively and vividly by the reality. I was too constrained by those so-called manners and dogmas, and I was afraid that I could not wait to become a scum man. I thought of you, which indirectly caused Lu Xiaoran to go away from home, and I took you into a hazy dream. I'm so scared that I have to tell myself not to have too much expectation for this kind of so-called fate with evil fate on the eve of your college entrance examination. I force myself to return to my own life track. "

Even though Li Yan's breath gradually weakened to a dying state, it didn't block the real disappointment in his tone. I couldn't believe it. So I fell into an uncontrollable surge. My hand tried to lift it up and touch my face, but I just moved it a little and couldn't move any more.

As if seeing through my heart, Li Yan's hand slowly fell down, and he stroked my face back and forth: "I forced myself to forget that startling glance, and I even brainwashed myself. It's just because I'm tired of the type like Lu Xiaoran that I stop for a few more seconds for a girl with a little inner show. It doesn't mean love, it doesn't mean I want to make friends with you Set. I rely on those feelings of self deception to plant myself back into my own life, running and fighting. I also have conflicts and helpless nights, so I made my most taboo mistake. I spent money to find a woman, and I felt extremely bad after finding one. In order to force myself to believe that I just didn't find the right one, I found another one, but I was also frustrated It's over. I have to face my inner feelings, and I have to be sure that I don't just forget you after a glance, I can't help it. I'll get back to you again. I've been to your hometown, and I've been to your classmates, but you've wiped your whereabouts too clean. You didn't go to the university you were admitted to. It's hard for me to know where you are. I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. Just as I was about to be forced to retreat by reality, I suddenly met you downstairs in Lin Shenghao's company. At that time, you had long hair, and you were not as tanned as you were in high school. You were much whiter and much taller, which made your appearance a span. You can eat by your face, but you do ride a bicycle and tie a lot of handmade bags around Shenzhen in the summer. I was as drunk as I was that day. I'm so proud that I'm complacent in my heart. This is my girl. She is self-improvement and independent. She looks like a kapok tree. Even if there is only a little rain, she can grow towering branches and radiate endless light to me at any time. I was so sure at that moment that I wanted you to be my girl. Even if I go to hell with the guilt of Lu Xiaoran, I will make you my girl. ""I began to close the door to weave a romantic encounter with you. I thought about asking Lin Shenghao to ask you out. I appeared as the big boss of Wanjia. I would make you look at me with my excellent eyes and bold ability. However, I quickly denied my idea. I feel that I am as shallow as Lu Xiaoran. I also began to be a little scared. If you see me pretending to be forced over there, how can you scoff and stay away. I completely gave up the idea of such a fool. Later, I also thought that I let Lin Shenghao deliberately make trouble for you, and I just happened to show up. I'll save the beauty with a hero, so that you can be impressed with me. However, my idea lasted for less than half a minute, and I just wanted to smoke myself. How can I make you suffer such grievances. I continue to think, cut my head, I finally like a pervert after tracking you, I suddenly found that you are also outdoor enthusiasts! I fell into ecstasy that day. I tried my best to inquire about you in that circle, but you entered the circle too late, and there were few opinions about you. I continue to catch up, I finally get you to travel wolf tower first-hand information. I'll catch up

The breath became more and more weak and urgent. Li Yan swallowed hard. He continued: "originally, I asked your teammates to help me to take you to the place where I camped. We could bake a fire to get warm and chat with each other. Gradually we got familiar with each other. But when I walked with you, the bobcat was distracted. He thought I was giving him a chance to be alone. He took your tent away I couldn't get in touch with him, and I didn't see you. I thought you had gone away from them that day. I was full of disappointment and went back to the tent to lie down. You suddenly appeared in front of me. I was nervous and completely forgot all my planned reactions. Instead, I began to drag high and cold like a teenager who was not sure. The more I pulled, the less I felt There were steps to go down. I was in such a hurry that I was about to explode. Later, you got into my tent. In fact, the so-called casual touch in my sleep is a dirty temptation that I can't suppress. I'm too eager. I'm too eager to feel the feeling of embracing you. I want to see if I really feel that way when I hold you gently. When I hold it, I know I've lost. But I'm a special contradiction. On the one hand, I'm complacent about my deliberately covering up the past. On the other hand, I feel indignant about your flat reaction. I'm dominated by this kind of emotion and deviate more and more. That night in the hotel, in fact, my heart covered in my body was about to burn up, but I could only pretend as if nothing had happened, and painstakingly maintained the human setup that I had deviated from. I'm afraid that the difference between my image before and after is too big, which will make you think I'm a bad person... "

I finally raised my hand to hold Li Yan's arm: "don't talk, save some energy."

I can feel that Li Yan's strength on me seems to be absent. He still holds it stubbornly. His hand is warm on my face and slides into my hair like out of control. He insists: "I don't want to put this relationship in the dark where I dare not be honest with you with regret. I have to say. I'm really a bad person. I approach you with the worst purpose. I weave a beautiful dream for you that I don't believe. I didn't let you dream in the end. I was defeated by my own demons and pushed you further away. "

Li Yan's voice was even lower, and his speaking speed was gradually slow: "after meeting you for the first time in the front of wolf tower, I came back to Shenzhen with all kinds of contradictions. I need to give myself all kinds of brainwashing to wash my heart. Those contradictions interweave. I fool myself. I want to get close to you. I just want to closely examine whether you were really so innocent in those years. I rely on this energetic excuse to borrow the power. I ask Lin Shenghao to invite you to the dinner party. I'm very strict with people, and I imagine that you may be motivated by my cold. However, you are too young, you do not make me anxious, I can only adjust their own state again and again, to accommodate you to lead you, so that you can more smoothly into my world, to look at me this man captured by you at a glance. I admit that I have some very urgent times, such as when I was drunk in your house that day, I wanted to go further with you with the strength of alcohol, because I saw you smile at he Yujin, and I was about to be driven crazy. "

After a pause, Li Yan relaxed for a long time: "I thought that as long as I was devout enough, even if my means were not too light, I would still get a good ending. But I'm going to pay for my dark, dirty, calculating. "

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