36 It's time to let go

"say it."

standing under the clear sky, i cross my arms and brace myself. i don't want to care. absolutely not. i am not in love with ren, but he has been there for me. he is the part of my life that i can't turn away from. i want to face him and myself.

he takes a deep breath. ren has changed over the years. i see his eyes filled with guilt, but he doesn't look down. i realize that ren also wants to face me. did the fact that i have been sleeping with kamiyama provoke him to become brave? i don't care about that. at this moment, he is there. i am also here. i will give him this chance to speak it. only once for the sake of our friendship.

"you will hate me after this." he gives me a small smile. "but, you will hate me more if i don't tell you, right?"

i give him a nod.

"i did manipulate you to win the game that year. i needed money for my brother's surgery," he tells me quietly. "my younger brother had cancer. he had gone through multiple surgeries. we didn't have more money to give him another surgery. he had been fighting for so long. along with him, we were also fighting with him. for him. we didn't notice when he became tired of living."

he shakes his head. "i noticed. i knew what he wanted. he had told me. he didn't like pain. living was hard for him. his cancer was progressing fast. he needed the surgery that year. i told him that i would get the prize and extend his life. but, he didn't want to get another surgery. he begged me that he wanted me to use the prize for myself. he knew that i wanted to study abroad. i wanted to experience life."

i curl my fingers. i don't like where the story is going. a bad feeling clips my heart. still, i steel myself to hear more.

"that day, i called my brother after the game. i told him that i got the prize. he could get another surgery. at that time, he told me that he didn't want surgery. he was tired of everyone. he just wanted to disappear into the wind." his face contorts like he is in physical pain. he punches his heart. "he was tired of everyone. he just wanted to disappear into the wind. those were his last words before he jumped off from the roof of the hospital."

i purse my lips. so, he didn't lie. why didn't he come to me? if he had told me once, i would have held him tightly.

"rie chan, i should have come to you after i read your letter." a tear falls from his right eye. "i was happy after reading your letter. i was afraid too. i failed my brother. i was afraid that i would fail you too. i remembered how you also fought with your pain every day. i have watched you suffer in silence. though you laughed and played together with me, you were still suffering. you shut yourself from everyone but me. i thought that i couldn't be the man who could make you happy. i was afraid that you would disappear like my brother. i didn't know what to do. i was a coward back then. i ran away because i was afraid of being your support. i was afraid that i would fail to save you. i ran away from everyone."

"i have been a burden to you," i say to him in a low voice. "i cannot eat in front of other people. i am someone who doesn't even want to leave the house to see people. i have been sad and depressed most of my life. i complained a lot to you about the world."

but, i was happy when i was with you back then.

"rie chan, i know people who can help you overcome this." ren comes closer to me. "leave this place with me. we don't have to look back here again. the people who have hurt you. leave them all. be with me. i will be with you from now on. i will never leave you again."

you shouldn't have left me back then. you should have come back sooner.

i step away from him. "why did you change your mind now?"

"i thought that you would never see me again." he cups my face. "rie chan, please forgive me. please. i never stopped thinking about you. i love you a lot. i can't let you go."

i don't know whether it is him or i who should be blamed for this. i didn't want to lose him, but he was just a boy. i should have kept it all within my heart. my pain should have only belonged to me.

i push him away. "ren, i understand what you have been through because of me. it is not easy being with a person like me. i understand why you were afraid."

"rie chan." he looks at me nervously.

"i owe you a lot. it should me who should apologize." i stare at him. "but, i don't love you anymore. i have moved on. ren, you don't love me either. you just feel guilty for things that were out of your control. you were just a kid. i burdened you with a lot more than you could handle."

"no." he stares back at me. "don't say things like that. i love you. i know that i love you."

"its pity." i smile at him. "you also feel guilty because you are a good person. if you had loved me, you would have come back sooner. even if it meant climbing through the window, you would have come to see me. it's okay to run away, but you didn't come back. if you had loved me the way i had loved you, you would not have left me like that."

this is the end that was long due. i owe him a lot. i can't hate him even if he kills me, but i can't love him the same way either. holding on to this friendship will hurt me. it will also hurt him.

"it's time to let go." i give him a final hug. "go back. don't think about me. i will be fine.

***

kiyohira watches them from afar. he can't hear what they have been talking about. when rie hugs him, he resists the urge to go there and separate the old lovers. they must be uniting now, but she isn't allowed to be in a relationship with someone else yet.

this woman. she has been kissing him earlier. now, she easily hugs other men. she is such a...

he curses ren in his mind. it is that guy's fault.

his phone rings at the same time. he picks it up. "speak."

"brother, where are you and sister?"

"go back on your own. take the bus or train."

"darn, brother! did you fight with her again? you are bad with women."

"hey, you!"

the call has ended.

now, he is scolded by his younger brother too. this is happening because of her.

rie has already disappeared. ren is sitting on the sidewalk, looking lost. he looks around, but he can't see a shadow of her. where did she run off to? he takes a glance at ren. the talk didn't go well. does it mean that they are not in a relationship?

he is pleased. the woman is not an idiot after all.